dealing with dementia - Page 2

[Tummy]

I have no wise words of wisdom, but have been in a similar situation. *I* use to care for partners gma. At that time, she was 101 yrs old. Completely immobile. I was the one who bathed her, put her into her chair, put her on the potty and wiped her bottom, made her food, EVERYTHING. After a year of her care, I had enough, I was wearing thin. She did not have an ounce of respect, not one ounce of appreciation for anything anyone did for her. I took on this responsibility because she was my partners grandmother, because she wanted to remain living in HER HOME, did not want to go to a nursing home.

Finally, when it got to the point that she became physically violent towards me and the $ we were using to bring in outside care for her was completely gone, we asked other family for help. That was a HUGE mistake on our part.

With her dementia in full force, the other family came in, drilled into her head that we 'stole all of her money' and that *I* had been abusing her all the time. They tried to bring criminal charges against me and my partner. Of course, the LEO flat out told them there was NOTHING they could do becuase we did NOTHING wrong.

The other family who were NOWHERE to be found for the 5 years my partner cared for that woman walked in, moved her out of her home and BAM she was gone.
We have no idea where she is, no idea if she is still alive or not. This all happened in the beginning of 2009.


This is not your situation, but I have 100% sympathy with what you are going through. For many months after the other family came in, I was sick with remorse. I was hurt at the lies they made up. I was resentful and angry with gma for saying that my partner and I did these horrible things that were being drilled into her head.

It is horrible to watch a family member deteriorate. I was not even related to gma, yet I loved her as my own. I cared for her as my own. It was a huge slap in the face for others to make accusations that what my partner and I did for her was 'not good enough'.

Sorry, I did not mean to ramble on about what I went through, but guess I did need to get it out. Have not talked about her or what happened since it did happen.

Regardless, Know what you are doing is best. Know that YOU have to take care of YOU before you will ever be any good to her or anyone else who may need you!

[rcr]

Originally Posted by mamadelbosque

. Part of me is anxious for her to die... I'll be very sad, but at the same time, relief, you know? That she's done suffering... that nobody has to worry about her anymore. Its callous, I know... but in many ways I hope she passes on quickly... for her sake and for my grandpa, and my dad and everyone else' sake.

I know exactly how you feel. I hope mom dies of a heart attack or something else soon, because she could hang on for years and years with this horrible disease.

Tummy - what you went through is very common. I am sorry. I am constantly getting accused of stealing my mom's money by my sister, who has never visited my mom and has no idea the condition that she is in.

[tri31]

Sounds like a really horrible experiences (being accused of abuse). I am sorry to hear of the drama you all have gone through.

Our family is very sad to think mom may live for years in this state. I can relate to wanting to see her suffering end. I always feel bad for wishing her life away. I guess cause it makes me feel selfish. I am sure you know how it is though, never feeling like you can do enough. I pray you all peace.

[rcr]

Yea, there is a lot of guilt that comes with this. I was up half the night last night feeling terrable because in order to get my mom to assisted living they had to give her some pretty strong drugs, which really zonk her out. I am feeling really guilty that I am somehow making her condition worse by giving her the drugs...

[tri31]

to all of you going through this kind of loss. I am posting to ask those of you with a loved one in a nursing home, if you have ever tried taking him/her outside? Mom has lost her mobility, but they can use "the crane" to get her out of bed and in a wheel chair. I want so much for her to feel a summer breeze or hear a song bird.
My sisters and I go back and forth on this. She has come a long way in the last few months and considering her situation she is doing well. I will admit I pray she will be spared this life of dispair someday soon. The quality of these final days with her, are very much our concern. It's like she is in prison. That is how she feels. Our hearts are heavy.
Would any taste of freedom intensify her feelings of confinement? Have you tried leaving the building? What can I expect?
This sucks.

[rcr]

This was really hard for us at first. Mom is in assisted living now and doing very well. The first time I took her out was to the doctor, since I am still responsible for taking her (although I could pay them to take her). Since then I have taken her out a lot - at least once a week. I was worried she would freak out when trying to take her back (she still does not realize that she is there to live - she thinks she still lives in her home, sometimes she thinks she works there, or that her parents kicked her out and she is only staying there for a few weeks). Every time I take her back, I have to make up an excuse in order to get her back in (I have to go to work but I will be back later... DS is sick and has a doctor appointment and I can't drive you home now... etc..). She forgets within 10 minutes, so I can just use the same excuse next time. Her short-term memory is gone. It has helped to take her back just before a meal, so I could say, hey, it is lunch time, why don't you sit down (that way I can leave without her trying to follow me out the door). She often does not realize that she is locked in there, but if I leave and she realizes that the door is locked after me and she can't go out too, she gets aggitated.

I have not been brave enough to take her to my home, because we now take care of her dog there, and have quite a bit of her stuff (we are working on clearing out her house), so I am afraid that she will see the dog and her stuff and freak out. However, just to be able to take her to a park (with DS), or an antique store, or the grocery store is very fulfilling for her, and I think it really improves her quality of life (makes her feel like less of a prisoner). I am hoping to be able to take her home for a day in a month or so.

Before you take her out, I would have a plan for getting her back in, if you are worried about her refusing to go. Also, talk to the nurse to see if she is ready. We waited a few weeks before taking her out for the first time. I recommend taking baby steps, y/k? Do you have a problem lieing to her? I have learned that it is really the most compassionate thing to do in my mom's case. Maybe just go for a short trip to the park or a short drive just to see how she is going to react. My mom is still mobile though, so the logistics may be tougher for you.

I also hope that my mom will be spared this life of dispair soon.

[tri31]

Hi there.I hope that you all are doing okay. The holidays are fast approaching. Here for advice/support again. So my family is not coping quite so well. Dad has decided he "upsets" mom. So he won't visit her. She waits everyday at the window for him. She misses us all so much. However she is often serene when I see her. She is a new woman, I love her so much. Still dad won't attend family gatherings that include her. Most recently a few months ago when our family hada cook out at the home. He is suffering. This has the family sort of estranged. Personally, I am having trouble making time to get down there, but she is in my heart. I'll get there for the first time in months, this weekend. Anyway, for those voices of experience, any tips for easing the pain of our second holiday season? This time with mom and without dad?

[wytchywoman]

I don't have any specific advice, just lots of hugs for you. My dad has alzheimers and its' not too bad yet but I dread where this road is going to take us as  a family. It sounds like your dad is really struggling with watching what is going on with your mom, and he may be right in that your mom seeing your dad is upsetting for her. Depending on how bad the dementia is and which part of the brain it's located in, your mom may not recognize your dad when she sees him in person, or she may not know how to react to him or have a stable relationship with him anymore. I think irregardless of what your dad decides to do, he definitely needs to seek help with this. Hopefully he lives in a town that has a caregivers support group that he can attend. It may be helpful and relief to him to be able to speak with other people who are where he is now and help him process these emotions. (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) to you. I hope the holidays are as peaceful as they can possibly be for all of your family.