"we miss(ed) you at church" - what's your opinion on this?

[summermay]

A spin-off to a thread on "talk among ourselves" when you get emails from companies that say, "we miss you."

What are your thoughts about getting emails and letters from other church members, I missed seeing you at church etc.
Is it a nice gesture or else?

Any thoughts appreciated.



Edit to add: it happens at my friend's church. Not sure if it's a hint rather not to join/attend their congregation.

[holyhelianthus]

I've gotten this so many times and I have to say for me it bugs and is more than a little passive aggressive.

[SubliminalDarkness]

I grew up in a church that keeps roll and tracks your attendance. I haven't attended in 8 years, and I still get cards and notes and people showing up at my door.
So, to put it lightly, I have a problem with it.

[SunshineJ]

Well I'm torn on it. If you've gone to the same church say regularly for a couple years then you miss a month, I think it's an unobtrusive way to let you know that your presence is noticed, etc., and I think it can open the door for communication if there's any support you may need. I can definitely see how it could be overdone and get invasive though. On the other hand, we went to a church for 5 years, they knew that DH had lost his job and we were really struggling, and for the 4 months or so that we couldn't afford the gas to get there, all we got was a note asking if they could drop us off our membership role since we hadn't been attending. Considering that our situation was well known and no one ever called just to say hi or see how we were doing, that was a nice slap in the face. So I think it's ok if done in the right circumstances and not overdone.

[frontierpsych]

I think it depends on the situation, but it's generally pretty easy to tell when it's a sincere "Hey, you're usually here and we've noticed you haven't been" vs a passive aggressive "So, haven't been to church in a while, don't you love God anymore?" or whatnot.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

To me they are saying it because they truly miss you. I dont see it as passive aggressive in any way. No more than saying I have missed you to family member you havnt seen in a couple of weeks.

[kgrace]

As a regular church goer all of my life I'm bothered by the "WE've missed you" or I haven't seen you in soo long where have you been?
I feel if there was genuine concern about me they would have called, sent an encouraging email or if they had a particular burden bring me soup or invite me to coffee?? To me words are empty, especially if they ask about a family member that has been absent from church a few times.
If I haven't made it to church there is a good reason, usually like I was sick, worn out or other hardships.I would rather someone notice me and say Hi when I'm there, than talk about when I couldn't make it. Why not just say, so good to see you!!

[alexsam]

Originally Posted by frontierpsych

I think it depends on the situation, but it's generally pretty easy to tell when it's a sincere "Hey, you're usually here and we've noticed you haven't been" vs a passive aggressive "So, haven't been to church in a while, don't you love God anymore?" or whatnot.

Yes. This.

[ebethmom]

I would rather get a phone call than a letter or postcard. And a phone call should be made with true concern, not just part of the gossip chain. My dh is a pastor, so this is a truly hypothetical situation for me. If I miss a Sunday, everyone knows exactly why and which Sunday I'll be back!

[holyhelianthus]

Originally Posted by MCatLvrMom2A&X

To me they are saying it because they truly miss you. I dont see it as passive aggressive in any way. No more than saying I have missed you to family member you havnt seen in a couple of weeks.

Not always. Sometimes it can be like that and that is welcome but there are times where it is more like "you haven't been at church. Where's your faith? If you loved God you'd be coming!"

[cappuccinosmom]

The church we attend now has an obessive roll-taker. We get letters in the mail everytime we miss a Sunday. It's their routine and how they do things, I know they don't mean anything bad by it.

I don't take it badly when people say it to me, either. I've never experienced anything other than sincerity when they say it, and I've said it too. And when I say it, I mean it. I missed seeing that person.

[Aeress]

If they really missed us, i think they would call, otherwise the letters seem to be routine to me. I know my old church had a communion requirement and it you didn't commune so many times than you weren't considered an active member and couldn't vote, so they sent out cards when you missed several services.
I attend a UU church and we send out cards when someone has a special concern, illness, death in the family and it is done out of genuine concern.

I also don't mind a note along with a newsletter as a way of saying, hey we missed you, just letting you know what is going on.

I would not be comfortable with attendance that is tracked. I know it doesn't mean good people attend church and bad ones do not but it kinda feels that way.

