For my oldest, when he's like this it means he's seeking out deep pressure sensory input. Sometimes I have to let him get some energy/anger out of his system before I can help him, so I direct him to somewhere safe or give him an activity that is safe (running, climbing, jumping, spinning). When he starts to calm, I can hold him tight, talk calmly, even a tickle fight that gives some good input.
The anger (throwing toys, kicking walls, etc) is definitely the hardest. My biggest problem is that he often brings me down with him and I get angry too. It's SO HARD to keep your cool!!! I so understand that
I don't really know how to help, but I can send you some patience and love at least!!