Sleepover, 7 year old DS, and porn - Page 2

[twinergy]

It may be possible to track down the exact video that was shown by searching through the browser history on the computer where this happened. Knowing the time of the viewing would also be very helpful. But if it happend a long time ago, and depending on settings on that computer the history may have been deleted as an automated process. Or somebody can intentionally delete browser history. I don't know the most tactful way to ask the parents where this happened if they could help you track this down.

[hipumpkins]

Originally Posted by zeldamomma

I think you need to tell the Mom of the porn-provider ASAP. She needs to know. I know that you're angry it happened, but try not to be angry with her-- she can't fix what she doesn't know about, and these things do happen.

((Hugs))

Also I think once you tell her you might not have to cancel the sleepover. Her son might get grounded and no sleepovers for him anyway.

[catballou24]

Originally Posted by HollyBearsMom

The most innocent searchs on google or you-tube can quickly lead you places you dont want to go.

I fact I was searching for a particular Lego set and spelling it wring. I got "did you mean "legal girls" and you don't want to know where that lead!

Can you approach it like that. "Seems like our kids got more than they bargained for when we wre meeting last time. My son mentionend that they saw XYZ. They must have been searching for something else but I wanted to let you know."

You will be able to quickly tell by her reaction if she is totaly cool with it and lets her son have free access to the www or if she is shocked/embarrarssed or somewhere in between. At least it will open the dialogue and then you can decide how to procceed.

I think this is the way to approach it. it is very likely that it was just an innocent mistake. having the older boy in the room might have made it easier to keep it on longer than intended (boys will be curious at 9 and up..). but i would definitely approach the mom in the manner above and at least open up communication. if it was in fact a mistake, then you can ask that the boys not be on the computer while the sleepover is going on, or maybe ask that she set parental controls on the browser....good luck! i completely understand being upset and confused by what happened....

[MaterPrimaePuellae]

Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior

I wouldn't associate with a family anymore if the parents were lax and didn't think it was a big deal. I see it as a huge deal and emotionally damaging to future sexual health in regards to attitudes and expectations.

ITA.

I also will not allow DD/DS to use the computer at other's houses, period. She's only 2.5, and I recently found her watching her cousins (9 and 12) playing internet games, unsupervised, on a computer with zero parental controls. The other posters have already commented on how easy it is to access undesirable material online, and I don't want to take any chances.

I don't know what your situation is with this family (how much you will be unable to avoid associating with them in the future), but personally, one of the big reasons I plan to homeschool period is to have a little more control over making sure that my kids are not put in a position like that. I'm pregnant with a boy right now, and navigating the whole porn/internet/etc. situation is something I am not looking forward to.

Honestly, if a friend's child exposed my DS to something like that, I would be heartbroken. I don't know how you explain/undo the damage caused by seeing that something that graphic that young. I know there are varying opinions on this board, but porn is something IHATE and do not allow in my house, period. I accidentally saw something on cable on my grandfather's TV when I was 10-ish, and I still think about it and how bizarre it was. I was pretty upset by it at the time.

I think you're right not to allow the sleepover. It sounds like this stuff happened when you were actually in the house, right? So how much more could happen if they had all night and were unsupervised...

[mbravebird]

Certainly approach the parents non-accusingly, of course, but I also want to add that you are NOT overreacting. I still remember two innappropriate videos I was shown when I was your son's age, one by an adult and the other by another child. They both haunted me and confused me for much of my childhood.

And now, having a child who is almost six, I would be in grief if he saw something violently sexual, or disrespectfully sexual. Learning about sexuality is not something to be frightened of, but imprinting him with images of disrespectful sex is. It impacts a child, and they have no context to put it in its place, the way adults do. I would do whatever it takes to protect a child from accidental exposure to the kind of adult films that are made today. They distort sex and sexuality. Even if children are of the age to know the way sex works, those adult films they are NOT ready for. You are not overreacting.

So yes, talk to the mom of the older child, clarify your principles with the mom of the younger child, and do what is best for your familiy, even if it means distancing yourself from social gatherings that are not responsible to your child. If you do what's best for you, everything will work out in the end.

