DH doesn't want to try HB again

[Comtessa]

Please, please tell me some good stories about convincing your partner to try for a HB again after the first try ended in transfer!

Our birth was really excellent, but labor was LOOOOONG and I ended up transferring for exhaustion after two full days laboring at home. I felt like the whole thing went well, and I was never afraid for me or the baby - the HB MW was wonderful and monitored us the whole time. I was able to have an uncomplicated vaginal delivery after getting an epidural in the hospital and resting for several hours before pushing. At no point did it feel scary or out of control.

So, that's my side of the story.

The way DH tells it, though, the entire experience was deeply traumatic. He was resistant to a HB going in, and I think was secretly hoping I'd transfer anyway. Ultimately, though, he did everything he could to support my desire for a HB. My long labor at home without pain meds scared him - labor is obviously a bit unsettling if you've never seen it before, especially if it's your partner going through it - and he was terrified that something would go wrong. Nobody was ever in any danger, the baby was fine the entire time, I stayed strong and healthy, and the transfer was "textbook" - Plan B was followed to the letter.

As far as he's concerned, we gave "my way" a good try, and it didn't work. Now, should we get pregnant again, he insists that we've learned our lesson and he will not support a HB try again - he says he isn't willing to go through that kind of trauma twice.

I am convinced that if I'd tried to labor in the hospital, I would have been cut open long before the third day. I think our HB plans, though they had to change, were the only thing that made it possible for DD to be born vaginally.

We both want more children at some point, but we are seriously at an impasse here: both of us are refusing to get pregnant again until we can resolve this question, because I categorically refuse to fight about this AGAIN while I'm pregnant - we spent months in tears because of this during my first pregnancy, and I won't do it again.

Has anyone BTDT? Any advice?

[almadianna]

I am convinced that if I'd tried to labor in the hospital, I would have been cut open long before the third day.

THIS. As another mama with looooong labors (3 days with my first and 2 with my second) I believe that HB was the only reason my children were able to be born vaginally as well. Does your husband understand that? Have you told him this?

At the end of the day what birth you want is your decision, not his. I know this might sound awful but I did not give my husband the chance to veto a homebirth for us. It was my birth and my body.

Maybe ask him what he feared the most and why? My husband was scared during my first labor because he thought it would be 12-18 hours and we would be done. My labors however were not like that, knowing that he was much more calm with my second. Maybe he needs a little bit more education as to the fact that your labor (while long) was still perfectly safe and normal.

[MsBlack]

I think it would be good for him to have a chance to really air and process his feelings, his trauma--is there someone who can help you guys with this, maybe your midwife? His feelings should be validated because only then will he really heal from what he perceives as traumatic....and it sounds like this may be the first time he's ever really gotten into all that with you.

Still, I would not let him dictate the terms of the birth. Yes, affirm his feelings--but ask him to work through all that. Your hb DID work the way it was supposed to, it served you perfectly until the limits were reached. And upon transfer, it was your preparation for hb, plus your having such a good relationship with your hb mw, which both served to keep your birth natural and safe for you and baby. I think, because of his strong feelings about his own experience of that birth, he is not seeing this point clearly right now.

But maybe he can see that, in time--and with willingness to confront, process and integrate his feelings toward healing and your mutual happy future of marriage and babyhaving. Maybe you can offer to defer a final decision about birth plans for the moment, if he is willing to start by doing the emotional work he needs to do...?

But in the end, I agree: men don't get to dictate birth terms--least of all because of their fear.

Hopefully you will not need to get to an ultimatum over it--hopefully he will agree to do some his healing work, with your support and participation as much as he wants, and then realize for himself that hb is really the best place to start. Was then, will be in future!

[ktmeyer]

What exactly does he think would have been different in a hospital? What part of the homebirth process did he find traumatic? Was it the length of your labor? How does he think being in the hospital would have made that different? Maybe really ask him to think about what would have been different, so you can get to the heart of the matter. Maybe he felt too much pressure to support you in your labor? Would hiring a doula help with that?

[crunchy_mommy]

Wow my DH wants a HB next time around & *I* am the reluctant one!

