Found a book that could be a how-to for Unconditional Parenting!

[quelindo]

I'm about 1/3 of the way through this book, so I can't give a glowing review just yet, but so far I'm impressed. It's Honey, I Wrecked the Kids: When Yelling, Screaming, Threats, Bribes, Time-outs, Sticker Charts and Removing Privileges All Don't Work by Alyson Schafer.

Here's one article about the book:

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/7...ompliance.html

And this is what she says on her website:

In the book, I give detailed instructions for implementing a new style of parenting for the 21st century kid. The democratic approach is both firm and friendly. It respects the child’s dignity and rights while ensuring the same for parents. It should not be confused with permissive parenting, but all too often, it is.

Unique from other parenting literature,

Honey I Wrecked the Kids gives readers a simple method for diagnosing the four root causes of misbehavior applicable to every parenting situation. Once parents learns to understand their child’s motivation and goals, their new democratic parenting tools can be applied with great success. She gives tons of examples and techniques to use, and it seems like she is just as opposed to rewards and punishments as Alfie Kohn is. Instead she advocates finding out why your children are "misbehaving" (and she even qualifies that term by saying that it's just mis-directed behavior) and explains how to give them what they need instead. At the same time she stresses that as parents we have rights, too, and that family harmony is very important. I'm thrilled about this last part because although I know in my gut that UP is right for us, I do sometimes feel like I'm just being permissive and going to create a spoiled monster.

I'm so excited to read more of this book after DS goes to bed tonight!

[Wild Lupine]

Thanks! I'll have a look for it. I love the title.

[joanna0707]

interesting, will check libraries in my area

[Materfamilias]

So, what are the four root causes of misbehavior?

[dutchgal]

I'm a huge fan of this book, it hits every nail right on the head. It's Adlerian based parenting, and it works. It's respectful, it's gentle and it really does work. I'm reading it for the second time, and I bet it'll be dog eared by the time Hannah is 4.

It goes from the principle that kids need four things:

They need to feel connected,
they need to feel capable
They need to feel counted
they need to feel courageous

It describes different personalities, gives lots of great examples, and is really easy to read. I recommend it to all my friends, and anyone who will listen, really.

[nina_yyc]

Thanks for the suggestion! I read this book and things are going much better with my DD. She is the prototypical attention-seeking kid. I don't know if it is really helping with her behavior but the amount of conflict in the home is way, way down.

[quelindo]

Originally Posted by nina_yyc

Thanks for the suggestion! I read this book and things are going much better with my DD. She is the prototypical attention-seeking kid. I don't know if it is really helping with her behavior but the amount of conflict in the home is way, way down.

That's wonderful! I read the book too quicky the first time...I need to re-read it and really think about how to apply it. But right after I read it I started Steven King's 1000-page "Under the Dome" so it might be awhile.

[dogretro]

Will definitely check this one out, thanks!

[Harmony08]

Originally Posted by dutchgal

I'm a huge fan of this book, it hits every nail right on the head. It's Adlerian based parenting, and it works. It's respectful, it's gentle and it really does work. I'm reading it for the second time, and I bet it'll be dog eared by the time Hannah is 4.

It goes from the principle that kids need four things:

They need to feel connected,
they need to feel capable
They need to feel counted
they need to feel courageous

It describes different personalities, gives lots of great examples, and is really easy to read. I recommend it to all my friends, and anyone who will listen, really.

I think those are the four reasons for my bad behavior..."You don't really love me" "You think I'm stupid" "You don't listen when I speak" "You don't think I can do it". Poor DH.

I put this book on hold at the library. Thanks!

[chataine]

i just ordered this book, but now i am tooling around on her blog.. and she is pro CIO which makes me really sad..

[nina_yyc]

Originally Posted by chataine

i just ordered this book, but now i am tooling around on her blog.. and she is pro CIO which makes me really sad..

[*Erin*]

Originally Posted by chataine

i just ordered this book, but now i am tooling around on her blog.. and she is pro CIO which makes me really sad..

i just saw this also-it seems like she is actually advocating to leave a child in their own vomit. if it's not too bad, of course. http://www.alyson.ca/2008/02/cry-it-out-meth.html

she addresses the issue:
http://www.alyson.ca/bedtimes/

seems like some good stuff she's layed out irt to older children...

[chataine]

she suggests starting CIO at 9 mos old, saying that isn't a baby? i am still getting this book, as i am at my wit's end with my 4 yr old, but it seems like its so conflicting to let a babe CIO, which i believe is severing emotional connections.. and then to say to older children that they have mis-directed behavior because a lack of connection?

but i guess you take what you get from where you can, i love dr. sears, but i am anti-time out which is his solution, and i loved UP, but i really wanted some kind of hands on examples etc..

[MommyDOK]

how can she be pro cio? Babies need to feel connected and counted too!!!

I don't get that.

[quelindo]

Originally Posted by chataine

i just ordered this book, but now i am tooling around on her blog.. and she is pro CIO which makes me really sad..

REALLY?! Oh, no. I never would have recommended this book had I known that. I don't remember her saying anything about CIO in the book...and I'm pretty sure I would have remembered that, since I'm horrified to hear this.

I will re-read her book, but maybe now I won't be buying it. And I'll be reading the book and her website with a little more critical eye.

[hrsmom]

Originally Posted by chataine

she suggests starting CIO at 9 mos old, saying that isn't a baby? i am still getting this book, as i am at my wit's end with my 4 yr old, but it seems like its so conflicting to let a babe CIO, which i believe is severing emotional connections.. and then to say to older children that they have mis-directed behavior because a lack of connection?

but i guess you take what you get from where you can, i love dr. sears, but i am anti-time out which is his solution, and i loved UP, but i really wanted some kind of hands on examples etc..

This is a good point! I've read some books that had a few useful tidbits but overall I hated. This book sounds very intriguing, but it's hard to want to read a book by someone who advocates CIO. It sounds like it is worth a read, though!

Kind of OT, but I looked at the link to the blog post describing what happens when a baby vomits while crying-it-out and the comments were so interesting! The mams (pro-CIO) were saying the same things anti-CIO mamas say. I do it because I love my child, I want what's best for them in the long term, not just a short term fix (I guess nursing/comforting them at night is a short-term fix?) and my child is better adjusted, happier, more secure, etc. than those other children. Too weird!! (I don't see anti-CIO mamas saying "my child is better off" it's more of a general "this is better for a child" but mamas there did comment that they thought their kids were better off than other kids. I hope that makes sense!) I also thought the comment that "well, now my kid only cries for 3 minutes for a nap" as proof of it working was a little off. My kid doesn't cry at all for naps! And she doesn't cry herself to sleep! But I digress.... I know not to read the comments on things like that, and I still do it!!

[nina_yyc]

I'm reading her 1st book now and her stance on CIO is pretty clear. Disappointing, but personally I think I am going to learn what I can from the rest of her writing and disregard the CIO advice.