I don't like family mealtime-help?

[NicaG]

I am feeling guilty. Everyone talks about how great it is to eat dinner together as a family, how it makes your kids brilliantly intelligent, how it ensures they will never use drugs, how it fosters close relationships, etc. etc.

I find family mealtime stressful and annoying. I don't really like eating together.

My kids are 4.5 and 1. Maybe that's part of it.

My dh gets home between 6:30 and 7 most days, and it's really too late to eat together. The kids are either starving, or not hungry because they've eaten so many snacks. If we do sit down together, my older ds usually announces he doesn't like whatever we're eating, and then he eats a couple bites and wants to leave the table. Or he asks for something different. We're always jumping up from the table to answer one more request--more milk, more pasta, etc. etc. I feel like I barely get a chance to eat anything because I'm so busy cutting everyone's food, gathering drinks, etc. By the time I eat, my food is cold. Ds interrupts if dh and I talk to each other. The baby finishes eating and starts throwing all her food on the floor. And then the whole big production is over in about 10 minutes. It's just no fun.

Am I doing something wrong? Does family mealtime get better when kids are older? Am I doing permanent damage by serving dinner to the kids at 5, and then eating later with dh after the kids are in bed?

[philomom]

Try a heavier snack at 4. Then, they can wait until 6:30 to 7.


Also, if you must pre-feed them... have them at least sit with you at the dinner table for your dinner with dh. They can talk to you and dh or have a dessert or fruit and cheese. This will get them accustomed to the idea of sitting at the table as a family. Have on some soothing music. Ask about the favorite parts of each other's day.

[mamalisa]

This might get my mdc card taken away, but we don't usually have family dinner. EEEEKKKKK!! I know, I know, my kids are going to grow up disconnected to us, they will not know how to use flatware and never learn to hold a conversation. I'm willing to risk it.

When dd was smaller I'd feed the kids, then when dh got home I would eat with him. Now that they are older, they usually have their tv time while we eat dinner and dh and I eat together. I felt the same way you did when my kids were younger, there was nothing pleasant about a meal where I had to cut up everyone's food, refill water cups, grab ketchup and then enjoy my meal cold. So I stopped doing it.

We spend almost all of our at home time together as a family. Practically the only thing we don't do together is eat dinner.

[tbone_kneegrabber]

Sometimes ds is just hungry for dinner before anyone else is. So then he eats dinner earlier. He can eat more, hanging out, or not while other people eat, no harm no foul. Yea a lot of times we try to eat together, but we spend a lot of time together, so I'm sweating meals!

[cappuccinosmom]

It helps to have the whole meal on the table. I just bring the pots directly to the table, so that people who want more have it right there. Same with the milk jug or juice container.

Their ages make it hard. But you can do it. Keep persisting. Ours are just a few years older now and supper is getting more and more fun, as they can participate in the conversation around the table. At the very little ages, it's mostly for getting into the habit, no expectation of htigns being perfect. Also, there's nothing wrong with feeding the children early. You can sit down with them and practice table conversation (asking about each other's day, etc), and manners.

[Alyantavid]

I think it does get better.

We do have a few rules concerning dinner that help make it less stressful on me. One, no one is allowed to say something is gross or yucky or anything like that. Two, you must try 2 bites of whatever is served. Beyond that, I don't care if they eat it or like it or not. But there's no reason to be rude.

I generally serve everyone and make sure everyone's got everything before I sit down. After that, the kids usually can get most things themselves. At the very least, my 3.5 year old can refill his water.

[BetsyS]

It's hard for us, too. My dh gets home at 6. My kids go to bed at 7 (and they'd like to go to bed earlier, so 7 is really pushing it).

That's ONE hour they get with dh a day. It's just not worth it to us for half of that time to be occupied with eating, cleaning up, me jumping up and down and all around (our table isn't in the kitchen--no room), and the general chaos that is supper time.

Plus, if you go to bed at 7, waiting until 6 or 6:15 (cause who wants to come in the door, take off your coat, and eat?? Certainly not dh) to eat is really hard. So, I feel for my kids on the days I don't feed them early.

It works a lot better for us to feed the kids early, then dh and I eat after they go to bed. I eat breakfast and lunch with them, we eat all 3 meals together on the weekends, and that'll just have to do for now.

edited to add: my kids are 1 and 3, so I think some of it is the age.

[JL83]

DD is 3. At this point she just has to join us at the table. If she was hungry before supper and had a big snack, then she doesn't eat any food. That's OK.

But she does have to sit for a few minutes.

We deal with the other problems by having her get her own extras. There's a stool in the kitchen that lets her get her own water from the sink. We put the food into/onto serving plates and so that's all on the table.

[Carhootel]

I don't like family mealtime either. I'm terrible but even before kids I want to space out while I eat. I know that's not good eating habits but seriously, zoning out on the computer is my favorite way to eat dinner. Since ds was born we've made more of an effort to eat at the table together, dh LOVES it, I still would rather not but I try to make the effort. It's frustrating but I'm hoping at some point it will "click" and we'll find a rhythm that works for all of us

[littlehoneybee]

I could have written your exact post! I'm hoping everything gets better when these kids are older because right now it, I'm stressed.

