Advice needed please

[Raine822]

Me and hubby have been struggling with how best to deal with multiple issues we have with my mother. She completely disregards ALL decisions we make as parents. She feels that being older she should be the "expert". Our daughter is getting old enough to be affected by her behavior. Examples:

-She refuses to correct negative behavior and tells us(in front of LO) not to correct her.
-Refuses to use safety measures we feel are necessary such as baby gates or installing the car seat correctly.
-Will not respect our wishes concerning TV watching, feeding, ect.
-Insists that her rights as the grandmother trump our rights as parents.
-Is beginning to demand unsupervised visitation and even wants to keep her overnight.
-If we try to discuss our wishes with her she turns the conversation into a "poor me" screaming match(with her the only one screaming).

These are very general as going into detail about the many, many times she has done these things would take a long post. If anyone would like more details/specifics I can certainly add more.

I have been at the point that I have considered stopping her from visiting with us. I do not wants to deny grandmother/granddaughter from having a relationship but I also fear the harm both emotionally/physically that could happen. I'm at the end of my rope. Please help.

[Tjej]

Would it help to meet her at a public place - a mall play area or something similar? That location alone would get rid of a lot of the points of conflict you are having. And likely protect you from screaming fits.

As far as the unattended or overnight visits, just say "no, I am not ready for that. I will tell you when I am." And if she brings it up again, repeat. It's simple, straightforward, and non-blaming.

HTH. I know it is more complicated than that, but hopefully a start.

Tjej

[AustinMom]

I would definitely nip in the bud! If she is doing that now, what will she do when the kid(s) are 2 years or 5 years older?

We have an 18 MO and he for some reason is so facinated by phones that he HAS to hold one if he sees it, and SCREAMS when it is taken away for HOURS! He dials 911 alot, and if we turn the phone off, he knows and screams. We give him a "baby" phone and he knows it's not the real thing, and screams. I'm not kidding, so we weaned him off the "phone" and then when visiting Grami and Papa, they let him do whatever he wanted. Yeah, on the way home from Dallas to Austin, he screamed and cried because we wouldn't give it to him. It took about a week or so for him not to scream when I was on the phone and wouldn't give it to him, or try and pull it out of my hands. It's insane. So we are planning on having a real sit down with them

Now, this is NOTHING like your situation, I get that, but I would risk hurting her feelings over risking my kid being disrespectful and undermining me as their parent.

Tell her how you REALLY feel. I mean everything, like "I get the feeling you don't think I know how to parent." or, "You raised me, and now I am raising her, and I get to call the shots". Seriously. I can't imagine being in your situation.

[Lilyofthewest]

From my experience, when you have a situation like this it really is best to work out all the kinks before proceeding with visits. Respect has to be established. To have upset vibes going on around the children really does affect them. It is hard to stand up for your values as a new parent, and the transition of power so to speak.

[Latte Mama]

Your mom has some serious boundary issues. She thinks HER rights override yours as the parents? Really? Demanding unsupervised visits? No way. The car seat thing would actually be enough for me to make major changes in the relationship.

Have you tried talking to her alone? Honestly, if she starts screaming I'd simply walk away.

Tough situation but you are your child's advocate and sometimes that means hard choices. Maybe giving some space to clear the air for a bit would let your Mom see that in order to have a relationship, she needs to be respectful of your wishes as a parent. If she's not willing to bend, then you decide whether it's worth th angst to have her in your child's life.

[tireesix]

Originally Posted by AustinMom

We have an 18 MO and he for some reason is so facinated by phones that he HAS to hold one if he sees it, and SCREAMS when it is taken away for HOURS! He dials 911 alot, and if we turn the phone off, he knows and screams. We give him a "baby" phone and he knows it's not the real thing, and screams. I'm not kidding, so we weaned him off the "phone" and then when visiting Grami and Papa, they let him do whatever he wanted. Yeah, on the way home from Dallas to Austin, he screamed and cried because we wouldn't give it to him. It took about a week or so for him not to scream when I was on the phone and wouldn't give it to him, or try and pull it out of my hands. It's insane. So we are planning on having a real sit down with them

I totally understand the phone thing, my 14 month old is totally the same with phones.

OP, I would suggest to your mum in a politer way that it is either your way, or the highway, end of. Your daughter needs to grow up respecting YOUR boundaries, not the grand parents. Your mum already made her mistakes etc, its your turn now to be a parent.

[angelandmisha]

Yes, your mother has serious boundary issues that need to be dealt with. It sounds like you've already tried talking with her, though, to no avail.

What are you willing to do? Do you generally have a great relationship with your mom or does she act like this (the poor me screaming match response) about most things of consequence? If generally you're fine with her, I'd try talking to her again very directly and say that these are your family's rules and if she's unable or unwilling to comply that you'll have to stop seeing her (or see her without your child) until she can comply. Sounds harsh, but it may be the only thing that would convince her you're serious.

I haven't finished this book yet, but you might want to read Toxic Parents. Her behavior goes a bit past boundary issues it seems. The book is very interesting and may shed some light on your situation. At the end she gives advice on how to protect yourself from these types of people(that's the part I haven't gotten to yet). There are also several books about boundaries that might be helpful for your situation. I don't remember the authors but they're very good. I think they have one about boundaries in families and another about boundaries conversations which would help guide the conversation you'd have with your mom. I think these books might help give you some techniques that could be helpful with your mom.

