Christian Mamas - Should we get married NOW? **UPDATE POST 49** - Page 3

[lilyka]

money really shouldn't be an issue. you already have one child and want another and are already strapped for cash. a wedding party should be your last priority. its just a party and has nothing to do with actually being married.

and if your parents want a party they can pay for it.

you could easily have a really fun celebration for friends and family on a small budget.

here is an example of a nice wedding for under $500 (which is still a lot to me for a party):

dress and nice outift for dh, and something special for dd - no need to go formal. make it something you can use again. for you and dd a nice dress, for him khakis and a dress shirt and tie. nice but practical shoes. $150 $200. (this can come out of your monthly clothing budget or at least part of it can since these are clothes you will be able to wear again)

decorations: $25-$50. a few flowers or whatever. talk to friends. see what they have growing in their garden. maybe some balloons and tulle. we had a bunch of greenery. the huge potted plants were borrowed from my maid of honors, brothers girlfriends mother. The 6 garbage bags full of ivy was trimmed from my husbands moms friend. she was thrilled to have her obviously overgrown ivy trimmed and we used to create a very nice setting. votives and luminaries are a nice inexpensive way to set the mood. as are clear christmas lights. These are cheap and some stores might still have some on clearance.

serve wear and food: $50-$100 my friend had a nice sheet cake from the grocery store. it was lovely and sufficient. and provided paper plates and cups and disposable silver wear etc. friends and family (not everyone but close ones) were asked to bring a salad of some sort. they privided pop and punch. it was a church basement good time. tons of really good food. and no one was at all offended to bring a salad. I know I felt honored and was thrilled by the brides frugal idea. But then I love a good church pot luck.

rent and honorarium $200-$25 - $0 - your pastor would probably happily wave this for you in your effort to get amrried quickly. honorariums are noce but not neccesary. Some pastors won't even accept them from members or if they do put it in the church budget rather than pocketing it. if you can't afford it either just skip it or thank him graciously and offer to do something nice for him like babysit the kids, bring a meal, mow his lawn or clean the church ....there are lots of options for shoing your appreciation besides cash. if you need to rent a hall for something ask around. you can easily find a space around here for under $150. its pretty no frills but at the end of the day family and friends is where the parties at.

around here parks and community centers are free. I think they cc charge ont he weekend but its cleap. also back yards, if someone in your church has a nice house....DOn't be scared to ask for help. you are moving in obedience to God. people would love to help you with that.

when my kids got baptized I wanted them to have the beautiful clothes and the big party but had no money. God provided the clothes quite miraculously (my oldest dd fell in love with a $75 dress and I just could not justify that for a dress she would wear 2 or 3 times. a few weeks before the baptism we went in, they had one left, it was her size and it was under $10. perfect!!!!! it would have been suitable for a wedding even )

oh and if you want a dress i have one. I don't know what size you are but you are welcome to it. might need some alterations, updating etc. I was kinda chunky when I wore it so there is plenty of room to take it in. its simple enough to easily alter. it is formalish but not over the top, no train or froufrou......

[Soul-O]

Lilyka has great ideas. I also have a dress I'd be happy to pass along. I wore it four years ago for my Christian wedding, and it's a beautiful silk maternity gown from A Pea in the Pod. PM me if you are interested. I believe it's a size medium.

[BunnySlippers]

I think you should get married, but not because you think god is angry with you (im not religious..so take my advice with a grain of salt or two). If there is a god, god knows what is in your heart. If there is a god, god is not an angry venegful person(hopefully).

I think you should get married because it is what the two of you want to make your family feel complete.

From a financial point of view...perhaps now is not the time for a baby or to plan a party of any kind. If you can not make your mortgage payments, you seriously cannot afford a party (coming from someone who was really bad with money, been there done that, lost the t-shirt ).
If you don't want to get married without the frills, I suggest you wait until you can afford it.
If you are stressed out, that could be a reason your body does not think now is an optimal time to be preggo.

[smpayne]

No where in the Bible, that I can find, does it say that you must have a big fancy dress and throw some big shindig (30 people is big, when you are laid off). It does however say that you should be married if you are going to be living together.

