what am i supposed to do?

[titania8]

trying to figure out what to do when my 4yo doesn't do what i ask him, like "let's get your jammies on. please come here and get your jammies on. it's time to get these on now. let me help you get dressed". (commence screaming and flailing as i approach and attempt to take his shirt off).

this is where i throw my own hissy fit and say "fine! do it yourself!".

i know, real mature. which is why i'm here, asking for the appropriate next step. or at least some ideas. i'm fresh out. and so very tired.

he does have trouble with transition, so he already gets notice that the time is coming. but if he's not in the mood, it doesn't matter.

its not just dressing, but that is the main issue. and yes, he does need to get dressed. i don't really care if he wears his clothes to bed, but HE doesn't want to. he just doesn't want to change.

[hollytheteacher]

That sounds very frustrating. Happens sometimes with my two year old but I can usually end up distracting him with a game or something...like maybe you could try to say "let's get our pajamas on and I'll race you to see who is changed first?" Then you both run and get your pajamas on...

Or pretend that if he doesn't want to change then YOU will wear his pj's ...start trying ot put them on and be really dramatic about them not fitting...

OR offer to help him but put his shirt on his feet, pants on his head etc...


basically the playful parent approach??

Just an idea...hope it works!

[bobandjess99]

honestly, it sounds like you have the perfect natural consequence. He can change, or he has to wear his cirrent clothes to bed.

[mamazee]

It sounds like an autonomy thing. I would take myself out of the equation a bit more. "Here are your jammies. Let me know if you want help putting them on." And he can wear his clothes to bed if it's a big deal, otherwise he can put his jammies on with or without help. He might have a tantrum but that would be over frustration with a lack of ability to do it himself, not because you're doing anything wrong. Tantrums can't always be avoided.

[MaterBum]

Ugh. The great pajama struggle, lol!

Just as a warning, when we told our DS that he could do it or sleep in his clothes, he always SAID he would just sleep in his clothes. Then, after the lights were out and his sisters were trying to sleep, he'd scream that NOW he wanted his pajamas on. I obviously didn't want to leave him screaming and waking them up, but I felt the whole natural consequences thing was being lost when I stepped in and rescued the situation. It was awful!

What we finally did was set getting pajamas on to an earlier time! Follow our logic: It appeared that the real issue wasn't the pajamas but wanting to play every last minute possible before getting into bed. He had been conditioned that pajamas = go to bed. So, we set pj time to right after dinner basically. They eat dinner, take a bath, get pj's on and play. Now we don't have issues over getting them on. Now we DO hear the classic "five more minutes, Mom" when it's time to get into bed, but that is so much better/easier to work with than the pj battle.

Hope you find a solution that works.

[crowcaw]

My dds are 4. For awhile we were bathing and putting on pajamas before dinner as their bedtime was fairly soon after dinner and it it was easier to get pj's on before dinner. After bath I'd get them to their room and then head downstairs telling them to join me when they were dressed. Now that it's winter and we're not bathing every day, pjs have gone back to bedtime; I show them a time on the clock that if they have their pjs on by we'll have time to read one book each and then let them do it on their own. Usually I leave the room because they're more efficient that way. In both cases there was something they wanted to do (help with dinner in the former, read in the later) so they'd focus on getting pjs on.

[ssh]

My DD is also 4. She likes picking them out and putting them on herself. She has a pajama drawer in the bathroom.

[titania8]

Originally Posted by MaterBum

Ugh. The great pajama struggle, lol!

Just as a warning, when we told our DS that he could do it or sleep in his clothes, he always SAID he would just sleep in his clothes. Then, after the lights were out and his sisters were trying to sleep, he'd scream that NOW he wanted his pajamas on. I obviously didn't want to leave him screaming and waking them up, but I felt the whole natural consequences thing was being lost when I stepped in and rescued the situation. It was awful!

What we finally did was set getting pajamas on to an earlier time! Follow our logic: It appeared that the real issue wasn't the pajamas but wanting to play every last minute possible before getting into bed. He had been conditioned that pajamas = go to bed. So, we set pj time to right after dinner basically. They eat dinner, take a bath, get pj's on and play. Now we don't have issues over getting them on. Now we DO hear the classic "five more minutes, Mom" when it's time to get into bed, but that is so much better/easier to work with than the pj battle.

