How do I teach my 12 month old to share?

[LilacMama]

My 12 month old DD is pretty strong and always goes up to other babies her age (plus or minus a few months) and YANKS their toys/pacifiers away from them and scampers offs. It's kindof funny but I'm not sure how to teach her not to do this. She ALWAYS wants whatever the other baby has. Any suggestions?

My husband and I were talking about how WE yank stuff away from her all the time -- if she's gotten something that's not appropriate for her to have we just take it. How can we set a better example?

Thanks!

[betsyj]

Quite simply you can't. She is nowhere near being developmentally able to share. Even as a toddler it is unlikely she will grasp the concept.

You can certainly model sharing and turn taking (as long as your expectations are that it won't make any difference until she is much older) and rather then grabbing things from her I would trade items of interest. Also, I would walk around and really make everything at her level things she can touch as much as possible. I am a huge fan of babies being able to explore their home environment without constant no touches.

[rlmueller]

Sorry

You don't. That comes around 2 1/2 - 3 years old. You only guide and encourage so a good base is set for when she is developementally ready for it.

[octobermom]

Agreeing with the others much too young. True sharing actually wont really come till closer to ages 4 or 5 though beging stages around 2-3 years... Sharing is a very advanced stage it requires and understanding of object permentance which a one year old does not have yet it requires they understand they have minds outside of another person also not understood at a year and its a two way street sharing requires 2 willing partners..
at a year it will be up to you to keep boundries in what she "can" and "can't" take from others. As in you'll have to gently return things and gently and appropiatly redirrect her to other activities if she needs it.
In a few years the natural progression to sharing will emerge around 2-3 parrell play will come in you'll find you can suddenly say have a bucket of blocks and two kids "share" the bucket except they will be in there own worlds around 3-4 they start the "rules" who ever is tallest wins who ever say Boo first gets to choose BOO! games that wont make a lot of sense and to an adult often seem unfair even but to them its the begining of really understanding I can have thoughts ALL on my own and I can play a role in deciding how things work a HUGE need step for tru sharing... Then the truth and conquences comes... Hummm I asked and they said no so when HE asks I'll say no! or better when she asked I said yes maybe when I'll ask they'll say yes.. Another stage that can be frustrating for the parents that always want peace but its still a very needed development stage... and finially true sharing.. Two people agreeing to take a divided intrest in something used together and properly returned when done.
That will simpily not happen at a year.

Deanna

[Kivgaen]

All of the above mamas have said "you can't, 12 mo. is too young", but that doesn't really answer your question of what you can do now to help her develop those qualities as early as is possible.

Being mindful of when you and DH take things away from her is a good start. Instead of just grabbing things away from her, you can model appropriate behavior of what she should do when she wants something another child has. Saying things like "that isn't safe for you to have. Can you give it to mommy please?" -- if she doesn't give it to you right away, and you are worried, then say "excuse me please -- I have to take this away from you now. This is for grown-ups, not kids".

When you are playing with her, you can also model sharing by giving things to her and telling her it's her turn. Then asking -- can I have a turn now? Ohh -- thank you for sharing! I like to play with (whatever it is...).

Watch closely for when she does give toys to other babies or children. Comment on how nice it is that she has shared her toys with others. (Or comment on how nice other children are being when THEY share the toys with your DD. Say Thank-you for sharing your toys!)

[LilacMama]

Thanks everyone! Helpful replies! Parenting is hard.

[meemee]

yes it is. and it is constantly changing. what works one day doesnt work the other day.

so here is a series of books that might help you. its old - written in the 1950s so dont take the discipline into account but it gives a pretty good outline what kids go thru each age. and most of it has been v. helpful for me.

it is called Your __ year old" by Louise Bates Ames and they go from 0 to 12 i think.
http://www.amazon.com/Your-Five-Year.../dp/0440506735

[sapphire_chan]

What you do is watch her around other babies and when she moves in to grab the toy you scoop her up and say something like "BabyA is using that, oooo, come look at this exciting and/or identical toy over here!"

Since you know what she likes to do, there should rarely be a chance for her to actually grab away a toy and for you to have to take one back from her as you do with unsafe objects.

[SunshineJ]

I disagree that a 1 yr old can't grasp the basic concept of sharing. Certainly not the advanced nuances, no, but both of my children were selectively willing to share when asked at that age.

Things we did to teach them were first and foremost to share with them. If I had a cookie or something that I was ok with them having, I'd offer to share it. In doing so, I also used the word we chose for sharing, which was coincidentally, "share". "Do you want to share mommy's cookie?" then as I gave them a piece "here I'll share with you". By something like 12 - 15 months they would normally share what they had if asked, and would often offer spontaniously. I saw this with several (though not all by any means) kids in their daycare, so I don't think it's isolated.

