Do you have to invite the whole class to a birthday party? - Page 2

[eepster]

Originally Posted by limabean

Just don't do what one mom at my DS's preschool did (I'm sure you never ever would, I just have to share this story).

She brought a bunch of invitations to school, without any recipients' names written on the envelopes, and gave the stack to her son, then walked around the playground with him saying, "What about him, do you play with him? Yes? Okay, give him one then. What about her, do you play with her? No? Okay, can you find someone else you play with?" I was horrified.

Not only is that really rude, but preschoolers can be so in the here and now, that they will pick kids they want to play with right now and exclude kids they actually are friends with just b/c they don't want to play with them that minute.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

I can see that it isn't ideal, but horrified? Why? It sounds like the child didn't know the names of the children he played with

Gosh, there's an epidemic on MDC in the past few days of people nitpicking over word choice. How about: I thought it was very insensitive and rude, and cannot imagine making the decision to have my son walk around waving his birthday invitations in his classmates' faces and only giving them out to some of them. Better?

[babymommy2]

In my son's last classroom, the teacher told all the parents at the beginning of the school year that she didn't want invitations to be handed out at school unless ALL of the students were invited (which makes sense), so if you don't invite the whole class, make sure that you invite them privately, and not in front of the kids who weren't invited.

How do you do this? I live in a city and so don't know the parents in the kids school, and several take the bus so may not see them at pick up, and the school certainly doesn't provide anyone with any names or addresses or even phone numbers because of confidentiality laws, so how do you privately send an invitation? I gave the invites to the teacher to put in the weekly envelope, but I know some of the kids hand out the invites themselves to the children they want to invite. No one has had an all class birthday yet.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by babymommy2

How do you do this? I live in a city and so don't know the parents in the kids school, and several take the bus so may not see them at pick up, and the school certainly doesn't provide anyone with any names or addresses or even phone numbers because of confidentiality laws, so how do you privately send an invitation? I gave the invites to the teacher to put in the weekly envelope, but I know some of the kids hand out the invites themselves to the children they want to invite. No one has had an all class birthday yet.

At DS's school, each teacher sends out an e-mail early in the year saying that she'd like to put together a class contact list for those who wish to participate. You can provide as much or little info as you'd like: nothing, just e-mail, just phone, phone/address/e-mail, etc. In DS's current class, every parent provided at least one form of contact, so we'd be able to selectively invite his classmates in a discreet manner if we chose to.

[eepster]

Originally Posted by babymommy2

How do you do this? I live in a city and so don't know the parents in the kids school, and several take the bus so may not see them at pick up, and the school certainly doesn't provide anyone with any names or addresses or even phone numbers because of confidentiality laws, so how do you privately send an invitation? I gave the invites to the teacher to put in the weekly envelope, but I know some of the kids hand out the invites themselves to the children they want to invite. No one has had an all class birthday yet.

DS's school has a directory. If a parent doesn't want to be in it they check off a box on the registration form other wise there is a full listing for each student; student name, classroom, parent/guardian name, address, phone #, email.

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by limabean

Gosh, there's an epidemic on MDC in the past few days of people nitpicking over word choice. How about: I thought it was very insensitive and rude, and cannot imagine making the decision to have my son walk around waving his birthday invitations in his classmates' faces and only giving them out to some of them. Better?

I honestly didn't think what the mom did sounded so terrible. At preschool age, it doesn't strike me as very rude, since the child didn't seem to know the names of his friends, but I guess I'm just not as sensitive to these issues as others.

My dd's school hands out the directory at the end of the year (big help! lol). The teacher's official policy is to put invites in their folders, but in reality invites get handed out on the school bus, on the playground, in the cafeteria, in the bus line....basically, the kids distribute them on their own, anyway. They just don't do it in class (as per the rules).

eta--another issue is that children might want to invite kids not in their class. For instance, my dd's 9th birthday is next month. She's inviting 2 girls from her class, 2 from another 3rd grade class (same school), and 1 girl from a 4th grade class (same school). Her teacher probably wouldn't want the hassle of distributing those invites.

[Tigerchild]

We have had both kinds of parties (small home parties and all-class parties).

Even if you don't THINK that your child will talk about their party or that kids their age won't lord it over those who weren't invited (I would say that most people would be shocked at how often that happens), I think that it's definitely NOT too early, even at 4 or 5, to start to talk about party host etiquette.

I explained to my kids that when they have home parties and we can't invite anyone, that means that you don't talk about the party at school. You don't tease anyone about the party, and if you hear anyone teasing someone who wasn't invited, you should say that it isn't okay to treat others in a way that is hurtful. I've also explained to my kids starting this year that if I hear them using a party to bully others, then I will cancel the party.

Since I'm with 1st and 2nd graders 4 days out of 5 in a school setting, I know that I overhear these 5-8 year olds do that sort of thing constantly. I'm sure it happens with older kids too. Birthday invites shouldn't be looked at as a social minefield on the parent's part--but rather a way to start teaching your kids about etiquette and treating others kindly. Sooner or later, your kid will be upset that he wasn't invited to party, and most people will have to make the decision to exclude a good, sweet kid sooner or later as well. I think it's vitally important to teach your kids that they probably shouldn't take offense or assume someone doesn't like them if they're not invited; and at the same time when THEY must or decide to have a smaller party they must do as much as they can to not hurt other people's feelings.