Maybe tell him about my hospital experience... Was in labor since Sunday. We went to the hospital on Monday night. Tuesday morning I wasn't progressing fast enough so they were going to send us home but we had no water at home (had been turned off while they were doing construction) so we ended up staying. They wouldn't let me eat even though I'm hypoglycemic and I was starving. Finally I got them to admit me as a non-maternity patient and they let me have one meal (they really bended the rules for me on this). Then they gave me a shot of something to help me sleep (hadn't slept since Sunday night) but it just made me have weird dreams, I woke up with every contraction. The nurses were learning some new computer program so they were in the way and useless. OK then I was soo tired so I agreed to a pain med and I finally got to sleep for an hour or 2. Then I woke up and was still not progressing fast enough for them and they were getting restless. So Tuesday evening they gave me an epidural, broke my water & started me on pitocin (without asking me first)... just before midnight I was finally ready to push but couldn't move because of the epi and the nurses were too busy with that computer software to help lift my legs. My son's heartrate was dropping and I needed oxygen & finally they had to use the vacuum. He wasn't breathing when he was born (but thank God, started breathing pretty soon after). We had to stay in the hospital 3 days after because he had feeding issues etc. and we didn't get one second of privacy or sleep or anything. I won't go into all that. But anyway. My OB did everything she could to avoid a c/s (I had other personal issues that also complicated the non-progressing labor). I know for a fact that almost any other OB at that hospital would have cut me open with the personal issues I had. But I firmly believe that if we'd been able to labor at home, progress at my body's own rate, etc. my son would have been breathing when he was born and we could have bonded immediately instead of him being whisked away and only seeing him about 20 minutes total in the first 8 hours of his life.

[Talula Fairie]

I am of the opinion that it's your body the baby is coming out of, and the choice to have a homebirth is mostly yours. BUT, he is your husband, and you have to live with him, and homebirths can be expensive in many cases, so it is important he be on board. It wouldn't help either of you to have a wedge between you in your marriage.

I would just stress to him that every birth is different and tell him how incredibly important this is to you. You may also want to mention that you are somewhat less likely to transfer since you've already had a successful vaginal birth. I don't know if that is statically proven per se, but it's a good sign, yk? And it's common to have an easier subsequent labor.

[jackiev0626]

Although it is your body and you are the one giving birth, it takes 2 to make a baby. He is your husband and should have the right to his opinion in the matter. So, if it was me, I would just do whatever I could to convince him that a homebirth is best. Good Luck!

[almadianna]

yes it takes two to make the baby but the final decision should always be hers. It is after all her body that will be going through the trials and tribulation that is pregnancy and labor.

[Talula Fairie]

Originally Posted by almadianna

yes it takes two to make the baby but the final decision should always be hers. It is after all her body that will be going through the trials and tribulation that is pregnancy and labor.

At the same time though, she's married to this guy. If she made a final decision and he was really really against it, what kind of birth would it be like with him there? It could even cause serious problems in the marriage. It's such a tough call becuase I believe that it SHOULD be a woman's decision, but at the same time, if it were me, I wouldn't put having a homebirth over my marriage, if it came to that.

[almadianna]

Originally Posted by Talula Fairie

At the same time though, she's married to this guy. If she made a final decision and he was really really against it, what kind of birth would it be like with him there? It could even cause serious problems in the marriage. It's such a tough call becuase I believe that it SHOULD be a woman's decision, but at the same time, if it were me, I wouldn't put having a homebirth over my marriage, if it came to that.

Why should she be the one to bend about her own body though? If having a homebirth would ruin her marriage (not that we are saying that it would) it would be because he did not bend either and he chose to put his unwarranted fears before his marriage and before the integrity of his wife's body.

My husband and I had this discussion before we got married but if my husband cared more about being right than making sure my body was in one piece, my marriage would never have happened.... and if he were to change his mind I would not consider this to be a good marriage anymore.

This is something quite serious. The repercussions of (in my case and likely the OPs with long labors) a csection that you did not want (both emotional and physical) are not something that I would consider compromising on.

[Talula Fairie]

Originally Posted by almadianna

Why should she be the one to bend about her own body though? If having a homebirth would ruin her marriage (not that we are saying that it would) it would be because he did not bend either and he chose to put his unwarranted fears before his marriage and before the integrity of his wife's body.

