Well, doesn't this beat all! Bigamy???

[sunfish21]

STBX and I separated months ago and I finally met with the lawyer on Monday to start divorce proceedings. Interestingly enough, in doing some research/background checking on him after he admitted to "almost pathological lying" I learned something new. He never divorced his first wife! We married in Vegas and needed no paperwork. I only found out because I wanted to see what he may have lied about.

So, I don't need a divorce, right? A person cannot be married to two people. I cannot imagine the implications of a sham marriage for the past couple of years. We have a 22 month old and I am due next month. My head is spinning.

However Jerrry Springer this sounds...does anyone have any idea what this means for me/us? Money, rights, etc? I will call the lawyer in the AM and update her; I am sure that she will have some idea where to go from here. Emotionally I have no idea where to go. I did talk to him tonight (after finding and speaking to his--uhm, other wife?--and he says they didn't have the money to file, then he moved away...blah blah blah. Some of you may have other posts of mine recently where he admitted to substance abuse, untreated mental illness, etc...he really thought this would just go away.

I feel like an idiot.

[Theia]

Aww mama. That sucks, but don't be too hard on yourself. You had no way of knowing. And you're not the only one who has been deeply misled about the person you trusted and fell in love with.

On the upside, though, maybe it will make your marriage null and save you some money? IDK anything legally though.

Take care of yourself tonight, a nice warm bath and plenty of rest so that you can deal with this tomorrow with your lawyer.

[Halfasianmomma]

Mama, please be gentle to yourself and DON'T call yourself names! Most people don't go into a new relationship giving their new partner the third degree to find out if he/she is a pathological liar. We generally go in thinking that this person is who he/she says he/she is. I understand feeling bad for being fooled by someone like your STBX, but you could never have known that he was *like this*.

I empathize with your feelings of shock. Last year, I found out through talking with my MIL that my STBX had lied about almost *everything* in his past. He told me he was a professional superstar bank robber with a crew of thieves wanted by the FBI...He told me his real name was something else than what it is now but that his entire family had agreed to change his identity (provided to him by the Yakuza!) to prevent him from being arrested...He told me his mother was an award winning neurosurgeon and his sister a thoracic surgeon...He told me his real father was a French diplomat his mother had had an affair with and that his "adoptive" father didn't know...It was ALL LIES. Boy was I in shock! Eventually, I stopped trying to figure out WHY he would do this or HOW he could do this to me, blah blah blah, and just chose to walk away.

All this to say that your STBX may be suffering from a mental instability, or he may just have been excessively careless in managing his life. Whatever the case may be, this is just another sign to move on, cut ties with this person and focus on yourself.

*hugs* please keep us updated on what your lawyer says...

[sunfish21]

The lawyer said that now the marriage can be annulled and I won't have to do a divorce. There is no mandatory waiting period for an annullment like there would be for a divorce, so at least they can get working on it right away.

[pranamama]

can you have him charged with a crime?

[Halfasianmomma]

Originally Posted by sunfish21

The lawyer said that now the marriage can be annulled and I won't have to do a divorce. There is no mandatory waiting period for an annullment like there would be for a divorce, so at least they can get working on it right away.

Yay. I'm very glad for you.

[NolaRiordan]

Originally Posted by pranamama

can you have him charged with a crime?

Yeah, no kidding. Bigamy is against the law.

And don't beat yourself up about this. We all choose to see the best in a person when we fall in love. I'm sure we all have stories to tell about signs we overlooked and other things we regret later. It happens. Best to move on and put your energy into taking care of your family.

[Kailey's mom]

I couldn't read without saying that I'm so sorry this happened You are right, with the untreated mental illness, he very well could have believed that the "old marriage" would just go away. I'm so sorry!

[sunfish21]

Originally Posted by NolaRiordan

Yeah, no kidding. Bigamy is against the law.

I am not sure if it is up to me or not. The lawyer said something about the courts may prosecute him...in Wisconsin the penalty is up to 1 1/2 years in jail or prison...and several men in 2009 were charged in the state (I did a little reading...). He is really playing it like a small oversight that just needs a form signed; he doesn't seem to get that this means we aren't even married--never were.

Yes, moving on and up in 2010!

[RollerCoasterMama]

Originally Posted by sunfish21

I am not sure if it is up to me or not. The lawyer said something about the courts may prosecute him...in Wisconsin the penalty is up to 1 1/2 years in jail or prison...and several men in 2009 were charged in the state (I did a little reading...). He is really playing it like a small oversight that just needs a form signed; he doesn't seem to get that this means we aren't even married--never were.

Yes, moving on and up in 2010!

It's not up to you. The prosecutors office decides whether they want to do it or not. They might want you to testify, but they could probably still do it without your help based on the paper trail. Two marriage licenses and no divorce filing makes it pretty open and shut.

