Straddling two worlds: UP but with rules (long-ish) - Page 2

[NellieKatz]

OneGirl, you and the others have totally misunderstood the toilet paper thing. It was just a story to illustrate the way he cut me off while I was talking. It was NOT a lecture and I have ZERO problem with people asking for toilet paper!! LOL!!!!

I guess I should have used another example, so you would not have gotten mixed up. I had just been explaining to my son that since he objected to the rapid disappearance of TP in the momma bathroom, he'd be better off using the one used primarily by a guy (i.e. daddy's bathroom downstairs) because guys use less. Had ZERO to do with me thinking he shouldn't ask for TP. For heavens sakes! He didn't even NEED any and wasn't asking for any!! He was just observing the roll being nearly empty and making a commentary on THAT.

Again, my reason for bringing it up was that it was an example of him cutting me off mid-sentence.

Now, if HE (like you guys) misinterpreted my comments as lecturing him about the toilet paper, then this whole silly exchange might actually be helpful. Because I certainly wasn't intending it as a lecture or even a criticism!, but like I always say, it doesn't matter how I intended it, it matters how he HEARD it. If this is what happened, then I need to be more careful in my wording or whatever, so that my true meaning is known and he doesn't feel lectured.

Phew. I think I am done with this thread....I was having a very rough day yesterday, struggling with foggy mind and wondering if it was Alzheimers (like my dad had) or perimenopause or just lack of sleep. But when I feel that way, let's just say I am not the smartest, wisest parent.

Thanks everyone.

[DevaMajka]

Haven't read any responses yet...

The book that REALLY helped me with this is Secret of Parenting. The author's name is Anthony Wolf, maybe?
It isn't necessarily UP, but I found it pretty easy to take the helpful stuff and incorporate it into a UP home. The subtitle of the book is something about "how to be in charge of kids without punishing and yelling." I know that being "in charge" isn't a UP thing, but I find that I use the info in such a way that it doesn't feel anti-UP (if that makes sense).

The thing is, sometimes things just have to happen. Older kids have to help. It's part of being in a family and working together. And you can insist that those things happen without expressing disappointment, etc.

And btw, (just in case you come back- just notice you said you were done with the thread), my ds uses threats with us, and that's never been a real part of our parenting. I did it on occasion without really thinking when he was a lot younger, but I think it's just something that kids experiment with.

I got your example about the TP. He didn't need or want more tp. He was just complaining about the fact that it was being used so fast. lol. Yep, sounds a little bit like my 5yo. lol

When ds gets really irritating with the rude tone and rude words, if it gets to the point that it's hard for me to deal with I sometimes tell him "I'm gonna pretend you did not just say that." I think that sometimes he gets stuck in the rude attitude, and can't really break himself of it. I remember getting stuck in it as a teen. So if *I* step back and give him a chance to start clean, he is better able to do that. I don't mention that specific incident afterward. Sometimes, though, I will talk about being rude in general, and how people like to be talked to, etc.

[BetsyNY]

I think you chose a perfect example to illustrate the communication difficulties you're having. He says "why does this darn bathroom always run out of toilet paper so fast?" You had a million different ways to respond. It seems like you're seeing him in the complaining light, and so you respond in kind to his complaints, telling him to use a different bathroom if he doesn't like this one...rather than making a joke, simply saying "huh!" or "really" or any one of many ways to respond.

Believe me, I understand, we've had quite a few months of negativity around here and I know it can be hard to deal with. You came here with an issue and people are trying to point out how you may be contributing to the problem. Of course we don't know every nuance, but you're coming here for advice and people are trying to give it.

Here's an article you might find helpful. I find it very grounding and a good reminder:

http://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt/misunderstand.html

[mamazee]

Is it possible you're just talking about stuff more than he wants you to talk about it? Like, a few times I've complained to my husband about something, and he'll sit here and suggest solutions and try to fix it, but I am not looking for solutions so I just get upset. I just want to say how I feel. I told him that at some point, "This isn't your fault, and I don't need you to solve it. I just want to tell you how I feel." And that helped. But a kid might not be able to tell you that. Maybe he just wants to talk about stuff without you trying to fix it. "We're almost out of toilet paper!" "Oh." I think the first thing I'd do is to just step back, remove yourself from every issue that comes up, and stop talking about everything he brings up. It can feel like criticism when people talk much about every issue that comes up in your life. Some things just don't warrant discussion. It's really similar to the praise issue. Being told nice things sometimes feels good. But having continual appraisals of everything you do, even if they're positive, can cause anxiety. Who wants to be watched over that closely? Who wants everything they do to start up a big discussion? It's like being followed by the paraprazzi.