Would a birth mom pick us?

[sbrinton]

We have three bio kids, boys ages 5, 3 and 1. We've always wanted four kids and cannot get pregnant again. We're planning to adopt...

We've mostly been looking into international for a few reasons. One, we're pretty set on having a girl (3 boys already). Two, with three kids, we've often heard we aren't the right fit for infant/open adoption.

Recently, we've started talking with a local open adoption agency that would be willing to have us in their program. They say it is usually harder for families who already have children to be "chosen" by a birth mom, but that we do have other things in our favor. We live close to the agency and are open to some issues which would mean we're a good candidate for an emergency placement.

Do you all think it would be significantly harder to be "chosen" by a birth mom in our situation? It seems like the majority of the couples the agency works with have no children, so we would stand out among the other profiles. We do have a lot of experience on our side. Maybe some moms are looking for that?

What are reasons to go towards open infant adoption vs. international?

[ramama]

I have absolutely zero experience in adoption, but for some reason, your title caught my eye. Honestly, if I were a birthmother, I would prefer a family with children. I just think of all the things I thought I would do before kids, ways that I would raise them, that did not come to fruition (TV watching, for example). A set of experienced parents would be better able to tell me how my baby *will* be raised, not how they *intend* to raise, KWIM? For instance, any childless couple may be able to tell me that they do not intend to spank, but geez, kids sure can try your patience, no? A couple with children could say, no we do not spank ever.

Anyway, I'm sure I am no help at all LOL.

[Whistler]

I've already told you what I think about this. We're about as close to you as we can get and one picked us!

ETA: Our baby's birth mom told us she picked us because we looked nice ( ), we did not look filthy rich (we're not, just comfy) and we already had kids so we would not be "practicing" on her baby. She liked that we were experienced and knew what we were doing (at least we pretend to!).

[Sierra]

I know some expectant parents who are making adoptive plans for the baby prefer a family in which the child will definitely have siblings. I don't think its terribly uncommon.

There are other advantages too for folks considering you:
*They'll know how you parent, not just how you think you will parent.
*And like you said, you have experience.

If you went that route, if I were you I'd actually play that up in my profile.

[feminist~mama]

I agree with the PP. I don't have adoption experience, and I'm sure that some looking for adoptive parents want to give "a childless couple" a baby- but I'm guessing there are plenty of pregnant ladies out there who would love to know that the adoptive parents really *do* like parenting, not just the idea of parenting, KWIM? Plus they'll have siblings!

Best of luck to you!

[rebyell]

We were chosen after 4 months of waiting, and then our daughter was born 3 weeks later.
We have 2 bio children 3 and 5.
We did not specify that it had to be an open adoption, some expectant moms just don't want that.
We were open on race and some other issues.

[sbrinton]

I think the hardest thing for me about domestic infant adoption is that it feels like we're marketing our family. I hope that doesn't sound wrong...but do you know what I mean?

We're not perfect. My husband and I are good parents, we can provide a good loving home, heck we even look pretty nice in a picture. But as "good" as we look on paper, I have a hard time presenting ourselves like that.

I know that working with a good agency, they have a role of matching the birth mom, child and adoptive family too. It's not just who looks best on paper, but who is the best fit through and through.

FWIW, I can't imagine trying to pick a family from a bunch of internet profiles...

[Whistler]

Originally Posted by sbrinton

I think the hardest thing for me about domestic infant adoption is that it feels like we're marketing our family. I hope that doesn't sound wrong...but do you know what I mean?

We're not perfect. My husband and I are good parents, we can provide a good loving home, heck we even look pretty nice in a picture. But as "good" as we look on paper, I have a hard time presenting ourselves like that.

I know that working with a good agency, they have a role of matching the birth mom, child and adoptive family too. It's not just who looks best on paper, but who is the best fit through and through.

FWIW, I can't imagine trying to pick a family from a bunch of internet profiles...

