Whoa...am I crazy?! This is weird

[ilanaRose]

I just called my ex who moved many states away (I JUST filed for divorce) to see if he got the divorce papers...instead his cell phone accidentally picked up without his knowledge, and I am currently LISTENING to it! I can totally hear that he is at some reggae/hip-hop club and I can hear a bunch of dumb-@ss giggling girls in the background...it's almost midnight where he lives...so hear I am...listening to everything that's going on in the background and can't bring myself to hang up the phone!!! I guess I am listening in the hopes of gathering more evidence or finding something that really enrages me...my skin is boiling, I want to puke...just KNOWING that he is out partying while I am being the parent, the MOM to our beautiful 7-month-old...i'm tired, sad, exhausted beyond belief, constantly nursing my 7 month old who still wakes up at night...and he is PARTYING...am I being ridiculous? shoud I just hang up and stop trying to hear something incriminating? help...

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

I dont see how hearing anything would help honestly I would just hang up the phone.

[Theia]

I doubt you'd get anything very useful that way, esp. since he's in a club. And it is possible that he answered the phone and left it open so you could hear what he is doing. He might be trying to incite/anger you. Next time you call I wouldn't bring it up, or I would just say something like, "it was weird, all I could hear was static in the background so I hung up."

I know how it feels to be left with all the responsibility while he gets to run around and go on with his life like nothing happened. It's hard, but I bet you have the best part of him right there in your arms. I'm sure if you were given the opportunity to trade places with him, you wouldn't do it.

[ilanaRose]

Well..my question was answered...after 50 minutes HE hung up the phone...lol....now I can get back to doing my homework haha... I called from a restricted number too so he wouldn't have known it was me ...I definitely think him picking up was an accident; thanks...and would you all have done the same thing? In all my craziness I actually took a video recording of the phone/time/date and what was being said in the background (lots of swearing, etc.). ....should I need it in my custody case...who knows if it would even help, but it can't hurt, right? except maybe to make me look like a psycho stalker lol

[Avani]

Well being that you live in the state of CA it is illegal to record any phone conversations without both parties permission and you can't use any recordings in family court issues. Next time hang up! You don't need to get yourself upset over what he is doing. Just enjoy that precious babe! He has no clue what he is missing out on. I'm here cuddling my sweet 6 month old babe and her dad is states away not even caring about her at all. He has never even asked how she is in over a month now. You get the best part, the sweet babe! All he has is mindless partying to fill a void.

[La Sombra]

I don't know that listening to the conversation will have done anything more than drive you crazy for 50 minutes while STBX was off have fun...but I am writing to send you my sympathies and my understanding of your situation.

Quite like during our marriage, STBX is proving that being with dd and caring for her is not a responsibility, per se, but something he does when he can manage to squeeze it in. He told me the other week, "Oh, I've been doing a lot of rock climbing lately." and I wanted to choke him through the phone. He's seen dd about, I don't know 10-12 times in the past seven weeks, cancelled several times and meanwhile my social life has taken a serious plunge because I take my responsibility as a parent seriously and I have to be here to look after her.

I try to remind myself, as PPs have suggested, that I am the lucky one, ultimately, for having the closeness I have with dd. But I do sometimes get bitter that I rarely get to just go out and have fun (nevermind just run to the store by myself, or stay late to meet with a professor, or ANYTHING) which he seems to be able to do whenever he wants.

[wytchywoman]

Mama, no court in this country is going to see anything wrong with what he was doing. He has the right to go out and party. Does it suck for you to bear the brunt of this alone? Yes. But you also get the reward of much time with your DC. When they are grown, they will know who raised them, invested all their time and soul and heart in to them. You. Not him. As hard as it is, as exhausting as it can be, we win. Let him have his giggling girls and clubbing and boozing. That's a very shallow sort of happiness. What you have trumps it 100 times over. ((((((HUGS)))))

[ilanaRose]

...

Thanks for all the advice...and yes, I AM the lucky one!!! sooo true.... and, as karma would have it, he lost his phone (or it got stolen) that same night! Today his cell message says whoever has his phone to please call his cousin and return it... for some reason, I feel bad for him instead of happy that he lost his phone... there is always "something" with this man and when we were together I was the glue holding him together (for better or for worse)....

[meemee]

just an fyi - which you really havent done here, but dont try to find out what your ex is upto. it really creates unnecessary pain for you. the knowledge does not help you, so it is pointless.

however i will also say this - men have a different way of reacting to pain. for many drinking and partying or a new girlfriend is a way to escape the pain or anger or whatever they are feeling (and yes they do feel something). it may sound like they are having fun - but it may not be so.

[Kailey's mom]

((hugs)) I would have done the exact same thing!!!!!! I'm so sorry, what an ass

[Learning_Mum]

Originally Posted by meemee

just an fyi - which you really havent done here, but dont try to find out what your ex is upto. it really creates unnecessary pain for you. the knowledge does not help you, so it is pointless.

however i will also say this - men have a different way of reacting to pain. for many drinking and partying or a new girlfriend is a way to escape the pain or anger or whatever they are feeling (and yes they do feel something). it may sound like they are having fun - but it may not be so.

I have to agree with this. Heck, even when I was younger it's what I did if I broke up with a boyfriend. I can honestly say since H left there have been a few times that I've wanted to head out to a bar!

Next time, just hang up the phone, you're really not going to do anything but cause yourself more hurt. I understand why you did it, but you need to remember that it's not healthy for you at all!

[ExOfficia]

I can completely understand your feelings of wanting to know what is up. I am in a similar boat, and it's heightened by the fact that stbx left me for an affair. I keep thinking that I *need* to know what is going on in order to move on, but I am learning quickly (as many, many of my friends have told me) that this is just a form of self-flagellation and serves absolutely no good.

The advice I've received on how to combat this is to resist the urge with all your might, and then turn that energy towards yourself in a positive way. Do something, anything, that you see as a step forward for yourself. I had one of these moments yesterday, and I ended up packing 10 boxes of "his" books up and just putting them out of sight- not because I wanted to help him pack, but working towards the goal of making my living space truly mine is a really positive step for me. Your steps are probably different, but the emphasis is to look at yourself, and give yourself something positive that you need, almost a gift to yourself.

Oh, and what meemee said about men escaping is soooooo true. In my stbx's case his way of coping with himself (major mental health issues that he doesn't want to deal with) is to plunge head first into a relationship with an ex-gf from 23 years ago. At the moments where I fool myself into thinking it's not fair that he's "happy", I remind myself of who he really is, and how he's still that person wearing the bandaid of a new relationship. It will catch up with him, at some point.

*Hugs* mama, and be gentle with yourself.

[LoveOhm]

There is not perfect path to being a single mama! Just one foot in front of the other, step by step! (((hugs)))