Hypothetical question about custody

[lilgreen]

I'm married and hoping it will all work out and stay that way. BUT.... things are as rocky as ever and our childcare situation has recently changed and I want some experienced suggestions about the possible custody implications if it stays this way and we were to separate.

I just returned f/t to school after being home for 8.5mos on maternity leave (we have 3 kids). Dh is home f/t for the first time ever for the next 3mos. He really likes it, though, and is talking about quitting his f/t work gig and just doing his WAH p/t job while being f/t dad.

If I felt secure in our relationship, I would fully welcome this. But, I don't and so it concerns me. If we separated a year from now and he had been the f/t caregiver since this month, would he be likely to get custody if things got nasty and we had to go through court instead of sorting it out with mediators? I have always been the f/t caregiver when the situation presented itself (eg. 1yr maternity leave after ds2's birth, 2.5yrs home mostly f/t after ds1's birth). Would this have weight? Or is it the immediate situation that is most important?

Thank you so much for your wisdom, ladies!

[pranamama]

I think your ex would be able to keep custody of the children until the divorce was finalized, and you may be looking at having to go to trial although if you are comfortable with 50 50 custody and it is common where you live that may be an option the court would look favorably upon. If any of your problems with your husband center around him being an incompetent parent you had best not leave the chidlren with him now....


good luck

[NolaRiordan]

Originally Posted by pranamama

I think your ex would be able to keep custody of the children until the divorce was finalized, and you may be looking at having to go to trial although if you are comfortable with 50 50 custody and it is common where you live that may be an option the court would look favorably upon. If any of your problems with your husband center around him being an incompetent parent you had best not leave the chidlren with him now....

My DH had been a SAHD for nearly 8 years when we divorced. I agree with everything pranamama said. As my lawyer said when I first met with him, having your spouse be the PCP makes you "vulnerable" if there is a fight about custody. When I brought up that really he was just a SAHD on paper and did next to nothing with the kids my lawyer said then a judge would ask why I was OK with him being home with the kids all those years.

If your H does end up staying home with the kids for a while I would strongly recommend that you document how involved you are in the kids lives and everything that you do with them.

[MtBikeLover]

What Nola said!

My ex had been a SAHD since the kids were born. My biggest fear was losing custody so I never initiated the divorce. I got lucky - about 6 months before we got divorced, he decided to go back to "work" by trading the market. I used that as an excuse to get a caregiver so that if wouldn't look like he was a SAHD anymore.

Here is what my laywer told me - Document, document, document everything you do for the kids. Continue to make the doctor appointments (and go to them), continue to communicate with teachers if your kids are in school, schedule playdates, make sure you get home at a decent hour, don't travel for work if you can prevent it, etc. I kept a journal where I documented everything I did for the kids every day.

My lawyer also said it was rare that a mom would lose custody unless she was an unfit mother (drugs, abuse, etc). We ended up working everything out in mediation and I got custody with a pretty liberal visitation schedule for ex. But he did threaten me many times with custody to get what he wanted (money). And many other lawyers told me it would be a struggle to win if he really wanted to fight. At best, I would get 50/50 if it had turned into a fight.

[lilgreen]

Thanks so much you guys!

I just want to clarify... if I keep a list of the things I do for the kids, do things like doing their laundry, keeping the house clean, doing dishes, making their lunches, and other more housekeeping type of stuff count? Because inevitably, if he has the kids when I am home, you'll find me doing all the other stuff he hasn't done to keep our lives manageable.

[NolaRiordan]

Originally Posted by lilgreen

Thanks so much you guys!

I just want to clarify... if I keep a list of the things I do for the kids, do things like doing their laundry, keeping the house clean, doing dishes, making their lunches, and other more housekeeping type of stuff count? Because inevitably, if he has the kids when I am home, you'll find me doing all the other stuff he hasn't done to keep our lives manageable.

I think that stuff is OK to keep track of, but my understanding is you really want to document things you actively do with the kids-- reading books, giving a bath, taking them to classes or lessons, arranging playdates, taking them to birthday parties, etc. You need to document that you are actively involved in their lives, not just routine maintenance. Also, I would make it a point of getting to know their teachers, the parents of their friends, their scout leaders, and anyone else that is in their lives. You want a list of people who can verify that you are involved in your kids lives, that you spend time with them, and can speak to what kind of a parent you are when you're with them.

