Uneventful birth, but not what you expected?

[Vespertina]

Did any of you feel cheated by your experience? I just had my first homebirth. We planned one with DS1, but I ended up being induced because we lost him.

I have a history of precipitous birth -- 3 hours, 47 minutes, and 1 hr 40 min. We knew to expect a very fast birth this time, but we weren't expecting for me to practically have a nonexistent or barely there labor.

Short version of the story:

I had been a stretchy 4 cm-5 cm and 80% effaced for a week. My midwife was confident CO would kick in within 2-4 hours and I'd have a speedy labor. Midwife planned to be there because she didn't want to miss his birth. We spent most of the day waiting for the castor oil to kick in. The previous night (we DTD) and off and on during the day/evening I'd get these warm up BH type contractions that I had been having on a regular basis for more than a week. I was getting really impatient these contractions never amounted to anything.

Contractions that seemed to be something kicked in more than 8.5 hours after taking my first dose of CO. I only got them during bowel movements. Nothing strong or anything, but they felt different than the BH contractions I had been getting. After I was done with a bm they would fizzle out, which left me frustrated. I did spend extra time on the loo because it felt like a comfortable spot and I felt more pelvic/cervix pressure.

When I think about it, I mainly felt bad for my midwife and her intern because it was just a big waiting game. Like they were waiting for me to perform or something. I don't like feeling like I'm inconveniencing someone. They had nothing to do besides sit and wait for things to start. I had the occasional wave of pressure or tightening, but that's it. I didn't bother timing anything because there was no pattern to the contractions. Nothing strong. We had the birth pool filled and ready to go, but I didn't know at what point to get in. Why get in if nothing is going on. That was my thinking.

After my 4th bathroom trip I got checked. My midwife kept telling me not to have him on the toilet. She was dead serious, but I thought she was joking. Found out I was 6 cm, but still nothing was going on. Just like with my girls (not in labor until transition). I felt just fine. Smiling, talking and trying to keep my spirits up because I was getting impatient. I took my computer to the bathroom with me so I could update my FB status while relaxing on the loo.

By this time it was 11:05pm (born at 11:51). I spent about 15 minutes on the loo while browsing my DDCs. My legs were beginning to feel numb so I decided to pace around the apt. Got something to drink and put my puter back. I phone my mom to tell her I was now 6 cm, but we're still waiting for things to kick in. We live in the same complex. We figured she'd come over with the girls when I just *knew* it was the real deal. Little did I know that I'd be having Henry a short 15 minutes after the start of our phone conversation. I had some really nice strong contractions while I was talking to her. I could still talk and walk was usual, but these seemed real. Nothing resembling BH and I just knew they wouldn't fizzle out.

5 minutes after I got off the phone with her he was out. 5 minutes before he was born I was still 6 cm (got checked while on the phone with her). We were all unbelievably shocked. I was fine one moment. Not believing his birth was at all imminent and then he's out a moment later.

I had 'planned' to use the essential oils I bought for my labor and play the birth music I selected and the birth pool. Didn't get to use any of it. It was quite the experience, but just not was I was expecting at all. I was never visibly in labor. Even my husband said I didn't really have a 'labor.' He has said it wasn't the experience he was expecting either.

I just hope that I get to have a waterbirth next time. No mess to clean up.

Anyone else have an uneventful homebirth that wasn't quite what you expected?

[ColwynsMommy]

It's really hard when your birth is nothing like what you expected, even if it was uncomplicated and easy. We spend a lot of time during pregnancy envisioning what birth will be like, preparing, etc.. and when all that goes out the window, we need to adjust. Totally normal.

In my case, I expected to be outside (it was too hot), or arranging tons flowers on our altar (my mom only bought one arrangement), or hanging out in the pool (I didn't like being in the pool during contractions, only in between). I thought everyone would be around, we'd have lots of pictures, and that my kids would be involved. It ended up being just me and my husband.. even the midwife didn't make it. We have no pictures until about 20-30 min. after the birth. I also felt like.. "We paid the midwife how much money for.. what?" - though I know that's not fair, and we're choosing to pay a midwife out of pocket again. But I remember thinking that she got off really easy.

I can't really complain about my birth, because it was essentially what I wanted (uncomplicated, easy homebirth), but it really does take some time to adjust to reality.

