Sleepover, 7 year old DS, and porn

[ThoughtFullMama]

I can't give too many details, but basically I was at a Mom's house with a bunch of other Mom's for a meeting and her son showed my DS and another Mom's DS (this kid is SIX and my DS is seven, the other kid is nine) some sort of porn on the computer or TV. DS was very specific in telling me what he saw, and there's no way he could have come up with it on his own. It could be possible that this woman's kid just told my DS and the other kid these things, and DS didn't actually see them, but still.

DS was supposed to have a sleepover with this kid but there's no way that's happening now! In fact, I'm in a really awkward position because this woman is on the planning committee with me for our homeschooling group over here at the coast. I told the other Mom (not the Mom who's house it was) what had happened and she hardly reacted at all and just said that her son usually tells her when stuff like that happens. When I told her the details of what my son told me, she LAUGHED!

These women are my friends, and I need to work together with them. The one Mom whose house is was and I aren't close, but I still feel like I should say something as to why DS won't be allowed to have sleepovers there. But the other Mom and I are pretty close. Our sons play together at least once a week. Her reaction really took me aback, and now I'm wondering if there's anything I should worry about at THEIR house!

Does anyone have any kind words or suggestions on how to handle this?

[sapphire_chan]

If she was okay with it, was it just regular sex then? Er, I don't mean actually give details, I mean consider that maybe she viewed it as her kid already had the "how babies are made" discussion and she didn't think a video lesson was too bad. Vs. more, um, innovative sex acts would have upset her.

I'd tell the other moms that I need them to supervise well enough that the kids don't have a chance to see porn. If their responses don't make you feel confident about that, tell them "I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable with my child spending time at your house if you aren't going to be willing to take my concerns seriously. Your child is, of course, welcome to visit here."

[ThoughtFullMama]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

If she was okay with it, was it just regular sex then? Er, I don't mean actually give details, I mean consider that maybe she viewed it as her kid already had the "how babies are made" discussion and she didn't think a video lesson was too bad. Vs. more, um, innovative sex acts would have upset her.

I'd tell the other moms that I need them to supervise well enough that the kids don't have a chance to see porn. If their responses don't make you feel confident about that, tell them "I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable with my child spending time at your house if you aren't going to be willing to take my concerns seriously. Your child is, of course, welcome to visit here."

The part I told the Mom about was an act involving two males and was very graphic. I'm not against people being homosexual, for the record. There was also heterosexual sex as well. DS said there were 'lots of short, weird videos with naked people kissing.' the homosexual act he described in detail, as if it was a hard-core porn video.

NOTE TO MODS: if you need to edit this, please feel free, I'm not looking for a violation.

[frontierpsych]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

If she was okay with it, was it just regular sex then? Er, I don't mean actually give details, I mean consider that maybe she viewed it as her kid already had the "how babies are made" discussion and she didn't think a video lesson was too bad. Vs. more, um, innovative sex acts would have upset her.

That's what I was thinking too. Although it really doesn't matter whether she was upset or not, because obviously YOU are, and YOUR comfort level matters as well. I have read that up until a certain age (7 or 8?) pornography is viewed as violence, because kids don't fully grasp what is going on (even if they can explain it and know about sex).

I would think I would want to know if my DS was showing porn to other kids. I think that is pretty universally frown upon.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by frontierpsych

That's what I was thinking too. Although it really doesn't matter whether she was upset or not, because obviously YOU are, and YOUR comfort level matters as well.

Ah, I meant as far as the other visitor's mom being concerned about her kid seeing what-have-you. There are things where if my own kid saw it I'd laugh about it, but would make certain that I kept other kids from seeing if they came to my house.

[s_kristina]

Most things don't bother me, but I would be livid if my child was shown porn even by another child. I would certainly make sure the mother of the child who was doing the showing knew what happened. It's possible she does not know and would be horrified if she knew. I am more than a bit surprised at how the other mom reacted, but is it possible she was too shocked to really know how to react?

[Drummer's Wife]

Definitely talk to the kid's mom who showed your DS it. I would also not allow the sleepover, unless she reacted in an appropriate way and reassured me that the boys would be adequately supervised the entire time so it didn't happen again. I know it stinks to have an uncomfortable conversation, and you have to deal with this woman in the future -- but I think you are absolutely in the right to bring this to her attention (she may have no idea, and be concerned herself!). I would encourage her to install k9webprotection (it's free) or similar, even if you aren't going to allow your DS over there again (understandable).

