Needing Support... and WHAT do I get?!

[Happeesupermom]

Ok-- so I'm pregnant with my 5th baby and after three successful VBACs I'm expecting another.... and I'm seriously considering using a midwife this time (possibly home birth), since my experiences at the different hospitals was less-than-pleasant.

I'm sitting in my mom's living room the other night, visiting with her & my two sisters... and someone asks me about the pregnancy, when I'm due, etc. So the topic turns to "I'm thinking about using a midwife"-- and everything just explodes in my face!

They're all yelling at me about how terribly irresponsible that is, how dangerous and risky! If I cared about this baby I would deliver at the hospital, etc., etc., etc.!

They made me CRY! I'm 39 years old!!!! I've had FOUR, HEALTHY, NORMAL pregnancies & births! I TRUST my body! And I'm interviewing midwives before making any final & informed decision! I'm excited and happy about this baby and I want my pregnancy and birth to be natural, happy, memorable experiences!

Has anyone else had a similar experience when talking with your family about homebirth or using a midwife? What did you do about it? Where do you find support if you can't get it from your own family?

I'm sorry to "vent"... I'm just really wanting to reach out and build a support network so I don't feel so alone and scared!

[Chamsia]

If it helps, my MIL was very resistant at first. She never tried to say that I was being irresponsible as she knows I am well informed. But she was very defensive of mainstream medicine (worked at a big med university for years, thinks of them as "her" people) and got huffy whenever I spoke of ceserean and intervention rates, etc. Always spoke of what a swell experience she had in the hospital for 3 births. Um, that was 40 years ago.

Anyway, the great news is she came around. Was at the birth without any baggage, and even said to me a few months later "it seems you're right!". She happened to notice that every.other.person. she knew who had a babe (all in hospitals) had a cesarean.

That was 4 years ago, and this time around she is happy to hear all about the midwife.

Best wishes. Do what's best for you and your family, and just avoid the topic with those who aren't supportive. I wouldn't waste time and precious energy (emotional and otehrwise) defending yourself. You don't need to.

Your body rocks, and you'll do great, whatever venue you choose.

[MaerynPearl]

I fear this response if my family finds out my plans (having the birth 1100 miles away helps me not have to share that information with most of them)

one thing that helps is that my MIL goes to a holistic nutritionist... i have a feeling she would be at least more open to this.

[BlackSheepPDX]

My parents were concerned when I first told them about my plans for a non-hospital birth, non-MD/OB pregnancy last time, but when I calmly explained my reasons, the qualifications of midwives, the type of care received, etc, I was able to answer their questions and reassure them that I was making an informed and well researched decision. This is a surprising outcome, as my parents are a bit hysterical. I even remember my dad once yelling at a former tenant about how irresponsible he was in regards to he and his wife's SUCCESSFUL, ALREADY COMPLETED HOME-BIRTH. So yeah, it's possible to convert the seemingly irrational. HTH.

[matthia]

My mom had two of her four babies at home (my little brother was actually born in a house in Mexico, attended by a Mexican midwife because they got preggers while travelling around Mexico in a Volkswagen van with us THREE other children)....My dad is the father of her three youngest (so me, little sis, little bro) so he had Two of his three at home. Ok, hippy much?
The LAST thing I expected when I, naturally, decided on a home birth was resistance from not just one of them but BOTH!!!!

I mean, I can remember talking about home birthing and placenta eating and all that hippy birth stuff when I was 12!! this was how I grew up thinking birth was supposed to be done, this was natural, NOT HOSPITALS!! My parents didn't even vaccinate any of us they were so anti-conventional childrearing.

And yet, when it came to me, they were both a bit surprised and concerned about a home birth. I mean, they came to their senses a bit, although my dad still says he's going to be sitting in the car with the motor running. I was ASTOUNDED! When I was born I think the nearest hospital was about an hour away. I literally live an EASY 5 minute drive from the hospital, including a stop at the lights. If I need an ambulance, I will get from my driveway to the emergency room doors in less than 3 minutes.

