Need Some Empathy- Dealing with Family Criticism about raising kids vegan

[Ianthe]

Until just recently I did not know my MIL had such a problem with raising our kids vegan. My 2 1/2 yr old is an active, and thin, kid. She wants us to start pumping him full of cows milk and eggs in order to "fatten him up", plus junk food! We are in a huge, heated fight at the moment about it. His pediatrician is supportive of our decision and agrees that he is healthy and just has "skinny genes" like his parents (we are both short, skinny people).

Anyone dealing with this? It is getting to the point where I no longer trust MIL to be alone with DS1 because I think she is going to sneak him milk and eggs.



P.S. we are renting MIL's basement apartment, so she is around all.the.time. It's not like we can just stop accepting her phone calls and cut her out of our lives (and I really don't want to anyway).

[Ruthla]

I think the best approach to take here is "We're the parents, and we get to make the parenting decisions. You had your turn with DH (and any siblings he might have), now it's our turn." You also need to point out that, since he's never had eggs or milk, you don't know if he's allergic to either one. Both are extremely common allergens. Does she know what to do in case of an allergic reaction? Nobody but mom or dad should ever offer new foods to a child!

Make sure you emphasize how much you love her and that you know she wants what's best for DS. Help her find ways she can "spoil DS with treats" that you approve of (dried fruit? nuts? potato chips? pretzels? homemade vegan baked goods? excessive toys and clutter rather than foods?)

[Ianthe]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

I think the best approach to take here is "We're the parents, and we get to make the parenting decisions. You had your turn with DH (and any siblings he might have), now it's our turn." You also need to point out that, since he's never had eggs or milk, you don't know if he's allergic to either one. Both are extremely common allergens. Does she know what to do in case of an allergic reaction? Nobody but mom or dad should ever offer new foods to a child!

Make sure you emphasize how much you love her and that you know she wants what's best for DS. Help her find ways she can "spoil DS with treats" that you approve of (dried fruit? nuts? potato chips? pretzels? homemade vegan baked goods? excessive toys and clutter rather than foods?)

We have said the "we're the parents.... etc" stuff to her, and she keeps pursuing the argument. Thank you for the point of offering new known allergen foods. I got upset with her the other day for wanting to feed DS1 fry sauce (a combination of mayonnaise and ketchup that is popular in Utah), and told her that even if we did start feeding DS1 animal products it certainly wouldn't EVER be fry sauce!

[eepster]

Originally Posted by LizzyQ

P.S. we are renting MIL's basement apartment, so she is around all.the.time. It's not like we can just stop accepting her phone calls and cut her out of our lives (and I really don't want to anyway).

Well, we did take the cutting the ILs out of our lives approach, but there was way way more going on than just annoying remarks about diet.

Next time she says she wants to "fatten him up" I would just look at her with a confused expression and say "why."

[maciascl]

Sorry! Have you tried pushing the point of the ped being ok with it & your 'skinny' kid being 'normal'? I have skinny boys too so I keep waiting for the 'well if you'd just give him some meat...' argument. I also like Ruthla's idea of finding acceptable treats she can give him.

[Jelinifer]

Another vote for Ruthla's idea.... my mother will be watching our kiddo and at first was upset with the idea of not being able "spoil" her grandkids with treats the way her parents did with me and my brother. After discussing it a bit, we agreed that her keeping Alternative Baking Co. cookies, Purely Decadent ice cream, etc... in the house for an occasional treat is fine if she's willing to shell out the money just to have vegan "treats" on hand for the kiddo

[Purple*Lotus]

I agree with the others. Your child, your choice. When she is old enough to make her own choices she can, but for now, you and your partner decide. I would just speak honestly with your MIL and tell her that you and your DH feel that her diet is fine, your doctor is on board, and that this is not up for discussion.

[Ianthe]

Yeah, I've pretty much said all that.. she just keeps saying, "I don't agree, you are wrong, I have more experience at mothering/teaching (she is a school teacher) than you do.... yada, yada".

Treats: The thing is, we have our own fridge just right downstairs. Our pantry and fridge are full of vegan food, snacks, goodies, etc. She doesn't cook, so she makes him boca chickin nuggets, then tells me she is concerned about him eating soy because he is a boy- and she is the only one who feeds it to him.