[JorgieGirl]

I felt the same way for awhile after my DD's birth. I fully expected to go much further overdue, and to labour for a long time. Since no one was expecting me to go into labour when I did, a lot of my support system just made it in time. My DD was born an hour after my mw's got there. I was only in the tub for less than an hour once it was fully filled and I forgot completely about the music I wanted to listen to. She was born so easily and quickly, but I felt very taken by surprise by how different it was than what I had imagined. Yes it was a wonderful birth and I'm very proud of it, but it took awhile to get used to the idea that it was what it was and my DD and I were well taken care of by mother nature.

Sometimes I felt guilty for feeling that way, considering how many hard and long labours are had. But, I learned to let go of other people's birth trauma and embrace my own emotions toward my own births. In the end, I (all of us really) have a right to our feelings what ever they may be. I don't talk about it often, and only to people who really understand (threads like this) but it is good to get it out. Have you written up your birth story yet? That can be very liberating and releasing. Go over it with your mw if you feel comfortable.

This is one of the only things I'm concerned about for my next birth. Will my family make it in time, will I have any photos, will my husband even make it in time? It's funny hoping for a longer labour, isn't it?

[MyBoysBlue]

I had a 2.5 hour hospital birth and a 25 minute UC labour. I know what you mean it's not really what I expected. I feel that I can't share my story with most people except here. They just dont' get it. I somehow feel cheated, I've never really experienced labour except in transition. I know it's weird to wish for a longer labour when so many women would have loved to have had a shorter one. I didn't get any pictures or video except after the birth.

Liam's 25 minute UC birth
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=669634

[JorgieGirl]

Originally Posted by MyBoysBlue

Liam's 25 minute UC birth
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=669634

Beautiful birth story and photos.

[Xiaohua]

Yes, I think I know what you mean. My last baby (#5) was a beautiful homebirth that left me (and especially dh) feeling disappointed. I don't feel cheated out of labor like you did, as I labored off and on for three days. But I did not have that "birth high" like I did with baby #4 when everything was PERFECT. In fact, this birth left me with so many conflicting feelings that I never even wrote out a birth story, or let many people in on the details.

Basically, it was a long, slow, drawn out labor. Baby #4 was a planned UC, but dh was not comfortable with the risks this time around and we hired a midwife. She visited several times over the first three days I was in "labor" but each time I sent her home, as I felt that things just weren't really happening. I started off with long, strong contractions, but they were 20 to 30 minutes apart. They were so intense that I could not walk or talk through them. By the third day there was no change to this pattern. I was tired but still coping. The evening of the third day things finally started to pick up, but I did not call the midwife right away; I wanted to be sure. I had a real craving for solitude, and though dh kept checking on me, asking if I needed anything (and brought me food and drink regularly) I stayed by myself. Dh actually invited some friends over for pizza but I wasn't really aware of that, I just wanted to be alone. He dropped my oldest over at a friend's house for a sleep over and put the other kids to bed. Things were starting to pick up then, contrax were probably 10 mins apart by then, but I still doubted this was the real thing. And even if it was, I wanted to be ALONE. He kept asking if I needed anything, but I told him I just needed some solitude and would call him when I needed him. He was tired (after three days of working and running the house without me, LOL) so he went to bed. I labored in the tub, where things steadily progressed. Contrax got closer and closer, and I knew we'd be meeting our baby that night. But I didn't need anything, and kept thinking I'd wait "a few more contractions" till I called the midwife and dh to let them know. Well, you can probably guess what happened...

I was so in tune with my body, having a drink often, changing position, adding hot water to the tub when it cooled, getting out to urinate regularly, timing contactions... it was perfect. I was perfectly at peace and in control. The contractions were getting harder and harder, and took more and more concentration to get through. Finally, at the peak of one I felt pushy. Just for a brief moment, but it was there. I got so excited! I couldn't wait for the next contraction to feel it again. But no, the next contraction wasn't pushy, just painful. Darn! The feeling was there with the following one, though, and I was so happy to work with it to push my baby out. But wait, something was wrong - I was pushing and nothing was happening. It doesn't work that way! You're supposed to feel the baby moving down when you push. This felt like pushing a mack truck. Again, I waited anxiously for the next one. And finally, I could feel baby moving down. And with the next one I could feel baby's head crowning in my hand. And finally, with the next one she was out. At last! What a relief! I reached down to lift my baby out of the water, felt only a head. With a little hand wriggling by the ear. Darn! I thought she was out, but it was only the head. Oh well, gotta wait for one more contraction, and then she was finally out and I lifted her up. And immediately, I left "Laborland" and my head cleared and thoughts came rushing in:
"Oh my gosh, what a short, fat baby!"
"Check that out, she has red hair!"

