DH doesn't want to try HB again - Page 4

[MegBoz]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

I tried finding out the c/s rates of the local hospitals but came up with nothing... I guess I'd have to call them to find out? I'm curious now.

My MW (CNM) told me the rate for the hospital. But www.thebirthsurvey.com has rates for some states. The state department of health collects it & the birth survey generally gets it there. Our local ICAN chapter keeps the rates as well.

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

But either way... if you got an on-call doc who wanted to do a c/s, you don't HAVE to do it do you?!?! I mean docs do a lot of things without truly getting informed consent but it seems to me if you didn't want a c/s and your baby wasn't in immediate danger they couldn't force you to agree to it... Please note I'm really interested in hearing what you have to say, I'm not arguing with you and I know you may think I sound completely idiotic & ignorant, but maybe I just haven't read enough research & studies...

Oh no, I don't think you're ignorant at all! I know much of this stuff from reading here on MDC, I'm sure in time you'll come to read it all too!

Well, no, you don't have to consent to CS. Although i HAVE read some horror stories of women literally screaming, "I do not consent!" & still being wheeled in for surgery. Although I suspect those stories are rare.
What happens more often is, "The dead baby card." The OB, along with nurses tell you that if you don't consent to the CS, your baby may die. (Which, technically is true - babies die in the birth process sometimes, it happens! Of course, they die during/immediately after birth even MORE OFTEN with a CS, but I digress.)

They tell you, "Don't you want what's best for the baby?"
"It's all about having a healthy baby. That is the most important thing."

How many women are going to be able to continue to stand firm in their resolve when hearing this?! Think about it. Compound that with:
1. Most women view the OB as an authority figure & are inclined to do what he says
--they have training & experience & knowledge the rest of us don't have.
2. Women are very emotionally vulnerable in labor
3. if labor has been progressing a long time, the woman is likely very tired & her resolve to FIGHT against an unwanted CS will, understandably, be weak!

Finally, I totally agree with you she shouldn't force her DH either. I'm on the same page with you there. But HE should be mature enough to:
1. Put her first (it is her body, so while his feelings matter, her preferences are MORE important)
2. Use LOGIC & REASON to make decisions & realize he shouldn't make decisions based on fear
3. Work to get over the trauma & if he can't, consider not being present for the birth (or at least give his DW the option of HB without him, or hospital-birth WITH HIM if he just can't find it in himself to support HB).

I'm sure it is not easy for him - especially my item #2 above. Logically, he may come to realize HB is safe, but emotionally, it's hard to shake the fear. An intellectual realization that we should not feel a certain way rarely makes the feeling go away, unfortunately. So, again, if he's unable to process the trauma, then #3 might be a good compromise.

[alton]

What a tough situation!
I laboured calmly at home, until it was time to go to the hospital and once we got there I fell apart and things went downhill from there. So my husband is totally supportive of my desire to stay home on this one.
It's fairly natural to look at a situation and try to figure out what to change in order to make it better next time. Both our husbands are using the same process, but in my case, his conclusion works to my advantage! But it seems to me that your husband is making that decision without analysing all the evidence first.
For what it's worth, I'd suggest (as others have) letting him talk about his trauma, possibly with a counsellor, without trying to guide his point of view in any direction. If that's not an option, what about getting him to write his birth story and reading it (without comment)?
It took me quite a few re-tellings of my story before I came to terms with the birth. Sometimes you have to just give a person space to get it out of their heads.
Then acknowledge that you want different things, you need to make a decision together, and therefore need to review the evidence.

• One of the things that you could do, is contact whatever hospital you would be likely to attend and asking questions about their policies (particularly in regard to how long they would let you labour).
• If a c-section seems like a better option to him, than watching you in pain for hours and hours, then you could look at some of the studies on the pros and cons of c-s for mother and baby.
• There are loads of resources out there to support either side of the debate. If your husband isn't the kind to read everything you bring to him, you could challenge him to find studies/ stories to convince you! In other words refuse to be swayed from your point-of-view without good evidence that it is the best thing for you

What I'm suggesting is a very analytical process, which might frustrate you but might suit your husband's psychology better. Where you might be inclined to talk from a perspective of feelings, he might be better convinced by looking at the facts of the matter. if time is of the essence, you could point out that it is easier to switch from a homebirth to a hospital birth than vice versa so you should start by booking a homebirth to "keep all options open".

[Sweetiemommy]

This may be crude, but I resolve most issues with sex. In other words, if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. Seriously, though, my husband was pretty traumatized by our first birth (homebirth) but he never blamed it on being at home. Instead he thought about how much more freaked out he would be at the hospital if they were pushing interventions on us. Maybe he views the hospital as the place where his fears and the labor were "resolved" so he just wants to go straight there? I would stress that even if you did birth at a hospital, you would still stay home with a doula for just as long. Otherwise, you are COMPLETELY correct in your belief that you would have run out of time and been considered for a c-section. I don't know if you are religious, but I always think it helps to pray about big decisions together. Or maybe suggest that you see a counselor together, particularly if he is being rigid about going to the hospital. You could consider that having a hospital birth could cause you to resent him after wards, so maybe if faced with counseling, he might decide that getting on board with the homebirth is easier to handle. You might want to check out some books about post traumatic stress disorder and I like Birthing From Within for ideas about how to feel good about the next birth after a scary first experience. Good luck to you!

[Sweetiemommy]

I also want to mention, that no matter how supportive your caregiver is at the hospital, they still have to work there and they do have supervisors. I know one midwife who has nurses constantly breathing down her neck during routine births and often report her to the supervising OB for all sorts of things, threaten to take her privledges, etc. So even if you have a super supportive midwife, there are other people involved who can sway the situation.