After three successful homebirths, our fourth baby was born via c-section and I am struggling with feeling responsible/guilty.
The Backstory:
We have three precious boys and wanted a daughter to love so we decided to TTC a girl. We used dietary changes, positions, timing, etc. We conceived and suffered a miscarriage in 8/08. Dropped the gender-swaying things, conceived again in 11-08 and miscarried in 1-09. Conceived almost immediately after the loss in January and miscarried a third time at 9 weeks. The losses devastated me. I went through recurrent loss testing and no definite cause for our losses was determined.
We conceived again, a baby we called JingleBelle. I found a great doctor who was willing to prescribe empiric treatment for recurrent losses. I started on progesterone, rx folic acid, baby aspirin and twice daily heparin injections at pregnancy confirmation.
Despite normal tests at every turn, I was paralyzed by fear throughout the pregnancy. I listened to JingleBelle with a Doppler at home until I could feel her move, we had multiple u/s, received lots of TLC from doctor and our midwife, I went to therapy, read encouraging birth stories, etc. But I could never shake The Fear. In my heart, I could never really believe that a baby was coming to live with us. I kept saying, "No baby is coming. I am going to look so stupid when there is no baby-again." Even when I believed that she was healthy and normal, I was terrified that my body would somehow kill her before she could make it out safely.
We transferred to our midwife at 18 weeks. (Same wonderful midwife who caught all 3 of our babies) I bought a birth tub, we put it up on our kitchen at 35 weeks, watched Orgasmic Birth, BOBB and every positive birth video I could find, we planned for and dreamed about welcoming our daughter at home. But again, in my heart, it seemed like too much to actually hope for. I could never believe that my dream was coming true.
My therapist asked me to write JingleBelle's birth story but I was never able to do so. I felt the story was not mine to write. I asked my dh to tell me the story of when she came and he could not either. I wrote a birth plan but never gave it to anyone. We received a gift the day we went into labor and dh said "She can wear this tomorrow" and my immediate thought was "If she is not dead."
It took me about 32 weeks to believe that there really was a baby in my belly and once I started to believe that, I began to fear letting her out of the safe little bubble. I could only picture her in my belly-never in my arms.
Labor began at 0230 December 23. My contractions were mild, spaced out. Called midwife at 9am, we went for walks and did nipple stim. Contractions increased in intensity. Midwife arrived at 12:30. Dilated to 4 cm, 80% effaced. Walked, bounced on birth ball, snacked, did nipple stim, dtd, contractions never lasted more than 50 seconds and never closer than 5 minutes apart. Dilated to 6cm at 10:30pm. I had excess amniotic fluid with every pregnancy, including this one. I asked my midwife to break my water in hopes that getting the fluid out would allow baby's head to engage and dilate my cervix more effectively. There was little change in the strength or frequency of contractions.
Throughout labor, I was never able to go into "Laborland." I was acutely aware of everything, very much in my head. It was just me and The Fear. At one point, I broke down and told my midwife I felt like I had run my own agenda throughout this pregnancy, forced my will, controlled everything so tightly that I felt like I was going to get caught any minute. I really felt my luck was going to run out. Like it was all too much to get away with. I told her I had brought the baby as far as I could and I just wanted someone else to be responsible for her.
At 0130, my midwife checked me. 7-8cm but baby was in a face presentation. Baby literally sucked on my midwife's finger during the cervical exam. Though some face presentations can be birthed vaginally, my baby was not positioned to allow a vaginal birth at home. We had to transfer to the hospital. I was listening to JingleBelle with a Doppler in the car on the way to the hospital and lost her heartbeat. I could see and feel her moving but I could not get her heartbeat back on the Doppler.
When we finally arrived at the hospital, the nurse checked me and I was now 6cm and JingleBelle was at -4 station. Ultrasound by the OB showed she had turned breech. We went from a face to breech. No ECV was possible. This OB does not do vaginal breech births. My labor had arrested completely. The monitor never showed a single contraction from the time we arrived until I went back for surgery 5 hours later.
The baby we had always called JingleBelle came via C-section at 10:25am on Christmas Eve. She weighed 8 pounds (my smallest by 14oz). She is magnificent!
I am struggling with feelings of failure because I believe I let The Fear beat me. I lost my faith in my body, in the process. I never believed that it would actually work. A c-section never entered my consciousness but neither did me actually pushing her out. I wonder if my thoughts, my subconscious mind, caused her to assume two malpresentations so that I would not have to face my fear of birthing her (and in my mind, possibly killing her.) I know I did the best I could but I really hate that it wasn't good enough.
What do you think, mommas? Can our minds effect our bodies to this degree? Was it intuition or the Law of Attraction? Did I cause the c-section?
