Breastfeeding is damaging the relationship I have with my daughter

[blueridgewoman]

My very, very (very, very, very, VERY) high needs daughter is still nursing at 27 months. When I was pregnant and when she was a newborn, I knew that I wanted to allow her to keep nursing for as long as she wanted and allow her to self wean but now...

She used to nurse all night long, to the point that she was clearly exhausted and had huge dark circles under her eyes, so we nightweaned. That went slightly better than I had expected and while she still has trouble with waking up at 4am thinking that it's morning and time to nurse (despite the whole "we nurse when the sun comes up" deal), she's done well. She went from waking every 30-45 minutes to sleeping straight through from about midnight to six am with one or two wakings on either side of that (she generally has a bedtime of 9pm and gets up around 8am). She seems much more rested and relaxed now.

The side effect of nightweaning was that she began nursing every chance she got during the day. There was a time that I couldn't even sit down because I knew she'd latch right on-- it was at least every 20 minutes and if I sat for a long period of time, she could easily nurse the entire time- up to an hour or more. I couldn't even HOLD her without her wanting to nurse, and forget cuddling or taking a bath with her.

So this past month, we've been nursing three times a day- morning, nap time, and bed time. She again adapted to this schedule more easily than I'd anticipated, but it's definitely been difficult for her. Adding to the displeasure is the fact that she's cutting at least her bottom two molars and is kind of a mess right now. That began right after I cut the nursing down and I feel bad about that but knew I had to be consistent. She's not in terrible pain, but it doesn't help.

The real issue is that she is incapable of sleeping without me, and I can't put her down for a nap or bedtime without nursing her for an hour and then laying there while she sleeps (she's been nursing through her entire nap lately because if I refuse her, she's just awake, and that's not good for anyone since it's my only relaxing time). The only down time I get is when she's sleeping and that's spent in bed with her which is a little depressing. It also means I can't go out at night, and my day from 2-5pm is totally blocked off.

After her molars come in, I really want to wean her. I'm starting to feel incredibly used and honestly, occasionally almost sexually assaulted when she nurses. I realize that part of that is teething- I have blisters and nursing isn't comfortable for me right now- but to me, if I'm miserable and feeling trapped about nursing her at this point, does that mean I should stop? Or do I attempt to keep soldiering through? I know I'll nurse her through the rest of the winter for the immunity benefits, but...

I'm feeling sad about the fact that I really wanted to CLW and I know I'll look back and regret, perhaps, weaning her "so soon." (My mainstream friends and family laugh hysterically when I say this since she's over 2 )

Just...advise me. I'm hoping that there are other mamas who were committed to CLW and then had a change of heart.

[buttercups.nest]

I don't have any personal experience to tell you about but just wanted to say I'm here listening. BIG HUGS TO YOU! You sound incredibly overwhelmed and really I can't blame you. I would too!

My good friend and I have been talking about breastfeeding etc...she has always said to me, do it until it no longer mutually desired. Breastfeeding for you is obviously no longer working....if I were you I would find a way to stop and not feel guilty! You have nursed her until she is over 2 years...that is quite the accomplishment!

I hope you find a solution that works...keep us posted!

[bobandjess99]

Well..I consider nursing to fulfill 2 main roles, 1 is nutrition, and 1 is comfort. I woudl come up with alternatives to help meet her needs in those areas,m without nursing.

You didn't mention how she is eating. I woudl try to replac some of the daytime nursing with food. I would have food always available and sippies full of other beverages always available and whenever she asks to nurse, say "oh, you're HUNGRY? Here, have this food." If refused, ask about a drink "Oh, are you thirsty? Here's your sippy."
I did this with DS, and it worked really well.
If she wants the comfort, then cuddle with her, but without nursing. If she tries to nurse, again, offer the food. Gwet her used to the fact that if sheneeds comfort, she can have cuddles, and if she needs food, she can have food, but that nursing is no longer an option sometimes.

I will say i pushed through an awful nursing situation like this with dd, in my pursuit of CLW, and really, really regretted it. It really made me HATE her, hate being a mom, hate everythjign about life. It was an awful situation, dd picked up on my resentment and unhappiness, it was awful for everyone. We finally weaned at 2.5 years, after an AWFUL year or so. Everyone was SO much happier once it was over. Honestly..it almost became like an abusive relationship..i hated it, but felt like I "had to" keep going, and it would go through "honeymoon" periods where it wasn't so bad, but then get awful again where I couldn't stand it...and she was SO upset, because sometimes she'd get milky asnd sometimes mommmy would get SO angry at her for wanting milky, and it had to have been confusing for her....it really was a very bad situation.
With ds, i told myself "never again", so when we started getting to the same point where I was starting to become REALLY unhappy about it, we weaned. MY plan was to do a gentle weaning for him, and end about on his 2nd birthday, but he rebelled against the gentle weaning, and pretty much stopped cold turkey...it was like he thought "if I can't have it whenever I want, I don't want it at all, so there!". So, he actually weaned a few months prior to 2. We are now all very happy and healthy.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by blueridgewoman

I'm starting to feel incredibly used and honestly, occasionally almost sexually assaulted when she nurses.

