feelings of sadness/failure

[mandms]

I need to get this out somewhere with people who understand and may have felt the same. Yes my baby girl is here and safe and yes that's what matters! But don't I have the right to mourn my homebirth?!
Background: I ended up transferring to hospital after 16 hours of failure to progress baby was ascynclytic and arom was not possible. Also due to exhaustion and other factors baby's heartbeat was getting too high. We transferred broke waters and after two more hours of intense labor where I did lose my focus a lot she was born safely.
My last birth was a four hour beautiful textbook labor! I had dreams of repeating this at home staying in complete control and not feeling like a failure for losing myself at the end or being in a hospital!
My midwife assures me I wasn't as bad as I thought and that we gave it plenty of time and alternatives to try to speed things up or engage baby. How do I deal with these feelings of loss/inadequacy? I know I'm flirting with ppd but I'm crying every time I think about it! And I can't talk to anyone who doesn't go back to well at least she is safe!

[Happiestever]

I would suggest chatting in the Healing Birth Trauma, and the PPD forums. You are not alone and you shouldn't have to feel it. Best wishes mama~

[dogmom327]

You absolutely have the right to mourn your homebirth. Please don't listen to anyone in your life who says or implies anything different!

It is always a good thing when children are born safe and healthy but the experience does matter too and IMO is separate and still very important. No matter what we plan for our birth, if it deviates from the plan, there are legitimate feelings of disappointment that must be addressed.

Big hugs to you!

[MsBlack]

We are such complex, multidimensional beings, we humans....and we mothers especially, have such deep and diverse capacity to experience our lives, births, and children on an emotional level...

Which is to say, as others have--you can be happy your baby is safe, and still so sad that you lost your homebirth! You can be grateful for a healthy child in your arms, and still feeling so much loss.... there is no contradiction, no betrayal of your love and gratitude to still feel grief. Allow it all to be there--and find people to talk to, who understand how such different feelings can exist, side by side in you.

You will move through this in time....and I think, all the sooner and more fully if you fully acknowledge and honor your sorrow and sense of loss.

[sharr610]

I felt the same way after my failed homebirth. .

Hang in there mama, you have the right to feel however you are going to feel about it. It goes without saying you are happy to have a healthy babe, that is truly, beside the point. This has to do with you, your body, a precious experience that can't be rewritten, and dreams. Honor your feelings about those.

People who haven't been through it, honestly don't get it and honestly don't know what to say. Be forgiving with them and find people who understand to talk with you about it and let you have your feelings about it.

Hang in there. Time works wonders, I can assure you of that.

[iluvmy4girls]

I just wanted to say, I am sorry. I had a similiar experience with my last. My midwife's partner wouldn't believe me when I told her something felt wrong. My dd had an acyclitic face presentation. So I ended up at the hosp, with an epidural and threatened with a c/s. Thankfully my regular midiwfe came in and was able to move her. BUT I still felt like I let my baby and my body down. I ended up with full blown PPD. SO I encourage you to talk about it, mourn it, and do what your body is telling you that you need to do to work through this. It is difficult and the main stream birthing community just doesn't seem to get it.

[Comtessa]

Oh mama, I've BTDT! I ended up transferring for exhaustion too, and it was especially frustrating because it took literally all 40 weeks of my pregnancy to convince DH to try for a HB. It was a horrible, exhausting, exasperating, heartrending battle. And in the end, he finally agreed to support my desire for a HB, and then we ended up in the hospital after all. So I know what you're going through!

If it helps - I found comfort in my conviction that if I had not started with a HB plan, I would almost assuredly have ended up with a C-section. Even if I didn't "get" my homebirth, my plans for a home birth were likely the only reason that I got through DD's birth in one piece. So yes, DD is safe - as everyone keeps telling me - but more importantly, my HB plans were the reason I stayed safe. So, it wasn't a failure OR a waste, IMO.

However, that doesn't mean there aren't feelings of sadness AND failure. Like, "I trusted my body, I listened to my body, I knew I could do this!" and then... um... I actually couldn't.

Every birth is different, mama, and in a few weeks you'll be able to shift your focus from the sadness about not getting your HB to the positive things about the birth that you did have. It's all just too overwhelming right now, and I totally know where you're coming from! Call your MW and process it with her - that helped me a lot. And be gentle with yourself. And just nurse that baby, and love that baby. Her precious presence will heal your sadness, too.

[mandms]

wow.. you ladies rock!
i do feel much better i guess i just needed some validation that the birth process and the health of my child were two separate events.. related but no the same concept.
i will forever feel sad about this although i am feeling much more in control and can definitely see that it may have been a much scarier story without going the way it did..
thank you all for your comments and support!

[Youngfrankenstein]

I had a great homebirth on paper but I still have feelings that I don't want to think about it yet. It was 7.5 weeks ago. Everything was/is great but I still tread lightly on the subject.

You vent away! I was almost facing induction and I bawled for hours about it. There is no un-valid feeling on this subject!

We all understand how important this is for you!

[S.Elise]

I second the thought that things probably went WAAAY better (for you and baby) than they would have because you tried for a HB, even if it did not work out that the baby was born at home. You still labored at home for 16 hours, which I am sure saved you from so much hospital unpleasantness that likely would have made things go a lot worse in the end. Not to mention that the prenatal care I bet you got from an HB midwife was probably worlds better than anything a doc would have provided.

It sounds to me like you did an amazing job under extremely difficult circumstances, both in terms of your own experience and the baby's well being. I understand how you must feel, and of course you have every right and should mourn your HB, but you should also be extremely proud of yourself for getting through such a difficult labor!

[zoebird]

first, acknowledging them is the first step. It is absolutely ok to grieve every loss--including the loss of the birth that you wanted for yourself and your baby.

second, there is no reason to feel inadequate, though it is ok that you do. You did everything in your power to give yourself and your baby the best possible birth, and it just didn't work out. You needed help, and it's ok to need and seek help when you need it. You did everything exactly right and exactly perfect.

i know you may not believe that, but i offer you that for yourself, even if just used as an affirmation for a while until you believe it.

*hugs*

[~Kristina~]

I mourned my insane 'that didn't happen the way it was suppose to' hospital birth with my first. Definitely mourn it, but don't feel your body failed you, exhaustion is a terrible thing while NOT in labor.

BTW- what is ascynclytic?

[tireesix]

I felt the same after my 'bullied into' induction first birth and 'harder than it should have been transferring after birth home birth' second time around.

Honestly, everyone gets to grieve for what could have been, should have been, just because you have a healthy baby at the end doesn't mean your feelings are wrong.

[LynnE73]

Not to even remotely make light of what you are feeling about the birth itself, but having had a *really* traumatic homebirth myself that resulted in my son being transferred to NICU and he now has cerebral palsy (blanket term for brain injury) it helped me quite a bit to focus on my success with nursing him. I viewed it as the one thing my body could do right.

I also did EMDR therapy to help me deal with the whole experience. I initially thought it was going to be hoodoovoodoo but it was extremely helpful.

Congratulations on your sweet little one. Enjoy her Mama!

[MidwifeErika]

I felt very similarly after my 3rd baby was born. My 2nd had been a homebirth and we had planned for another homebirth, but ended up with a hospital birth instead. She was healthy, I was healthy, and had I planned for a hospital birth it would have been a pretty good one! However, I had strong emotions that I had to work out. I was disappointed it wasn't a homebirth. I was disappointed that things hadn't worked out the way that I had been planning and hoping.

Just know that eventually it won't feel quite as raw. Work through your emotions, feel them fully, and know that at some point it will be easier to look back at your birth experience without such intense emotions about it.