So, that being said, I ditto the other posts. YOU know you're doing the right thing. If you keep getting only resistance from your family/friends, you might just want to steer clear of the topic, or else make it clear that if they want info, they need to respect your decision. Babies do weird things to people but I really hope they will come around for your sake.

[laughingfox]

I had a kind of similar experience with my dad. He just lost it and went on a tirade about how homebirth is all about the mother, and that's so selfish because the father is the most important figure at the birth.
(This coming from a man who missed the births of 2 of his 3 kids, and went for 7 years without talking to any of us.)

There was no logic in his argument, so I had no way to respond. He called and yelled at me on his lunch break at work almost every day for a month. I cried a lot.
Eventually he just lost steam and let it go.

The rest of my family wasn't exactly in favor of homebirth (except for DH), but none of them reacted anything like he did.

I was lucky to have a few supportive friends, but no one who had "been there, done that".

[AustinMom]

My mom had all 5 of us by cesarean. So when our first was a cs after a long labor and no progress, my dad went on "you need to get an xray of your pelvis to see how small the baby has to be to fit" "that's just how your mom was", etc. So when we decided to HB, he was very worried. I told him I understood, gave him the credentials of the MW (like they bring like 3 bags of medical supplies, oxygen, meds, etc to birth, are trained in a normal pregnancy and birth, and specialize in that, etc.) I also told him, I understand your point, but right now, the best thing you can do for me and this baby is to love and support us. I'm not saying you have to agree with it, just know that we have the baby and my best interest at heart. It helped, he didn't talk about it anymore. He and my mom were real hippies too, they had friends who caravaned with Ina May.

I think some people think midwives are all little wrinkly old ladies, who walk with canes, have thick accents, read chicken bones, bring a knife to "cut the pain", and other "mystical" stuff. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but it does put a sort of negative stereotype on the profession.

Or, don't tell them. Say you picked an OB, and it's a she, and in conversation, refer to her as a she, and let everyone know after the birth it happened at home. I personally didn't want to go this route, as I am not good at keeping secrets from anyone on anything.

[strawberryprincess]

My mom let out a horrible gut-wrenching scream when I casually mentioned we were planning a homebirth this time (i used midwives for the other two, but they were in hospitals--seconds away from those life-saving scalpels. )

Now that I am just a few weeks away from delivering, she has mellowed out about it, has asked a few questions--she was very surprised to hear that my m/w checked my blood pressure and listened to heart tones, etc. I think she expected tea leaves and incense as integral parts in my prenatal care

she has said to just call when everything is done, doesn't really want to know I'm in labor, so she doesn't have to worry. But she hasn't said anything negative about it. I hope your family can come around enough to at least accept that this is what you want, and feel is best for you and your unborn baby.

[Jenica]

I think when people react badly to midwives and homebirths it's purely ignorance on their part. They buy into all the stereotypes about midwives and they don't realize all the problems with hospitals' L&D these days. If you don't feel like explaining it all to them tell them to watch the documentary, "The Business of Being Born". I just watched it last week and it's a pretty good synopsis of what's wrong with the hospitals today, the cascade of interventions, what a midwife is really like and where all the negative stereotypes came from in the first place (turn of the century propaganda in case you were wondering), and what a homebirth is really like. I think if people are freaking out about your decision to have a homebirth and they watch it they'll at least be a little more understanding.

[PaisleyStar]

Hopefully they just need to be educated. I liked Business of being Born, and I liked Orgasmic Birth even more, though the title does scare people away...LOL...but maybe you could just show certain clips from the menu that omit the orgasmic part... There are a bunch of great books too, or you could put together some articles or links to articles & send them via email or such. . It's hard for some people to make the jump from 'mainstream' to 'midwife at home' if they are saturated by our culture's lies. Remember, they have not had the experiences that you've had (reading, talking to people, educating and become comfortable with the ideas) that have led to you this point.