4.5yr old potty accidents

[snomnky]

We have been having a bad time with DS's pottying. He has been having an average of 5 accidents a day, both pee and poop. This has been going on (off and on) since he started using the potty at 3. A year and a half later and he is still doing it!!

It is SO frustrating. We have ruled out a physiological problem. He holds his pee and poop until he can't and has an accident.

We have tried everything and need advice. We have done rewards, taken things away, let him wear a pull up, forced him to wear a pullup/diaper, ignored the situation, gotten mad, stayed calm... Nothing helps and I am sick of cleaning up his poop and pee.

Does anyone have any advice? Please we are feeling desperate!

[snomnky]

bumping for help.

[One_Girl]

Could it be something in his diet? When my dd was younger she would have accidents if she drank juice. When I cut out the sugary drinks from her diet the accidents stopped (except for a short period of time when she was taking baths with bubble bath).

[nina_yyc]

I asked this question at playgroup because I have the same prob with my 3yo. Suggestion I got was to sit her down, tell her what MY problem was ("It's stinky and I don't like the extra laundry") then ask for her suggestions (or give her a bunch of options and let her pick) to solve the problem. Once we agree on a solution, both sign the 'contract.'

I thought it was a great idea but I didn't do it with the potty training because right now the bigger issue is being gentle with her newborn brother, so I used the contract idea for that. It's a new way of solving problems for us and it didn't work at first but we've been taking her to the fridge and showing her the contract every time, and today at dinner she stayed away from the baby when he was nursing 'because I have a contract mama' It might work quicker for you if you've done something like this before, or because your son is older.

For now with the potty training I make her 'check' every hour and a half. There is a fair amount of coersion necessary to get her to the potty but once there, she will go. I don't feel good about manipulating her to get on to the potty but past experience with establishing routines (tooth brushing, hand washing) tells me that eventually it will become a habit.

[eepster]

When DS was PLing, he would ignore the need to go potty if he was doing something more interesting, so he would have accidents. At first I would just change him quickly right at what ever activity he was doing. I realized that I was making it too easy for him.

Our solution was to insist that he go and sit on the potty every time he needed to pee, even if he had already peed in his pants.

Also, I found pull ups to be nothing more than glorified diapers.

[snomnky]

Thanks for the responses. We have already tried the contract thing, didn't work. He has a tantrum when we insist he sits on the potty. He also just won't poop (even if he needs to) if we make him sit on the potty.

Unfortunately he is very stubborn. He is also highly intelligent and very determined. He has a plan here, that I am sure, and I have no idea what it is.

He is more than capable of using the toilet. We are currently on a 3 day bribe (yes, bad mommy) he will receive a set of walki-talkies if he keep his undies clean until Tuesday morning. So far, not a problem, not one accident yesterday or yet today. The fact that he can and just won't makes this that much more infuriating.

I just feel there has to be something that will make him do this on his own, what is it???

[eepster]

What happen when you're out? Does he have accidents at store or activities?

[snomnky]

Yes, he has accidents no matter what we are doing. He even (occasionally) has them at school.

[jillmamma]

My DD is not having that many per day, but it has been more lately than I would care for. One thing I do is have HER do as much of the cleanup as she can. She can take a paper towel and wipe up pee off the floor, take off her wet clothes, put them in the laundry room, go get dry clothes out of her drawer and put them on. I do help her a bit more if it is a poop accident as I don't want poop everywhere, and she needs a bit more help getting it off her legs and butt then. Then we have her sit on the potty to "make sure all of it got out", wipe, flush, wash hands. And talk in a positive tone about how next time we will do it in the potty. In our particular case, I think it is related to the new baby due in 12 days. Have there been any major changes like that in your/his life lately that may be making him feel anxious and experience this regression in potty behavior?

[snomnky]

Alright, really frustrated!!! 72hrs no potty accidents, YEAH, and then he got the walki-talkies, 30 min later he pooped his pants!!!!!!!!

I am at wits end and have no idea how to get through to this child. I have tried all the ideas you ladies listed, nothing works for us. I am about ready to take a psychological look at the kid. He is playing us.

[mom22girls]

Been there - done that. My dd2 is 5.5 and we aren't fully clean. We had full poopy accidents up until 4.5 and still smaller accidents every once in awhile now. Nothing works completely - I tried everything. What worked the best was daily recognition of victories and sometimes I had to break it down to each toilet break. (by recognition, I put a stamp/cute sticker or drew a small happy-face on my calendar).

My dd hates being interrupted and hates spending time away from something. The excuse I hear the most is: but it's my favorite GAME!!!! or some such activity that she cannot tear herself away from. She's very bright and capable, but she can be a bit emotionally immature. I find the more positive attention she gets, the better her potty habits are. This isn't easy, I have three children, and she is the middle one... So, if I go too many nights without reading her a story, or do not give her enough one-on-one time, I seem to get more accidents. I don't think that it's a revenge thing on her part, more of the wanting to do good to get good attention.

