Is this ok?

[Halfasianmomma]

A bit of background: I was never "allowed" to have friends from the opposite sex during my marriage with my STBX. He was constantly jealous and accused me of shagging anything male around me, so I just stuck to having female friends. Recently, an old friend from school got back in touch with me and we had coffee downtown during my lunch hour. We had such a good time that I told him I'd welcome any other opportunity to chat some more, but that my time was super limited.

He called again today and asked if I had some time in the evening, which I generally do not, what with dinner, bath time and then bedtime, so I invited him over (to my parents' house!) for dinner and offered him a lift home afterwards, if he wanted.

This person is NOT at all a romantic interest, nor was he ever. It'll just be dinner at my house/my parents' house and chatting. I'm just wondering if it is ok to have DD "meet" a friend of mine, who happens to be male. I know that if STBX knew, he'd FREAK out.

[NolaRiordan]

Honestly? I wouldn't do it. If you want to e-mail and talk with him on the phone I think that's fine. But I would not have him meet your DD.

[Hollycrand]

Try to have him come over when your parents are around, like for a family dinner or something. Then it,s more like a 'family friend'.
Your dd is so young, I don't think she'd remember much anyways.

You are allowed to have friends of the opposite sex.

[Halfasianmomma]

Oh I guess I should have been clearer...he has been invited to dinner, *with my parents*, and right now, he is currently involved with men. So, again, NO romance. And yes, DD is 18 months of age.

[NolaRiordan]

To me it doesn't matter whether or not he's gay, it doesn't matter whether or not you're interested in him, it doesn't matter whether or not your parents are there. You said you know your STBX would freak out if he knew. So why risk it? Aren't you still in the mediation process? I would highly suggest you fly under the radar as much as possible and try not to incite your STBX at all. The stakes are too high. If he's pissed off he's going to try to get back at you. Believe me, I know this all first hand, and your DD and your financial future may get hurt in the cross fire. Once you're divorced you can hang out with whoever you like, and introduce your DD to who ever you like. Just wait until then.

[redorchid]

I don't think it's your friend's gender you should worry about, but his dependability and weather you trust him and will stay in contact with him. You don't want your son building relationships with people that might be in and out of his life.

Also, it sounds a little scary concerning your ex. What kind of freaking are we talking about? Make sure that you and your son are safe. If you have to sneak around to have dinner with a platonic friend, what's your life going to look like when you are ready to date someone?

[Rosehip]

Originally Posted by NolaRiordan

You said you know your STBX would freak out if he knew. So why risk it? Aren't you still in the mediation process? I would highly suggest you fly under the radar as much as possible and try not to incite your STBX at all. The stakes are too high. If he's pissed off he's going to try to get back at you. .

Yes, this. During the separation/divorce process (a year and a half), I made sure that my behavior was impeccable, that nothing could be called into question. I didn't date until the divorce was absolutely final, I erred on the side of caution with regard to doc visits, school, etc. I kept X informed of even minor updates via email so that I had a record (DD has had a runny nose & I gave her sudafed. DD has a party @ school on Tuesday, I will be attending). Stay beyond reproach. See your friend on your own time, when DD is with your parents or your X.

[Halfasianmomma]

Ok, thanks for your input mamas. I hadn't considered the ramifications re: separation/divorce, but now that I think of it, I do need to be "flawless" in case of future trouble, especially considering my X's freak-out tendencies.

[La Sombra]

I don't get it! What judge is going to hold it against her for having a friend who is male--especially if he's gay?!! This seems crazy, absurd and antiquated to me! Okay, so her STBX would freak if he found out (IF), but who cares? That's why she's not together with him anymore, right? What matters is how this relationship would count in a custody hearing and while I'm all for being super cautious, is there really a judge out there that would penalize her for having a FRIEND who is a MALE?

Sorry if this sounds attack-y against you mamas who have advised Halfasianmama not to hang out with this guy. The truth is that I'm just starting all this legal stuff myself so I don't know but I'm just really surprised that having friends of the opposite sex could ever count against either parent, custody-wise. That seems OUTRAGEOUS to me!