My husband and I had this discussion before we got married but if my husband cared more about being right than making sure my body was in one piece, my marriage would never have happened.... and if he were to change my mind I would not consider this to be a good marriage anymore.

This is something quite serious. The repercussions of (in my case and likely the OPs with long labors) a csection that you did not want (both emotional and physical) are not something that I would consider compromising on.

I don't actually think it's ONLY her body we're talking about. I don't think it's that black and white. It's their finances, for example, my husband had to sacrifice a lot to pay for the homebirth. It's also their child, not just hers.

While I think a guy who would not bend for whatever reason on this issue -enough to destroy a marriage, even- would certainly be in the wrong, I am also not sure that for me, personally, it would be worth ending a marriage over. Everyone has their own dealbreakers.

[almadianna]

Originally Posted by Talula Fairie

I don't actually think it's ONLY her body we're talking about. I don't think it's that black and white. It's their finances, for example, my husband had to sacrifice a lot to pay for the homebirth. It's also their child, not just hers.

While I think a guy who would not bend for whatever reason on this issue -enough to destroy a marriage, even- would certainly be in the wrong, I am also not sure that for me, personally, it would be worth ending a marriage over. Everyone has their own dealbreakers.

Finances are not more important that my body remaining in one piece and if my husband feels that way then the discussion would be over. I have said it before and I meant it, I would go into debt, sell cars, get a credit card, etc. if it is what it took.

I think it is a hard place to be in, but at the end of the day it is that black and white. It is her body and it is her choice. If anyone (not just a husband, but a parent, sibling, etc.) feels like the relationship is worth ending because someone decided to stand up for themselves and their body that is not a relationship that I need to be in any longer.

[Talula Fairie]

Originally Posted by almadianna

Finances are not more important that my body remaining in one piece and if my husband feels that way then the discussion would be over. I have said it before and I meant it, I would go into debt, sell cars, get a credit card, etc. if it is what it took.

I think it is a hard place to be in, but at the end of the day it is that black and white. It is her body and it is her choice. If anyone (not just a husband, but a parent, sibling, etc.) feels like the relationship is worth ending because someone decided to stand up for themselves and their body that is not a relationship that I need to be in any longer.

I don't think it's fair to say that it is that black and white, period. You're essentially telling me what you think I should have as my opinion. I said "I think" not "it is"; I didn't make a statement as to how people should feel about this. For some people it is that black and white, I get that. It's not that black and white for me. You might feel that my opinion is wrong, and that's fine, we clearly disagree. Like I said, everyone has their own dealbreakers, and they have the right to decide what is and isn't ok in their own marriage.

On another note, I also think it's somewhat privileged to assume that it's even POSSIBLE for all people to have a homebirth financially. For my first two children, it wasn't. We were barely making ends meet as it was, we were in debt with no available credit, we had no assests to sell and there was no way someone was going to barter with us, and we did not qualify for medical. I feel really lucky that we were able to make it work this last time.

[almadianna]

I must add that as a mother who knows for a fact that she would have end up with a csection if she even stepped foot in a hospital I obviously feel very strongly about the difference that a homebirth makes. I also believe that in the OPs case the attempted homebirth is what made it so that her child was able to be born vaginally and with no further complications.

To me having a homebirth is equal to standing up for myself and my body because having a child in a hospital would mean surgery. I dont know a single person here in Houston that has been in labor for 3 days without being scared into one, it just does not happen.

[almadianna]

Originally Posted by Talula Fairie

I don't think it's fair to say that it is that black and white, period. You're essentially telling me what you think I should have as my opinion. I said "I think" not "it is"; I didn't make a statement as to how people should feel about this. For some people it is that black and white, I get that. It's not that black and white for me. You might feel that my opinion is wrong, and that's fine, we clearly disagree. Like I said, everyone has their own dealbreakers, and they have the right to decide what is and isn't ok in their own marriage.

On another note, I also think it's somewhat privileged to assume that it's even POSSIBLE for all people to have a homebirth financially. For my first two children, it wasn't. We were barely making ends meet as it was, we were in debt with no available credit, we had no assests to sell and there was no way someone was going to barter with us, and we did not qualify for medical. I feel really lucky that we were able to make it work this last time.

