I can't do this ... tandem isn't working for us.

[EmmysMama]

I don't know what to do.

DD1 (19m) is crying and nursing more than my newborn.

I can't take it. I can't nurse her every time I sit/lie down (which is a lot, I have a 3rd degree tear here!), my breasts HURT. But I can't take the screaming and flailing that follow a no either. I am losing my mind. I feel horrible. DD2 is 6 days old and if we were alone it would be blissful. She is so content. She doesn't cry as long as she's comfortable and being held ... DD1 has always been a demanding screamer. I feel so bad comparing them but when she's clawing at me and the baby is sleeping in the Moby, the contrast is undeniable.

This is not a regression, BTW, she asked to nurse pretty much every time I sat down before, but then I could just not sit down! And tantruming in response to a "no" or "wait" or "let's read a book instead" isn't new either. I clearly should have set limits before, but when she tantrums ALL THE TIME no matter how I word it or what alternative I offer, it's hard. I don't know what I thought was going to happen.

I have no idea how to get her to accept limits on nursing. She is nightweaned but she did that mostly on her own. I can't deal with hours of screaming either, I'm still tired, and trying to take care of both of them with DH already back at work.

If she would nurse 2 or 3 times a day like other toddlers I read about, that would be fine. She has already asked to nurse 3 times in the past HOUR though.

There is nobody who can help or take her out, until DH gets home. He works from 6 am to 6 pm.

[Baby_Cakes]

No real advice but I couldn't read without responding and offering huge hugs. That sounds so tough. What about offering her a snack before she asks to nurse? Maybe before you sit down or lie down, give her a little something or a sippy cup with milk?

[crunchy_mommy]

Couple you get her really involved in something before you sit down? Maybe give her some "really important" tasks like line up all the diapers or move all the laundry from one basket to another (something that will make her think she's helping you but also distract her before you sit down).... I don't know, that's all I can come up with, many hugs to you!!! Hopefully your DH can at least give you a break when he gets home!

[GinnyMama]

Oh mama. I am SO there. (I say as I type at my desk with my almost 2-year-old on my boob, having just frantically tried to put the sleeping baby down because the older one asked for milk and I knew if I didn't give it to her THAT FREAKING SECOND, then she'd scream bloody murder, and then the baby would wake up, and then they would both be screaming at me, both needing milk, baby wanting to go to sleep, but can't because the older one is screaming, and then the baby would be crazy cranky over-tired, and not completely over his colic, so I'd spend until 2 in the morning trying to get him to stop crying.........)

Hugs to you. I HATE tandem nursing. It sucks.

[mlec]

Hugs to you. Life WILL get easier.

I'll share my experience, maybe it will help?

I had dd2 when dd1 was 33 months and STILL NURSING. I didn't want to kick off dd1 and so decided to tandem. It was not the right decision for me...terrible, got milk blisters, BAD thrush...persevered nursing through deeply lacerated nipples (from the thrush) and finally, eventually weaned dd1, although she probably did nurse once or twice after turning four.

I regret it TERRIBLY. When I had dd3, I had to fight panic if dd1 walked too close while I was nursing. I had some deep seated resentment (not at all fair to her, but it was there nonetheless) that has taken a LONG time to work through (she's 6.5 now). I still have issues with her being in my "territory" while I'm nursing. Poor little thing! It's clear now that I should have weaned her rather than tandem-nursed.

[disclaimer: not saying tandem is always negative...just was for me in these circumstances].

Here's the other situation: DD2 was 17 mos. when I became preggers w/ dd3. Being pregnant made me detest nursing (so sad!) and my nipples just couldn't take it. But my little one still wanted to suck. It was a hard time. I finally decided to start her on bottles (of rice milk since she is dairy-allergic) and she's 3.5 now and still takes a sippy cup in my arms in the rocking chair every nap and every night. I have let her nurse a few times recently when she expressed a desire (and her little sis found it quite fun to share her na-nas).
So the second time around I didn't tandem nurse b/c I figured out that it just wasn't ok with ME and that mattered. It mattered WAY more than I thought it did.

You do sound burnt out....maybe a special ba-ba time w/ mama will help your older dc stop being so demanding....and give your poor boobs a break!

[etsdtm99]

my DS is 20 months right now and i am newly pregnant, so this is a little different (i also nursed through my pregnancy with him and tandem nursed for 11 months) but he was (up until the past month or so) asking to nurse every 5 seconds because he doesn't know how to ask for anything else.. i've been really working with him on different snack and offering him every food under the sun when he is NOT asking to nurse.. i have finally found some 'snacks' he likes.. including some non-traditional things..like he looves to eat carrots in the morning.. anyway.. he wants to eat a bite here and there while he is running around.. so i have a bunch of foods and i sit on the couch and as he runs by i give him a bite, and now, he isn't asking to nurse except for bedtime and first thing in the morning. i also put something i want him to drink in 'my' cup and let him sneak sips.. getting him to eat more food has really improved his mood...

and, it will get better. you will feel better and be able to deal with this and she will get out of this phase..

[ariatrance]

(Disclaimer: I haven't tandem nursed and didn't have the option to think about.)

I wanted to offer you support because it is REALLY tough when bringing home a new baby. My children are 20 mos. and 1 day apart. The first 4 months were horrendous. Just to throw this idea out there:

maybe it isn't so much the actual need to nurse from your older but the need to be the baby still - because she is. It is a huge adjustment for such a young person to understand that she isn't the center of the world anymore - there is another who has to be taken care of. I found myself pushing my older son away because I thought I was horrible for not responding immediately to the newborn.

I learned, quickly, that somebody would have to wait and I tried to divide it up as evenly as I could. So one time, the newborn might have to cry a little bit longer while I changed my toddler's diaper, then hers. Or my toddler would have to wait until I was done nursing my baby before he got his meal/drink.

Were you thinking about/planning to wean your older daughter anytime soon regardless of having the new baby? If you weren't and had a good nursing relationship before (even if it was demanding), maybe try to readjust your focus. You have a brand new baby and have suddenly become a family of four - that takes time to adjust and figure out the new rhythm.

Is there anything you absolutely have to do besides sit around and nurse babies right now? Let laundry and dishes pile up a bit and that will give you some time to clear your mind and refocus what you want out of your nursing relationships.

As another thought that I gleaned from an LLL meeting: rotate your boobs based on the newborn (so give her the fuller boob at the next feeding) and if the toddler wants to nurse, she gets the "empty" boob. I can't remember exactly if this was to encourage weaning or simply to encourage only nursing for eating/true comfort and not just because the baby was nursing.

Good luck - you WILL find a solution!

[ktmeyer]

I'd say first to offer a brand new "big girl cup" to your older one, have it wrapped in gift paper and everything. Then give her something really yummy and nutritious in it, like kefir, or those prebottled smoothies, or something else special and yummy and filling. Tell her this is her new special cup, for special drinks that only big kids like her get. Heck, maybe it's wrong but i'd even throw in some stuff like, I bet the baby wishes she could have a cup like that! Then keep it next to you, where she can get it, and offer it too her, or let her carry it around. See if she needs physical filling up.

Secondly, if limiting how often you nurse her is hard, try limiting how long instead. Say you can nurse for one whole ABC song or something like that, and stick to it. That can help.

And honestly, just get through it for a bit, but then really work on the idea that tantrums are a bad thing. If you handle setting limits and stick to them the tantrums won't last, they really won't. She may tantrum once or twice, but then realize you mean it and respect the limits you set. I can understand needing to wait for a weekend when DH is around to do this though.