Advice on how to handle arguing

[Auraji]

Hello everyone!
It's my first time posting in this area of the forums. Im the mother of a 8 months old baby girl and stepmother of a 4 year old boy. I love them both incredibly much.
Dss is a very special kid. I met him when he was 1 1/2 and he barely talked then, would just play with his trains. I noticed that he would act out in front of DP and I told him that I thought he was just trying to get his attention and he should play more with him. have more one on one time. I just want to tell the background story. Dss was born when his mom was 18 and DP 20. They were both drug addicts until long after he was born. At that time I think it was coke and opiates. He has always been around a lot of people, "partying" people and "someone" is always babysitting with him. When Dp and his mom broke up, his mom moved in with another guy right away (like the same day) this guy lived with his whole family. Mom, dad, sister and the boyfriend, brother and the boyfriend. Then she moved back at home. Her dad and stepmom are also drug users. He has moved a total of 8 times and the whole time he has been spending half the week with his mom and half the week with DP. DP has been clean for a long time, there have been occasional slios (but they have been a one time thing) and is working in being a better parent. His mom is now married and expecting another baby boy in April. She seems more stable too. She got sober when she found out she was pregnant I believe.

Im saying all of this because I feel all this instability, having so many different people as caregivers at one time or another and his parents focused on partying and having fun when he was a baby are the reason why he now behaves like he does.

He has always been very hyperactive. This has improved a bit, because I've been SLOWLY trying to get him to eat better food, watch less tv. He is very defiant. He has spit on DP and me. Will yell, scream, kick. He gets easily frustrated if he can take a shirt off or put a toy together and will curse and kick and bang things. His new thing if you make him wait for anything or you say, yes but please clean this toys first is to say "fine, then i wont go out to play" goes upstair to his room bands the door close and starts SCREAMING. He kicked a baby at his daycare. He wont dd play with any of his toys (im trying to mention a lot sharing, like if he sits on the couch and its cold, i say let's share the blanket, it's nice to share). He gets mad if he sees anybody getting a present, even if there's something for him too. If you're talking to him about something important, he will tell you I dont want you to talk to me and walk away and turn the tv on. He sometimes gets drop off here and spends 1 hour screaming and crying and kicking and banging his head against the wall. I feel like he doesnt spend enough time with his mom. He's usually here from Thursday evening to Sunday evening and she works full time during the week. So I think besides that every kid loves being with their mom, misses her.

The arguing keeps escalating and I dont think any of us is handling it correctly. His mom argues back at him and says that she's gonna start yelling at him. DP makes empty threats like saying you wanna go to your room? but doesnt do anything and he KNOWS he wont do anything. I usually try to talk to him, but at times I get really mad so I just ignore him. Im thinking we should all sit down and talk, we cant change the past, but we can make things better now. I think it's important for all of us to be on the same page. If anybody has books recommendations, I'd feel more comfortable saying to his mom let's read this. It'll help us, than I think we should do this and that. I feel she'd be more receptive to "professional" advice.

I love him. He's a very special kid, has a great imagination. He's very loving and cuddly and is very kind and says nice things all day. Likes to help, is smart. I just dont know, he lately seems to be arguing all day long, even when it comes to fun things. I've been trying to keep him happy. C'mon let's go for a walk, let's go play in the snow. Having kids over, but is not working and I dont want this to escalate into something really bad.

[Addy's Mom]

Has he been evaluated for any type of developmental disability due to possible drug or alcohol use by his mother while pregnant? The reason I ask is a lot of his behaviors sound a lot like fetal alcohol syndrome to me. I don't know much about drug use while pregnant, but that perhaps also can cause some behavioral issues (like the oppositional behavior you are describing). I'd get him evaluated first to see if there are any underlying issues like that, because if there are, there are therapies out there targeted toward behavior modification.

Other than that, I would set up very strict boundaries and be as close to 100% consistent as possible when enforcing boundaries and discipline. Have a strict schedule of waking up (no sleeping late on weekends), meal times, activity times, bed time, etc.

Get him outside, even if it's just for a walk or an hour or so at a playground.
And keep reinforcing things like patience, taking turns, sharing, etc. I keep telling my son to have patience, "which means you'll get what you want, just not as quickly as you want it."

You sound like a great mom, hang in there.

[Auraji]

Originally Posted by Addy's Mom

Has he been evaluated for any type of developmental disability due to possible drug or alcohol use by his mother while pregnant? The reason I ask is a lot of his behaviors sound a lot like fetal alcohol syndrome to me. I don't know much about drug use while pregnant, but that perhaps also can cause some behavioral issues (like the oppositional behavior you are describing). I'd get him evaluated first to see if there are any underlying issues like that, because if there are, there are therapies out there targeted toward behavior modification.

Other than that, I would set up very strict boundaries and be as close to 100% consistent as possible when enforcing boundaries and discipline. Have a strict schedule of waking up (no sleeping late on weekends), meal times, activity times, bed time, etc.

Get him outside, even if it's just for a walk or an hour or so at a playground.
And keep reinforcing things like patience, taking turns, sharing, etc. I keep telling my son to have patience, "which means you'll get what you want, just not as quickly as you want it."

You sound like a great mom, hang in there.

Thanks for the advice!

I know that she found out she was pregnant when she was already 4 months. Im pretty sure she stopped using drugs/alcohol when she found out. Except for weed here and there and her percocet/oxycodone "prescription".

I never thought that could be the reason. I always felt like maybe he acted like this because of all the changes/craziness he has been around. I just dont think any of them would be receptive to the idea of having him checked out for a developmental disability and they'd be defensive and would feel like I think he's bad/a problem, which is not the case. I feel like we cant ignore what's happening, which is different.

On the strict scheduling. This is something I need to work on myself. I've never been good with following a routine and I've been trying harder and harder to keep things more consistent. He never sleeps late, always wakes up way early, but he does go to bed late when he sleeps here. DP lets him stay up because is the weekend. He also lets him fall asleep in the couch and after he falls asleep takes him up to his bed. He then wakes up at night scared of shadows/bad dreams/ wanting a toy/wanting to come downstairs/ asking for milk. I've been telling DP that I feel he needs to get him used to fall asleep in his room (he does that at his mom's house) because it'd reduce him waking up scared. I feel the scariest part is falling asleep somewhere and waking up somwhere else.

I've been interacting with him a lot more while he's here. If Im cleaning, I let him "help" me, same with cooking. We go outside to draw on the sidewalk, walk to the store, play on the backyard. I always mention patience too, say yes, but you have to wait a bit. The sharing part has been the hardest, yesterday he said so meanly to dd "NEVER TOUCH MY TOYS EVER AGAIN!". He likes the idea of sharing her toys, just not his and I ask him how would he feel if Sophia only liked sharing his toys, but not hers. Whenever Im trying to make him understand something is followed with a "mmmm", looking down.

Thanks for saying Im a good mom. I sometimes feel bad because I second guess myself a lot more as a stepmom than as a mom. I always wonder am I thinking this because Im not really his mom? Or is this really how it is?

DP got happy today, because he found cute drawings on the backyard and all of our names written on the sidewalk. He told me Im a good mom too. I try to be and I try to always play with him and be silly and have fun. I also try to always tell him whenever Im telling him something that makes him sad (like let's take a break from the tv, you can have milk after you eat your lunch, let's clean up the toys you're not playing with) that I love him and that Im only saying this for x reason.