Choosing Godparents for Catholics

[newmommy7-08]

I am having a very difficult time with this and am looking for some advice. My god parents are my aunt and uncle they have always been a huge part of my life and I value them as not just my aunt and uncle, but also my god parents. For DS1 we chose my BIL (noncatholic but will be a huge support in anything needed) and my cousin (young, but an extremely strong Catholic). Now we find ourselves pregnant with twins. Catholic relations I have 1 other female cousin who is a good choice and that's it. My 1 male cousin who is confirmed (brother to DS's godmother) isn't in a good place right now and I wouldn't feel comfortable asking him. I do have a few friends who are Catholic but feel asking them would be just because they're Catholic and not having anything to do with having a long standing relationship with them. I truly feel if they aren't going to have a relationship with my child then what's the point in giving them the title god parent.

I do have a brother, who never got confirmed, and two other cousins who are baptised catholic but also never got confirmed! UGH! I also think asking the same pair to godparent the twins as well is putting a LOT on them.

Any suggestions oh wise catholic mamas?

[jest]

Originally Posted by newmommy7-08

I also think asking the same pair to godparent the twins as well is putting a LOT on them.

Any suggestions oh wise catholic mamas?

I'm not sure what you mean by "putting a lot on them". My sister has 4 children and I am the Godmother of 2 of them and my DH is the Godfather of 3 of them (we are also Godparents to one of DH's brother's kids). It is really not a burden at all.

Another option for you...the church only requires ONE Godparent. You may choose to have a 2nd Godparent of the opposite gender or you may also have a non-Catholic "Christian Witness" of the opposite gender (although I don't believe a lapsed Catholic would be eligible for this, I think it would have to be a Christian who is in good standing with his or her own church).

ETA: I just re-read your post and it appears you already know this (my previous paragraph), since your older child would technically have a Godmother (your cousin) and a Christian Witness (your BIL). If it were me I think I would go ahead and ask the cousin and BIL again, for both babies.

It's tough....my DH and I are both cradle Catholics and it is getting harder to find suitable/eligible Godparents among our family members. If we were to have another child I would probably have to "repeat" some Godparents as well.

[xekomaya]

I have a bit of a different perspective. My brother and I were both emergency baptisms in the hospital (several years apart, different issues). My Godmother is a nurse I have never met. My brother has no Godparents at all. I was always a little envious as a kid when I saw other family getting special gifts from their Godparents, but really it has never been much of an issue for me.

The most important thing (IMO) is choosing very good Catholic role models, if available, and otherwise choosing good Catholics who will pray for your children. Extra attention and special gifts are really secondary and somewhat trivial compared to the spiritual help - either direct or through prayer- that Godparents can be.

If we conceive again, my next child's grandparents will probably be a (nonspecific) acquaintance at Church who will really pray for my baby and our family.

[newmommy7-08]

Maybe my understanding of what godparents are there for is lacking. I was always taught that your godparents were there to help you spiritually and to help your parents make sure you stayed on the right path? Is this incorrect?

[xekomaya]

It is not incorrect, it is just that having strong Catholics is usually seen as more important than having a personal relationship if you can't have both. Having someone who prays for you for the rest of their life is incredible valuable, even if they won't be a sort of second parent. Having Godparents that attend Church with you is also great because it strengthens the importance of the Church community in your lives.

[lovebug]

ok so i am no were near this, but have thought a lot about it. now i am going to be upfront and say i am not 'all' catholic so part of my thinking reflects that. please do not flame or judge!

i would pick someone you trust to carry on your religion even if that mean they are not Catholic. i know lots of good 'Catholics' that i would NEVER choose to be my kiddos god parents. however i have tons of friends that i WOULD trust to carry on and lead my child to god. to me a God parent is so much more then just Catholic....

[Anastasiya]

Originally Posted by lovebug

ok so i am no were near this, but have thought a lot about it. now i am going to be upfront and say i am not 'all' catholic so part of my thinking reflects that. please do not flame or judge!

i would pick someone you trust to carry on your religion even if that mean they are not Catholic. i know lots of good 'Catholics' that i would NEVER choose to be my kiddos god parents. however i have tons of friends that i WOULD trust to carry on and lead my child to god. to me a God parent is so much more then just Catholic....

Except the Church won't let you choose someone not Catholic.

Godparents have to be Catholic - that's one of the qualifiers. Anyone chosen who isn't Catholic is merely a "witness". The OP's BIL, for example, would be a witness, not a godfather.

[lovebug]

Originally Posted by Anastasiya

Except the Church won't let you choose someone not Catholic.

