DD's control issues - Page 2

[Kailey's mom]

Originally Posted by craft_media_hero

Kailey's Mom, you are right; she's totally like a sponge or emotional antenna---she gets very off-kilter if anyone else is on edge or conflicted.

I am so glad you replied as an adult who felt similar to my dd as a child. Can I ask if you ever were formally "diagnosed" or went through counseling or anything and what your take is on that? Do you feel like it would've further isolated you or made you feel singled out more to have an adult/adults talking about how you were different?

I was very sensitive/mature/gifted as a child, and never was in counseling, but was in gifted programs at school. I remember liking the classes but yeah feeling a little more isolated from the majority because I was just way ahead of the main class all of the time. We homeschool for now, so the gifted thing isn't as obvious to her. But I think if we were going to therapy or smth she might feel even more anxious about being different?

I appreciate your perspective from the grown-up side. If you were my kid, is there anything else you could tell me to help little kid you?

I am trying to be very understanding of her. I really, really want us to have a good relationship forever! I don't want her to lose trust in me or feel overwhelmed that I'm not responding how she needs me to.

yes, I'm diagnosed. I don't know if going to counseling would help your dd to be honest. If you find someone awesome who doesn't try to change who she is, but gently work with her to cope in a more healthy manner than it would benefit her.. but if the counselor insists she needs to change, she needs to be different.. than IMO it could be damaging. Maybe interview a few?
I had absolutily no diagnoses until I was 14 yrs old. As a child, I wouldn't have been shocked if I had a diagnosis, I knew i was different.
I am SO happy that you are homeschooling her

When I was a child, and I would get on a "oh no, we're broke" episode.. my mom would assure me that she had lump sum of money in a savings account, and not to worry. She made it a point NEVER to do the bills in my presence, or leave her checkbook laying around. It wasn't until I was an adult, when I found out there was NEVER a lump sum I'm not mad my mom lied, because it was to protect me from worrying *more than she was* Saying things like "it's none of your business, or you don't have to worry about this" would have made me worry more. So, in my case, I don't think lying was a bad thing. It's the only thing that would have worked, and did

Addressing the anxiety is HUGE!!! if you can find a way to help your dd not feel so much anxiety, wow! there are numerous approaches to this, so whatever works..do it.

The bad news is that your not going to be able to make "her perfect world" happen. My guess it that every change, you are going to face some upset from your dd. Whenever anyone in the family feels anything other than happy.. there may be an issue. If the routine changes, your dd may not feel comfortable.. I wish I knew how to make that part easy. Telling your dd that it will be okay, and lots of hugs like you are already doing is the best. Hugs!

[aran]

My DS1 is very similar. DH is the same way... and both were born that way and both have siblings that are extremely happy-go-lucky, so to the PP who wants to blame it on parenting or environment or whatever...

For instance, DS1's nanny once locked the keys in our car, when she had the kids at the library. We had it taken care of quickly and without drama or incident, but for the next six months, DS1 checked to make sure the driver had the keys *every single time* we parked the car.

For our part, we suspect DS1 of being gifted, and he is highly sensitive, and has anxiety issues as well. To date, we have used the anxiety book a PP recommended to work through some of his issues rather than going to counseling. He flips out about change as well - in areas where he is not qualified to make decisions (e.g., decisions about furniture, vehicles). What helps us is (as a PP said) giving lots of advance warning before changes, explaining the reasons for them clearly and logically, and then empathizing with the pain felt by DS1. I allow him to feel sad and grieve changes, and listen to his sadness, but I just say "it is so hard sometimes, isn't it? it will be OK though." He is happiest when he sees that I am completely steadfast and unwavering through his show of emotion (a.k.a. tantrum)... I think because then he knows I am serious about the decision and he can relax because he has no control over the decision. Once he works through the emotions, things are fine. FWIW, DH was just like this and he is a fabulous, fabulous superman of a son, father, worker, and husband - in some ways because of this trait.