Need some advice

[e&tsmom]

This will be kinda lengthy - hope you'll stick around and help me out.

So, Dh and I are selfish. We believe in God and raise our kids in a Christian household, but have trouble denying ourselves for the sake and glory of God. Dh and I, in our oun relationship with each other, are finally on an even keel. Our relationship with Gox waxes and Wanes. I feel the sadness and emptiness more than DH does, I think. Sometimes I want to turn my whole life over to God and just be open to do whatever he would have me do, but then I realize that we will not be moving our family to Africa or adopting tons of kids so then I get bummed out and frustrated. I am fairly sure that DH is very confidant in his relationship with God, stives to make it better and more meaningful, is very spiritual and secure in the knowledge of where he is going after death. Me...not so much. I totally rely on God in the hard times, which I use to prove to myself that i really do believe. I have seen him answer prayers of mine for big things - the health of my father, son, husband. He has helped me become a better wife by listening to him and praying consistently. But, I have stopped going to bible study fpr various reasons and I can see God once again taking a backseat to my own desires. I constantly watch religious programming and listen to christian radio all in an attempt to find that connection again. SO, sometimes I feel like because i havent had that "Damascus Road: experience, I may never fully believe or turn my life to God. Of course, then I feel ashamed because I know it is better to believe without proof. So, I am feeling quite out there at this moment. Dh tries to help, but his unending resolve seems to frustrate me rather than help me. On top of that, DH and I would like to try for another baby. I suggested we pray for this entire month to see if this is what God would have us do (Dh has a few reservations, as do I, but again they are for selfish reasons). But, i cannot pray for it. I try, but my mind wanders aand I end up praying that our baby will be healthy rather than if this is what God wans for us. I really do want to know if God would want us to be better parents to the ones we have (not better as in we are not good now, just better because we'll have more time for 2 than three), or have another. But, I feel selfish for wanting more, I feel sad because mine are getting bigger and I weant another baby, Dh is worried about health risks now that we are getting a bit older (we are NOT old, but we had scares with the others so he thinks time may be against us), plus he likes to do fun things and those will be limited if we have another baby.

I know I rambled. If any of you have made it this far I really appreciate it. I am not quite sure what I need advice on first, or even exactly. I just need someone to share some thoughts. I feel kinda sad and lonely. Though, everything is as good as it has ever been in my life, not including spiritual life.

[wombatclay]

Big hugs... sometimes just writing things "out loud" can be a good way to organize thoughts and figure out what is really going on. So keep writing!

To be up front..;. I'm not christian, though I was raised that way. So I can't relate to everything you're saying. However, I think the desire to "be" or "do" more spiritually is universal. No matter what religious path you follow there will be times where you feel like you should be doing more, believing more, acting on those beliefs more.... more more more.

For me, I find that when this happens, when I'm swamped by what seems like an impossible list of "what I should be doing" it helps to pick just one thing and work on that. So commit to ten minutes of prayer a day, or commit to reading one psalm a day, or commit to saying a grace before every meal/snack/beverage. Not all of them at once, but just one thing at a time. Do that one thing for a month... and then add something to that practice.

I'm not saying ignore the other aspects of your faith in favor of whatever it is you commit to, but to cut yourself some slack... admit that you've got issues to work on and places to improve, pick one simple attainable practice, and then do it. Make whatever it is an integral part of your life but don't worry about all the other things you're not doing. And at the end of the month, add something new to your practice and do those two things every day for a month. And so on.

You don't need to move to Africa to reach out to others... there is plenty of need close to home. So perhaps decide to serve one meal a week at a local soup kitchen (growing up my family did this, there were jobs for my little brother and I to do as well) or volunteer at a women's shelter one day a week. Instead of worrying that you haven't adopted a dozen children, perhaps knit a hat for the local NICU or a blanket for Project Linus, or volunteer at a charity that assists children or volunteer at your church nursery once a month.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you should be gentle with yourself. If you get overwhelmed you wont do even the small things... so pick one, small, specific, doable thing at a time and work from there. And before you know it you will be living the life you desire.

Hang in there and I hope you find your path!

[javilu]

nak

i just finished reading a book you might like. it's by a rabbi, but it draws from many faiths and it is called "the sacred art of lovingkindness" by rami shapiro. it has ways to know and honor god in our everyday lives and interactions. and it recognizes that god can feel unknowable sometimes. for myself, i see god in my relationships with my family, and that helps make god feel much closer than an abstract "other."

[javilu]

also, babies are a blessing, and parents of three kids aren't necessarily worse parents than parents of two kids. =D