And almost simultaneously "Uh oh, I never called dh!" So I called him, but he was asleep and didn't hear me. I called him again, and no response. Called him a third time with a hint of panic in my voice, and he came in blinking and sleepy eyed (it was one o'clock in the morning by now) and surveyed the scene. He didn't say anything for a minute, then asked what I needed. I asked him to get me a hat for the baby and a basin for the placenta. (Had all these things prepared in the bedroom).

Anyway, to make a long story short(er), it was a glorious solo UC waterbirth. The birth was perfect. BUt dh was disappointed and hurt that I didn't call him in time for the birth. It was the first of our 5 kids that he missed the birth. The time following this birth was filled with tension, and our marriage was not in a good place. I couldn't really verbalize what I was thinking/feeling, and how it happened that I pushed the baby out without him. I kept saying that I had promised to call him when I needed him, but I didn't feel the need for help, but it wasn't a consolation. It's been nearly three years now, and I realize now that I had very strong subconsious feelings about having hired the midwife, that she would "interfere" and "medicalize" the birth. I wish I had recognized those feelings earlier!

I am 15 weeks pregnant now with #6, and you can bet that I am going to really spend time now reflecting on my feelings and hopes for the birth, and how to balance my intense need for solitude with his concerns for a safe, attended birth with emergency back-up.

So anyway, my situation is very different from yours, but I do understand how you can have a wonderful homebirth and still come out feeling unsatisfied and not fulfilled. Hope you can come to terms with your experience, and that your next one (if there is) is just what you want.


Serena

[mntnmom]

I'm sorry it wasn't what you expected. Sometimes I think we build up our expectations to the most amazing possibility, and thus are disappointed with the normal!!
Don't sweat the midwives sitting around waiting though. They do a LOT of waiting! Mine waited on me for about 3 hrs, as I can't stand being touched in labor. I know of women who've midwives sleep over at their house because of distance issues and a drawn out labor. I'm sorry you feel this way, but give it a little time to process. It sounds like you and your body did a great job!!

[ColwynsMommy]

Originally Posted by Xiaohua

Things were starting to pick up then, contrax were probably 10 mins apart by then, but I still doubted this was the real thing. And even if it was, I wanted to be ALONE. He kept asking if I needed anything, but I told him I just needed some solitude and would call him when I needed him.

Wow, my story is pretty similar to yours. I had 48 hours of prodromal contractions that wouldn't let me get any sleep, and I was getting so frustrated. It really sucks, doesn't it? I went from 2cm-birth in under an hour, and didn't want my husband around for most of that.. specifically during contractions. As soon as one started, I would make a very dismissive "Go Away" gesture, which I kind of felt bad about, but I just wasn't able to verbalize it at the time. He was running around putting plastic on the bed, setting things up, etc.. I'm betting he was actually really glad not to have to do 'labor support' other than check in with me whenever I stopped yelling.

He happened to be in the room when I started pushing, otherwise I don't know if I would have been able to call him. She came out in maybe two pushes. The only dream I had about the birth while pregnant involved me birthing the baby completely by myself in my living room, then going to wake my husband up.. so who knew what would have happened if he'd been asleep, or downstairs with the kids, or whatever. And it wasn't due to any subconscious issues we were having.. I just didn't realize I was that close to the birth until I started pushing, and then it just went too fast.

Oh well.. here's to hoping next time is different!

[GoBecGo]

Yes, but i almost NEVER talk about it, because the few times i did, right after DD was born, i was basically told to shut up and be grateful (which i kind of agree with i guess, but it really didn't help at the time).

My only birth experience was a homebirth. Things which i really didn't expect:

I didn't expect my active labour to be so short (1 hour 24mins 1st stage, 5mins 2nd stage, 14mins 3rd stage is what was written in my notes, but for the entire "1st stage" they documented i was desperately fighting the urge to push) and i expected i'd be able to "tell" which stage i was in. In fact i hit transition about 2.5hours before DD was born, but at the time i was 2-3cm dilated and only 50% effaced and my midwife actually LEFT my house right before transition because i wasn't in labour yet. I think i must have gone from 3 to 10 and 50% to 100% in 1 or 2 contractions (certainly how it felt). The reason my 2nd stage was written as 5mins long was because they only realised i was in "real" labour after i came back from trying to pee with her head hanging (literally, fully crowned) out of me. She was born in the next contraction.

