Anyone else getting flak for sleeping a lot?

[Jenica]

My DH is a great guy but he's one of those people who only needs 7 hrs of sleep or less and he thinks anyone who sleeps more is just being lazy. It make's me so mad!!! I have always needed about 9 hrs to feel rested. I can make do with 8 but my energy level is horrible if I do. Since I've been pregnant I've needed more sleep 10-11hrs and he just doesn't understand.

So this morning I was saying how I'm going to have to start getting to bed earlier because next week we are having a contractor start some renovations and he will be here early in the morning. Well DH starts up on the whole I can't believe you need that much sleep, and I doubt other pregnant women sleep as much as you. I pointed out the pregnant women I know who do indeed sleep that much and he comes back with, well I can guarantee my mother didn't sleep that much when she was pregnant with me. Argh!!!! I could kill him. So then I googled how many hours of sleep pregnant women need and the health risks to mom and baby if you don't get enough and he kind of just blew it off.

His bringing up his mom just drove me over the edge. My MIL and I get along great but DH seems to think she is the perfect woman and it drives me nuts when he brings her up as an example. To be fair he brags about how great I am and how much I do to anyone who will listen but to me he "teases" me about being lazy. He thinks it's just a big joke and probably doesn't really think I'm lazy but it makes me so mad. I'm especially sensitive to it because I don't work outside the home and our first kid is on the way so I get a lot of "what do you do all day" from other people. I actually do a lot. We have land and I have a huge organic garden that I grow most of our vegetables for the year in and I can and freeze a ton every year. Then I have a bunch of chickens for eggs and I take care of them. I get fresh milk from a neighbor and make all our own cheese, yogurt, and butter. We live in a 100 year old house and I am always working on some project since I am the one that's handy. And since I don't work and DH provides for us I don't ask him for any help around the house, so I do all the cooking, housework, and laundry. I really am pretty busy all day. But my MIL worked when DH was a kid so automatically she is the harder worker even though DH's stepdad did all the cooking and laundry and helped with the cleaning. What makes it all worse is a lot of the things I normally do are heavy on the manual labor part and I've had to let DH take over because I'm not supposed to do any of it, so I've been feeling lazy.

Ugh, sorry about the long rant. DH had to run to the store this morning and I've just been sitting here getting more and more mad.

[gcgirl]

Sleep is one of those things that can get me so mad. Sleep is more important to me than food! And unfortuntely, people who don't needs as much sleep are usually NOT very understanding about those of us who do. No advice, but you could tell him if he EVER compares you to his mom again, he's sleeping on the couch for a month.

[GuavaGirl]

Just letting you know that you are definitely justified in getting lots of sleep. ...and you sound like you do tons of work. I completely despise how going to a job if often seen as "real work" and work at home is not, even though it's usually more exhausting. I think it's because it's easier, with outside work, to quantify what you're doing, with hours and paychecks, but home work is sort of this never ending thing and you don't get a set payment/reward for. I hate getting "Well, what did you do all day?" It's so demeaning. I hope maybe you can have a heart to heart with your dh, but I know sometimes it can just be hard for them to get it through their heads...because it's not something they can relate too. Now that I've had some issues because of not getting enough sleep and had a bad episode of preterm contractions, dh has changed his mindset quite a bit....helping with chores, cooking, grocery shopping, etc.

I'm sorry that you're so frustrated. I'm sure a lot of us feel for you. I hope the situation gets better.

[MiaMama]

It really sounds like you do a lot!. Even though no one TELLS me they think I'm lazy, I worry all the time that they think that, but just don't say it to my face. So I can imagine how you feel.

Sometimes people forget that you are not only growing a tiny baby, but you have to grow a whole other ORGAN to nourish that baby. Ask your husband to grow another liver, then tell you if he's tired or not.

My MIL was talking about how after her 2nd baby, she wanted to go to a party that night. That's fine for her, but I was not ready after birthing to go out and be up and around. Every woman is different, and I suspect 20-30 years also tends to distort the memories a bit.

Also, I have reminded some of the SAHM doubters that if I did not do what I did, my husband would pay someone else (or multiple someone elses) lots of money to do it instead. He would need childcare, and an accountant, and landscaping service, and would eat out at least 10x more than he does, therefore, he would be paying a chef, and a waiter. (not that I play waitress to him, but he would definitely eat out wayyy wayyy more if I was not home to do the grocery shopping and some cooking.)

Each marriage has different roles, but you get the gist. Once the baby comes, it is easier to explain, but that does not mean what you do is not worthwhile before the LO is born.

So, it sounds like you are doing a WHOLE lot, more than I do these days (also pregnant) and you should be proud of yourself!