As for your DS, I would talk to him again about what he says he saw, and see if he has any questions. Just keep the line of communication open, and I think he'll be okay -- and not forever scarred by it.

[eepster]

It was probably something like youtube. It's amazing how quickly you can go from completely innocent stuff to highly inappropriate. (Though our problem tends to be going from simple videos of steam trains to horrific high speed train crashes, not porn.) The internet really is just full of inappropriate content, and one needs to be wary. I remember back in the early 90s when we first got yahoo, I typed in hamsters looking for some info and you wouldn't believe what came up .

I would call the mom at the house you were at, and talk to her about what happened and possibly installing child filters or implementing a no internet while friends are over rule. If she takes it with a reasonable degree of seriousness and seems to enact safe guards to prevent it happening in the future, then you can reevaluate whether sleepovers are a good idea based on that.


ETA: About the other mom who laughed, it doesn't necessarily mean she thinks it's OK. Some times people just laugh b/c they are nervous, embarrassed and slightly uncomfortable with the situation.

[Porcelain Interior]

My children aren't allowed on computers when visitting friends.

I also similarly do NOT allow internet access when my kids have friends over.

It's not about the parents, it's about kids being kids and it's all too easy to get an eyeful online.

I wouldn't associate with a family anymore if the parents were lax and didn't think it was a big deal. I see it as a huge deal and emotionally damaging to future sexual health in regards to attitudes and expectations.

[philomom]

I would re-think my life and my friendships. Children that age have absolutely no reason to see adult sexual acts. I'm shocked that anyone would think this is okay.

[HollyBearsMom]

The most innocent searchs on google or you-tube can quickly lead you places you dont want to go.

I fact I was searching for a particular Lego set and spelling it wring. I got "did you mean "legal girls" and you don't want to know where that lead!

Can you approach it like that. "Seems like our kids got more than they bargained for when we wre meeting last time. My son mentionend that they saw XYZ. They must have been searching for something else but I wanted to let you know."

You will be able to quickly tell by her reaction if she is totaly cool with it and lets her son have free access to the www or if she is shocked/embarrarssed or somewhere in between. At least it will open the dialogue and then you can decide how to procceed.

I am a big proponent of having computers in open family spaces for just this reason. I trust my kid but sometimes the web can get away from you pretty quickly.

[ThoughtFullMama]

Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior

I wouldn't associate with a family anymore if the parents were lax and didn't think it was a big deal. I see it as a huge deal and emotionally damaging to future sexual health in regards to attitudes and expectations.

Yes, I agree completely. Thank you for saying that!

[RiverSky]

Watching porn in a room with children in it is enough basis for CPS to take your children away. Certainly allowing your own children and the children of other families to watch porn in your house is very bad, too. If it happens once, it can be an accident, but more than once and it's a repeat offense, right?

You definitely need to speak to the mother and tell her what happened. Is it possible she doesn't even know? The kids could have found the site on Youtube or google, but they could have found it in history or bookmarks, too, if any adults in the family would do such a thing.

Personally, my child would stop going over to that home, if the mother didn't freak out when I told her about it and possibly even if not. I wouldn't feel safe having my child there if she didn't agree that children viewing porn is a HUGELY serious issue. I'm sure that allowing children to watch porn is a huge violation of your homeschool group's rules/bylaws, too and if the mother didn't take steps to remedy the situation, it might be time to speak to the leaders of the group and make sure that no future events are held at her house.

We had a family in our homeschool group a few years ago, that offered alcohol to 12 year olds who were over for a playgroup (the parents offered), who hosted a dinner party with some of the other parents then walked out naked wanting to have a swap (no one else had ANY clue that any of this would happen), and who would smoke pot while their children's friends were over (both children were aged less than 12). Though we didn't kick them out of the group, the word immediately got around and they were not allowed to host any events through our group.

[zeldamomma]

I think you need to tell the Mom of the porn-provider ASAP. She needs to know. I know that you're angry it happened, but try not to be angry with her-- she can't fix what she doesn't know about, and these things do happen.