Frankly, if your family was really set on you having a traditional wedding, they would have offered to pay for it by now. Schedule a date with your pastor, get a marriage license and let your parents know the date. If they want to be there, they will make the effort and be there.

Don't send out formal invitations, just phone those that mean the world to you and let them know what is happening. For those that live out of town, let them in on the situation and assure them that you don't expect them to make the trip, but it is enought to know thier thoughts are with you.

Don't offer to feed everyone. In fact let everyone know ahead of time, it will just be a simple ceremony (backyard, pastor's office, etc). Either have a potluck or just cake and punch. if your lucky, your parents and/or in-laws may even offer to take everyone out for dinner

Obviously, this is something that is a big issue to you and taking care of it will be one less thing to stress over and bring you some peace with yourself.

[kaleidoscopeeyes]

Ok, I didn't read all of the responses, so forgive me if I repeat anything here.

I also do not think God is vengeful and putting you through hardship as punishment. Hardship is a part of life and it makes us stronger as individuals and as families if we let it. This is just my opinion, take it with a grain of salt, but I think the angst you are feeling has more to do with your reluctance to trust God. You are afraid you have offended Him and you are focused on all the roadblocks ahead of you. What if you just said "We're getting married" and trusted that God would allow the rest to fall into place? Now that isn't to say that you will wake up tomorrow and the wedding you dreamed of will be at your door. You may have to alter your expectations or level of humility, you will certainly have to put some work in. It may not be "perfect" but it will be yours.

Now onto the practical stuff. Have you checked Craigslist or Ebay for dresses? I have friends who have gotten beautiful used dresses from both places, cheap! And who says it has to be a frilly white number, find something that makes you feel beautiful on your special day. I mean if you really want to talk "traditional" most women just wore their best dress to be married in, regardless of color, well into the last century. I'm sure the ladies here have/will give some great suggestions otherwise.

If you really want to get married, if you think that is the right thing to do, then you can do it. Really put your trust in God and it will happen. That sounds so simple in type, but I know how hard it is in practice. I pray that it all comes together swiftly for you.

Oh and....Congratulations!

[Proxi]

I didn't read through all the posts, but I would suggest heading to offbeat bride... just google it and you will get a ton of ideas. I mean, you could always have a small ceremony and then do a potluck with your family after, or a picnic or something sweet and small like that. I have seen some beautiful weddings for under $500 bucks... you could beat them and do one for under $100 bucks!


Plus, my husband and I were living together for a few years before we got married, and I felt uber guilty about it, but God never "punished" us in any sense. In fact, we were doing better financially then than we are now.

So I do think you should get married as soon as you can have your family there with you BUT I wouldn't worry about God punishing you. He loves you, He wants you to do what is right, but you already know what is right... He has no need to open your eyes for you.

[MCsMom]

I would get married ASAP, as in as soon as legally possible and I had money for the fees even if we had to eat rice and beans.

[MissinNYC]

Originally Posted by MCsMom

I would get married ASAP, as in as soon as legally possible and I had money for the fees even if we had to eat rice and beans.

Look, if you want a Biblical answer from a christian, then the answer is that sex before marriage is wrong. Period, end of story. And in our society, getting married is going to a church or a JOP and getting a license and saying vows in public. This should cost barely anything. Even the party can be cheap- have a potluck!

No one can know if the conception issues have anything to do with it. Maybe yes, maybe no. Who can know the mind of God? But obedience is always right and disobedience is always sinful. We cannot decide what feels like a sin, we must go along with the revealed will of God in the Bible.

Good luck and God bless you!

[just_lily]

I just realized I never came back and updated this.

We are getting married, in the church, at the end of June.

We met with our Pastor and he never brought up anything about abstaining, or DF moving out, or anything of the sort that has been suggested in this thread. He said that it is very apparent to him that God is working in our lives and that is enough for him. He supports us 100%. Yay!

DF also got a new job that he started at the beginning of February. He is working from home and making a bit more than he was previous. He also likes it way better than his old job. God is so good to us!

And I also want to revisit the subject of wedding costs here. As much as I would love to have a wedding under $500 (believe me!) it just isn't going to happen. So far our fixed costs are:

$150 - marriage license and registration. No wiggle room here.