ETA: When I first met DH, I was working full time as a Sat Com tech, part time as a pool manager and swimming teacher (6 hours, 3 nights a week), and going to college online. Being a stay at home wife and mother (although still going to college online) is much more challenging and tiring at times. Sometimes I wish I could go back to work so I could take a little break! LOL

[Snapdragon]

not getting flak for it- but I can say I hear you on the needing to sleep all the time thing. I have slept through much of this pregnancy!

[Jenica]

Originally Posted by GuavaGirl

I completely despise how going to a job if often seen as "real work" and work at home is not, even though it's usually more exhausting. I think it's because it's easier, with outside work, to quantify what you're doing, with hours and paychecks, but home work is sort of this never ending thing and you don't get a set payment/reward for. I hate getting "Well, what did you do all day?" It's so demeaning. I hope maybe you can have a heart to heart with your dh, but I know sometimes it can just be hard for them to get it through their heads...because it's not something they can relate too. Now that I've had some issues because of not getting enough sleep and had a bad episode of preterm contractions, dh has changed his mindset quite a bit....helping with chores, cooking, grocery shopping, etc.

I think you hit the nail on the head with the not "real work" thing. I think most people don't value something if money is not attached to it. My mom loves to tell people about how I have two bachelors degrees and I stay home and raise chickens, implying I'm wasting my life. And then people have actually asked me why I didn't want to do something more meaningful with my life. I happen to think making sure my husband and I get the healthiest most wholesome food possible is meaningful. I also think living with a small footprint is meaningful. I think eating home cooked meals is meaningful. It's ridiculous that people question the worth of what I'm doing but not someone who is a stock broker or something.

When DH and I were first together I did work a 9-5 but it came to a point where we realized all we were doing was living to work, instead of working to live. So we decided, emphasis on the we, that I should quit working so that I could do all the household stuff during the week and we could actually enjoy our weekends, instead of using them to try and catch up on everything. This is the other thing that drives me crazy about DH, it was completely a joint decision for me not to work. And it was a good decision because our quality of life went way up. We were a ton less stressed because we did actually have time to relax at night and on weekends. We also didn't miss my income either because we spent a ton less since we ate out far less, and I saved a whole lot more on groceries, on gas, and clothing expenses.

I've talked to DH about his picking on my sleep habits before. I've shown him the studies on the importance of sleep and even had my doctor tell him that my sleep habits were normal and that I needed to sleep the amount I was. It just doesn't sink in, he doesn't need that much sleep so neither should I. It's like he doesn't really believe all the studies that point out the risks of not getting enough sleep while pregnant. I guess I should be thankful that it's just comments he makes and his actions are more supportive. He has been helping out more around the house, especially when he can tell I'm dragging, and he is careful about not waking me up in the morning when he gets up so I can sleep in more. The comments were just getting starting to add up and really irk me, the comparison to MIL just put me over the edge.

Thanks for all the support and for letting me vent

[Lousli]

When I was completely overwhelmed by exhaustion in my first trimester of pregnancy I asked my mom (she's a nurse midwife) why I was so tired. She says with the additional blood volume your heart has to pump during pregnancy, it is the equivalent of running a marathon *every day*!

There is a real, physical reason for the tiredness. It has nothing to do with laziness. See if you can find some information that shows the physical changes your body goes through when pregnant. Does your husband realize that your internal organs are actually shifting to accommodate your growing baby? That pressure is put on your bladder and/or your lungs? That even in a normal, healthy pregnancy you are carrying 20 or more extra pounds of weight and your center of gravity has changed? That your body creates a hormone that causes your pelvis and connective tissue to relax?

Some people don't realize all the changes that a pregnant woman goes through and seem to think that it is all a walk in the park. Pregnancy isn't just, "Hey my belly got bigger" and everything else stays the same. I hope he can gain some real perspective on this issue because when the baby is born you'll be needing all the sleep you can get, night and day. You'll be just as exhausted as you are right now. You'll also probably get very little done around the house. You might be lucky to get a shower some days. I hope he isn't expecting you to take care of a newborn, the chickens, the land, clean/mend things in the house, and prepare a home-cooked meal once the baby arrives!

[jillmamma]

Just tell him here is yet another pg lady that needs a lot of sleep! If I don't get it at night, I take a nap during the day. I don't raise chickens or garden like you, but I do take care of household stuff and a 7 year old and 4 year old. Sounds to me like he thinks teasing you is just fine, that you know he does not mean it, but does not realize that it is really getting to you. Maybe you could just let him know that pregnancy also makes you feel more sensitive to stuff like that, so maybe he could lay off the teasing a bit?

