DH is pro circ and I am against. We are having a son this April and I am determined that he will remain intact. I do, however, have a loving and very equal partner-oriented relationship with dh, meaning I really don't want to pull the "I have to sign for it so it's not happening" card, though he realizes that is the case in hospitals. I want him to know that I respect his opinion (though I would really love it if he could come around on his own). I have sent him research and links, but that just annoyed him (oh darn that reading thing. Where is my rock, my fire and my wildabeast? this thinkin stuff is making me hungry), so we are letting sleeping dogs lie for now, with the understanding that he needs to be researching on his own. I know he is wasting his time because I already know he will come back with the usual STDS, cleanliness, infections blah blah blah and I could find comebacks for those in my sleep at this point. I am really hoping he will watch a circ video at some point because he is a gentle soul at heart, and I think that would at least make him waiver in his resolve.
One idea I was tossing around was to offer him a compromise (or at least, what he thinks is one), that I read another mama here used on her dh successfully. Offering an olive branch will make him back down from the defensive position, or so I'm hoping. I was thinking about telling him that we could circ our son (remembering here that the point is to make sure it never happens without said son requesting it)
PROVIDED THE FOLLOWING REQUIREMENTS ARE MET:
1) We must wait until ds is more than a year old (thus buying time to become accustomed to how NOT dirty the intact penis actually is)
2) DH must watch a circumcision video and discuss it with me (I refuse to watch them. Seeing still images makes me watch to throw up).
2) DS will have general anesthesia (dh is deathly afraid of going under and had to to get his wisdom teeth out... he was freaking out about it for weeks... there is no way he would want what he knows is a big risk for his son for cosmetic surgery)
3) DS MUST be circumcized by a specialist... a urologist that dh must find and book the appointment for (and a procedure that, if I am not mistaken, will not be covered by insurance and that $$$ will hopefully be another motivating factor.)
All of the above, at least technically, answer my biggest concerns about pain and suffering in a helpless newborn who is strapped to a board without anesthesia. I still have the concerns about sexual function, but wouldn't voice them to dh because I tried that landmine and let's just say he took it a little too personally. I still believe it is ds' body, and his decision, but for some crazy reason that argument doesn't resonate with dh, so I am trying to let him still feel like he gets to be a decision maker here.
My goal is, as I said above, to provide an honorable exit for dh that allows him to think I am compromising, so that he can ease up and our conversations about circ won't be so tense. Or they will just be a done deal, not to be brought up again. Then, I just want to make sure he comes to the decision himself so that he will feel like he is an equal partner and that I have at least tried to "meet him in the middle." I am confident, knowing dh as well as I do, that it will be a piece of cake to convince him to just "wait a little longer" if we do make it to that year point. Actually, I think even voicing this option will get him out of his entrenched position, and I don't think he feels strongly enough about it to actually persue it. He just keeps reacting like a cornered animal every time I try to say anything.
What do you think? Is this an effective game plan? Would you do any part of this differently or have any more stipulations? I could push that age requirement up to potty training age, just pointing out the whole "peeing in an open wound" thing. That buys even more time! Ultimately, it ain't happening unless ds asks for it, which means it probably ain't happening... and I do think dh understands this deep down..but this is all stage dressing for dh's ego at this point I guess. I am giving him a wide berth on the subject now though, because I think he has a lot to privately come to terms with. I am keeping my fingers crossed that just the act of looking into it on his own will force him to address his misconceptions.
One idea I was tossing around was to offer him a compromise (or at least, what he thinks is one), that I read another mama here used on her dh successfully. Offering an olive branch will make him back down from the defensive position, or so I'm hoping. I was thinking about telling him that we could circ our son (remembering here that the point is to make sure it never happens without said son requesting it)
PROVIDED THE FOLLOWING REQUIREMENTS ARE MET:
1) We must wait until ds is more than a year old (thus buying time to become accustomed to how NOT dirty the intact penis actually is)
2) DH must watch a circumcision video and discuss it with me (I refuse to watch them. Seeing still images makes me watch to throw up).
2) DS will have general anesthesia (dh is deathly afraid of going under and had to to get his wisdom teeth out... he was freaking out about it for weeks... there is no way he would want what he knows is a big risk for his son for cosmetic surgery)
3) DS MUST be circumcized by a specialist... a urologist that dh must find and book the appointment for (and a procedure that, if I am not mistaken, will not be covered by insurance and that $$$ will hopefully be another motivating factor.)
All of the above, at least technically, answer my biggest concerns about pain and suffering in a helpless newborn who is strapped to a board without anesthesia. I still have the concerns about sexual function, but wouldn't voice them to dh because I tried that landmine and let's just say he took it a little too personally. I still believe it is ds' body, and his decision, but for some crazy reason that argument doesn't resonate with dh, so I am trying to let him still feel like he gets to be a decision maker here.
My goal is, as I said above, to provide an honorable exit for dh that allows him to think I am compromising, so that he can ease up and our conversations about circ won't be so tense. Or they will just be a done deal, not to be brought up again. Then, I just want to make sure he comes to the decision himself so that he will feel like he is an equal partner and that I have at least tried to "meet him in the middle." I am confident, knowing dh as well as I do, that it will be a piece of cake to convince him to just "wait a little longer" if we do make it to that year point. Actually, I think even voicing this option will get him out of his entrenched position, and I don't think he feels strongly enough about it to actually persue it. He just keeps reacting like a cornered animal every time I try to say anything.
What do you think? Is this an effective game plan? Would you do any part of this differently or have any more stipulations? I could push that age requirement up to potty training age, just pointing out the whole "peeing in an open wound" thing. That buys even more time! Ultimately, it ain't happening unless ds asks for it, which means it probably ain't happening... and I do think dh understands this deep down..but this is all stage dressing for dh's ego at this point I guess. I am giving him a wide berth on the subject now though, because I think he has a lot to privately come to terms with. I am keeping my fingers crossed that just the act of looking into it on his own will force him to address his misconceptions.
Some good thoughts that might give him time to come around. How about renting or buying a copy of Penn and Teller BS (Season 3 Episode 1) and watching it with him? It's the kind of that might get through to him.
so I have learned to plant the seed and just let it grow on its own. He and I think very much alike, with the exception that he often feels a pull to be traditional or do things the way they were, and not rock the boat. I on the other hand just tip the darn thing right over so I can figure out my own way. In an argument, I'll just come out and ask him if he is unhappy with our choices for our dd, and he admits that when he thinks about it, he likes how we are doing things. Like I said, he becomes a cornered animal with circ. I may look into some pamphlets, but that is a very touchy thing because I know it will annoy him that I leave them out. I will bring several to the hospital to pass out to inquiring family and have dh look over once he meets his tiny son. I really think in the end he will see my point and this whole thing will blow over. I was just looking to win some brownie points so I could cash in on the good will later.... just a little honey to catch those flies I guess is what I'm thinking here.
)
) but that really is the ultimate harm. Even if circumcision were 100% painless during and after, a baby loses the most sensitive part of his penis for the rest of his life and that can never be undone.
