Need support/help being happy for family

[sunflower.mama]

Isn't this sad? I am embarassed to post this, but I could use some help. Just found out that BIL and SIL are buying a 1.2 mill home as an upgrade. Last year they bought a $750K summer house. I could go on but won't. BIL has done very well for himself and of course I don't begrudge him at all. SIL stays home with their three, as I do with our 2+. But while they are enjoying such complete financial comfort, we are struggling on one income. Yes we own our home, cars are paid off, etc. We have plenty of future earning potential, as we're both attorneys. But presently DH works for the state and I am at home. And we are so far removed from where they are...and probably always will be. I am having uncomfortable feelings - maybe jealousy but it seems more complicated than that. I am so grateful for so much in my life, and I just want to rise above these feelings and FEEL that graditude instead of getting bogged down in petty feelings. I'd welcome any advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

[mamarhu]

Much the same situation here.

My brother and his wife just paid cash for $200,000 remodel of their million $ home. Their kids go to the best private schools. They travel internationally several times a year. His kids, 12 & 9, speak fluent Spanish. Bro just started Law School, recreationally I believe. He has an on-call position with the state coroner's office, a home business doing insurance & financial planning for small city governments, a firefighter's retirement, and SIL manages a couple big commercial websites from home. He and SIL are still madly in love, going on 20 years?

I, on the other hand, am a single mom, one teen at home with special needs, plus one more teen, one grown kid having a hard time keeping custody of his 2 babies (I may end up raising my grandchildren). I am in the process of adopting my 2 very high needs foster kids; I have been seriously looking for a job for over a year and a half, with no success. I am behind on my bills, with little reason to be optimistic about the near future, especially if I don't get a job someday. I am over 50, with little traditional job experience - long story: SAHM, home businesses, lived on a sailboat for years, generally a flaky hippie history. But that variety of experiences is exactly what has made me who I am, and I wouldn't change a thing.

Our mother is 90 YO and at the end of her life. She lives in my town, so I am the one with the daily visits, monthly hospital runs, and generally the stress. I wouldn't have it any other way - I am totally loving my time with Mom, but that doesn't mean it is easy.

I don't want my bro's life. But sometimes (today in particular!) I wish mine could be easier. If the financial pressure was off, all the rest would be manageable. At least it looks that way from here.

Sorry - I didn't really mean to hijack the thread. But, yes, I totally understand the feelings, and the guilt over feeling them

[goldingoddess]

Money does not bring happiness, and by being jealous you are just wasting your energy.

You own a home, two cars and have a husband with a great job and you have a law degree.

Maybe instead of focusing on your brother's situation you could read up on poverty in America, or better, take a look at what the average life is like in Mexico or China or India. It is all about perspective.

[mamarhu]

Originally Posted by goldingoddess

Money does not bring happiness, and by being jealous you are just wasting your energy.

You own a home, two cars and have a husband with a great job and you have a law degree.

Maybe instead of focusing on your brother's situation you could read up on poverty in America, or better, take a look at what the average life is like in Mexico or China or India. It is all about perspective.

Isn't that a bit like telling children to eat their veggies; "Think of the starving children in Africa - they would appreciate that broccoli". I am a social worker; if I had my preference of jobs, I would be working with homeless women and children. I have lived in several developing countries, and do have that perspective. I live it every day with my soon to be adopted children, who bear the scars of unspeakable abuse and neglect.

I think it is totally OK to have the occasional pity party - even Mother Teresa said she sometimes felt tired and overwhelmed.

[justmama]

that's hard. i feel that way too a lot in regards to people who are debt-free and own a home and have a nice car and a computer and don't struggle to keep the lights on and a roof over their heads. it's really hard not to feel jealousy. BUT I find that when i get that feeling, if I make a list of the things I am grateful for, I do better. I will sit down and literally write on a piece of paper the things in my life that COULD be worse. Food in our bellies, lights on, car that runs, cute hair today , everyone is currently healthy, coffee is tasting FABULOUS right now, etc. Makes you feel really really good. If you keep the list in plain sight, you can add to it from time to time and as it mounts up and you go to the next sheet and the next, you will feel really really blessed.

[mtm]

I'm happy for my sis for doing so well financially and know I wouldn't want her job that enables her lifestyle but a week in Hawaii..., well that I'm jealous of. I think its okay to be jealous especially if its an occasional thing.

[sunflower.mama]

Originally Posted by justmama

If you keep the list in plain sight, you can add to it from time to time and as it mounts up and you go to the next sheet and the next, you will feel really really blessed.

Thanks - this is the sort of thing I was looking for.

Def. not feeling proud of my feelings, and I've traveled in India and Africa, so I know I am blessed. Just sometimes need reminders of it. Thanks for that too.