$370 - church rental. The actual fee for rental of the sanctuary is pretty cheap, $150. But we also have to pay an hourly rate for the janitor and the tech staff. It is passed along to the people doing the work so it is not an option. The church secretary said that the fee is actually one of the cheapest she has seen, since we are having such a simple wedding.

$200 (ish) - honorarium for the Pastor. I don't feel comfortable skipping this.

$232 - pre-marital counseling through the church. Counseling is mandatory, but we don't *have* to go through the church to do it. But I can't imagine it would be cheaper anywhere else, and we are more comfortable just completing it in the church anyways.

So we are at nearly $1000 and we haven't paid for invitations, rings, clothing, food, decor, etc. We are still doing things on the cheap and just having a reception at our home, but I am still expecting our "cheap" wedding to cost nearly $5000 when it is all said and done. DF's parents will be giving us $2000 towards the wedding as our gift, and I am hoping my family will contribute some as well. But ack - I am trying not to have a heart attack over the costs!!

[sioleabha]

Wow, I can't believe how much just the cost of the church services will be. Our church had a philosophy that things like marriages and funerals were part of the church's duty, and not services that members should pay for. I think we paid a small fee for the actual use of the church (less than $200, just for having the lights and a/c on -- we were expected to clean up after ourselves). We did not pay the pastor (he insisted) or for counseling (again, he insisted). The cost of a marriage license in our county is only $71 (but I think it may have been lower when we married in 2002). So a total of like $250.

[zoebird]

i think that if you feel it would be best to be married right away (for spiritual reasons, to be right with God, etc), then you should have a wedding in the quaker style.

it is simple. you set a time for the community to come together (30 of your friends/family), and you bring the pastor (technically, quakers don't have them, so that's not an issue, btu you do, so invite that person). then, you party afterwards pot-luck style.

seriously, it makes for a great wedding, and it's very low cost!

[zoebird]

oh, and congrats on your DH's job and the wedding to come.

if you can do it all in your home, you will save $ on the church at least. and, if people pot-luck, then you save on the reception. you don't need clothes or rings really--you can wear the best you have already, yk?

[Grace and Granola]

I just found this thread, but I wanted to say CONGRATS! It's wonderful to see how God is working in your lives and that YOU are responding to His leading.

[Smithie]

Congratulations, OP!

I just wanted to clear this up:

"IMO Old Testament is typically not what is done today (unless you are Jewish or such)."

We Jews do NOT marry in the "Old Testament" manner. Not even Orthodox Jews. Where do you think we would get all those goats? And why would the bridegroom want them?

The only major difference between Jewish and Christian marriage that I'm aware of is that Orthodox Jews can convene a religious divorce court, and their equivalents in Christianity (fundamentalists) sometimes do not allow divorce. But most Jews and most Christians that I've ever met accept a state-issued divorce as binding, and don't accept a marriage unless it is accompanied by a state-issued marriage certificate.

[lilyka]

That is really an obscene amount for a church wedding in a church you are a member of!!!! Wow. In our church sacrements are free. as well as any counceling, classes or steps you muct take before recieveing. and use of the basement for partying purposes afterwards. for members anyway. I am not sure how they handle it for people who walk in and want a wedding even if they have never gone to church there. but i think it would still be free. (we are the only parish for roughly 200 miles radius and many people who are part of our faith don't come to church because of language/cultural barriers or just plain distance but still need the services of a priest/church from time to time. if they were not part of our faith there would be no amount of money large enough)

congrats on getting married though. I am glad things are moving forward.

[Tradd]

In my church (and I belong to the same one as Lilyka - just not same parish!), it really depends on the individual parish.

In my parish if you're a member, there would be no charge for using the church nor the premarital counseling, although I wouldn't be surprised if you had to buy a few books (so maybe $40). Most people would give our priest something for officiating at the wedding, although I've no clue what that amount would be.

Most people also give the choir director something. It's a different situation with our director and choir - the director is unpaid, so totally voluntary position. You'll have anywhere from 6-10 choir members sing (entire acapella, so no organist or such to pay), again totally volunteer effort. Two hours time on the day of the wedding (one hour ceremony, plus we get there one hour early to rehearse). There's also another one-two hours of other choir practice time. The money the choir receives for doing a wedding will go towards replacing/buying music books and such as needed.