So I would say that I don't feel inviting a whole class is an obligation. I certainly don't feel that way and don't do that as a rule. However, it is absolutely a parent's obligation to teach their kids party etiquette. Will they "get" it between the ages of 4-6? No, not all at once, but I do think that it's important to remind and talk about it during that time so that it becomes a habit as they get older and when the hurt can really go deep if kids never learn how to do that. It doesn't happen by osmosis.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

I honestly didn't think what the mom did sounded so terrible. At preschool age, it doesn't strike me as very rude, since the child didn't seem to know the names of his friends, but I guess I'm just not as sensitive to these issues as others.

There are plenty of better ways to determine which kids your kid plays with or wants to invite. You could discreetly pull him to the side at pick-up time and quietly ask him to point out which friends he'd like to invite, then bring invitations for them the next day. Walking around with invitations and saying right in front of each classmate, "Yes, give one to her. No, don't give one to him. Yes, give one to him, but not him" ... is rude. I don't see how anyone could see it as okay, but clearly some people do, since the kid's mom at my DS's preschool obviously didn't have a problem doing it.

[Kirsten]

If you deliver invites at school, yes the whole class must be invited. If you deliver invites through the post office or email, you can invite part of the class - but not everyone but two or three kids, not all boys but one, etc.

The example of handing out blank invites on the playground is HORRIBLE. The kids have EARS.... they can hear the mom asking "do you play with him? No? Ok, don't give him one then." HOW is that ok? I don't expect kids to naturally click with everyone, but you must be kind. Basic human courtesy.
In that situation, I'd email the teacher and ask her if the child couldn't come up with the names. Explain the situation, and ask who he plays with, mentioning specific kids as you can - "he says he always plays matchbox cars with one little boy, and in the sandbox with a boy who loves dinosaurs". If he can't give even the basic info about a child, then don't invite school kids.

[DariusMom]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild

We have had both kinds of parties (small home parties and all-class parties).

Even if you don't THINK that your child will talk about their party or that kids their age won't lord it over those who weren't invited (I would say that most people would be shocked at how often that happens), I think that it's definitely NOT too early, even at 4 or 5, to start to talk about party host etiquette.

I explained to my kids that when they have home parties and we can't invite anyone, that means that you don't talk about the party at school. You don't tease anyone about the party, and if you hear anyone teasing someone who wasn't invited, you should say that it isn't okay to treat others in a way that is hurtful. I've also explained to my kids starting this year that if I hear them using a party to bully others, then I will cancel the party.

Since I'm with 1st and 2nd graders 4 days out of 5 in a school setting, I know that I overhear these 5-8 year olds do that sort of thing constantly. I'm sure it happens with older kids too. Birthday invites shouldn't be looked at as a social minefield on the parent's part--but rather a way to start teaching your kids about etiquette and treating others kindly. Sooner or later, your kid will be upset that he wasn't invited to party, and most people will have to make the decision to exclude a good, sweet kid sooner or later as well. I think it's vitally important to teach your kids that they probably shouldn't take offense or assume someone doesn't like them if they're not invited; and at the same time when THEY must or decide to have a smaller party they must do as much as they can to not hurt other people's feelings.

So I would say that I don't feel inviting a whole class is an obligation. I certainly don't feel that way and don't do that as a rule. However, it is absolutely a parent's obligation to teach their kids party etiquette. Will they "get" it between the ages of 4-6? No, not all at once, but I do think that it's important to remind and talk about it during that time so that it becomes a habit as they get older and when the hurt can really go deep if kids never learn how to do that. It doesn't happen by osmosis.

I love this post. You articulate so well what I feel. It's incumbent upon us, as parents, to model good party etiquette. If I'm only having a few people over for a small dinner party, I'm not going to talk about said dinner party in front of other people I didn't invite. Just not nice and not cool. Kids have to learn this, and they need to learn this from us.

Admittedly, this is a hot button issue for me. It is against the policy of DS' school to pass out invitations at school (plus, the school provides a contact list at the beginning of the year). However, parents have been passing out invitations at school. I've contacted the principal, the parent commission, talked to DS' teacher, and talked to the "class parents" (we have three who organize activities) to get the word out that this is just not ok. Let's hope it works.

Originally Posted by limabean

There are plenty of better ways to determine which kids your kid plays with or wants to invite. You could discreetly pull him to the side at pick-up time and quietly ask him to point out which friends he'd like to invite, then bring invitations for them the next day. Walking around with invitations and saying right in front of each classmate, "Yes, give one to her. No, don't give one to him. Yes, give one to him, but not him" ... is rude. I don't see how anyone could see it as okay, but clearly some people do, since the kid's mom at my DS's preschool obviously didn't have a problem doing it.

Excellent advice to solve the problem.