[Ygle]

I sometimes find myself jealous of the waste... I mean I feel if my family was as 'fortunate' we would make much better use of such things. Like recently a family member gifted another with $3000... because they are so much less fortunate... however, they spent it on a paint job for their car, we would have used it to provide a special medical treatment for our child that we are trying to save up for (and yet keep getting hit by other medical expenses). That's the sort of thing I struggle with. I know wealthy families who never spend time together... I think, what's the point? It doesn't seem fair. There's just no getting around this honestly... you just have to worry about yourself and not try to compare situations. I've found often enough that in many scenarios where I think someone is so blessed and not at all appreciative of their situation that things aren't all as they seem. They are seeking happiness in their own way and in some cases it's all in the focus... you can have the greatest life and it seems like hell if you dare to compare and what others are presenting to you may just be how they would like to see it, their own way of showing others, see my life is good, when it may very well be just as hard as ours, but we can't see that.

So I guess that's my own solution... don't compare your own situation to anyone else's... I can guarantee you will always come up short and that will never feel good. Take each person's circumstances, including your own, on it's own... your bil had a nice house, now they have a nicer house, how wonderful for them! Don't look at it any more than that... I find it helps me with empathizing with others as well (like in reading that story here I saw about the mom making a six figure income, yet somehow she never managed to pay off her 120,000 home... it's easy to feel judgmental about that, but if I focus solely on the fact that she had it all and now she has nothing it's hard not to have my heart go out to her)... do not relate your bil's experience to your own... it will look different because it is different... they are two entirely separate entities.

I don't know if what I am saying is any help here really. The truth is I don't think you can immerse yourself in this chain of thought and not feel terrible... I know we would all want to be able to do that and yet still manage to feel truly happy for others, but just in talking with people who are sincerely happy and have none of these awful feelings in every case I find it really is as simple is they don't compare themselves, they just don't. When I feel those rumblings stirring within myself, I just smile at my children, I take a hot shower, I put on my coziest clothes, I treat myself to a cup of tea with a friend... in other words I turn my thoughts entirely to myself and my experience in the moment, the realities of my world and not the imaginations and what ifs... sure, it's good to have hopes, dreams, goals, wishes, but they have to be my own and my visions need to be my path, not trying to put myself into someone else's world, that never leads to happiness.

I guess I just really want to emphasize that the solution isn't to be a better person... it isn't because you are a bad person that you have these feelings -they are normal, logical and even healthy, because it is our sense of justice coming through along with our motivation for self improvement... it is because we are inherently good that when we see better we want that for ourselves and our families as well as having that sense of wrongness that not everyone is so blessed. It's our brain wiring that sees one winner and a thousand losers... so it's almost impossible to feel glory for another's winnings without feeling the pain of our own loss -unless we recognize that none of us are playing the same game. It really is just about *thinking* differently that will help to resolve the feelings almost effortlessly.

[ArtsyMomma]

sunflower_mama, it's ok to be a bit envious. I think that helps motivate us to do better. I'm a single mama (3 kids under 7, with one more on the way). I find myself very envious of my friends with their husbands and white picket fences, while I'm still living in an apartment wondering how I'm going to pay the OB bill due soon. I think it helps to try and focus on the positives. We live in a small space, so my kids and I are really close, we are creative and function as a team. I'm teaching my kids great lessons about conserving our resources, environmental and financial.

[FillingMyQuiver]

I totally agree w/ the pp that it's okay to have a pity party every once and a while, as long as you recognize the blessings and goodness that are a part of YOUR life.

I think it's also important to recognize that you may not know the whole picture. You only know what they let the outside world know.

I will give 2 instances where what the outside world sees isn't what's "real".

We have a relative who 10yrs ago, their life seemed PERFECT. She and her husband seemed madly in love w/ each other. They owned a beautiful house, he had a GREAT job that earned him LOTS of $$. They had 3 children all in their teens by this time, she was a SAHM, PT WOHM. They traveled A LOT, cruises, Bahamas, Aruba, etc. They owned (not financed, owned outright) 2 luxury vehicles AND a vintage car that her husband was fixing up. Their life as a family seemed almost perfect.

And then, 4 yrs ago, they split up. It was all a facade. One day she told him she didn't love him and had felt that way for a while. It came as a pretty big shock to him. No one knew anything was wrong. Not even their siblings, not even her own sister whom she confided EVERYTHING to. They went through a pretty messy divorce, too.

Case 2: My ILs seem to have the life. My FIL is a partner in a successful landscaping business. They own a beautiful home with a pool and hot tub. They rent a home every winter in upstate NY just to go snowmobiling on the weekends. They own 3 snowmobiles for them and their teenage son. They have every new technology available and run out to get the newest, greatest thing when it comes out. BUT, they are debted out to wazoo. Everything they "own" they finance or put on a cc. They seem to have the life, but I wouldn't want theirs. They are always stressed about finances, when the landscaping slows down, they get worried about where the next paycheck is coming from. They float bills all over the place and rob Peter to pay Paul. But from the outside, they seem to have it all. You would only know this stuff if you were really *in* their lives.

I like what justmama said. Make a list of the blessings you have, you may surprise yourself.

[umarider]

We all have our moments of envy. It can help to put our lives/goals in perspective so long as you don't wallow in the envy.