My parish is smaller (150 people) and maybe only has 1-2 weddings a year.

ETA: OP, I know you're not thrilled with what your congregation is charging you, but there can be good reasons behind this. Some congregations have found that they need to have someone on hand besides the pastor (such as the janitor) because, unfortunately, some wedding parties/guests make a mess, don't pick up after themselves (even in dressing rooms), and it has to be cleaned up.

I'm not sure what you mean by the "tech" you also have to pay for (perhaps for the lighting/sound system?), but some churches have gotten rather wired and rather than trusting someone who doesn't know what they're doing with expensive, sensitive equipment, it makes sense for the church to have the regular tech on hand.

[Purple*Lotus]

Originally Posted by just_lily

$232 - pre-marital counseling through the church. Counseling is mandatory, but we don't *have* to go through the church to do it. But I can't imagine it would be cheaper anywhere else, and we are more comfortable just completing it in the church anyways.

I am shocked that you have to pay for pre marital counseling. That seems absurd to me. I have never known anyone who had to pay for it through their church before.

The actual church rental is really cheap. My church charges $4000 for non members to marry there. I am not sure how much it is for members, as my doomed wedding was at a park by the Pastor.

I think my MIL gave the Pastor $200 as well.
I just can't get over them charging you for the counseling sessions

[just_lily]

Things just cost money. I get that. I am not upset about the costs of things, it just all adds up, and that kind of sucks. I don't think any of the prices are unreasonable.

Like I said that cost for the actual church rental is only $150. But on top of that we need to pay for the janitorial staff and the sound/light tech people. A janitor needs to be in the building while we are there - it is a rule that they have, and is probably an insurance thing too. We also use pew chairs in the sanctuary instead of wooden pews, and they will need to be moved to create a centre aisle, and then back again for the service Sunday morning. Someone needs to do this, and that person needs to be paid. The church is also pretty well wired when it comes to sounds and lights (it is an evangelical church with a worship band, instead of just an organ kind of place) and only the technical staff are allowed to use the equipment. Also understandable, and these people also need to be paid. The cost for the janitors is $20 an hour, and the tech staff is $40 an hour, for both rehersal and the ceremony.

The fee for counselling includes all materials. I don't have all of the details yet but I know we are using a set program. We have to go online and complete questionnaires beforehand. Three couples are getting married this summer so we are completing the program all together over a weekend, so the fee also includes meals. It is not like the Pastor is charging us to just chat with him in his office or anything like that.

So things cost money. I am ok with that, and it is all budgeted. I don't feel like anyone is profiting off of our wedding or anything like that. We live in a high COL area and it is just the way things are. C'est la vie.

[zoebird]

no no no, that wasn't my point. it's all good to pay those fees to those people. my sister was married in her own catholic parish and paid for similar people to be there. i think it was $350. now, this is a "suggested donation"--and people get paid from it--and then they also recommend a "gift" for the alter servers. she found out from the priest that $10-25 ITunes gift cards were common for this.

but, i'm about saving money where one can.

so, if you would be happy to be married at home with the pastor there, then save that money and do it there.

i really wanted a pot-luck wedding where i would have provided cake and beverages, but family on both sides said "no no no" and that it was "tacky." well, it's common for quakers, so they didn't know what to do with us. LOL

ah well. we had a good time.

and when it comes to weddings, that's what matters.

[Shellie]

Dh and I were married by a JOP. We didn't have money for a wedding. The point of getting married is to be together, not to have a big party (I should not say this as I'm a wedding photographer LOL). If you really do want to be married and not simply co-parenting/co-habitating, then get married on the cheap...JOP or small chapel ceremony. Where I live, you can have a small chapel ceremony for $100. Dh and I did this as a vow renewal last year but the venue does 95% weddings. We spent around $450, which we'd saved up by setting aside $100/mo for several months and that included me making florals, my dress, a ton of food (Olive Garden catering menu) and the cake (I bartered that one).

So get married--either have a JOP ceremony with an inexpensive party, or save the party till later.