Lonely in a crowd

[RollerCoasterMama]

My annual birthday depression hasn't disappeared as quickly as usual, so I think it's still related to the transitions. I actually sent a "will-you-be-my-friend" kind of email to a woman I've known for years and she's very close friends with friends of mine. She's funny and kind and divorced with kids. So I think she'd get it. And of everyone I know in person here, she's the only one that really appeals right now. I don't know why, but I think I need a been-there-done-that person to be around right now.

I never really got to be friends with her because she and STBX always butted heads a bit. I feel like a total needy loser doing it...but I need grown-up in-person interaction with someone empathetic---not just sympathetic. Everyone else has partners and/or kids and lives too far away to be convenient.

Since my birthday slump hasn't passed, I even thought about going to see the counselor I saw last summer. But I know the advice I'd get---the same advice I'd give anyone else: try to get out there and make friends. Take some time to get used to the new situation. etc etc.

So, I sent my "please be my friend" email. Hopefully I can get back on the "EVERYTHING IS FINE" track. I've been so busy the past couple of months that I think I'm finally having time to deal with everything.

Bleh. I know this was my idea and it was a decision I really had to make. But it still sucks.

[pranamama]

good luck with getting out there

[RollerCoasterMama]

Originally Posted by pranamama

good luck with getting out there

Thanks. Not exactly what I'm in the mood for. But otherwise it's only going to get worse!! Unfortnately, my very close friends have scattered as we all followed jobs. Oh well. I'll be FINE again soon enough.

[Theia]

I know what you mean. I'm trying to find a way to get myself and DD some interaction with others of our respective age groups. My counselor also tells me I need to get myself out there. But it's not the easiest thing to do. I often feel like everyone else already has their own routines and social circle and doesn't always have room for more. Probably more my own insecurity than fact, but there is some truth in it.

I'm going to enroll DD in a couple of toddler activities through our local parks and rec dept. Hopefully that will open some doors for us to socialize.

I hope you recover from your funk soon.

[RollerCoasterMama]

Originally Posted by Theia

I often feel like everyone else already has their own routines and social circle and doesn't always have room for more. Probably more my own insecurity than fact, but there is some truth in it.

This. Even among my old friends I feel this way. I've been in crisis and/or had a young baby )or both) for most of the past 6 or 7 years. Now I feel like I'm pushing in. I know some lovely people, but they've got other things on their plate and my time is so limited, so they're mostly online chit-chat. Hopefully once we start visitations and the weather gets nicer I'll be able to transition into more grown-up time.

I'm probably just dealing with all of the crap I didn't have time to deal this fall. Now the to-do list is almost done so I have time to breath again. And as un-fun as this is, it's still better than before making the decision to divorce. Now I'm past making to-do lists and plans and I'm working on the reality.

[robinchap1]

Just wanted to send you a hug and say that I can totally, completely relate. I too have been wishing for a been there done that friend. Someone who really gets it. No matter how wonderful, caring, and compassionate other friends are, sometimes you just need someone who really gets it.

And I can also relate to the feeling of "pushing in" on other groups of friends. And just not having the mental, physical, emotional energy to work at it. And other friends being busy with their married lives, etc. And already having been there for the crisis. What no one realizes is just how hard the after the crisis is...

I don't think I have any words of wisdom. Just an "I get it" and hugs.
And a feeble, I think it will get better. I do think it will... if we just keep plugging away and working through the layers and nourishing ourselves.

Take care.

[Holland73]

I always think of this quote whenever I am in a funk:

"When life gives you lemons, let the lemons be. Sour has a sweetness all its own, and a season, like all seasons, that doesn't last."

It reminds me that it is OK to be in that depressed funk and that there is a time, place and purpose of such an emotional state, such as how this state of mind is pushing you to connect with your friend. It is kind of motivating you, pushing you out of your box.

BUT, the quote also reminds me... it will not last.

[RollerCoasterMama]

Thanks. I figured you guys would get it. And to perk up the day, DS and I are having ice cream for a special treat. Small things.

[Momtwice]

My advice would be to be persistent and patient. I've found real friendships, like dating, take time (to see who will work out and to develop relationships.)

I pick an activity I love, whether joining my house of worship, LLL or another women's circle....and it takes time to make friends there.

And yes, there can be rejection or times things just don't jell, and we have to pick ourselves up and keep trying with a positive attitude even if we fake it sometimes.

It's even ok if we sometimes need to be a bit more of a hermit and take a break as long as we get back up and try again, consistently, over time.

(And yes, oh what a gift it is to have someone really get us.)

[RollerCoasterMama]

Originally Posted by Momtwice

My advice would be to be persistent and patient. I've found real friendships, like dating, take time (to see who will work out and to develop relationships.)

I pick an activity I love, whether joining my house of worship, LLL or another women's circle....and it takes time to make friends there.

And yes, there can be rejection or times things just don't jell, and we have to pick ourselves up and keep trying with a positive attitude even if we fake it sometimes.

It's even ok if we sometimes need to be a bit more of a hermit and take a break as long as we get back up and try again, consistently, over time.

(And yes, oh what a gift it is to have someone really get us.)

That's a good perspective. Totally obvious, but easy to miss. Finding true friendships is sort of like dating.

The not-so-close friend I emailed was very nice because she has been through this years ago and gets it and now has three great teenagers to show for it. And she went through it in the same social circle that I'm in, so she knows the gossip factor, etc. And it helps that we've got history together pushing ten years. We've just never been very close. I already know we like each other and have things in common. So that helps immensely. And even if we don't schedule something immediately, now I've got her added to my little circle of people making sure I don't hole up completely.

The PP that said that this emotional state served a purpose was right. It was just enough that I knew to reach outside of my box. But not so bad that I got really depressed. And once I did that, I feel much better today. (I also took a "sick" day and just napped and chilled. Catching up on sleep works magic!!!)