[luv-my-boys]

its hard at that age. We have just started to eat together as a family The kids were always hungry before DH got home and with their food/sugar issues I cant really keep popping snacks in them so I would make it a point to feed them still at the table but just us. Usually DH would come home shortly after they finished so they would do "dessert" with us while we ate our meal. I normally do wait for Dh to get home to eat together. It has become easier as they have gotten older for sure. I also make it a point to bring the drink pitcher to the table (I always have someone who is parched) and I try to bring the food to the table even if its in the pans/pots that way I dont have to get up all the time. We've found this time to talk about our day, one rule in our house is DH is allowed to bemoan his work/co-workers but once dinner is done no mention of work. It helps for him to "de-compress" and move on like I tell him

[mumkimum]

We often opt for family breakfasts (esp. on weekends) instead of dinners. Or more likely family snack (like tea, fruit, and cookies) sitting down together. Dinner just doesn't always work out as we get hungry at different times cause of having slightly different schedules (or being pregnant, or whatever) even just me and dh, kiddo aside (who is 3). I do think the younger ages are harder with that kind of thing though, so yeah.

[Linda on the move]

It does get easier as the get older. When my kids were the ages your kids are now, dinner together was impossible. Now my kids are 11 and 13 and it is reasonably easy and I can see how important it is. All the press about how important it is must relate to older children and teens.

For now, feed your kids at the time it works for them to eat, whatever that is. Then eat with your DH in a relaxed way. Your kids will be happy because they will get feed when they are hungry and you can go back to enjoying a little time with your DH (most couples with small children could use a few minutes a day to relax and connect). Let daddy connect with the kids by being part of bedtime routine or morning routine or whatever works for your family.

What works best when you have a 4 and 1 year old isn't how you have to live for the rest of your life. Just do what works now. You are a good mommy and you can let go of the guilt!

[velochic]

We eat late, too. We've taken a cue from dh's culture (he's from Turkey, so Middle East/Europe) and in these situations have a 5 o'clock tea time. It's a light snack... you don't let them eat an entire meal... and they aren't going to starve in the 2 hours until meal time with a light snack.

Then mealtime can be a light meal also. We eat together every night except one (dh has a late lecture and I work my very p/t job late that day while my mom cares for dd) and we LOVE and have always loved eating together nearly every night.

The key is kids are not cranky and they're not full. Oh, and everyone eats what is put on the table. Period. I serve great food made from scratch and everyone can eat what I put my time and effort into. I don't serve disgusting food, so they can eat or not eat. Their choice.

[Violet2]

Well a partial solution...I've been telling DD she has to wait until I'm ready to get whatever she's asking for.

That way I can at least get a few bites in before her patience is gone.

If she's really persnickety and we are just not in the mood to cater to her, I just give her a low sugar popcicle. That keeps her quiet for 15 minutes or so.

V

[karemore]

I believe all that stuff about family meals pertains to older children. Older kids are usually away in school all day, busy with friends and activities and spend little time with parents.

Your children are with you all day. There's not a reason in the world why you shouldn't feed them when they are hungry and enjoy some quiet time with your partner when the kids are in bed!

Weekends you can have family meals if you feel it's important. Breakfast?

I think with little ones it's so much more important to keep the stress levels down in the home.

I don't believe in keeping kids tied to the table either until they are old enough to be content.

Meal time should not be a power struggle. And it shouldn't be stressful.

[kcstar]

In your situation, I would try the tea / afternoon snack routine. I would put more focus on encouraging the four-year-old to sit with you and your husband for dinner.

What time does the 1-year-old go to sleep? I know my 2-year-old usually wants to go to bed at 6 pm in the winter. I wouldn't worry if the 1-year-old is asleep when you have your family dinner.

On nights when I work later and don't get home until 6, DH and DS usually eat before I get home. Sometimes they'll join me at the table while I eat. At this age we just do our best to sit down together more often than not during the week.

[phrogger]

What time do your kids get up and Dh goes to work? What about a family breakfast instead of dinner?

[Drummer's Wife]

We don't eat until 7-8 (or later on weekends, the other night I realized it was 10:30 when we sat down). My older two kids get home from school at 4:30, and are hungry at that point -- but it's way too early for us to eat dinner, so they have a good size snack to tide them over.

We always eat as a family, so it's never been any kind of struggle. It helps that my kids like to eat! LOL. So, if food is served, they are there.

We stay up late, so I'm sure that makes a difference. I know there are kids who are sound asleep by the time I'm even starting to cook.

anyhow, that all said, I agree that you can make a different family ritual and eat breakfast all together (we don't, except on the weekends) or a snack, or however it works for your family.

[limabean]

I like to do a family dinner, but my DH is home by 4:30 and we're usually eating by 5:15. My kids couldn't wait until 7 to eat dinner. Even with a snack earlier to tide them over hunger-wise, that just wouldn't fit in with the rhythm of our day -- by 7, we've eaten, cleaned up, done homework, gotten jammies on, and are relaxing and doing a quiet activity like reading or puzzles together to wind down before bed. My kids are close to the same ages as yours, and I totally understand how hard it'd be to try to put dinner off until 7. I agree with the poster who mentioned that people are usually talking about school-age kids when they mention the family meal.

I think that if you're a thoughtful, engaged parent (which it sounds like you are), then the act of eating together isn't necessarily important because you'll have other times of closeness and interaction throughout the day, and that's what's important.