[lilyka]

depends on if they actually miss me. a generic post card, ticks me off. if you missed me you would call and say so. not send me a post card. my dentist and OB do that to remind me it is time to come in. (actually even my OB is more personal that that). makes me feel like theymiss my money more than me.

but at my church if I was absent a while someone would call or stop by to actually check up on me. with real concern and if something is wrong an offer to help, if they I miss you, they will really mean it. and I love that. because if I am missing church things probably are not ok.

[LionTigerBear]

Letters and cards seem weird to me, if they are mostly generic.

If spoken, it completely depends on the tone of voice. I say this often enough, and I say it as a spotty-attendence member myself, so no judgment or anything meant to be inferred by it!

I also think there's a big difference between "WE missed you at church" (kind of-- I don't know-- condescending??) vs. "I missed you at church" which is more personal and seems more sincere.

[Tradd]

Originally Posted by lilyka

but at my church if I was absent a while someone would call or stop by to actually check up on me. with real concern and if something is wrong an offer to help, if they I miss you, they will really mean it. and I love that. because if I am missing church things probably are not ok.

Yeah, mine, too.

I guess it all depends on the individual situation, size of congregation, etc. I'm an extremely active member (choir, president of women's group, etc.) of a 150-200 member congregation. I have contact with my priest at least 1-2 times a week on email about various thing. People know that if I miss church, something is truly, terribly wrong. So, not only would I get a call or email from friends, I'd also hear from my priest.

[AFWife]

If I'm attending regularly and suddenly miss a Sunday I don't mind getting a "we missed you. Hope everything is okay" card or phone call. I may have slept in because of something the night before OR I may have had a family emergency come up and been unable to contact anyone.

I'm also okay with the "We loved having you" after you attend the first time and maybe a followup if you don't go back the next week.

However!

If, after either situation, you are gone more than a couple of weeks with no "reason" (you don't mention that you're going out of town for example) then the cards should stop. Maybe send one if there's something special going on (holiday service, workshop that you might be interested in, etc...)

DH and I know what it's like to be HOUNDED about missing ANYTHING at church ("The doors were open and you weren't there. Why not??" kind of thing) and it's a PITA.

[lyno]

I think it's better than not being missed! I haven't shown up at my church in about 6 months and no one's even noticed or cared. makes you feel like no one really cares if you're there or not. it would be nice if someone called me up and said "hey where've you been I've missed you".

[somanythings]

Originally Posted by lyno

I think it's better than not being missed! I haven't shown up at my church in about 6 months and no one's even noticed or cared. makes you feel like no one really cares if you're there or not. it would be nice if someone called me up and said "hey where've you been I've missed you".

ITA I left a church for almost 6 months with NO notice/call/letter anything, then returned and had several people say, "I really missed you/wondered where you were/etc." and I was like you could have called or something.

[lilyka]

i left two churches, just up and left and no one ever asked me if everything was ok etc (it wasn't) the first I went to for 12 years. TWELVE YEARS. I was on staff for a large chunk of it. STAFF. and nothing. no mystery why I left huh. But still if all I got was a generic card a couple of weeks or years later I would still feel completely invisible.

The second church while no one ever contatced me they did good. There were actually a few ladies who just took it upon them selves to genuinely care about everyone in the church. when I would run into her out and about she would check in with me (I work in a public place and she is in at least once a week). She never pressed me on why I left (for all I know she did too, it went wonky very quickly there) but was very concerned that I had found a good church home and was thrilled to know I had. when I told her things were good she was tuned in enough to tell I was lieing and gently encouraged me to let her help. it was true love. not attenedance she was interested in. and I still feel warm and squishy about that woman and her mission in that church.

[Triciabn]

My experience with a vast array of churches... People are going to find a way to complain either way. Seriously this is never going to make everyone happy.
One side will say that it seems like the church is trying to make you feel guilty for not coming...or whatever
The other side will be mad that no one noticed they left.

My opinion is a letter or card is fine...or even a call from someone you actually knew at the church is *okay*....but so help the church person who shows up at my door and says they miss me, lol...

Both points are valid...and churches are screwed either way.
Tricia