[Rosehip]

Originally Posted by La Sombra

I don't get it! What judge is going to hold it against her for having a friend who is male--especially if he's gay?!! This seems crazy, absurd and antiquated to me! Okay, so her STBX would freak if he found out (IF), but who cares? That's why she's not together with him anymore, right? What matters is how this relationship would count in a custody hearing and while I'm all for being super cautious, is there really a judge out there that would penalize her for having a FRIEND who is a MALE?

Sorry if this sounds attack-y against you mamas who have advised Halfasianmama not to hang out with this guy. The truth is that I'm just starting all this legal stuff myself so I don't know but I'm just really surprised that having friends of the opposite sex could ever count against either parent, custody-wise. That seems OUTRAGEOUS to me!

If I knew that something would set X off, during the God-awful, already contentious divorce process, and it weren't something that were really important to me, you can bet your bottom dollar I would have avoided it. We're not talking about turning your back on your life-long best friends, quitting a long-held job, etc. It's simply. not. worth. it. if you're dealing with an X who can dish out the vitriol. In some circumstances, the child is going to feel the fallout too - in reduced visits from the NCP, increased tension between the parents.

My suggestion was simply that she socialize with this friend when her child is not around. From the info we have, having this fellow over for a family dinner would be nice, but is certainly not absolutely crucial. Telling her friend that given the divorce situation, I'd prefer we get together w/o DC just doesn't seem like a big price to pay if it avoids adding more ugliness to the situation. The divorce process is a temporary state (despite how it feels), and she'll be able to resume her regularly scheduled programming once the dust has settled. Unfair? Maybe. Best option? In my mind, yes.

For parents who had less contentious divorces and spouses who did not threaten to go for split custody (as in, I get one kid, you get the other) over seemingly minor issues, maybe this seems ridiculous. But as someone who spent her marriage walking on eggshells, this was definitely my way of managing.

ETA: It's not that a judge would be aghast at her having a friend. It's that she feels that it might send her X into a rage, and that might incite HIM to make the whole process more difficult.

[La Sombra]

Ah, I hear you Rosehip. I guess I was thinking of it more as: he spent their whole marriage controlling her, why should he still get to do that to her over something as harmless as having a friend who happens to be male? But I do *totally* get what you are saying: that if she has to make this one, not-terribly-huge (and hopefully temporary) sacrifice to get herself through this process as smoothly as possible, why not make it? So, yeah, I guess that makes sense!

[onyxravnos]

i don't see it as an issue. if you had run into an old female friend would you think twice of introducing your DD to her? of course not. Why does his being male restrict your friendship?

if he is a FRIEND then there is no reason not to and boo to whatever you X thinks about it that's his issue.

[LoveOhm]

I am not sure if this issue is mute but I will chime in!

With regard to male company...

I do agree that it would be perfectly fine for you to have any friend over for dinner as long as they were respectful of you and your dd. I have no problem introducing my dd to male friends - I have several male friends whom I grew up with and my dd knows most of them no different than my felmale friends. As far as the men I date I used to think no men can meet my dd until it's serious blah blah but then I got to really thinking and my dd is such a HUGE part of my life any man would only be seeing a small portion of my persona/responsibilities/happiness, etc. without meeting my dd so I now feel that they should meet very early on but in a controled "group" setting.

With regard to protecting yourself....

Yes I suggest not rocking the boat with your ex until AFTER the mediation process is signed, sealed and delivered. You don't need to be afraid of a judge or mediator judging you per se but of your ex causing undue drama and taking out his "rage" or whatever other emotions out during this mediation process just overall being spiteful. That said you dd is 18 months unless she is very very verbal or unless you think your ex is crazy enough to be spying on you I think you will be fine this one time....... still it's all the more reason to have the court items taken care of sooner than later.

[rlmueller]

Safety first

STBX aside and courts aside. I wouldn't invite people I don't know well to the house where my family/children live.