I get annoyed when parents make excuses for their kid's behavior... - Page 2

[Super_mommy]

Sometimes I get annoyed too when I see such parents.. Before teaching children I think we must teach parents..

[JennTheMomma]

At 5 mom needs to start talking to child and tell him/her that that is not ok to do. No more excuses, 5 year olds should start to understand, unless they do have development/mental problems. Hunter is 2.5 years old and we let him know that it's not ok to shove, push, hit, kick, etc.

[tbone_kneegrabber]

playing devil's advocate for the situation in the op's post....since the parents' were interested in you watching their child when they needed childcare, could they have not said anything because they wanted *you* to discipline her so that they could make a decision about whether or not to leave their child in your care?

I know when we went on the "playdate" at ds's school I did not stop him from doing things specifically because I wanted to see how the teachers handled the situation. I wanted to witness the process first hand, not just have them tell me what they do, ya know.

[rainyday]

Originally Posted by tbone_kneegrabber

playing devil's advocate for the situation in the op's post....since the parents' were interested in you watching their child when they needed childcare, could they have not said anything because they wanted *you* to discipline her so that they could make a decision about whether or not to leave their child in your care?

I know when we went on the "playdate" at ds's school I did not stop him from doing things specifically because I wanted to see how the teachers handled the situation. I wanted to witness the process first hand, not just have them tell me what they do, ya know.

I can kind of see that, but I still think that if you bring your child into someone's home, while you are there, you're responsible, especially if the childcare provider in this case hasn't accepted your child yet. Plus making excuses for her child sounds like the mom realized it wasn't acceptable behavior, but she wasn't willing to do anything about it.

I agree 100% with you, OP. Don't make excuses for your child's behavior without doing something about it. It's a whole different story if you say "sorry about his behavior; he's really overtired" to apologize after you've addressed the behavior with the child. Repeatedly excusing it without addressing it with the child says to me that the mom has given up on being the parent.

[just_lily]

I think when you are a childcare provider, people expect you to handle issues with their kid, even when they are there. Even when they haven't been accepted into your care.

I invited all of my daycare families to my DD's first birthday. The behaviour of two of the kids was just awful, but neither of their moms did anything. It was like they expected me to manage their kids even though they were in my home on a social occasion (on the weekend) and I was being host to over 20 people. One kid was jumping on my couch (a behaviour that she knows isn't allowed in my house) and her mom didn't do anything and just stood there. I asked her to sit on her bum, she looked at her mom who didn't say anything, and then kept going. And then her mom looked to ME to handle it. By not saying anything to her child, she was essentially giving her permission to continue.

As a daycare provider, I don't feel like it is my place to be disciplining a child when their parent is standing right there.

A number of other guests commented to me afterwards about how they couldn't believe how poorly behaved two kids (from two different families) were. It was bad enough that I am seriously reconsidering inviting any of the daycare kids to any future parties.

[Pepper44]

No matter how old my DC is, if she did something that was rude or hurtful I would apologize! Even if she's over tired or hungry and bouncing off the walls, I would think most attentive parents would apologize, try to calm the child down (or leave) as well as letting everyone know what was wrong...

Maybe the parents of the child in the OP are just so used to having her at school, in after school care, etc., that they don't know what to do. I don't know. Either way, I would have asked them to leave also because it seems like the child (and her parents) would cause way too much stress to deal with.

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by One_Girl

She should have said something about to the child when she pushed the younger kid, but the rest of that stuff may be acceptable at their home.

But the child wasn't in "her" home at the time. I always try to teach my kids how to be appropriate while in someone else's home by a certain age. I usually start around age 3. Any younger and they aren't going to listen. But yeah, my 7.5 has always been wild to say the least and she still is. It's not uncommon for her to jump on furniture for fun or her bed even and she's allowed to do it at home, but she knows better than to do it in another person's home.

[Happeesupermom]

My sister is the same way with her children. Her daughter (10) does not usually have a behavior problem... but her son (7) is such a terror! He has serious anger issues which my sister refuses to acknowledge or deal with, and has been suspended from school (repeating 1st grade) for violence toward other kids (he was choking another boy!). He's already been labeled as a problem child, which is sad... but imho, it's mostly because she does nothing to correct the bad behavior!

I will not allow him to be around my 13-month old alone, for fear of what he might do to him because he gets VERY angry & frustrated when the baby cries! He jumps on couches and furniture... and even on the cars in the driveway outside! He hits people and throws things when he's angry.

My sister does nothing about any of this. BUT I DO! When he's over at my house and is destructive, I tell him, "This is my house and I don't like it when you break my things! You must respect things that belong to other people." If he hits another child (mine or anyone's), I say something like, "That's not nice! You're not allowed to hit anyone here. Go sit in that chair for a while until you can calm yourself down."

Of course, my sis doesn't like for me to say anything to her kids... but I do if they're in MY house or my mother's house. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to bring them over... but I will not allow them to come over and hurt my children or destroy my property!

