How do you discipline an 11 year old?

[kapoentje]

I really hope you ladies out there can help me. I'm really having a very hard time figuring out how to discipline my 11 year old daughter. She has been caught numerous times using the computer and saying very nasty things on it. It seems virtually impossible to not let her use the computer, since they have them at school, in the public library, etc.. she need to do reseach for a report at school, so she needs references from the library. I could prevent the whole thing by sitting there with her at the library, but my 17 month old makes that very difficult. There are other issues that we have as well, and prevention isn't always the best case. How does everyone here discipline? I'm getting scared, because I dont' know what to do so much of the time that I just end up doing nothing. I let her know what she did was wrong, but she goes right back out and does the same thing again. Please help!

[WickidaWitch]

They let you chat on library computers?
You could always make her go the old fashioned way and use books.
My son has been caught by me doing not so wonderful things on the computer so I changed his password and the age level which affects what he can get at when I decide to give internet use back to him. I cant say that taking it away is a great help since it the second time being caught doing the same thing but he cant enjoy all the other things he does that are okay for him to do.( I took the whole computer away, not just the internet)
Good luck.

[kapoentje]

Thanks for the reply! Right now my daughter has filtered access on the library computers, if you can call it that.

Also, I looked at your pictures.. you have such CUTE kids!! =)

[WickidaWitch]

Thank you.
Good luck with the internet problems.

[Dan Frank]

(sigh) I don't want to get into a near replica of a far-too long debate I just finished.... So I will be brief.

What word(s) did your daughter say? Why don't you want her saying them? Do you think this will keep her from saying them IRL? (because it wont)

I would suggest you read CRAP, but A) a great deal of it isn't pertinent, and B) experience has now taught me that, as a general rule, actual discussion on this matter falls upon deaf ears.

Best of luck,
Dan

[kapoentje]

I completely understand what you're saying, but I really need to find some middle ground. I understand that my words fall upon deaf ears after about 15 seconds, but there just must be something better than doing nothing to improve the situation. My daughter was sexually abused at age 8, so therein lies my concern.

What is CRAP?

[Dan Frank]

CRAP is a previous, lengthy, set of posts (entitled "ChatRoom Anxiety & Paranoia (CRAP)" It might be a good read....

However, the majority of it relates to irrational parental paranoia regarding the internet, chatrooms and perverts. Not really prevalent to this situation.

Here is my advice.

Don't ban or forbid the computer OR the net... that will just make her resentful, and probably even more eager to do it (and as you said, she can likely access it at school)

More importantly... has she gone to any sort of counselling? If not, do you think she might want to? If so

The thing to do that is better than doing nothing (and better than doing too much) is discussion. While sexual abuse is a terrible thing, that does not, ipso facto, make what she's been doing a bad sign. Talk to her, find out how she feels about it.

Again, good luck.
~Dan

[dfoy]

If she has been sexually abused, I would definitely suggest counseling. A family member sexually abused my 17 yo dd when she was 9. She hid this from me until she was 14. She was in counseling until she felt she was OK without it anymore. I think it helped on many levels, but the one thing that was best about it was that even though I couldn't protect her from the abuse, I took action to help her cope with it.

If you are just asking about discipline in general for an 11 year old, I would say that I have mostly used discussion.

I have also withheld privileges or grounding but I only use those for the really big things (thank goodness there haven't been too many of those!).

I like consequences tied to the issue at hand:

Break curfew = 1 hour earlier curfew for a month

Leave clothes, shoes, etc. laying around the house = extra household chore

Talking on the phone when supposed to be studying, or after 10pm = no phone privileges for 3 days

That kind of consequence has always worked best for us.

[sleepies]

taking away privledges

we take away privledges as well as talk it over....explaining why we are taking stuff away...what we expect in the future...why we feel the way we do. also, try to get him to understand why what he did was wrong..and what the consequences could be.

for your example:

i would NOT let her use any computers (except when she is at school).

i would talk to her about why you have taken this privledge away.


also, the sexual abuse is an awful, life-long issue. it is wonderful that you know about it, she will not have to suffer alone.

please please discuss the abuse with her and/or have her see a therapist.

i suffered from sexual abuse at a young age, no one knew/knows and it is an awful thing to deal with alone. and it does cause behavior problems, if untreated.

[nbrmom3]

Hi,
I am new to this board and I am hoping to also get some good ideas for disciplining my 11 year old. Our son who is the oldest of 3, ( we also have a 7 yr old boy and 3 yr old girl is turning our house topsy-turvy with his behavior. He is angry, moody, emotional,disobediant, etc..etc. Some days he is agreeable, helpful, and wants to please us. I have spoken to the school pychologist and a counselor over the phone. We are trying to get to a counselor for the 3 of us. One temporary suggestion which has helped us is a Behavior Contract. We listed a series of "house rules" ie no yelling at your parents, and pick up your wet towel. If he doesnt do these things he loses a privilige such as the computer, his bike, the phone etc. We have been using this for 2 weeks and it has helped tremendously. He doesn't like it but it definitely has kept us on a consistency. We feel this is necessary as we were spending so much time arguing and disiplining him that it was upsetting our entire household. I think you could do this with the use of the computer with your dd. You can take it away for the day or a few days if she continues to disobey you. Good luck.