Amy
The Backstory:
We have three precious boys and wanted a daughter to love so we decided to TTC a girl. We used dietary changes, positions, timing, etc. We conceived and suffered a miscarriage in 8/08. Dropped the gender-swaying things, conceived again in 11-08 and miscarried in 1-09. Conceived almost immediately after the loss in January and miscarried a third time at 9 weeks. The losses devastated me. I went through recurrent loss testing and no definite cause for our losses was determined.
We conceived again, a baby we called JingleBelle. I found a great doctor who was willing to prescribe empiric treatment for recurrent losses. I started on progesterone, rx folic acid, baby aspirin and twice daily heparin injections at pregnancy confirmation.
Despite normal tests at every turn, I was paralyzed by fear throughout the pregnancy. I listened to JingleBelle with a Doppler at home until I could feel her move, we had multiple u/s, received lots of TLC from doctor and our midwife, I went to therapy, read encouraging birth stories, etc. But I could never shake The Fear. In my heart, I could never really believe that a baby was coming to live with us. I kept saying, "No baby is coming. I am going to look so stupid when there is no baby-again." Even when I believed that she was healthy and normal, I was terrified that my body would somehow kill her before she could make it out safely.
We transferred to our midwife at 18 weeks. (Same wonderful midwife who caught all 3 of our babies) I bought a birth tub, we put it up on our kitchen at 35 weeks, watched Orgasmic Birth, BOBB and every positive birth video I could find, we planned for and dreamed about welcoming our daughter at home. But again, in my heart, it seemed like too much to actually hope for. I could never believe that my dream was coming true.
My therapist asked me to write JingleBelle's birth story but I was never able to do so. I felt the story was not mine to write. I asked my dh to tell me the story of when she came and he could not either. I wrote a birth plan but never gave it to anyone. We received a gift the day we went into labor and dh said "She can wear this tomorrow" and my immediate thought was "If she is not dead."
It took me about 32 weeks to believe that there really was a baby in my belly and once I started to believe that, I began to fear letting her out of the safe little bubble. I could only picture her in my belly-never in my arms.
Labor began at 0230 December 23. My contractions were mild, spaced out. Called midwife at 9am, we went for walks and did nipple stim. Contractions increased in intensity. Midwife arrived at 12:30. Dilated to 4 cm, 80% effaced. Walked, bounced on birth ball, snacked, did nipple stim, dtd, contractions never lasted more than 50 seconds and never closer than 5 minutes apart. Dilated to 6cm at 10:30pm. I had excess amniotic fluid with every pregnancy, including this one. I asked my midwife to break my water in hopes that getting the fluid out would allow baby's head to engage and dilate my cervix more effectively. There was little change in the strength or frequency of contractions.
Throughout labor, I was never able to go into "Laborland." I was acutely aware of everything, very much in my head. It was just me and The Fear. At one point, I broke down and told my midwife I felt like I had run my own agenda throughout this pregnancy, forced my will, controlled everything so tightly that I felt like I was going to get caught any minute. I really felt my luck was going to run out. Like it was all too much to get away with. I told her I had brought the baby as far as I could and I just wanted someone else to be responsible for her.
At 0130, my midwife checked me. 7-8cm but baby was in a face presentation. Baby literally sucked on my midwife's finger during the cervical exam. Though some face presentations can be birthed vaginally, my baby was not positioned to allow a vaginal birth at home. We had to transfer to the hospital. I was listening to JingleBelle with a Doppler in the car on the way to the hospital and lost her heartbeat. I could see and feel her moving but I could not get her heartbeat back on the Doppler.
When we finally arrived at the hospital, the nurse checked me and I was now 6cm and JingleBelle was at -4 station. Ultrasound by the OB showed she had turned breech. We went from a face to breech. No ECV was possible. This OB does not do vaginal breech births. My labor had arrested completely. The monitor never showed a single contraction from the time we arrived until I went back for surgery 5 hours later.
The baby we had always called JingleBelle came via C-section at 10:25am on Christmas Eve. She weighed 8 pounds (my smallest by 14oz). She is magnificent!
I am struggling with feelings of failure because I believe I let The Fear beat me. I lost my faith in my body, in the process. I never believed that it would actually work. A c-section never entered my consciousness but neither did me actually pushing her out. I wonder if my thoughts, my subconscious mind, caused her to assume two malpresentations so that I would not have to face my fear of birthing her (and in my mind, possibly killing her.) I know I did the best I could but I really hate that it wasn't good enough.
What do you think, mommas? Can our minds effect our bodies to this degree? Was it intuition or the Law of Attraction? Did I cause the c-section?
Amy
It is not your fault. Have you considered the possibility that you had the feelings you did because subconsciously you knew she wouldn't be in an optimal position for birth-not that those fears caused it?
