If one of your kids was an "accident," do you think you treat them differently?

[mommyshoppinghabit]

Even subconsciously? I mean this is not something that can be admitted easily. I love DS2 but this morning, I had an awakening moment, well two actually. One, I let him take a tumble when I could see it coming and two, I was watching Oprah (how stereotypically SAHM) and broke at crying when they talked about a little boy who kept falling and it was eventually found out that he had a brain tumor, which for some reason reminded me of DS2 although I don't know why. DS2 was an "accident." DS1 at the time was only 16 months when I conceived ds2 and I was definitely not trying to get pregnant and had just been irresponsible in birth control. The clouds had only just parted with DS1: he'd just begun to sleep through the night, was becoming more independent, I was coming out of a post partum funk (I won' call it a depression). And although DS2 is so cute and cuddly and very much a mommy's boy, I palm him off to Dh or his grandparents or the preschool as much as possible and I don't watch him as closely as I did with DS1 at that age when he is at home with me. When I used to take ds2 to Gymboree, one of the other moms actually once scolded me for not spotting him.
DH says that his sister doesn't speak to his parents anymore and always had a bad relationship with them to begin with b/c she subconsciously knew that she had been an "accident."
Dunno, just musing here.

[Jessy1019]

My daughter was unplanned, but she was born because I wanted a baby. I would have had an abortion if I didn't, without a second thought. My son was planned a few years later. They both get treated as equally as possible (given different ages, personalities, and abilities), and I can say 100% I love them both the same.

The fact that you're thinking about it now makes me feel like you will do something to stop yourself from treating them differently in the future . . . at least I hope so!

[Fuamami]

Two of my kids were accidents, the first and the third. Well, the third was sort of planned, just not so close to the second.

Anyway, I would chalk it up more to just being kind of overwhelmed, touched out and tired. I did that with both of my second kids.

[rlmueller]

Maybe it just number 2

I wonder if I will treat number 2 different than my number 1. Not as careful, not as cautious, not as germ-free, additive free--All that stuff. Is it possible your replacing normal 2nd child stuff for what you perceive as a favortism on your part.

[musikat]

All three of mine were very much planned, but from what you wrote, it sounds like it could just be a "second child" thing. I definitely paid less attention to number two than number one (they were two years apart), A. because I already had an older child to watch who was into everything and B. because I learned that taking a "tumble" likely won't kill them, nor will eating off the floor, climbing on the bed or any of the other things. I think second time moms tend to relax a bit in general, so maybe what you are doing isn't so much caring less but just being more comfortable?

As for "pawning him off" as you put it, I definitely did that more. My oldest never met a babysitter until he was about 18 months. Middle started going to the gym daycare at 8 weeks and had a Saturday babysitter from the time he could have baby food. I think with two that young, you need more breaks.

Not trying to dismiss your concerns, just trying to make you feel better that maybe this isn't a subconscious way of treating them differently but a normal part of being a mom of two.

[mommyshoppinghabit]

Since the infancy period was so difficult for me the first time with DS1, when I found out about the second pregnancy, for some reason, I think I was like "OK, I can do this totally different this time," not so much "Oh, I guess I really want this baby." I know, that sounds soo crazy. In my head, I just wanted perfect all the things that I thought went "wrong" the first time around like the labor, not having a doula, the sleep issues. I wanted to see how I could "fix" it.

[mamazee]

Unless you're actually feeling resentful, I'd think this is more likely a 2nd child vs. 1st child thing. And the mom at Gymboree should mind her own business. Kids don't need constant spotting there.

[choli]

I found that with No 2 I lost most of that paranoid over parenting that I'd done with No 1.

For what it's worth, I think most people have a much healthier attitude to parenting by the time they get to child 2.

[Kivgaen]

DD wasn't an "accident"... but she was a surprise -- we weren't exactly trying, but we weren't exactly NOT trying either. I was BF and still waiting for AF that never came.

but anyway, YES, I do feel differently towards them. I know that I relate better with DD than with DS. I don't deny it to myself, I can't help the feeling, since DS is very spirited at times, and he wears me out.