This right here kind of tells it all, IMO. I think if you are feeling *that* badly about nursing her, you need to set more limits or encourage her to wean. I love the idea of CLW & plan to do that with my now 11-mo DS but I hope that if I ever get to the point you're at, SOMEONE will help me realize it's OK to let go (of CLW)... You have done an amazing thing by nursing her so long. Maybe you'll feel better once she's done teething, or with a few more limits, etc. but if not, you need to take YOUR needs into account. If you resent the nursing relationship, your daughter probably senses it to some extent... it can't be healthy for either of you.

[zinemama]

Sounds like time to wean, for sure. CLW doesn't work for everyone. You have nursed her a long time. Take care of yourself.

[pdxcox]

I could have written your post about my son (28months) with a few exceptions. I WOH so he naps perfectly well without me when i'm at work, but as soon as I walk in the door its all "minutes" (his word for nursing) all the time. I try to avoid sitting down anywhere he can see me, if he gets engaged in an activity I sneak around as not to interrupt because no matter how fun what he's doing is, minutes always trump it.

Its REALLY hard to have that be the only thing he wants from me. i want to be able to cuddle him, play with him and do all those things without feeling like I'm just a big boob.

So mama, i'm with you and not sure what the right move is. We've tried limits and it seems to make him more insistent, more upset and our whole house less peaceful. So for now i grit my teeth and bare it. Not the best solution, but all I can do for now.
I hope you find something to help you!

[BaBaBa]

Originally Posted by blueridgewoman

Just...advise me. I'm hoping that there are other mamas who were committed to CLW and then had a change of heart.

I could have written your post about a year ago.

Just after DD turned 2, something changed in me and I hated and resented nursing. I thought it was maybe a phase I was going through and stuck it out but it never got better.

That's when I started setting limits. First I night weaned. Then I made serious limits during the day, slowly working it down to one quick session before bed. She could nurse only as long as it took me to sing 'twinkle twinkle little star' and then one day she just stopped asking. The whole process took roughly 6 months.

Don't beat yourself up about it. I realize now my annoyance was nature's way of making us both move on. Completely natural Ever see a mother animal with an older baby? That hostility was exactly how I felt.

[slwathen]

I agree that if you are feeling the way that you describe, something needs to be done. Your feelings are very important, and remember that this is a very special relationship, but that relationships involve TWO people and that both should be fulfilled in a healthy one.

I can not deny that I have felt similar feelings of resentment and frustration. When my son plays, pinches, hits, scratches my chest or even blows raspberries on my nipple!!! when nursing, I get so upset.... after hours of laying there being patient! Believe me that you are not alone! I feel like I'm fighting him off sometimes when I'm trying to having this loving relationship!

Practically, though, here are a few things that I have done to get him to sleep better without me during both naptime and bedtime, when I'm not ready to sleep yet:

1. I have a cd that loops womb sounds that I bought from iTunes that he loves and that helps block out other sounds that might wake him up.

2. I taped up tin foil over his windows, under the blinds to keep out most of the light so that it is nice and dark in the middle of the day.

3. I have non-fire candles with a timer that come on and give that candle glow and relaxing smell to set the mood.

I have been told by many, adults and kids alike that this room is so relaxing that THEY want to lay there and sleep in all the time! btw, it is underwater-themed!

[lotusdebi]

I agree that you should set and enforce more nursing boundaries and work towards weaning. What stands out for me, though, is your description of your daughter as being very very very (ad infinitum) high needs. Have you explored that? I ask because my older son displayed a lot of the same behaviors at that age, and we eventually found out that he has sensory processing disorder. In addition to a bunch of other sensory issues, he's an oral sensory-seeker. Even now, at age 7, he's constantly chewing or sucking on something (toys, shirts, fingernails, and if we're lucky - carrots and gum). He also had a really hard time sleeping and staying asleep, and so he takes melatonin every night to get the rest he needs. This is the best page I've found for determining if sensory processing disorder is an issue. Maybe it'll help:
http://www.sensory-processing-disord...checklist.html

Good luck to you!

[averlee]

I just had a quick thought. I get most irritated with nursing when my most basic needs are going unmet. Like, if I get in a habit of staying up too late, or drinking cola, or skipping breakfast then my rest/hydration/nutrition slides, and maybe I don't have enough reserves to just keep nursing and nursing and nursing. More snacks and drinks, like juice, can make me feel better and not so annoyed by my nursing kid, who's 32 months.

