Name calling and mean words

[SkylarVT]

My 4.5 year old daughter has had experienced some mean talking and name calling twice in the last couple of weeks, (once by an older child at the park and once at her gymnastics class), and now she has started using the same words/behavior towards her two year old brother and DH and I. She has been calling her brother "stupid" and a "stinky little rat", and telling DH and I that we are "stupid" and that she doesn't like us because we are "stupid and ugly". The are definitely things we do not say in our home and we do our best to speak to each other respectfully and kindly. We have been asking her to remember what it felt like when she was called these things and explaining that it makes her brother and us feel hurt the same way when she calls us these things but it hasn't seemed to make a difference. She even says that she wants her brother to feel hurt because he is "stupid" and he deserves it. This talk goes on all day long, whenever something doesn't go exactly her way. We occasionally do time outs, (for major things like hitting or biting her brother), and we have tried time outs for the name calling, but I don't think it's getting the point across. I also feel like time outs aren't the way to go anyway, so I am looking for another way to address issues like these.

[mrsfatty]

"Wow! That really hurts my feelings! What do you think that means when you say that to me?/Why are you calling me names/saying mean words to me?"

or

"Wow! That really hurts my feelings! You sound upset. Do you want to tell me about it?"

[Anastasiya]

I would just say "I refuse to speak with you or be around you until you can come up with some new words to use when you are upset." And then I would send her to her room in order to give her time and space to think up another way to say what she wanted to say.

I would do that over and over again so that the new ways to express herself will come easier until they are a habit and the "ugly" words are dropped.

I will not tolerate that kind of talk, though. I think it is far more damaging and insulting to the people who have to hear that they are "stupid" or "fat" or "ugly" than it is "damaging" to punish the person who is saying it for a reaction.

[SkylarVT]

Originally Posted by mrsfatty

"Wow! That really hurts my feelings! What do you think that means when you say that to me?/Why are you calling me names/saying mean words to me?"

or

"Wow! That really hurts my feelings! You sound upset. Do you want to tell me about it?"

We have done this a lot, especially when the issue first came up. It didn't seem to diminish the behavior though, she would just repeat that she was saying it because we were stupid/ugly/whatever.

[SkylarVT]

Originally Posted by Anastasiya

I would just say "I refuse to speak with you or be around you until you can come up with some new words to use when you are upset." And then I would send her to her room in order to give her time and space to think up another way to say what she wanted to say.

I would do that over and over again so that the new ways to express herself will come easier until they are a habit and the "ugly" words are dropped.

I will not tolerate that kind of talk, though. I think it is far more damaging and insulting to the people who have to hear that they are "stupid" or "fat" or "ugly" than it is "damaging" to punish the person who is saying it for a reaction.

I will try this. I like that it's more of a time for her to think of new words instead of a punishment. I agree that it could be damaging for my son to hear these things from DD, (DH and I are adults and understand that she doesn't really mean it). Any tips on how I would handle this if we were in public, (grocery store, etc.), and I couldn't send her into her room to think about it? I have been getting a lot of this while we are out, ("no cookies! You're stupid!"). Sigh.

[One_Girl]

I would focus on trying to help her feel like she has other options when she is angry with her brother. We used to role play what to do when we are angry or frustrated and that helped dd manage her emotions most of the time. It may be that some sibling rivalry material would be useful to read if a lot of her anger is directed at her brother. I only have one child, but I remember actually hating my brother at times and not believing that I would ever love him again. I am sure he remembers feeling the same way at times and I know it used to hurt my mom to watch us fight. There are probably some really great resources for helping kids work through those feelings while keeping yourself sane.

[Ravenlunatic]

My dd and her friends went through this stage starting in the early 4 year old age. They are now 5 to 5 and a halfish and it seems the stage has passed. One of our friends children, like with all of their rules, was not allowed to say 'stupid' for any reason and was punished (with going to her room or with privilages (snacks and tv) taken away. This little girl quit saying stupid long before my dd did. At our house we informed her (over and over again) about peoples feelings and being respectful. Not each time she said we were stupid, but overall during this stage a lot of 'respect' issues come up and we inform her of what we expect. We did not ever punish her for saying stupid, mostly we ignored it or simply said 'no I'm not'. If it escalated into her screaming 'your stupid' then it became an overall behavior issue and was dealt with differently. My point is, is that we gave her no power when she used this word (and trust me there will be more) and she eventually stopped the behavior. It seems so many stages of behavior pop up and children can't just be punished for everything. Once they understand what is expected and aren't saying it just to get a reaction then it is time to be more firm. I think the overall message of what is expected from them is what is necessary for children to know, but they WILL still go through the stage of experimenting. I think if you are overly controlling and don't allow them some freedom to experiment it will ultimately backfire.

[Anastasiya]

Originally Posted by Ravenlunatic

It seems so many stages of behavior pop up and children can't just be punished for everything.

Just because some people choose to punish their children for saying certain things does NOT mean the children are being punished for everything. I wouldn't look at it that way.

...but they WILL still go through the stage of experimenting. I think if you are overly controlling and don't allow them some freedom to experiment it will ultimately backfire.

But how do you know that allowing her to use those words won't backfire?

See, I'm of the thought that words such as that actually hurt people. I wouldn't let my children call people ugly, fat, retarded, or any other derogatory word like stupid because it is offensive. Offensive and hurtful things don't need to be "experimented" with, IMHO, anymore than letting my child "experiment" with taking out her anger by hitting, punching, kicking, etc. her siblings.

[Ravenlunatic]

I just meant my comment regarding children going through stages to be a general overview of how I view parenting. I know that some folks will choose to gently discipline their children for saying stupid, as they should if they choose.

I didn't mean to single out those who choose to, but it may have sounded that way. Thanks for clarifying that.

And yes, allowing her to use 'hurtful' words could backfire. I trust each parent can make the call where the leeway to their discipline practices should fall.

I think the example of experimenting with anger you gave is a little extreme. Of coarse you are not going to allow your child to experiment with their anger by hitting a sibling. I would not allow my dd to call a friend or sib stupid either. What I meant was that children will experiment with language in general and simply saying stupid in the early stages of understanding the power of our words isn't cause (in our house) to be sent to your room or put in time out. Thats it, in our house. I know others have different ways of doing things and I am often thankful they do so I can learn from them, mistakes and all.