i want it back

[6 string daddy]

new to the posting thing, i am hoping to get some insight. DW is bfing, we are in agreement with ap'ing, and we stick up for each other with family and comments from others, but I don't like even being in the same room with her right now. i'd rather play with ds or even have him an entire day by myself, right now it's 3 days/week, 4 hrs/day. i don't know why i feel like this, but i don't know where to start on getting it back to the way it used to be (not our lifestyle, but my feelings for her). i don't want the underlying tension to come out in meanness towards her in front of ds (14 mo.) either. Any insight or even comments greatly appreciated.

[El Casey S]

Sigh, it sure isn't easy getting adjusted to having another soul to love. I don't know what your feelings are, I could venture all kinds of guesses, but it really wouldn't help, in fact it may just irriate. What I have found - after being married 10 before our ds came along, was that we (naturally) have far less time to talk with each other than we used to. We both love our son, but in some ways this soul separates the couples - like the father can't bf, that is the pure joy only the female part of the couple can enjoy. And you have needs too, which you may not feel you can express without sounding selfish or immature.

Anyway, give yourselves some time to adjust, but attempt to talk with your wife and try to share all that is going on in your heads, without taking her comments as an attack, or a call to arms and try to share your feelings without making it sound like an accusation. Try to see her feelings and thoughts as a well informed and caring "outsider". The greatest true intimacy is through the ears, then the brain, leading to the heart. And when the intimacy and trust is there in the heart which came through the ears, somehow the private area gets all excited about it . . . odd how that works!

Good luck.

(oops, I just noticed this was the thread for dads - I hope it is alright that I wrote this)

[cassandra]

6 string daddy
I am surprised you havent received more responses. I commend you for posting here and want to also reflect back to you that this simple action is a statement about you wanting things to be different, thats wonderful.


My husband and I go through very painful and confronting issues since we have been parents.

My suggestion would be that you work firstly to find out exactly what it is that is creating your resentments. Name them, all of it. Maybe with a trusted friend, or a counsellor, if not, perhaps writing it down, any way you can get in touch with you, with what is happening for you.

I think once that is clear for you, then you can attempt to take it to your partner and work carefully to present it in a way that it can be recieved. ("I" statements work well for me, owning what I feel instead of blaming, hard to do when you are PISSED!)

Let us know how it goes, best of luck to you

[papabliss]

Hi 6string,

I agree with revmami that time is necessary. I doubt that you want to hear that, but it’s the best I can offer.

I think that when a child enters into the relationship making it three folks rather than two, then the original relationship must take a turn towards practical responsibility rather than more personal needs and desires.

Unfortunately, there is no turning back so you must love and want your son's mom because if you said you would when you married her, than you better follow through.

The adjustment period following the birth of a child may be years, or even forever for that matter. But to me, that is beauty of a marriage and of child raising. It becomes a forced, or rather chosen-but-unexpected turn in life's events, and it is for the better as long as you have the committment to take your family relationship to a higher level.

I don't mean to get philosophical here but I firmly believe that there is no higher calling than to be a good dad and husband. If there is time left over, you can go out and change the world. But family comes first.

Cheers!

[El Casey S]

I've been gone a few days and haven't been able to see the boards, but that last post reminded me of a saying I read on the desk of a father of 3, "If you want to be a good Dad, then love their mother." I sort of looked over the part in your original saying you didn't know why you felt that way . . . don't you have somewhere in you a few hints that maybe you could work with to help draw that other stuff out?

I hope you are doing better

[familyman]

6string, i dont know if my last post got thru i was called away by my 16 mo son needing his nap. returning to my computer only to find my 7yr son logging onto playmobil .com. ( i have embraced kaos with regards to my kids).
stick with it man there is no higher calling than to be a dad and husband in my book. i too have had feelings of "being a dad is great but husbanding is for the birds" then i see how much mother and children love each other and know for me and mine it would be child abuse to separate our family. I have to ask why can't you stand being in the same room with her? are her needs superseding(sp) yours? if so, why is that a problem? she is a breast feeding mom. i feel our job is to provide a safe loving place for our children. shelter, food, warmth etc. and the best one for that in the first year is the mom. but dont dismay we men get our chance at around 1yr our kids start to be curious about the world and reach for our hands to help them learn.
commitment before ego
this is a huge issue and i wish you all the best . its hard work but it must be done for the sake of our children. i would like to hear more of your story to ask more pin pointed questions. you will find a solution, you must. asking for help is a great step.

[zevulon]

No wisdom to offer you, mate, I just wanted to bump this thread
up again. I read your posting a long time ago and hoped that
things would work through for you and she. Will still hope for you, good luck.

[madmansdad]

I agree that you both probably need some time but I also think you'll need a little more than that. Try to keep in mind that while we are watching our babies grow we can't help but grow along with them. I think couples really need to pay attention to one another to make sure they are growing in the same direction. With a new baby it is really easy to get lazy about your relationship because most of your energy is going to the little one. My wife and I would snap at one another and there were times when we probably didn't like each other very much but we just kept in mind we were tired and under a lot of stress and tried not take ourselves too seriously. We AP but also understand the importance of a date night too, it's amazing what a couple of hours can do.