[crazyrunningmama]

1. you are making a whole other person!!!! Of course you are tired.
2. I would loooooove 10-11 hours of sleep a night as would many many pregnant women, get it while you can
3. This sounds like an issue of respect. If it were me, I would say "Hey do you respect me or not, because when you call me lazy it sounds to me like you don't respect how hard I work and the fact that I am listening to my body right now".

[tngirl11]

I think it's awesome that you are doing the best thing for your body and for your baby! Besides, the kind of stuff that you are doing every day takes a lot of energy, especially when you are pg. I don't have the same problem, but I have a similar problem in that I tend to go to bed really, really late because I spend a lot of time at nigh after my kids go to bed cleaning, baking, paying bills, etc (in other words, not "fun" stuff), but if I try to sleep in on a Saturday when DH is home, he acts like I'm being lazy. It definitely pisses me off too. I hope your DH realizes that he needs to be more sensitive to your needs!

[Jenica]

Well things are better now. I told him I've been upset about what he said this morning all day and he was really shocked. He said he was just annoyed that I was going to start going to bed even earlier because he likes spending time with me at night. He said he didn't think I was lazy at all he just has a hard time understanding needing so much sleep because he needs so little but that it didn't make me lazy. I ended up breaking down and crying telling him how much I hate that I can't do all the stuff I normally do and how I feel lazy because of that and how everyone acts like I'm lazy because I don't work. I totally lost it but he was really great, gave me a big hug, apologized for hurting my feelings, told me he didn't want me doing all I normally do and he likes helping out because I'm making our kid and that's so important. So much better.

On a side note I talked to my MIL and asked her out of curiosity how much she slept when she was pregnant and she said her normal six hours. She said she's always needed very little sleep though so not to think that was normal. I swear her and DH are mutants they need so little sleep!

[SoulCakes]

I'm going to try to be nice, because this is one subject that gets me really, really riled up.

Basically, my husband is just like yours! I'm not pregnant at the moment, but I need more than 8 hours of sleep a night, and always have. But my husband AND my mother always "joke" about how I sleep "all the time". Sigh. Then there's the stay at home side of it, which I don't even want to get into.

I imagine it's like being overweight - some people seem to think that being overweight is a personality flaw, like needing sleep is somehow a personality flaw. People have different bodies and different needs! Gah! And why does it offend some people so much, anyway? Are they that jealous that I needed a nap?!

I can't even talk about this coherently... I just get all angry inside. Anyway, I hear ya. Let me know if you find a way to get your point across to your husband that doesn't end with him saying, "Take it easy, it was just a joke."

[GuavaGirl]

Jenica: Yay! I'm happy you had such a good talk. I've definitely had very similar talks/cry fests with dh...where I get all my feelings out, realize there was a bit of a misunderstanding, and then feel so much better afterwards. It's great for couples bonding.

[newmommy7-08]

So here's what you need to do next time he gives you grief... look him dead in the eye and say when you can grow a child in your body you can judge how much sleep a person needs to do so. I'd also be tempted to guess that your MIL is having selective amnesia since it was a while ago that she was pregnant.

[mntnmom]

I normally need a lot more sleep than DH. While I was pregnant the first time, we had some of the arguments you are now. I mostly blew him off. When I was pregnant with number 2, getting up at night with DD, he realized how very worn down I was, things changed.
But you shouldn't have to go through that. He needs to realize that not only do people have different sleep needs, but you are sleeping for two!! If his mother didn't sleep that much (like he remembers!!), either she didn't need it, or she did damage to her own health that she may never realize.
On the rare occasion DH compares me to his mother I ask if he "wants to be married to his mother".
I am glad the two of you talked it out. These hiccups are really part of a healthy long term relationship. I'm glad you're feeling better!

[staceychev]

I'm glad things worked out with DH after you talked! He sounds like he's a good man overall... Husbands can say stupid things sometimes. I think that men don't always get what is going to upset a woman, because we don't tend to take things at face value as much as they do.

For what it's worth, I should be waking up every day between 5 and 5:30, but I'm barely getting out of bed by six, and that's only because if I don't, I'll miss homeroom. Then, I'm pretty much done for the night by 8 or 8:30, and it's just a matter of getting my four year old to bed. I'm tired constantly!

[linchi]

Just wanted to say that I think you are far from lazy and that I hope your husband is a bit more careful next time he wants to joke around with you.

I am amazed at what your daily activities must be like! Chicken care, organic farming and making your own dairy products, wow! You get a big old thumbs up from me !

[nashvillemidwife]

Originally Posted by Jenica

My DH is a great guy

he thinks anyone who sleeps more is just being lazy.

These are contradictory statements.