Godparents have to be Catholic - that's one of the qualifiers. Anyone chosen who isn't Catholic is merely a "witness". The OP's BIL, for example, would be a witness, not a godfather.

merely? my God Parents are not (well one is/was) Catholic, but she did sign the certificate as merely a witness, but to me and God they are my God Parents. and they were 100% the best choice to be such. they (other then my mom and dad) they we some of the biggest factors to why i have such a strong love with god.

so i guess my point is to have just merely witnesses if you feel they can still do the job.

[elanorh]

I think it's important that at least one Godparent be a strong Catholic - someone who will be able to model and lead in a strong Catholic life. I don't think that has to necessarily be true of both Godparents (but the other ought to be someone who is leading a principled, faithful life if at all possible).

I think there is a family component to this which can muck things up. DD1's baptism was an emergency, her godparents are my aunt and uncle (who were nearby) but while they are part of her life, they aren't as active from a faith perspective as I'd like (which is odd because they're very conservative Catholics, but I think it might be normal for some from their generation?). Dh's sister is really territorial and jealous about things, she keeps track of stuff. She's not Catholic, but her husband is a confirmed (and mostly lapsed) Catholic. Dh and I talked a lot about this; as he's not Catholic either, he actually really felt like we needed to be 'fair' and ask his sister and BIL. They fit the 'rules' for baptism, and do take their Godparent status seriously so far - but frankly, I asked one of my sisters to please also take a role with dd2 just so she has that role modeling.

My Godparents were an aunt and a friend of my parents, who later left the church. I'm from a large family and saw several different 'types' of Godparents among my sisters; I do think that it's really valued and appreciated if a Godparent is actively concerned with your life - even if they live far away. It's nice to have birthday cards, gifts, etc. from your Godparents, and to have them aware of other special days (not just Church related, but accomplishments at school or whatever). I agree that helping your parents with their tasks is part of it too - I've talked with the parents of kids I godparents about spiritual challenges godchild is going through quite a bit, over the years (as well as other life issues, like lousy teachers or whatever).

When we were discussing godparents with our first two kiddos, it was difficult - our options were pretty much my sisters, and no Catholic men we could think of who were parts of our lives on any level. Old friends of mine who I wasn't in touch with anymore from college, but no one else --- Then we had a d'OH! moment a couple years ago - my roommate from freshman year of college and her husband (who was practically a roommate ) are active Catholics. Dh didn't really know them that well because they live on the other side of the country from us, but at this point, I do think that they would be who we would ask to Godparent if we were to have another child. They're from large families, and I don't want it to be a burden, but if they're willing they'd be great. Dh has gotten to know them better and really enjoys them. And they've been friends of mine for nearly 20 years now (ACK, so long!). They're here for the long haul; we don't see them very often (every five years or so) but we are in regular contact. As frequent as my contact with sisters, even!

The thing is, they would have been great for dd1 and dd2, too - we just didn't 'think' of them. Are you sure you don't have a friend who fits that profile (just one, it wouldn't have to be both)?

All that said - lacking one of my godparents, I can still say that my parents' many friends and my relatives too were good role models and concerned and active in my faith life while I was growing up.

[newmommy7-08]

Thank you all for your very thoughtful responses! I really do appreciate having other Catholics to bounce this off. DH isn't Catholic and as such his mother's attitude is 'just pick someone as long as they're Catholic who cares'. That REALLY doesn't work for me. My uncle who I mentioned is my godfather is also techinically a Christian witness. However, he has been a stronger advocate for my faith than one would have thought possible. When I reached adulthood several things, pretty major things caused me to falter in my beliefs. He realized that and encouraged, and when that didn't work, flat out shoved me back to church, telling me I'd find my answers there. He was right. I want someone like that for my children.

I know we can't predict how someone will be in 20 or 30 years, and I don't even know if that was my parents plan from the get go, but i like all parents want to give my children the best of everything, and that includes the best choice for god parents. I want people who are going to take the role of god parents seriously. We talked at length to BIL about what the title means to me. My cousin who also has two active involved god parents also knows how we feel. For the twins, I have one additional female cousin who I would feel confident to a point asking to be god mother. So I guess I could ask DS's godmother to stand up for the other twin, but I'm not sure how I feel about asking BIL to stand up for both of them... it may cause some family drama that I don't necessarily want to deal with. Of course that's my brothers own darn fault since he didn't get confirmed... (That fact just makes me want to scream!)

[Anastasiya]

Originally Posted by lovebug

merely? my God Parents are not (well one is/was) Catholic, but she did sign the certificate as merely a witness, but to me and God they are my God Parents. and they were 100% the best choice to be such. they (other then my mom and dad) they we some of the biggest factors to why i have such a strong love with god.

so i guess my point is to have just merely witnesses if you feel they can still do the job.

You can't have only witnesses. You must have one Godparent, who is a practicing Catholic.

And "merely" isn't meant to be derogatory - my witness is a better guy than my real godfather. Still, it isn't what the Church requires.