Only one parent travelling to pick up children

[stacey05]

Hi. We are adopting from Ethiopia and I am considering staying behind while my husband travels to pick them up (only one parent has to travel) I really wanted to travel (and still might), but there are a few things that are making me think I might not. One is hep.A. I am religiously opposed to this vaccine, but feel like there might be a big risk since we will be eating at the orphanage and the children like to feed you with their hands. I am thinking about getting the IG for hep A, but need to research it more. My husband is military and has had every vaccine out there! I have 5 bio kids whose grandmother will have to fly in and watch them...she will, but it is hard on her. Another reason is cost...it would be one less airline ticket.

I just wonder what our kids will think if Mom doesn't go to get them and Dad does. They are 7-9 years old and 4-5 years old, so they are definitely old enough to know and remember! Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

Stacey

[Diane B]

My opinion is that unless your husband is going to be their primary caregiver after they come to the United States, you should go. It would have been harder for my daughter to bond with the non-traveling parent. Others may have different experiences; perhaps your agency/social worker has some insight on this.

Also, unless you are in a position to make visits in the near future, I think visiting your child's birth country when you adopt them is so important to at least get a taste of their home culture, foods, climate, landscape, etc.

[queencarr]

I have 3 children total, 2 adopted from Korea. The first adoption, dh, bio ds, and I all three travelled. It is a phenomenal experience to visit your child's birth country (although dh was stationed there for a year and ds1 and Ihad visited before). He is 4 1/2 now, and lvoes to hear stories about our experiences in Korea, especially on the trip to get him. It is important to him to hear our different perspectives. Our second adopted child was a "surprise" adoption. We were not planning on adopting, but we did, so the planning and reality of the process was much different than the first time around. I travelled with a friend while dh stayed behind with the other two. There were a variety of factors involved in this decision--my then youngest had never been without at least one of us overnight and he was only 3y, $$ (my friend payed for her ticket and expenses), and limited time off of work for dh because we hadn't had time to save up leave, so we only had the 2 week adoption leave. I know it was the best thing for the time with the options we had, but it was much harder on that ds (and me). He was older (1 yr vs 5 1/2m for our middle child), and attachment was harder anyway due to age, temperament, and experiences, but he would have nothing to do with dh for a long while. It really affected the initial relationship between the two of them for a long time, and I think there are still overtones of that today, 1 1/2 years later. Plus, I had to "break the rules" and let my friend help me with his care, becuase he grieving was intense, and I could only carry a screaming, crying 35lb toddler so long before my arms and back and sanity would give out! So my advice is--if it only $, go! You will cherish those memories, and your children will need your first hand accounts of the experience in their adoption journey. I remember details in a different way that dh does of our trips, and both POV are important to our children. The early bonding in those situations can be critical to their short and long term relationships with you. If you are worried about attachment, etc issues of your other kids, I think that is a more serious consideration, but I think it still is worth going if at all possible. As far as the Hep A vaccine, I know that when I was exposed (on a military base no less ) I got the IG. It hurt like crazy and was ice cold, but was was otherwise not bad. I would think you get it prophylactically with a little work.

As an aside, make sure your dh gets his adoption leave--not chargeable as regular leave!! and can be taken in conjunction with regular leave. Also your adoption credit from the military of $2000 per child

[RedOakMomma]

If you can go, you should go. You will only have this one chance to meet your children, to know their history, to know their heritage while it's still their every day lives. It's important not to miss this, especially if it just comes down to $.



Go. Go!

[Tigeresse]

We adopted from China 5.5 years ago and I stayed home with 2 of our ds's, then 4 and 8. DH travelled with our oldest ds, then 12. Although in retrospect the best thing to do would have been to take everybody, I don't think at all that it was a mistake not to go. I had no one I was comfortable leaving my boys with except my mom, and she was 82 at the time....just too much to ask. Youngest ds was very attached and still nursing at that point. Leaving him for 2 weeks and then coming home with a new sister just seemed unfathomable. As it turned out, DH and DS#1 had an awesome experience together in China. When they came home they were exhausted and both got sick. I was fine and able to focus on dd while they recuperated. She was very bonded w/dh, but I wore her and focused a lot of time on just feeding her (she ate all the time) and her attachment eventually become more mommy-centered. As far as seeing her motherland 1st hand, yes I missed that and that is a loss, but I have always been the one way more focused on maintaining a connection with her heritage. I have worked at that a great deal, while dh and ds's just go along for the ride.

I would not at all worry that your bio-kids would somehow think poorly of the fact that your dh travelled and you did not. You are both parents to all these kids and sometimes you need to split duties. For me, and obviously it is different for all kids, it would have been much harder to leave my 4yo and then come back and both focus on him and the baby after a trip of that magnitude. As it was, his needs were met and he was able to let me focus on dd. It worked out fine and almost 6 years later it is a non-issue.

Again, if I had to do it all over I think I would have taken everyone. But if that is not an option for you I really don't think you need to worry too much if you choose not to go yourself. As far as the HepA....dh and ds both got a dose off the vax. Everything was fine AFAIK, but I'm not sure they needed it at all.

[annethcz]

As far as vaccines, when DH and I travelled to Ethiopia to bring home our DS, we didn't get any vaxes, and we had no problem at all.

As far as attachment issues, I think that the transition for the kids will be more difficult if only your DH travels to bring them home, especially if you're the primary caregiver. I also think that I personally am so glad that I travelled to Ethiopia when we adopted our DS. We had the opportunity to meet some of DS's bio family, and I wouldn't have given that up for anything.