[momo7]

Originally Posted by LROM

Not only do they choose not to see their children's problematic behavior, they also choose to IGNORE that it's verrrrry obvious where the child learned that behavior! If I'd been in that conference I'd have looked right at the dad and said "Did it ever occur to you that the way you just blew up might be where she learned that it's ok to blow up on people who are trying to help you?"

I had a very similar middle school parent/teacher conference with the child b/c he'd gotten suspended for being violent. I asked him what he thought was behind his repeated outbursts and he said (much to his credit) "I dunno... I guess I'm just angry..." and his mom cut him off, went ballistic and just started shouting "ANGRY? ANGRY?? Where do YOU get off being angry? What are YOU angry about???" We all just looked at her stunned for a second, and then I said "Actually, its' really good that you [child] are able to say how you feel about all this. And mom... is it possible that he's learning some of those reactions from you?" At first she continued to be pissed, but it ended up being a really good mtg and it seemed like especially the child (but also the mom) left feeling like it was the first time they'd really been heard in a mtg like that and they committed to working on some behavior changes - BOTH of them.

That is just amazing. Really amazing. the whole time I was growing up and in all my school years no one ever bothered to ask me my side of things...and if I volunteered any information I was immediately silenced as if I had no right to feel the way I did about anything. I want to say Thank You on behalf of that
student because for maybe just once he had an advocate.

I think situations like the OP has mentioned are in some ways the ONLY way that mainstream people get to view GD. Really, so they see this totally out of control behavior and think that GD is all about letting children run wild, doing whatever they want or feel like doing. For the longest time that is what I thought of it as, and I know now that I use it for my own family, when ever I say "Gentle Discipline" people roll their eyes and and think images of what you witnessed.

Trying to explain that isn't it at all is more like trying to explain something to a brick wall. People just see what they want to see. I guess both good and bad examples speak volumes. Someone told me I would go to hell if I didn't spank my children because it was un-Christian not too.

[lilyka]

the childs behavior was not acceptable but whatever. it is the excuses and lack of action that woulod bug me. Ok fine, maybe she was overwhelmed or excited to be in a new place. ok fine. apologize. Maybe she was hungry. get her off the counter and apologize. Everyoine hand.les discipline differently but for petes sake, don't just shrug your shoulders and make an excuse. God get your child. take carre of them. Apologize that you let them get over excited/hungry/whatever if that is actually why they did those things.

My kids do stupid stuff all the time. I never made excuses. I just apologized and helped them correct their behavior.

[eepster]

Originally Posted by momo7

I think situations like the OP has mentioned are in some ways the ONLY way that mainstream people get to view GD. Really, so they see this totally out of control behavior and think that GD is all about letting children run wild, doing whatever they want or feel like doing. For the longest time that is what I thought of it as, and I know now that I use it for my own family, when ever I say "Gentle Discipline" people roll their eyes and and think images of what you witnessed.

Trying to explain that isn't it at all is more like trying to explain something to a brick wall. People just see what they want to see. I guess both good and bad examples speak volumes. Someone told me I would go to hell if I didn't spank my children because it was un-Christian not too.

I think part of the problem with seeing real GD, is that it's very quiet often. I know that I will usually remove DS from a situation where his behavior is uncontrolable, so nobody sees our talk about how his behavior was making others feel and such.

[eepster]

Originally Posted by tbone_kneegrabber

playing devil's advocate for the situation in the op's post....since the parents' were interested in you watching their child when they needed childcare, could they have not said anything because they wanted *you* to discipline her so that they could make a decision about whether or not to leave their child in your care?

I know when we went on the "playdate" at ds's school I did not stop him from doing things specifically because I wanted to see how the teachers handled the situation. I wanted to witness the process first hand, not just have them tell me what they do, ya know.

If that were the case, then I think the people should have informed the OP that they would like to see how she interacts with their DD.

[lilyka]

and that still doesn't explain why they were dismissing her behavior and making excuses. if they wanted to see how the OP would handle this behavior they would have said "we would like to see how you interact with her" not "oh she is hungry/excited/whatever"

[9tmesgrandma]

I get it that most of you are newer parents, but I am the mother of four adult children, 9+ grandchildren and teacher of 5th and 6th graders and have dealt with and do deal with bad behavior every day. At NO age should bad behavior be tolerated. It must be corrected and shown to be inappropriate. Take care of any reasons that a child may be acting up such as: hungry, tired diaper needs changing, but then if the behaviour is self-centered correct it sternly but in love.Most childhood behaviour is already ingrained by the time they are 6. Praise the good behaviour often and profusely!

[waiting2bemommy]

that is ridiculous. even if the kid is allowed to climb all over everything in her own home, at 5 yrs old she can understand that different places have different expectations. Making excuses constantly, in front of said child is giving the child the message that not only is the behavior acceptable, it is beyond her control to do anything about it. So she will continue to behave that way indefinitely since her mother has effectively taken away her power to behave appropriately. I'm not sure I'm explaining what I mean right....hope that makes sense.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Boy this is an old post.

[camracrazy]

I always think, "Is this behavior going to be cute/acceptable at age 6?, at 9?" If not, then I let my kids know. I feel behaviors easily become habits, and kids don't understand "Oh I could do this at age 4 but when I turn 5 it isn't allowed."