[veganfox]

Sounds like a stubborn lady!
I mean, the argument about having more experience is kinda silly. Tell her she may have more experience but she's not a pediatrician. When she gets her medical degree she should come back to you. Have you tried to print out some info on vegan kids for her?

[lovepiggie]

Maybe she's worried about him not being healthy? She might not know any other ways of getting what you need than by eating animal products! I know for a lot of people, they're shocked that you can get your protein, calcium, etc, from a plant based diet. I would recommend finding a book about vegan nutrition for children, and sharing it with her! Just give it to her to read at her leisure, and she won't feel pressured.

Also, I feel for you! My parents are the same way - my son is only 4 months old, but my dad is already telling me he needs steak and my mom wants to give him cow's milk. I know right NOW they're joking, but I worry about when he's older...

Good luck! And stick to your guns, it is YOUR baby!

[mrsbrunette]

ugh, how frustrated you must feel. i def agree with you and the doc that it is most likely a "gene thing." my 2 year old is vegan as well but, ahem, meaty on the thighs. this is only because my husband was the same build as a kid.

[Kailey's mom]

Why not take her grocery shopping with you so she can see the huge variety of vegan foods at the health food store. Be sure to show her the rice dream ice cream treats and other stereotypical "fatty" foods that they actually have at the health food store.. just don't mention that they are healthy LOL. Oh, and have you shown her how many calories are in peanut butter yet? This worked with my grandma.. I played stupid and read the peanut butter label in front of her, pretended it was my first time doing it than explained that """wow, 2 tbsp of peanutbutter has more fat and more calories in it than a McDonalds double cheeseburger!"

[dbsam]

Originally Posted by LizzyQ

His pediatrician is supportive of our decision and agrees that he is healthy and just has "skinny genes" like his parents (we are both short, skinny people).

I'm not sure how often you go to the pediatrician, but the next time you go would you consider taking her with so she can hear an 'expert's' opinion?

[mumkimum]

If she hasn't listened to you, it might just be helpful to take the point that when she's making these comments, she's hurting her vegan grandson's feelings and being rude (particuarly since she doesn't listen to what you've said to her).

If she could answer why she is so concerned, and it really was about being too skinny and having more fats - she'd be happy serving him avocado and coconut milk and etc. that would be okay with you. If that isn't the case, it's likely about something else.

My dd is 3, we have some relatives I'm not positive about trusting either with feeding her acceptable foods cause I don't think they really care. Any explanation I'd try I'm pretty sure would get ignored. So I've worked with dd to care about being vegetarian, asking if food is vegetarian (dh eats meat, so we do this at home anyway, sometimes) and stuff like that. We still get these passive-agressive comments about "oh, I guess dd can't eat that since there's meat in it" (and even "oh, she can't eat fish?") and really, I try to be around the majority of the time too, still. But I do think that seeing her care about it too has helped them not be quite so heavy-handed about it.

[Ianthe]

Originally Posted by veganfox

Sounds like a stubborn lady!
I mean, the argument about having more experience is kinda silly. Tell her she may have more experience but she's not a pediatrician. When she gets her medical degree she should come back to you. Have you tried to print out some info on vegan kids for her?

I've said something like this to her too.. I said, "Just because you have raised children before me, and teach school, does not make you an expert in child nutrition. BIL (who is also on this bandwagon) is not an expert in child nutrition either, just because he is a nurse (that works in the ER and doesn't even deal with nutritional issues). Those experts in child nutrition that I have consulted with- Their pediatrician and the Registered diaticians at the WIC clinic (which one must have a Masters or Doctorate degree in order to be one), agree that raising children vegan, if done right, is a very healthy lifestyle for them."

I have the "Raising Vegetarian Kids" book that she might be interested in reading, also "The China Study" but it is probably too scientific to capture her attention.

Originally Posted by lovepiggie

Maybe she's worried about him not being healthy? She might not know any other ways of getting what you need than by eating animal products! I know for a lot of people, they're shocked that you can get your protein, calcium, etc, from a plant based diet. I would recommend finding a book about vegan nutrition for children, and sharing it with her! Just give it to her to read at her leisure, and she won't feel pressured.