The OP obviously feels strongly about this. So much that they are at a stand-still about even getting pregnant again as a result, if she feels this strongly about this it should be as she wishes.

I dont think anyone is saying to pack up and leave the second that he disagrees. I believe those of us supporting her have suggested she talk to him, see what his fears were, try to explain, and get him some help and better education on the subject. I believe that education is the key to getting them both what they need; for him information to take care of his fears and for her the homebirth that she should have.

To the OP, has he read any books on homebirth?

[claddaghmom]

I'm sorry, I hate to come off as rude b/c really I only feel concern for you, and hope that you find a resolution. But I think that you must be misled somewhere to believe someone who is so against HB somehow supported you/hid his feelings on the matter during birth.

I also find myself wondering if his vibes impacted your labour.

Especially telling is the whole "tried it YOUR way, now it's his turn to shine" that smacks of disrespectful judgments and subtle messages about your body. He's basically saying you were wrong. Your body didn't work. He knows best.

Pregnancy and birthing are such sensitive times when we are very aware of ourselves and others. I can't imagine birthing in that kind of atmosphere.

I would continue to stand fast in your desire to homebirth and I also recommend digging around to see if you can find a 3rd party who can guide you guys through this.

BTW FWIW my first labour was very long and I am absolutely sure I would have been cut up by the end of the first day. The pushing stage was several hours on its own. DH is still 100% in love with HB. I just want you to know this b/c I think he's using your long labour as leverage to push his opinion on you.

[Talula Fairie]

Originally Posted by almadianna

The OP obviously feels strongly about this. So much that they are at a stand-still about even getting pregnant again as a result, if she feels this strongly about this it should be as she wishes.

I dont think anyone is saying to pack up and leave the second that he disagrees. I believe those of us supporting her have suggested she talk to him, see what his fears were, try to explain, and get him some help and better education on the subject. I believe that education is the key to getting them both what they need; for him information to take care of his fears and for her the homebirth that she should have.

To the OP, has he read any books on homebirth?

I am supporting her, too. I suggested the exact things you just did in my original comment \

Also, I missed the sentence where she talked about not being willing to TTC until they can resolve the issue. I thought she was already pregnant. I am super sleep deprived.

[emnic77]

First babies can be doozies. I would find him as much literature as possible to show him that second labors rarely mirror first labors in normal vaginal births.

My first was about 36 hours of awful, awful labor from the onset. 3.5 hours of pushing. My contractions at the hospital at 3cm looked like "pitocin transition" contractions according to the nurses and their monitors.

With my second, I didn't even get to the hospital until I was at 8cm because I assumed I still had HOURS of labor left; my whole phase of active labor was about 5 hours with him, I was laughing and cracking jokes through transition. It almost felt like I was cheating.

First and second babies can be apples and oranges. I would stress that as much as possible to him.

And there's not really a compromise to be made, you either give birth at home or at a hospital/birthing center, there's not really a middle ground. If it were me, *I* am the one that faces being hooked up to monitors, having things "done" to me, so in the end, while I certainly would do everything I could to have my dh on board, but in the end if he just wasn't going to get there, I'd be very sad about it but I'd stick with my decision. If he thought it was going to be too much for him to emotionally handle, I'd gently offer him to be let off the hook and be somewhere else for the birth. *shrug*

[weliveintheforest]

Originally Posted by ktmeyer

What exactly does he think would have been different in a hospital? What part of the homebirth process did he find traumatic? Was it the length of your labor? How does he think being in the hospital would have made that different? Maybe really ask him to think about what would have been different, so you can get to the heart of the matter. Maybe he felt too much pressure to support you in your labor? Would hiring a doula help with that?

These are some really good questions. I hope you and he can find a way to work through your feelings.

Me, and a close friend of mine, both had long labours with hospital transfers with our first babies, and went on to have relatively easy second births at home.

[Delicateflower]

My first labor was three days in the hospital, with no c-section. It's your care provider's call how long it goes on, not the hospital's. The care provider goes on the same information to make their decisions, no matter where you are, home or hospital.

My second was much quicker, although just as appallingly painful. Did you have a doula to reassure your husband? I feel like that's an often overlooked role for a doula, to reassure the partner that although she thinks she's dying and is in so much pain, that it's normal and everyone is doing fine.