lying or joking...can she tell the difference?

[JillyD]

DD is 4. She has taken to telling "un-truths" - it's not totally a lie b/c she thinks she is making a joke. At least I think that is what is going on. But, it seems like she is lying/joking all.the.time. and it is driving me nuts. I try to explain to her that when you lie, you break someone's trust but I dont' think she has any clue what trust is. She asks me but man, trust is hard to explain.

So, anyone have any ideas on what to do? what to say to her? should i stop her from telling these little lies/jokes? It's very confusing to all of us b/c it seems like I never really know whether she is talking about something real, something she made up, something someone else told her, or something she wants to be true.

[Ravenlunatic]

I would actually need some specific examples to really be able to help. I think you are right in that a 4 year old cannot grasp what trust is. I would also guess that true 'lies' are not happening quite yet. Can you give some examples? Can you just ask her questions about what she is saying to clarify or play along. Does her antics actually require a response?

[LynnS6]

When my kids tell me something I know it's true, I usually make it even more absurd. "J doesn't have any sisters" (J has 2 sisters, and we saw one of them the day before). "Oh really? And did her moms move out too? Does she live all alone in that great big house? Who brings her to school?" Or "No sisters? I thought she had 12 sisters?!" That usually brings the response "oh mom, you're so silly."

If they tell me something I'm not sure is true, I'll say something non-committal like "Oh, wouldn't that be nice? What I'd really like is..." Sometimes that leads to some nice conversations about what we wish.

Otherwise, I just try really hard not to put my kids in a position where they would have to tell me an out and out lie. So, if I come downstairs and find paper crumpled and shredded all over the floor, I"ll say "Holy Moly this place is a mess! Come help me clean it up." I do NOT ask "Who made this mess?" Honestly, at the time, I don't care. And my kids will tell me anyway. I can then respond "I didn't ask who did it, I just asked you to help me clean up." It's hard to argue with that.

[JL83]

At this age they will often say what they *wish* was true. And it very quickly becomes true in their heads.

From what I've read, children aren't really reliable until they are closer to 8 or 9.

Personally, I would back entirely off telling her stuff about losing trust and things like that. Even though you aren't punishing her, she knows those are consequences that she doesn't want. So that will make it much less likely for her to be able to back down from saying something that's not true. That's just a product of the stage of moral development she's in. The fear of negative consequences will prevent her from telling the truth.

My own favorite approach is to commiserate with the kid. "You wish you'd already put your jacket away. I do too. But, I think I can see it on the floor, maybe you could try again." If they are more joking then I try to joke too.

[Gentle~Mommy :)]

I feel bad about this (please no flames ) but my son was getting a little carried away with fibbng and no matter what I said he just didn't get it. So one day I fibbed to him, he woke up from his nap and I said there was a big surprise for him on the dining room table, of course he went running down to get it and the table was empty.

Then I told him I fibbed and there was nothing for him. He cried and was so mad at me, I cried and felt so guilty and terrible, but he UNDERSTANDS now, he knows how mad he felt and understands how mad I felt when he was doing it. We haven't had any issues since (about 6 months now, he was 4 1/2 when I did this)

[J. Jones]

DS 5 and I have reached a good understanding with "lying/fibbing". I realized he was exaggerating stories - like saying four kids at school have broken arms. I said, "really, hmmm, I'm going to ask your teacher about that." Then he got all nervous and begged me not to because really it wasn't true. First I explained the problem with lying is that it can get you into big trouble and will always come back to hurt you. I pointed out that he knew it wasn't ok, that's why he was worried I'd talk to the teacher.

I then told him I could tell making up stories was really fun for him, and that it is ok to make up stories as long as he told me they were made up first. It worked! Now when he starts lying he'll stop himself and say, "wait, mama, this is a made up story, ok?" I say ok, then play along like I believe him, which is the part he seems to like.

We'll see how long the strategy lasts.