I'm having a problem with my dad and have serious concerns about him
having much influence over our ds. This is a very real and valid concern on your part, don't let her twist it around and cause you to question yourself and what your family needs to function well. Good luck, it's not easy to have these sorts of talks with your parents.

[earthmama369]

A relationship with a grandparent can be a wonderful thing. But how is THIS relationship with THIS grandparent a healthy thing for your child? It's modeling unsafe actions, disrespect of parents, disharmony, horrible conflict resolution (screaming, etc.), and so on.

I would stop visits at this point. I would attempt a civil conversation -- when your child is not present -- explaining how things need to change in order to resume grandparent visits. If a civil conversation weren't possible, I would send one letter stating healthy boundaries. If she agreed, then I'd resume short visits, not too often. All visits would be supervised by a parent. With the way she's handled this, I would move very slowly and she would have to earn back increased visits. No way would I consider unsupervised visits or overnights at this point.

[IntuitiveJamie]

I would also get serious and if not visiting was the necessary action, take that action. I have had to personally do this with my mil and I would do it with my parents if need be too. Nobody overrules my parenting, nor ignores my rules and boundries. It is pretty cut and dry for me. Fortunately, after some time not being able to see her grandson hardly ever and missing two years of his important and special baby years, mil finally figured it out. Boundries are clear and set and there is no stepping on toes anymore. My parents just know better than to even go there.
It was very hard on my husband and I do feel bad about that. But he knew it was necessary too. Make yourself clear now and hope for a brighter future with a good relationship with the gma.

[mamazee]

I would cut out visits for now, and open a dialogue about what your boundaries are and what it will take for her to visit again. I would absolutely not give her unsupervised visits at any tmie in the foreseeable future.

I should add that I have unhealthy parents so that colors my views on these things. I apologize if it sounds harsh, but I have some baggage.

[SunshineJ]

First off, no way I would engage her into any kind of screaming match. You deserve to be treated better than that. I would write out a very calm letter detailing much of what you did here. Don't get into the blame game or point fingers or "you did this and you did this", more along the lines of "we are concerned with what we perceive to be a lack of respect for our parenting choices". Include in it things like "we feel our child having a relationship with you is important" but make it very clear that this type of behaviour isn't going to be acceptable any longer. She'll get pissed. She may call you - if she starts screaming tell her that you'll be happy to discuss it with her when she can speak calmly to you and hang up. Then the next time you visit and she starts with the same routine, calmly say something to the effect of "mom, this is what we're talking about. I need you to respect our decisions with child". If she stops, great - if she's genuinely willing to change remember habits don't die overnight and work with her. If she argues or refuses to stop her bahaviour, pick up your child and your stuff and leave. Do this EVERY time and she should eventually figure it out.

[Artichokie]

repeat after me: "we love you and will miss you but if you cannot respect our role as parents you will will no longer see your grandchildren." repeat and follow through as necessary. my mil know that if she starts up we will walk out immediately with no further warning. it is a shame that it has to be that way, but it is what has to be done, sadly.

[Raine822]

thank you all for the advice. We have been considering stopping visits and it's good to hear that other find it justified. We have compromised up to this point(always having visits at our home to avoid car trips and unsafe environments). So many times I hear "grandparents do those things" type responses that I was starting to wonder if all grandparents act up. again, I really appriciate the support.

[tanyam926]

I agree w/all of the advice of the pp, but I also wanted to say that if the current situation continues can you imagine what it will be like in a few yrs? It will only get worse, esp as your child(ren) get older.

Establishing healthy boundaries teaches your children very valuable lessons about self respect in the long run. Don't let anyone guilt you into not putting your foot down, it's not good for anyone.

[TinkerBelle]

Originally Posted by Raine822

Me and hubby have been struggling with how best to deal with multiple issues we have with my mother. She completely disregards ALL decisions we make as parents. She feels that being older she should be the "expert". Our daughter is getting old enough to be affected by her behavior. Examples:

-She refuses to correct negative behavior and tells us(in front of LO) not to correct her.
-Refuses to use safety measures we feel are necessary such as baby gates or installing the car seat correctly.
-Will not respect our wishes concerning TV watching, feeding, ect.
-Insists that her rights as the grandmother trump our rights as parents.
-Is beginning to demand unsupervised visitation and even wants to keep her overnight.
-If we try to discuss our wishes with her she turns the conversation into a "poor me" screaming match(with her the only one screaming).

These are very general as going into detail about the many, many times she has done these things would take a long post. If anyone would like more details/specifics I can certainly add more.

I have been at the point that I have considered stopping her from visiting with us. I do not wants to deny grandmother/granddaughter from having a relationship but I also fear the harm both emotionally/physically that could happen. I'm at the end of my rope. Please help.

Neither my mother or MIL act like that. They know the boundaries and they know darn well that neither DH or I would tolerate such nonsense. My mom says that neither of my grandmothers acted like that, either.

I know this is harsh, but you need to take a tough stance on her. Your child is not going to benefit from a grandmother who undermines the parents.

I would cut her off. At least for now. She needs to grow up, back off, and understand her place, which is not as parent of YOUR child.