Hope you find a solution that works.

i can relate to all of this! we have a 13 month old as well, who goes to bed before the twins and we have to *try* and keep them quiet so they don't wake him up. their (the twins) room is very near the room where baby sleeps, so yea, we have to decide between the scream fest and the natural consequence. so we do what we can to keep everyone calm as best we can.

and yes! to the timing, it does seem like its the time and also the "rush" of getting it all done before eli (baby) wakes up. we take them upstairs to change/start the routine very soon after dinner, so we definitely have the pj=bedtime association going on here. i wonder how they'd like to eat dinner in their pjs? that might be something worth trying. of course, tonight they didn't have any problems getting ready. i wonder what the difference was? fluke? who knows!

[titania8]

Originally Posted by hollytheteacher

That sounds very frustrating. Happens sometimes with my two year old but I can usually end up distracting him with a game or something...like maybe you could try to say "let's get our pajamas on and I'll race you to see who is changed first?" Then you both run and get your pajamas on...

Or pretend that if he doesn't want to change then YOU will wear his pj's ...start trying ot put them on and be really dramatic about them not fitting...

OR offer to help him but put his shirt on his feet, pants on his head etc...


basically the playful parent approach??

Just an idea...hope it works!

i do need to do more playful parenting. i just get *SO* tired of the fit throwing! it's hard to find that "fun" place. or even remember to try it. i'm putting it back in the front of my brain now, and will work on being playful more. i know they love it, and i am sure i will too.

Originally Posted by crowcaw

My dds are 4. For awhile we were bathing and putting on pajamas before dinner as their bedtime was fairly soon after dinner and it it was easier to get pj's on before dinner. After bath I'd get them to their room and then head downstairs telling them to join me when they were dressed. Now that it's winter and we're not bathing every day, pjs have gone back to bedtime; I show them a time on the clock that if they have their pjs on by we'll have time to read one book each and then let them do it on their own. Usually I leave the room because they're more efficient that way. In both cases there was something they wanted to do (help with dinner in the former, read in the later) so they'd focus on getting pjs on.

WOW! really? my boys would get *nothing* done if left to their own devices! they get so caught up in their play and off and running on tangents upon tangents! they are funny little guys. i like your idea of showing them a time on the clock to be done by. we usually say something like 'if there is time' which of course, is entirely too abstract to have any meaning whatsoever to them. do you write down the time? analog or digital?

thanks for all the replies! it's good to have a place to talk these things out, it does help clear my head and focus my thinking and get fresh perspectives.

[amandaleigh37]

We have this struggle with my 3yo. I've had success with being silly, like holding up his shirt and saying "Here, put your pants on." ("No that's my shirt!") "No, come on, these are your pants. Step in!" (*laughing* Nooo it's a shirt!") "Are you sure?? I dont' think so... How does it go?" "Oooh it goes on your ARMS?? Wow! It really is a shirt! Ok, now let's put on your mittens (socks).. Kind of silly and usually keeps us both in a lighthearted mood...

[RoViMama]

I give a LOT of choices to my 3 yr old. Do you want to get dressed now or in 5 min? Do you want help or do it by yourself? Want to get dressed in your room or the bathroom? Want to brush teeth first or jammies first? With all the choices she USUALLY does not have a struggle getting them on. But if I have to wait too long, she might miss out on a story or extra snugggle time (which she loves).
Sue

[crowcaw]

Originally Posted by titania8

WOW! really? my boys would get *nothing* done if left to their own devices! they get so caught up in their play and off and running on tangents upon tangents! they are funny little guys. i like your idea of showing them a time on the clock to be done by. we usually say something like 'if there is time' which of course, is entirely too abstract to have any meaning whatsoever to them. do you write down the time? analog or digital?

I think the leaving them alone is better with my girls for 2 reasons -- the first being they always want to be where I am so they will dress to make sure they don't miss anything I'm doing and secondly, if I stay in the room I badger them, which I think actually slows things down. I just can't keep myself from repeatedly telling them to get their pjs on and it definitely doesn't help. As for the clock, it's analog and to let them know how much time they have I tell them they have to be ready "by the time the big hand gets to here," and point.

I just in the last couple days figured out what i have to do with my more distractable one if I do stay in the room (like this afternoon when we had to get ready for dance class asap and we didn't have the time to let them do it themselves, plus they can't get the tights on). I have to give her step by step instructions. Take your shoes off, take your socks off, take you pants off,... She'll do each piece as soon as I tell her but if I badger by repeadtedly saying "get undressed" she'll just goof around. Without me there she's much more focused -- but still can't change into her dance uniform in 2 minutes alone.