Isn't it weird? The whole process is absolutely surreal. It's one of the times I'm glad I believe in God just so I had something to cling to...the idea that the whole project was being guided by a little more than just sheer, blind luck. It helped.

ETA: I tried really hard not to put a gloss on our family but to present ourselves honestly... to put us out there as we are, warts and all. No family is perfect, especially not ours!

[mamadebug]

There are so many factors that a expectant mom may consider when choosing adoptive parents. What is important to some, may not matter to the next. We have been told, by more than one person we have worked with on our adoption process, that some birthmoms don't really have strong feelings about if there are any siblings, some feel strongly that there are siblings for their baby and some feel strongly that their child is the only child. If there are already children in the family, it is important to some moms that all the children in the family are adopted - and some don't care. You have to just be who you are, and the right fit will come along. We have one bio son, and last month an expectant mom had narrowed it down to our family and one other. She chose the other family in the end because they didn't have any kids.

But, there are so many factors that go into a moms decision. I would guess that your family has many great qualities that will really seem like a great match to a birthmom - and that the baby would have 3 older siblings could very well be seen as a positive by someone!

[Tigeresse]

Are you still planning to specify gender? We chose int'l for that reason among others. Wondering how that would work in your situation.

[rebyell]

Some agencies do let you specify gender. But that is a whole 'nother thread...

I used to really not want to adopt domestically because of having to make a profile and "sell" ourselves. Now, I see it as giving an expectant mom another choice.

If I had to place a baby, I would want as many choices as possible. We were also open to situations that didn't have many families interested. It would be horrible to really want to find a family and only have 2-3 to choose from.

[Pinoikoi]

I have an acquaintance that had the opposite problem. The birthmom in her situation was nervous about selecting them because she didn't want her baby raised as an only child.

[koalove]

heres why i would pick you ~~ my child would have siblings. you are crunchy~ (maybe not but ill make the assumption based on your presence here) an thats HARD to find, you already have a parenting style that i could observe and see if i was comfortable with, and seriously, the most important for me, you probably arent experiencing that desperate to be a mama, jealous that you are not giving birth, crying bout it to me vibe. ive placed 2 kids and both times ive experienced this. i actually chose a family for my dd and later changed my mind because i could not take the adoptive mamas jealous vibe. she had lots of grieving to do about her infertility and in the end, i chose a lesbian couple who had no desire to give birth. no weirdness. my first child i placed had siblings~ i loved that he was going to be part of a pack. the baby in a house full of boys~ so sweet. if your heart is telling you to go for domestic infant open adoption, go for it. before reading "dear expectant mother" letters i saw pictures, and narrowed it down that way i chose families with pictures of themselves hiking, camping, pets, friends, and who were genuinely happy. not the ones posed in a fake professional shot. thres a woman out the looking for a family just like yours...

[Mamacitac]

Birth mom is unpc, no?
I'm afraid to say birth mom, I don't want to offend anyone. I've known "birth moms" to get offended by people using that term.


ANYHOW, I think it can go either way, really.
From personal experience with my bf (she's a first-mom) some young FMs most times choose childless couples because they feel like they're giving them a gift; because they cannot have their own child. It really helped my best friend make her decision easier because she felt she was making the intended parents dream come true..literally!
BUT if I were a first-mom It wouldn't matter if IPs had kids or not if I felt a connection with them. Sometimes the FM just knows when you are 'The One'.
IMHO, It doesn't take someone with children to make the perfect parent. But I can imagine having a child already is a total bonus because first-mom gets to see interaction with you & your own children already , and see how your children love you and vice versa.



GO FOR IT!! You won't know until you try!
Good luck.

[Polliwog]

Originally Posted by Mamacitac

Birth mom is unpc, no?
I'm afraid to say birth mom, I don't want to offend anyone. I've known "birth moms" to get offended by people using that term.

Right. Expectant mother would be a better term since that's what she is until she gives birth and makes the final decision about whether to place her baby for adoption.

[Mamacitac]

Polli..