I didn't expect my midwife to offer gas and air before trying to figure out what was going on with me (we'd never met before, it was an NHS HB in the UK), and because i was so desperate by then i just took it. I hugely regret that, as it didn't help and i REALLY wanted to have a drug-free birth. In the same vein i regret allowing the midwife to give me the syntometrine because "things are taking a bit long" when it'd only been 8mins according to my notes. I really wish it'd been a mw who knew me (she was the only team member i didn't know) because she just treated me like i was being totally over dramatic from the second she arrived until my DD was already there - she would bounce her fingers on my abdomen during contractions and shake her head, they weren't "real" contractions yet, she kept saying i wasn't in labour yet and to calm down (i was bull-roaring to stop myself from pushing, though not hysterically or screaming or anything).

I didn't expect or anticipate the shock of a sudden delivery. I can clearly remember holding DD on my belly and thinking "i wonder if i'm allowed to push now" - my head was a complete mess because to me, because of what the midwives had been saying to me, i wasn't in active labour yet and yet here she was on my belly. Luckily i had hours of skin to skin to get with the reality, and bonding wasn't affected, but the first few moments when i thought i'd feel all "wow" about my new kid i was just thinking about the labour i wasn't done with yet.

It has meant we decided to go with an independent MW this time, so we can have someone who knows us there, and also i am planning for another long prodomal phase and then a sudden delivery and hopefully this time i will believe what my body is telling me. I really sympathise though. Having a completely uneventful birth doesn't always mean that everyone had the best experience ever by any means. I do think sometimes we imagine an amazing experience and get a mediocre one, but i do feel in my case that my labour WAS very unpredictable and uncommon and my midwives COULD have done a much better job with me. Equally i have come to forgive myself for taking gas-and-air and syntometrine, and ultimately i do feel DD's birth was positive and safe and that is what matters most to me after the passage of a few years.

[atenea]

Originally Posted by GoBecGo

I didn't expect or anticipate the shock of a sudden delivery. I can clearly remember holding DD on my belly and thinking "i wonder if i'm allowed to push now" - .

I remember thinking, when my MV handed me the baby (she came out head and body in one push after many hours of pushing) "Don't hand me this, I need to concentrate on pushing." It took me a sec to realize that it was actually the baby, since I was such a "bad" pusher up until that point.

[zoebird]

yk, i think it's really important to talk about the curve balls.

i had an uneventful, pleasurable, ecstatic UC birth.

but i still felt that there were "curve balls." those were mostly in my reactions. i got exactly what i wanted, what i'd hoped for, and what i'd planned. literally, it was down the the numbers. i knew that i would labor/birth over 24 hrs (from beginning to end). and i worked as best i could and then had faith that it would be pleasurable, and it was. i also prepared myself to meet "death" and "walk through death to bring forth life"--and i believe i experienced that also, and prepared myself as much as i could for such a thing.

of course, one is never fully prepared for the actuality--just like parenting honestly.

it was that actuality, that sense of total dissolution into the Totality of Being that was an awesome experience. Sublime-awesome. Terrifying-sublime-awesome.

definitely everything that i wanted and needed in an initiation, in a birth, etc. it was profound and still affects me to this day.

I think that i did not come through that unscathed to a certain extent. it was overwhelming and i could see the awesome power of individuation and life, in creating a human and caring for that person after birth. i saw my own individuation clearly, and the individuation of so many others.

it was very extreme. it was a peak experience.

i don't want to do it again.

honestly, for all that my birth and pregnancy and my son are amazing and everything that i'd hoped, dreamed, and planned for. . . .

once is good.

and to an extent, this is my curve ball. i expected (or perhaps wanted) to be one of those women who love birthing, who want to do it again and again. but i am not that woman.

i am, for whatever reasons (still exploring these reasons) actively against birthing again (that is, for myself).

i'm sure i will come to more self knowledge, but i think that birth--initiations in general--always come with a few curve balls. things that are disappointing, upsetting, or what have you.

talking about them helps to process it.

so, please, please, don't "shut up." many blessings to all!