To snap myself out of a cycle of envy I do one or more of the following:

- Review my progress in my Freedom Acct. It used to be I didn't save in advance for expenses, but robbed Peter to pay Paul when something like a car repair came up. Looking at the Freedom Acct not only lets me know that I have the ability to meet basic periodic expenses, but also reminds me that I can make changes that improve my life. (less $ panic and guilt)

- Look at my children sleeping soundly in their cozy beds. Then I crawl into my own cozy, warm bed. I have a theory that many of the world's problems could be solved if everyone had a cozy, secure place to sleep! (and a full tummy)

- Watch a movie like "Mr. Holland's Opus". Main character thinks that his life/career have amounted to nothing, but is proven wrong. Very feel-good kind of movie. Alternately, I watch a movie like "Steel Magnolias" which always makes me cry... very cathartic.

[goldingoddess]

Originally Posted by goldingoddess

Money does not bring happiness, and by being jealous you are just wasting your energy.

You own a home, two cars and have a husband with a great job and you have a law degree.

Maybe instead of focusing on your brother's situation you could read up on poverty in America, or better, take a look at what the average life is like in Mexico or China or India. It is all about perspective.

Sorry I was so harsh. I was just being snarky because of my own jealousy for you owning a house and two cars. Jealousy is a B*&$h huh.

[Poddi]

I just want to recommend two books I just read. "Material World" and "Women in the Material World".
http://www.amazon.com/Material-World...3375211&sr=8-1
http://www.amazon.com/Women-Material...tt_at_ep_dpi_4

They're really eye openers, even for me (who grew up in a 3rd world country). It's not just about money or possessions as well. I was surprised to read that most women wished they had more education and hope their children have more opportunities. You have so many things (like your law degree) many people can't dream to have. Cheer up and feel rich.

Oh here's a link for a funny page that should cheer you up as well. Honestly I think all of us here typing away in front of a computer are quite blessed.
http://users.gazinter.net/melan/Warn/Warnenu.htm

[wildmonkeys]

OP your first post said you "just found out" --- I think that is key. If you thought their old house was great which at 750,000, I am assuming you did...it might be the initial reaction. Don't be too hard on yourself - I think we be grateful for what we do have while feeling pangs of desire for things other people have...human nature.

I am sure the world is full of people with better houses, cars, careers, etc. than everyone on this thread who would do just about anything for a child. You know?

[Usually Curious]

My brother is/was very well off. He has/had a very successful homebuilding business. He built $2-5 mil homes in FL. He's been a very hard worker all his life and definitely earned every penny he's ever made and I was never really jealous, just a little envious of a few things.

Well, since the real estate crash (and fyi, insurance is probably next) he's not built a house in two years. His commercial real estate (which he built to fund his retirement) is mostly empty and his wonderful, beautiful, precious 22 yo dd is in the hospital on her deathbed. His fortunes turned very quickly.

Financial success is fleeting. You'll work it out, but I've found it sometimes takes me a few days to 're center' myself when someone I know seems to have so much more than I.

[zoebird]

i saw the material world exhibit at the chicago air port. it was AMAZING. i was really moved by it.

i learned so much, and i have chosen to live in some very non-american ways because of the inspiration!

i haven't read the second, but it is amazing!

[honeybunmom]

I can certainly understand the feeling. My best friend's husband now earns 40K a month before taxes. And she earns 6 figures herself.

And my SIL's sister is married to a trust fund baby.

But, I look at it like this - I've got some great vacation options! I'm finally going to join the family on the annual beach trip my SIL's sister pays for. Now that I understand she puts EVERYONE up, and it's not just a special favor for my family.

Fortunately, those close to me that are doing better than us are very generous. So, I try to focus on and appreciate that. And share with those that look at my family in the same light. That has really helped me out recently.

[sunflower.mama]

Thanks everyone for the support. Even the "snarky" one made a valid point I will check out the Material World books and try to move on. I think it's hard when people have different approaches to $ etc. I feel like I'd travel and save if we had more. These folks spend it. ($750 house is their summer house which they still have, they recently "returned" a 1 year old leased car to get a minivan and "ate" the 10K they still owed, and, worst of all to me - they don't recycle - not even cans. There I said it.)
I haven't really thought about it today so I appear to be moving on. But I would love to "cure" myself of these bouts of jealousy since they are SO unproductive.

I just have to repeat how nice it was to have the support in this thread. Of course I have to be SO HAPPY for them IRL so it was nice to vent a little

[sweetjasmine]

I so understand OP! I get bouts like that, too. My brother lives in another state and has a large, nice house and he and my sil love having dinner parties and bbq's, vacationing in the Bahamas, taking their kids to Disney World, etc. I have always envied him (not begrudgingly) but was happy for him, nonetheless.

I just found out since last year that: 1. they've had a rocky marriage for years and last year went to marriage counseling, 2. they bought the house on an Option ARM a few years ago and it is now resetting to twice their monthly mortgage, 3. they just filed for bankruptcy. I hope they can keep their house and get something worked out.