I took a college level nutrition class a couple semesters ago as part of the class we were required to analyze our diets and print out the results that listed protien, cholesterol, calcium, all the vitamins and minerals, and omegas. My vegan diet was not lacking in any area. I tried to show that to her, but she refused saying, "He is a kid and doesn't want to eat your rice and beans vegan adult food" !!

Originally Posted by Kailey's mom

Why not take her grocery shopping with you so she can see the huge variety of vegan foods at the health food store. Be sure to show her the rice dream ice cream treats and other stereotypical "fatty" foods that they actually have at the health food store.. just don't mention that they are healthy LOL. Oh, and have you shown her how many calories are in peanut butter yet? This worked with my grandma.. I played stupid and read the peanut butter label in front of her, pretended it was my first time doing it than explained that """wow, 2 tbsp of peanutbutter has more fat and more calories in it than a McDonalds double cheeseburger!"

I am all about healthy fats and he gets a lot of them. She just believes that fat has to come from animals...

As for grocery shopping, she has full access to our kitchen because we share a house. She knows all about rice dream and all the other wonderful vegan things, she's even bought them herself!

Originally Posted by dbsam

I'm not sure how often you go to the pediatrician, but the next time you go would you consider taking her with so she can hear an 'expert's' opinion?

I am considering having his ped write a letter of health to show her.

[MommyKelly]

Originally Posted by LizzyQ

We have said the "we're the parents.... etc" stuff to her, and she keeps pursuing the argument. Thank you for the point of offering new known allergen foods. I got upset with her the other day for wanting to feed DS1 fry sauce (a combination of mayonnaise and ketchup that is popular in Utah), and told her that even if we did start feeding DS1 animal products it certainly wouldn't EVER be fry sauce!

LOL, I love fry sauce. I make my own vegan version of it.

[claddaghmom]

I grew up vegan. The reply to anyone was, "They have sensitivies to milk/eggs/dairy."

Not really allergies mind you...but everyone read it as "we can't eat it" so they shut up.

[Gentle~Mommy :)]

Do you have to rent her basement? is there any chance you can get your own apartment free of her?

[wytchywoman]

I think at this point it's time to disengage. You are the parents, you make the choices. You've explained your standpoint and she's obviously not willing to honor your opinions. Everytime she asks about your DC's diet, I'd respond with something inane like " Hey, did you see that cloud this morning that looked like an elephant?". Eventually she will get that this subject simply isn't open to discussion anymore. As long as you try to reason with her, she will try to wear you down. Don't. Discuss. Anymore. Problem solved.
As for her sneaking the foods, your DS 1 is old enough to tell you what he eats right? Can you keep tabs that way on what she feeds him?Do you really think she'd go behind your back? If so, I'd have a very serious discussion with your DP about having a very serious discussion with MIL. If you can't trust her to not honor your decisions with YOUR kids, then there is a really huge problemo going down in that house that needs to be dealt with by you DP.

[Ianthe]

Originally Posted by MommyKelly

LOL, I love fry sauce. I make my own vegan version of it.

We make our own version of it too

Originally Posted by Gentle~Mommy :)

Do you have to rent her basement? is there any chance you can get your own apartment free of her?

right now, yes. But we're moving June 1 to another town where I'll be starting school and living in student housing. I've asked, believe me, several times to move into a different place until then, but DH refuses to "move twice"

Originally Posted by wytchywoman

I think at this point it's time to disengage. You are the parents, you make the choices. You've explained your standpoint and she's obviously not willing to honor your opinions. Everytime she asks about your DC's diet, I'd respond with something inane like " Hey, did you see that cloud this morning that looked like an elephant?". Eventually she will get that this subject simply isn't open to discussion anymore. As long as you try to reason with her, she will try to wear you down. Don't. Discuss. Anymore. Problem solved.
As for her sneaking the foods, your DS 1 is old enough to tell you what he eats right? Can you keep tabs that way on what she feeds him?Do you really think she'd go behind your back? If so, I'd have a very serious discussion with your DP about having a very serious discussion with MIL. If you can't trust her to not honor your decisions with YOUR kids, then there is a really huge problemo going down in that house that needs to be dealt with by you DP.

She has said that she thought about giving him milk and eggs behind our back, so yes, I really think she would. I am pretty sure she is not going to feed him meat, but she is convinced that children can't be healthy without drinking 4 glasses of milk a day.