How to negociate with your X

[Halfasianmomma]

Hi mamas,

Have any of you started off having a very negative relationship with your X's and had the relationship eventually become respectful? If so, what have you and/or your X done to make this change happen? If the relationship wasn't very cordial, *how* did you manage to negociation with this person about issues of paramount importance (i.e. custody)?

I'm asking because things are coming to a head in medation between STBX and I. We only have 3 more free sessions to sort out 3 things: custody/visitation, child support, dividing up "family assets". My new lawyer has advised me to go into the next session with a proposed custody agreement already drawn up, and then discuss it with STBX and the mediator.

The problem is things are going well right now. STBX asks to see DD once weekdays and once on the week-end. He *seems* to be sticking to his promise to control his temper, and though he tries to weasel out of it, he does go pick DD up at daycare. He has however forgotten or cancelled a few visits, and he's quick to try to move his visitation with DD to suit himself, and just last night, I noticed open cans of beer in his fridge and a beer glass sitting full in the fridge. The drinking is an issue for me btw...So I know I NEED to have a finalized custody agreement in place to protect myself and DD. I know that eventually, STBX will lose interest and only be the fun week-end dad, especially after he finds himself another partner and gets her pregnant (this has been his pattern...I am wife #4 and DD is child #4. STBX has already mentioned a new girlfriend to me.)

I don't care one bit for child support; anyhow STBX is unreliable and would be unable to pay....so it's not the issue. The issue is, I'm afraid to talk to him about granting me custody and him taking access rights; he's manipulated me in the past and I have trouble standing up to him. Also, he's unable to be honest about the fact that he doesn't have the time, energy or money to have DD 50/50, but he'll go after it out of pride.

Any tips on how to talk with an X who's shown himself to be difficult in the past? How do I keep the peace, for DD's sake, all the while protecting myself?

[CatsMeow]

Ignore the tantrums and name calling that he will throw your way. Stick to the issues that you two need to sort out. Keep pushing for what you want, while remaining calm. Don't let him push your buttons.

[Super~Single~Mama]

First, write down a journal of what has happened in the past between the 2 of you. This will help you sort it out in your head.

Anytime he was unable to take responsibility for your dd should be in the journal - have it with you so that you can refer to it. Anytime you disagreed about something and he used intimidation to get you to agree to something you didn't want to - write that down too. Then tell the mediator (in private if you want to - they should speak to each of you privately, even though they won't be partial to either of you). The mediator will remain impartial, but will also see when your ex is being unreasonable.

Also, DON'T agree to something just to get it over with.

[MissLotus]

Can your tell the mediator, privately, that you have trouble standing up to him? I never did mediation, so I don't know, but does your lawyer come along? If so, would it work to let her do the talking?

I certainly would write down the things that are MUSTS and stick to it, come hell or high water. Let him say what he wants - you're getting divorced and won't have to listen to him anymore. It's irrelevant.

Also, don't "engage" with him otherwise. Strictly business. Not a word of "chat". This really made a big difference, in my case.

If there are parts of the agreement you think he'll balk at, can you keep them vague... like, offer the visitation you think you'd be comfortable with, yet mention that as the child grows older, visitation may be re-addressed (so he doesn't think he's locked into something forever, and therefore may be more agreeable). Likewise, if he does get something you're not comfortable with, at least ask that it be introduced gradually. That was helpful for me too.

And put in a clause that his vistation is subject to following the requirements, such as no alcohol around the child, nor 6 hours before visitation (for example). I had a similar thing put in, only "softened" it up a bit by saying that we are not to drink around our child (I hardly ever drink anyway, and never at home)... so it looked less like an accusation. But that boundary needed to be spelled out. Things like that.

[Halfasianmomma]

Thank you for your suggestions.

I already asked the mediator to deal with us separately and he wouldn't have it. My lawyer knows this particular mediator to be somewhat of an .....We didn't have a lot of choices with respect to choosing a mediator who a) could mediate comfortably in English (this is a French speaking province for the most) and b) who had office hours in the evening. So we got this guy and I sort of don't like him because he's always telling ME I need to compromise.

I've got a journal going from before I left, listing dates, times and a short description of events, including the days when STBX cut the visits short because DD was getting "cranky" and he couldn't/wouldn't handle her.

Anyhow, I've drawn up a proposal for custody and I've tried to word it "more gently", as in "both parents agree not to drink alcohol in the 12 hours preceeding and during the time they care for the child." or "both parents agree not to take sleeping medication"...I don't drink or take sleeping pills, but my STBX took both together while we were married, so I want to make certain he won't be intoxicated while caring for DD.

[BabyBearsMummy]

Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma

Thank you for your suggestions.

I already asked the mediator to deal with us separately and he wouldn't have it. My lawyer knows this particular mediator to be somewhat of an .....We didn't have a lot of choices with respect to choosing a mediator who a) could mediate comfortably in English (this is a French speaking province for the most) and b) who had office hours in the evening. So we got this guy and I sort of don't like him because he's always telling ME I need to compromise.

I've got a journal going from before I left, listing dates, times and a short description of events, including the days when STBX cut the visits short because DD was getting "cranky" and he couldn't/wouldn't handle her.

Anyhow, I've drawn up a proposal for custody and I've tried to word it "more gently", as in "both parents agree not to drink alcohol in the 12 hours preceeding and during the time they care for the child." or "both parents agree not to take sleeping medication"...I don't drink or take sleeping pills, but my STBX took both together while we were married, so I want to make certain he won't be intoxicated while caring for DD.

From your description this mediator IS NOT impartial. If you are going to get a mediation agreement that everyone can live with you need to find another mediator who is impartial. You might end up having to except a mediator who only does daytime mediation. But if it saves you from the seemingly endless process of court it will be worth it.

Our mediator was not impartial. I had been told we were lucky to have gotten a mediator who made evening appointments and I decided to not rock the boat and hoped for the best. Our hours of mediation amounted to nothing and we ended up having to go thru the court process. After 1.5 years and the expense of lawyers we have a set of "Final" court orders one for child support and one for parenting time but will be headed back to court soon. Modifications are needed to the child support order and there have been violations of the parenting order. The mediation process can work very well but you have to have an impartial mediator capable of mediating between two parties who want to find a mutual agreement.

All wording of conditions of parenting time should apply equally to both parties even if in reality the issue only applies to one party.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I think from your description you should either a) get another mediator, or b) suck it up and go to court (with a lawyer).

Really, if you're going to get trampled on its not worth it.

[Hollycrand]

Felixmom told me today on the phone she knows a bilingual mediator. Could that help you??

[Halfasianmomma]

Hmm, let me see how the 3rd session goes with the current mediator, and I'll let you know. I don't know the logistics about switching mediators and I assume that STBX will use my desire to change as an excuse to begin legal proceedings.