Lost an old friend to suicide.

[<3mymom]

I just lost a friend to suicide and I just don't know how to handle it. I feel angry, sad, numb, guilty, and like crying and puking all at the same time.

This was a person I grew up down the street from my whole life, and I feel so awful that we didn't get along very well at all in the last few years. He was mentally ill, very much so, the last time I saw him he was walking around the neighborhood shirtless threatening to smash his father's head in with a guitar, I wanted to go to him to calm him down but my own dad stopped me. It was probably best but I feel so sad that I never reached out to him and now he's gone. I knew he needed help, his family knew, but no one could force him to get it.

I just don't know how to cope with this I keep having these awful thoughts about him dying. I don't know how he committed suicide but I can't get the thoughts of it out of my head, I can't stop wondering what was going through is mind, what if he regretted it as he was dying but couldn't get help? I just can't stop wondering and it hurts. I need a way to cope with this though because I have so much stuff to do this coming week, I won't even be able to make it home for the funeral. I don't know what I am asking for but maybe someone can help me.

[Bokonon]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have no words of wisdom, but you are in my thoughts. I hope you are able to find peace.

[Wild Lupine]

I am so sorry. Suicide is a very particular, very painful kind of loss. Hugs to you.

[<3mymom]

Thank you so much for the kind words. I'm doing alright today, it's just been a really rough weekend, a second person died, then at about 1am last night my humidifier exploded and set my carpet on fire. It's just been a rough weekend.

[laohaire]

I'm sorry for your loss. I was not getting along with my friend when she committed suicide either, we were not on speaking terms. (But it wasn't supposed to be forever). Is there any way you can make it to the funeral? I felt cheated of this opportunity myself. Also you may be able to learn things there that will help you process.

[HarperRose]

My aunt shot herself in July 2007. It's something else. I mean, we've lost several people to death in the last couple of years, even my husband's mother died, but all of those were not deliberate. Car accidents, heart failure, and the like.

Suicide is different. There are no answers.

I'm so sorry.

[lab]

Suicide is horrible. My dear brother committed suicide. Three years later - I am still wrestling with the emotions and pain that go with it.

I'm so sorry to hear of your friend. I know everyone says it takes time and while that must sound trite, it is the truth. I personally sought grief counseling because I just couldn't seem to get over it.