I hope that DS and DD will never know, and I do my best to treat them both with the same amount of respect, love and appreciation. They both get special one-on-one time with me, and being aware of my feelings helps me to make an extra special effort with DS when he is pushing my buttons. I think I'm doing a pretty good job so far, because we have a great relationship and they are both wonderful to each other.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having a "preference"... It's what you DO ABOUT IT that matters. Recognizing your feelings and being accepting of them is a HUGE step in the right direction, and finding ways to work with them so that your LOs all get their individual needs met in spite of your feelings will help you to overcome your fears of showing preference.

[Alyantavid]

My oldest son was a surprise. We weren't ready at all, but we dealt with it. So now, I don't think of him differently than my son who was planned.

No "accidents" here, but pleasant surprises.

[calpurnia]

I was an accident! From my perspective, it's never made me feel that my parents feel differently about me. I remember asking "why did you have me then?" when I was early teens, & my dad said "because we knew it was going to be you"

[SunshineJ]

We say that DS came a year early - we weren't exactly planning on a baby at that time. Do I treat my 2 differently? Yes, I do. They are different people with different needs and are at different development levels. For example, even though older, DS needs more help with things like buttons, etc. whereas DD needs a little more help with certain types of concepts. I can't say I've gotten more relaxed with dd about things, but I tend to be wound a little tight on stuff like that, and for germs and such if she gets sick there's a risk of seizures, so I'm probably more paranoid that I would've been otherwise. To be honest, I don't even remember most of the time that ds was a pleasant surprise rather than planned.

[Delicateflower]

Are you sure you don't/didn't have post partum depression. What you're describing sounds like classic symptoms to me. Do you have a good doctor you can talk to about it and get their help?

[sewchris2642]

Nope. We say that God allowed us to plan the girls but He planned Dylan. And God loves surprises. It was inevitable that we would raise Dylan differently from his sisters. He came at a different time in our lives and is an "only" child.

[marybethorama]

Originally Posted by mommyshoppinghabit

Since the infancy period was so difficult for me the first time with DS1, when I found out about the second pregnancy, for some reason, I think I was like "OK, I can do this totally different this time," not so much "Oh, I guess I really want this baby." I know, that sounds soo crazy. In my head, I just wanted perfect all the things that I thought went "wrong" the first time around like the labor, not having a doula, the sleep issues. I wanted to see how I could "fix" it.

That sounds normal to me.

[lilyka]

honestly I think this is less about family planning and more about this being your second. none of my children were planned. if I got pregnant now it would be a disasster (well it would be a freaking miricle but I digress....), beyond unplanned, and I would deifntiely treat this child different because my whole life is different. She would also be the fourth child who gets treated differently than the third who gets treated differently than the 2nd who gets treated differently than the first.......

[Kailey's mom]

Originally Posted by Delicateflower

Are you sure you don't/didn't have post partum depression. What you're describing sounds like classic symptoms to me. Do you have a good doctor you can talk to about it and get their help?

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by Delicateflower

Are you sure you don't/didn't have post partum depression. What you're describing sounds like classic symptoms to me. Do you have a good doctor you can talk to about it and get their help?

I'd second (third?) the screening for PPD.

Some of what you describe is also more common with #2. You do get more laid back when you have more kids. But if you're feeling a real disconnect, I'd think about whether this could be the sign of something more.

[lonegirl]

My son was a Surprise....never an accident.....I mean we had been married 13years and hadn't really decided if we would have kids....Fate made the decision for us

[orangefoot]

My eldest was unplanned but I didn't have the feelings you describe. Maybe having him first then planning the three that followed made a difference.

Having two kids is not like having one and if you were in a funk before it won't have got any simpler. I would also say that talking to someone about how you are feeling might help. mama.