Interesting that they've done so many recently. I was thinking they wouldn't bother much. But I think Wisconsin is a community property state, so maybe it's a bigger hassle there when it happens? If they do prosecute him, even if he doesn't get jail time, he's going to realize that it has more long-lasting effects than he thinks. All of those job/bank/etc forms that ask if you've ever been charged with a crime...now he'd get to say yes and deal with the ramifications.

What a crummy thing to have to be dealing with.

[organicpapayamama]

wow mama. couldnt read and not post. Though I have not been through the exact same thing I think we have similarities. My stbx and I have been trying to get divorced for the last 2 yrs. its just dragged out for many reasons. During this time he found a new lady... got engaged and had a daughter with her. The thought crossed my mind that he might run to vegas to marry her, which was not my problem or anything, but thought that in order to marry in vegas you wold have to apply for a marriage certificate and they would see that he wasnt single. Guess they do it different there. For all I know they may have done this and she may be under the same impression that you are.

[sunfish21]

WI is a marital property state--is that the same thing? And yes, with both of them knowing they are married and the paper trail I don't think it would be tough.

I just wish I wasn't dealing with this 8 months pregnant. Better to know now than in 5 years, right?

[racheepoo]

WOW. I am so sorry.

[sunfish21]

Paperwork is signed for an anullment and they are asking that I get full placement/cutody. He claims to be going to an inpatient treatment facility in the next few days. So, now I was just never married...odd thought.

[Theia]

I bet that is a really odd thought/feeling. I imagine you were expecting it to be something that would take much longer and possibly even have custody worries.

Annulments are funny, you know? It's telling us that something never happened, yet our experiences tell us otherwise. Let it continue to sink in and acknowledge that it was only a legal thing, not an erasure of the fact that you were ever together.

And be sure to take extra good care of yourself too right now.

[lilyka]

NO need to feel like an idiot. There are a million questions I will ask the next guy I am serious with. not a one of them would have been "can you prove to me you are not currently married" (it is now). who would have ever thought to ask such a thing.

I mean if he was marrying you one would think he was completely divorced, right....

wow.

Do you even have to have it anulled? I mean, your not actually married.

Did your lawyer say anything about how this effects you legally as far as division of property and stuff?

[sunfish21]

Originally Posted by lilyka

NO need to feel like an idiot. There are a million questions I will ask the next guy I am serious with. not a one of them would have been "can you prove to me you are not currently married" (it is now). who would have ever thought to ask such a thing.

I mean if he was marrying you one would think he was completely divorced, right....

wow.

Do you even have to have it anulled? I mean, your not actually married.

Did your lawyer say anything about how this effects you legally as far as division of property and stuff?

I would never have to thought to ask; took him at his word that they were divorced. I like to think that this was a rare exception, but maybe you should ask anyway! Las Vegas didn't require the paperwork that WI would have--which is not why we went there. In face, he says that when it came up he knew that there wasn't time to get the paperwork done for the divorce but read he wouldn't need the copies of the divorce in NV. He thought he could just take care of it when we returned home and no-one would ever have to know. Unfortunately, that was not the case.

I had already paid the retainer for the lawyer for the divorce when I found this out (handed over the money, borrowed from my folks, less than 8 hours earlier...grrr.....). Because of his instability, massive debt, children, name changes, jointly filed taxes, etc...it seems that I do have to do the annulment. It does seem strange that I need a judge to tell me that something that didn't exist...didn't exist. Hopefully it can all get sorted out; but I plan on keeping all the wedding and receptions gifts!!

Then he faces the possibility of prosecution for bigamy. Nice. Still not sure how this all came to pass.

[MeepyCat]

Originally Posted by organicpapayamama

The thought crossed my mind that he might run to vegas to marry her, which was not my problem or anything, but thought that in order to marry in vegas you wold have to apply for a marriage certificate and they would see that he wasnt single. Guess they do it different there. For all I know they may have done this and she may be under the same impression that you are.

It's not just Vegas. The county clerk's office here in MA doesn't check to see that people getting married aren't already married, etc. The form has a bit that says you have to provide documentation of divorce or widowhood if you were previously married, and if you are legally married to someone else, this marriage isn't valid... but they don't check. There was actually a case a few years back where they discovered that the governor's husband hadn't been properly divorced between his second and third marriages.

[mntnmom]

They didn't ask at the courthouse in Flagstaff either. Thank goodness I knew his ex-wife. I never would have occurred to me to question him either! I'm glad this isn't going to be to legally ugly for you.

[organicpapayamama]

Originally Posted by MeepyCat

It's not just Vegas. The county clerk's office here in MA doesn't check to see that people getting married aren't already married, etc. The form has a bit that says you have to provide documentation of divorce or widowhood if you were previously married, and if you are legally married to someone else, this marriage isn't valid... but they don't check. There was actually a case a few years back where they discovered that the governor's husband hadn't been properly divorced between his second and third marriages.

wow! thats scary! im curious as to why they wouldnt check in the first place. what if there is some scam artist or something out there that makes his living off sham marriages???