She is absolutely non-bribable, she doesn't care about punishments, and although she doesn't like to do it, she will put dirty undies in the laundry room and even scrub them out if I ask. The problem with this, though, is that if she has an accident, she will now hide her undies and I may not find them until weeks later .

With my first DD, PL was so easy. So, when it didn't go as smoothly with dd2, it was highly, highly emotional for me. I really felt like a failure. My only advice is to take it easy on both of you. Try and put your scientist hat on and find what works, even if it only works for a week, it's a cleaner week then the previous one!

take care!

[jeany]

Hi altho i dnt have a solution for u i thought u would like to no that i am going thro the same thing with my 5 year old, she can go when she wants to but just doesnt seem to care if she is wet or not.
I no this does not help ur situation but i felt it good to no that i am not the only 1 going thro this, if u manage to move forward with the peob i wud love to hear how u did this been batteling for 3 years now

[eepster]

Originally Posted by snomnky

Alright, really frustrated!!! 72hrs no potty accidents, YEAH, and then he got the walki-talkies, 30 min later he pooped his pants!!!!!!!!

I am at wits end and have no idea how to get through to this child. I have tried all the ideas you ladies listed, nothing works for us. I am about ready to take a psychological look at the kid. He is playing us.

Was that 72 hrs of actually using the potty? or was it 72 hrs of holding poop in?

[snomnky]

Originally Posted by eepster

Was that 72 hrs of actually using the potty? or was it 72 hrs of holding poop in?

He went poop the whole 72hrs, even without being asked.

[barefootbabies]

My son will be 5 in March, and this has been a constant struggle for us. What finally worked for us was finding one thing he loved to do (playing games on the computer) and telling him that he couldn't play until he was ready for the day - which meant getting dressed, eating breakfast, and trying to poop on thr toilet. He did it religiously every day, I think it really helped having the routine to it too. He has not been allowed to use the computer for the last couple of weeks (he was refusing to stop playing and having long, violent temper tantrums when we took it away, DH and I felt it was becoming unhealthy). He has had a couple of accidents since then, but very few, nothing like before. He still wets the bed most nights, and refuses to wear a pullup to bed though, I'd love to figure out what to do about that! It is so frustrating, and my 3.5 year old is nowhere near PL'ed either. I have to constantly remind myself that it will happen - someday!

[eepster]

It seems like it is purely a question of motivation then. Though this surprises me if he has accidents when you are out doing stuff.

What happens when he has an accident? Have you considered having him clean himself up? Isn't he uncomfortable in his wet dirty clothing? Doesn't he get annoyed when you have to interrupt what you're doing to find a place to clean him up and change his clothing? You would think these would be motivation to use the bathroom.

Are you in anyway making accident too easy for him? As I mentioned not making it easy was a big piece of the puzzle with my DS.

[snomnky]

Originally Posted by eepster

It seems like it is purely a question of motivation then. Though this surprises me if he has accidents when you are out doing stuff.

What happens when he has an accident? Have you considered having him clean himself up? Isn't he uncomfortable in his wet dirty clothing? Doesn't he get annoyed when you have to interrupt what you're doing to find a place to clean him up and change his clothing? You would think these would be motivation to use the bathroom.

Are you in anyway making accident too easy for him? As I mentioned not making it easy was a big piece of the puzzle with my DS.

Nope, none of that matters to him. He does get upset when he gets a 'diaper rash' from leaving poop in his underwear, but it is hardly motivation for him to use the toilet. We have tried the clean yourself and your underwear thing, he doesn't care.

I did talk to his ped last night and he suggested professional help (thank god) He also gave this a name, dysfunctional voiding. At the moment Ds is working to get he walkie-talkies back, so he is using the toilet, again. We shall see what happens when he gets what he wants. I am ready to be done with this!

[zeldamomma]

Originally Posted by snomnky

Nope, none of that matters to him. He does get upset when he gets a 'diaper rash' from leaving poop in his underwear, but it is hardly motivation for him to use the toilet. We have tried the clean yourself and your underwear thing, he doesn't care.

How long did you try the "clean yourself and your underwear thing"?

If it were me, that would be the rule for as long as he is doing this-- if you're only doing it for a little while, he might be inclined to "show you that you can't make him use the potty", but if it's something that's just his responsibility and you're not emotionally caught up in it, he may decide to do what's easier for him.

I'd also send him to the potty several times a day, calmly ignoring the tantrums. He may not poop the first few days, but eventually he'll learn that he can't control you with tantrums and things should improve.

But maybe you've tried all that too. Hope you figure something out soon.