This, however, does not mean that they still wouldn't try to take toys from other children that they wanted or that they were perfect about it. I don't think yanking something from another child is really sharing but more respecting who has the toy. Mine are now older and they STILL do this on occasion! We've just been consistent about not pulling something out of someone else's hands - including us doing that to them. They've mostly got it by now. Mostly.

[joanna0707]

I usually tell DS that we need to ask if we want something from someone but he also needs to remember that this person has the right to say 'no', I tell DS he has the same right, this way I'm teaching him to be assertive to

Also, when DS shares toys with other children I tell him how it makes others feel. I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do though, few days ago I've read a piece by Naomi Aldort, where she writes that by doing this we take the pleasure of sharing away from our children, they start doing it to please others not because it feels good. I have to think about it some more.

IMO the best way to teach sharing is by modeling.
DS often wants my food, so I tell him "this is my plate but I will share with you", after I say that he lets go of my plate. Lately he started offering us his food

[octobermom]

Originally Posted by SunshineJ

I disagree that a 1 yr old can't grasp the basic concept of sharing. Certainly not the advanced nuances, no, but both of my children were selectively willing to share when asked at that age.

Things we did to teach them were first and foremost to share with them. If I had a cookie or something that I was ok with them having, I'd offer to share it. In doing so, I also used the word we chose for sharing, which was coincidentally, "share". "Do you want to share mommy's cookie?" then as I gave them a piece "here I'll share with you". By something like 12 - 15 months they would normally share what they had if asked, and would often offer spontaniously. I saw this with several (though not all by any means) kids in their daycare, so I don't think it's isolated.

This, however, does not mean that they still wouldn't try to take toys from other children that they wanted or that they were perfect about it. I don't think yanking something from another child is really sharing but more respecting who has the toy. Mine are now older and they STILL do this on occasion! We've just been consistent about not pulling something out of someone else's hands - including us doing that to them. They've mostly got it by now. Mostly.

thats not true sharing though (IF we want to be picky) I do agree that there are many many kids that can be "sharing" and generous even at a very young age I also had that child actually shes was almost too willing to jsut give up whatever to another Deffiently model deffiently encourage deffiently deffiently but true total flat out agreed by both two way sharing wont "truly" come for quite a few years.
Sharing at ANY level really wont jsut suddenly appear without them seeing it modeled encouraging turn taking seeing mommy and daddy sharing incorporting games with first second third rules and turns, teaching respect of no and asking ect are all great things to start on now and will lead to true sharing when they are ready.

[sapphire_chan]

Thing is, she *is* trying to share. She's trying to share the other baby's toy. And I don't think there's any reason the other baby needs to share. And I don't think it's "sharing" for her to give the toy back.

[mamazee]

Babies like to play by handing things and taking things, but that isn't really sharing. That motivation isn't behind it. It's just a game they're playing with you, and that game will eventually help teach them to share, but they aren't getting the concept and to get upset with a baby for grabbing stuff is an exercise in futility.

Originally Posted by SunshineJ

I disagree that a 1 yr old can't grasp the basic concept of sharing. Certainly not the advanced nuances, no, but both of my children were selectively willing to share when asked at that age.

Things we did to teach them were first and foremost to share with them. If I had a cookie or something that I was ok with them having, I'd offer to share it. In doing so, I also used the word we chose for sharing, which was coincidentally, "share". "Do you want to share mommy's cookie?" then as I gave them a piece "here I'll share with you". By something like 12 - 15 months they would normally share what they had if asked, and would often offer spontaniously. I saw this with several (though not all by any means) kids in their daycare, so I don't think it's isolated.

This, however, does not mean that they still wouldn't try to take toys from other children that they wanted or that they were perfect about it. I don't think yanking something from another child is really sharing but more respecting who has the toy. Mine are now older and they STILL do this on occasion! We've just been consistent about not pulling something out of someone else's hands - including us doing that to them. They've mostly got it by now. Mostly.

[Llyra]

Time. That's all. And lots of appropriate modeling. It comes on slowly as they get closer to the preschool years, and even plenty of kids age 3 to 5 have trouble with it, especially when they just WANT something badly.

In the meantime, though, you have to stay close to baby, and rely on containing the behavior-- distract baby, offer alternatives, gently insist on returning snatched objects, make apologies yourself to the child who's been snatched from. Stay calm, too, and make it clear that you understand everybody's hurt feelings in the situation.