((Hugs))

[luv-my-boys]

First off I personally would be LIVID if my child was shown porn at another's house. We are not prudish people, however, I dont see the need for 6and 7 yr olds to be seeing porn. However, I wouldnt be certain that the mother of the "offender" knew about it. I would immediately tell her, I mean as other have mentioned a simple grammatical error in google can lead you to it easily.

But if the mom is non chalant about it than yeah I would say that my child is not sleeping over because I am uncomfortable with the freedoms they allow their child. In fact I probably wouldnt leave my child unsupervised around that child as well.

[SamuraiMom]

Would the mother literally have to "freak out" to prove that she was going to address the situation? Talking to the mother of the child responsible for showing the porn is the very first thing that should be done. You have no idea whether she is aware of what her son is sharing or not, and you should not assume that she is. Your DS only saw it once, her kid could be looking at it often and THAT is a much bigger problem. Talk to here immediately and close the door on the situation so that you aren't carrying it around w/ you every time you see her or whenever the idea of a sleepover comes up. And again, to reiterate what eepster said, some people don't know how to handle certain situations and laughing is their first response.

[almama]

My gut would be to be really upset - I want to say that up front first.

I agree you should talk to the actual boy's mom and let her know what is going on. I wouldn't put it as "your bad child did THIS" (not that you will, but just saying it out loud), but more as an FYI and that you don't want your child to see any more. No computers at playdates sounds like a good rule, although kids could draw a pretty graphic picture if they wanted to.

Then I would work with my own child. *Highly* praise your child for coming to you - that was great. Then talk about when he first felt something was wrong, what that feeling was, and what to do about it next time. It sounds as if he watched quite a bit, so my guess is that somewhere in there he had that "oh no" feeling. You could role play graceful ways of getting out of it next time. Or, did he feel it was OK? If yes, you could explain to him why your family finds those images difficult.

I would hold off on sleepovers for a few years . . .

[LynnS6]

I'd call up the mom and say "I need to talk about what the kids were doing when we were busy with the homeschool planning. My son told that were watching videos of (then give a factual description, and avoid, for now, evaluative terms)."

Listen to what she has to say - she could deny it, she could tell you that it was no big deal, she might explain that those were homeschool videos that they have (a 9 year old, being closer to puberty might well have expressed curiosity), she might be very upset herself.

Whatever her reaction, I would then follow up with an explanation of your feelings and why, e.g.,

"I'm upset about this because I don't think that my 7 year old is ready for this information in this way. He knows the facts of life, but a graphic presentation of people in the act of having sex is simply much more information than I'm ready for him to have."

Then tell her what you want the resolution to be:
"How can we make sure that the boys are doing appropriate things when they're together?" (Or whatever you want it to be.)

Unless there's a sleepover that's already planned, I wouldn't raise that issue now. If you are asked and want to decline, I would simply say "that's not going to work for us right now." Vague and direct all at the same time.

ETA: In these situations, I think you really have to go to the parent of the child directly involved. Talking to the mom of the 3rd child was OK, but really, the problem is with the 9 year old. You have to deal with his parent(s), no matter how hard it is. (I'd also ask the other mom why she laughed.)

Finally, maybe the parents in the homeschooling group can read "Protecting the Gift" together.

[buttercups.nest]

This is not a situation to be taken lightly....what a child sees at a young age can impact them for life. That scares me that the mom laughed off your concerns so quickly and easily.

I hope you are able to find a resolution and keep your friendships

[Theoretica]

I'm actually wondering if it was clips to a cable tv show or something? There's a LOT of shows out there that have that 'sort' of activity shown pretty blatantly, and clips are widely available on Yahoo, YouTube, Hulu etc.

If your kiddo doesn't have any experience seeing that 'type' of behavior (guys kissing etc) then it'd be unnerving I'm sure. We have friends that are gay and my kids have seen guys kiss each other (and girls kiss each other) and flirt etc. when we have get togethers, just like hetero couples do, and I don't think it'd even be a blip on their radar to see it, ykwim? And that's from a mom w/o tv

I'm just suggesting there's a possibility it wasn't porn at all. Either way, approaching the 'offending parent' as a team member/partner and NOT as an accuser will go a long way in resolving this without creating a rift or problem within the group.