At one point my X's lawyer subpoenaed a list of people who I would call as witnesses if we went to trial and I was able to come up with a list as long as your arm of teachers, coaches, scout leaders, friends parents, etc etc. who I KNEW would be able to say I was involved and committed and an attentive mother. I knew that shut X up when he saw it because there was no way in hell he'd be able to come up with anyone besides maybe his own mother who could talk about what he did with the kids.

[MtBikeLover]

Originally Posted by NolaRiordan

Also, I would make it a point of getting to know their teachers, the parents of their friends, their scout leaders, and anyone else that is in their lives. You want a list of people who can verify that you are involved in your kids lives, that you spend time with them, and can speak to what kind of a parent you are when you're with them.

I agree with this completely! My lawyer told me this and also said that if a child evaluator were hired they would ask me who their ped was, who their teacher was and would even take a look at my cell phone to see what numbers I had programmed in there (ie did I have the ped, school, teacher numbers in it).

Make sure you stay over involved in your kids lives - not so much the cleaning parts, but the really important stuff. In my diary, I did track some of the mundane things (like making breakfast and preparing lunches and dropping kids off at school) because those were things that a SAHM would usually do which would allow the working parent to get to work on time. By tracking things like that it showed that he did not do what most SAHM's do. And that I had taken on all of the SAHM duties yet was still working.

[bananabug]

Is this worthwhile to do (keeping a diary) if you are both at home? We have a home business and currently both work from home, but I do 80% of taking care of the kids. We are also likely headed for divorce, so I want to have my ducks in a row....

[sunflowers]

I have a friend who is dealing with this now. She and her husband are seperated. While they were married, he was the SAHP while she worked.

Now they share the child 50/50 but still haven't gone to court or come to an agreement concerning custody. The best situation she is looking at right now is legal & physical 50/50 with her paying him CS and alimony.

Dad has not done any playdates, no activities, just basic caretaking and playing with the child. Her lawyer still said he still has a good chance at primary custody with her having visitation. The fact that they are doing 50/50 during the seperation is the best thing going for her case.

[NolaRiordan]

Originally Posted by bananabug

Is this worthwhile to do (keeping a diary) if you are both at home? We have a home business and currently both work from home, but I do 80% of taking care of the kids. We are also likely headed for divorce, so I want to have my ducks in a row....

I don't know. It's always best to have lots of documentation. So I would keep track. Do you think he's likely to claim he is the primary caretaker?

FWIW, I use e-mail rather than a paper diary. I send e-mail from one account to the other so it has a time and date stamp. And then I print it out.

[MissLotus]

OP, if he quit his full-time job after the three months, how does he think the bills get paid? Does he expect you to support him?

If you're concerned about him appearing to be the primary care-giver, I wouldn't let that happen. At the very least, it would sway things in his direction, should it go to court.

Housekeeping stuff is necessary, yes, but I think it's all about who's actually caring for the kids themselves.

[doubledutch]

considering your post in p.a.p. today, i think it would be best to level with your dh about what being a full-time at home parent entails. it sounds like he is just a warm body in the house when you're at school, and you are still doing all the housework. tell him you don't think him sah ft is a good idea, but if he's serious about it, he should spend a month truly being a full-time at-home dad. that doesn't mean doing all the cooking, cleaning, errands or kid activities, but it means doing all the ones that occur during the day (so no more mama packing lunches) and half of the evening/weekend stuff. he needs to see what it would be like to determine if he really wants to go there.

i'm saying this as someone with a sahd partner who has learned this the hard way. i'm planning to have a conversation like this with dh and it's not going to be pretty, but i have to. i can't continue being this angry with him or this stressed at bearing the responsibility for everything. you have a chance to either set this up correctly from the beginning, or have him decide he isn't into it. if your marriage can't stand an honest, respectful conversation about roles and expectations, figure that out now - before has been the at-home parent for a few years - so that if you end up splitting he will have only been home for a couple of months at best.