[blueridgewoman]

Yep, my basic needs are being met- I eat well, sleep as well as I can, exercise, etc.....and during nursing at naptime, I treat myself to coffee and a bit of chocolate, and then I watch TV on the computer when she's asleep. It's a good mix of pampering vs health, I think, and I've never felt better physically. Except for the nursing.

And yes, she is getting evaulated for a SPD, absolutely. She has a lot of symptoms and I don't doubt that it's a very real possibility for her. I just...even though I try to tell myself that's the reason, I still feel resentful. Which in turn makes me feel worse.

It really made me HATE her, hate being a mom, hate everythjign about life. It was an awful situation, dd picked up on my resentment and unhappiness, it was awful for everyone. We finally weaned at 2.5 years, after an AWFUL year or so. Everyone was SO much happier once it was over. Honestly..it almost became like an abusive relationship..i hated it, but felt like I "had to" keep going, and it would go through "honeymoon" periods where it wasn't so bad, but then get awful again where I couldn't stand it...and she was SO upset, because sometimes she'd get milky asnd sometimes mommmy would get SO angry at her for wanting milky, and it had to have been confusing for her....it really was a very bad situation.

THIS IS IT EXACTLY. I could not have worded it better myself.

I think I'll wait until the end of January and then start the process in earnest. I've just cut her down to 3x a day and knowing it will be over soon will keep me going, hopefully.

[D_McG]

I was never massively into CLW but it sounded like an OK plan to me. Well... I was totally unprepared for the breastfeeding aversion I hit right around when I got pregnant (actually, a little before). I didn't hesitate to wean. It was crystal clear to me that it was no longer natural or OK. (not saying it's always unnatural obviously but for me and my son we had really gone astray.)

I weaned and things were good again. It was just time.

[SnglAPmama]

First of all, hugs to you! It sounds you're in a very difficult situation. I can relate a bit, but my daughter is not a high needs child. There have been times when she has wanted to nurse all day for a few days at a time and I would get to the point where I was feeling very upset, angry, sore etc. One thing that helped me (and I think is very important in a lot of ways) was to be honest with my daughter about my feelings. I would tell her (and still do sometimes) that "boo boos" (her word for nursing) are part of my body and I share them with her, they do not belong to her. I told her that sometimes it is ok for me to say no to nursing but I offer her other food/beverage, or to read a book, or to sing songs or play a game. Fingerplays have helped us a lot, they distract but are also comforting and sensory (and fun). I have noticed now my daughter has begun to tell me how she feels, and I encourage it, but I think me telling her my feelings kind of put the idea in her head that it is ok to have the feelings that you feel! It's also ok to talk about them, and can help to say "I feel resentful/frustrated/angry when this happens" I hope you figure out a solution that works for you!!! Good luck!

[readytobedone]

my personal feeling is that if she was able to cut down to 3 times a day that easily, she is wean-able (funny word ) now without trauma.

i have no scientific basis for this claim, but it just makes sense to me. if she were totally hysterically attached to nursing, i don't think she'd go down to 3 so easily, do you?

my DD is a bit older (as you know ), and she is down to about the same number of nursings (though not systematically nightweaned). i think if i wanted to wean her now, it wouldn't be all that hard, but i don't really have any reason to so i haven't. tentatively planning to CLW but that could change if my feelings change, yk?

you sound understandably miserable, though, and i would totally wean in that situation

ETA: i just wanted to add that we still have the issue of me having to lie there for awhile while she falls asleep and gets totally asleep, even though she no longer nurses to sleep. (she nurses before sleep, but not to sleep.) so just be forewarned that weaning might not solve that problem!

[claddaghmom]

I have never heard of a child nursing so much that they become sleep-deprived. This, to me, would indicate an underlying issue and that the child was trying to get something important through nursing. The situation reminds me of when doctors tell moms to wean FTT kids.

How is her solid intake? Could she have allergies or sensitivies? Is she physically in pain? And can you be confident in her ability to communicate that to you? One of my sister in laws had really bad teeth from infancy onwards. When she was 5 they pulled them out and cleaned the gum tissue. She said, "Wow, is this what it feels like?" She had been in pain the entire time but didn't know any different.

[frontierpsych]

I feel ya.

It has not been QUITE that bad for me, but DS is only 16 months, and it has been getting more difficult. He is also pretty high needs, and has multiple food allergies to boot, meaning I can't have many of my favorite foods, because he's nursing. It definitely does take a toll. I plan to keep it up at least until he is 2 and go from there, but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.