Praise hungry

[muliebrity22]

DS seems unduly interested in praise from adults. (I have struggled with external motivation issues my whole life, so I can commiserate). I have read Carol Dweck's book, and we are careful about being circumspect in our praise and praising effort rather than intrinsic ability/smarts/etc. He does hear a lot of "he's so smart" etc. from others, however.

Example: At soccer, he wants constant reinforcement from the adult coaches. They'll set out a bunch of cones for the kids to kick balls into to knock over. He'll knock over one, seek praise -- sometimes running a decent distance to get it (and sounding slightly annoyed that it hadn't been administered sooner), and only then do another. What's up with that?

He also has difficulty playing independently, and so on. He really wants to interact with us or other adults constantly. He has friends at preschool with whom he plays happily, but he seems to prefer the company of the adult teachers.

Particularly because the issue seems largely one of degree than of kind, I'm not sure how to address it or talk to him about it. I don't want him getting hung up on an idea that valuing praise (in the right circumstances or measure) is somehow evil, and I certainly don't want to suggest that I think the praise-seeking is problematic or wrong and have that motivate him to stop doing it. That's just more external motivation.

Any thoughts?

[eepster]

DS can be a bit like this, but with him I say it's more about a constant need for someone to be interacting with or paying attention to him. Being praised is just one of many many ways adults pay attention to children. My guess is that praise is the way that the soccer coaches interact with the kids the most.

[mom2ponygirl]

My dd was like that in preschool as well. We emphasized effort and things that would make her proud of herself - whether or not they were likely to be noticed by others. Part of it is age as well, she is much less motivated by external praise now at 11. It still makes her happy, but I see a deep warm glow of happiness when she talks about how proud she is of herself for working hard on something or facing a fear, etc.

I think it is something to keep in mind and work to support intrinsic motivation, but realize that time and age will help a bunch as well.

[racheepoo]

I think this is particularly common with only children (my pill is exactly like that) and some personality types are more prone to needing it as well.

As far as I'm concerned, I just try to encourage him to develop his own sense of worth and determination about success.

[Bird Girl]

Just a guess, but is your son more extroverted than you are? Praise from others means a whole different thing to extroverts than it does to introverts. It is easy for introverts to assign praise to a phony external motivation category, but, or so I've read, praise is very energy-building and relationship-building for extroverts.

If you think of it as a language-of-love thing, does that help you feel more value-neutral about it?

In the specific case of the soccer drill issue, I would just try acknowledging that he appreciates hearing "well-done" after each challenge, but that, in the busy soccer field, it's just impractical to acknowledge every thing that every kid does. Better to just give himself a silent "thumbs up" then to turn to the coach after every drill. Perhaps you could give him permission to count up the number of drills he does successfully and tell you the number after every practice, for a little acknowledgment at the end of the practice. If he does want to count up the number, it could build into a little self-motivation opportunity to see if he can raise the number of successful drills each week, or keep track of his progress in this way.

[HeatherB]

Moving to Parenting...

[mamazee]

Have you read Unconditional Parenting? That talks a lot about this.

I agree that praise is not helpful, and by praise I mean the kind of praise that appraises, or evaluates. People use the word "praise" for everything nice that is said sometimes, but really it's about evaluating what someone does. Frequent evaluation can cause people to be externally motivated, and can also cause anxiety. I am very extroverted and I don't feel empowered by this kind of praise.

I would step away from that kind of praise and move on to saying nice things that aren't so heavy on the evaluation. First, people don't have to comment on everything a child does. Just being under that level of scruitiny can cause anxiety. There are times where adults are saying things to your child where no comment is probably necessary. Second, there are many ways to show joy, appreciation, and love other than praise. "You did it!" "It looks to me like that took a lot of work." "Thank you!"

Here's an article that you might like to read: Five Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job!"

Also, what you and his other parent do is much more important than what other adults do, so even if the soccer coach and grandparents do it, it isn't nearly as big a deal as you not doing it, IMO.