[VisionaryMom]

I would want to watch to see what it was DS saw exactly. I could have a conversation about it much more easily that way. I know you said "hard-core," but I'm really thinking (and I know opinions on that dividing line vary) that what I'd consider hard-core porn doesn't necessarily include things my son would know how to describe. He could describe sex, but beyond that I'd imagine at 6 he'd be confused by what he was seeing. So, that's probably where I'd start to know what you're really dealing with rather than relying on relayed information.

I also agree with Theoretica that if your son hasn't been exposed much to same-sex couples, that may affect his viewing experience of a scene involving 2 men. My son told me once that one of his friends said 2 men can't kiss, which of course DS knows isn't true. Still if the parents of that boy heard that, they may very well think we're showing gay porn to our kids when of course, we aren't.

Either way yes, I think you talk to the mom of the older boy and see what she says. I don't really think you can make a decision until you've talked to her and judged her reaction first.

[choli]

I think that freak out reactions from the parents are probably going to do more damage than what the children actually saw.

[Grace and Granola]

Originally Posted by Drummer's Wife

Definitely talk to the kid's mom who showed your DS it. I would also not allow the sleepover, unless she reacted in an appropriate way and reassured me that the boys would be adequately supervised the entire time so it didn't happen again. I know it stinks to have an uncomfortable conversation, and you have to deal with this woman in the future -- but I think you are absolutely in the right to bring this to her attention (she may have no idea, and be concerned herself!). I would encourage her to install k9webprotection (it's free) or similar, even if you aren't going to allow your DS over there again (understandable).

As for your DS, I would talk to him again about what he says he saw, and see if he has any questions. Just keep the line of communication open, and I think he'll be okay -- and not forever scarred by it.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

I didnt get a chance to read through all the replies, but I wanted to post something that may help you make a decision.

I was exposed to a TON of porn as child at the hands of a neighborhood friend. I was prolly your sons age and it went on for a few years. I never breathed a word to my parents, because I was so ashamed. As a result, I lost my virginity very young, and I have issues with embarrasment and shame surround sex. Its not constant, but the issues are definetly there for me, and I have to work through them pretty regularly.

Nip this shiz in the butt pronto. You are very right (IMO) to be concerned about this.

[justKate]

Originally Posted by Barbie64g

I didnt get a chance to read through all the replies, but I wanted to post something that may help you make a decision.

I was exposed to a TON of porn as child at the hands of a neighborhood friend. I was prolly your sons age and it went on for a few years. I never breathed a word to my parents, because I was so ashamed. As a result, I lost my virginity very young, and I have issues with embarrasment and shame surround sex. Its not constant, but the issues are definetly there for me, and I have to work through them pretty regularly.

Nip this shiz in the butt pronto. You are very right (IMO) to be concerned about this.

Same here. I was "baby sat" by a neighbor/classmate's mother. We went to a small Catholic school and they were good people by all appearances. The classmate and I often watched porn (this is waaay before internet) and would act it out with either barbies our ourselves. In retrospect I think she was probably being abused herself, and acted out on me. I know I was 4-5 at the time because we moved to a different neighborhood for my 6th birthday.

You're very lucky that your son is so open with you. I was ashamed and didn't admit a lot of what happened until i was in my 20's. Still never told my parents. JME.

ETA: my appologies for the Barbie reference, Barbie64g.

[tanyam926]

I agree w/all of the pp that you have to bring it up w/the boys mother bc she probably doesn't know about it.

If one of my sons showed a friend sexually graphic material (I don't know how bc of the way we supervise computer time, but if it did happen...) I would be heartbroken and furious if another adult knew about it and didn't tell me for whatever reason (embarassment, assuming I was allowing my children to access porn, etc.).

That mom has the right to know so she can take the steps she needs to in order to protect her child. IMO the sleepover issue is the least of the concerns here.

[eclipse]

Add me to the list of people saying you need to talk to the mom. Frankly, I'm suprised that wasn't your first step. I'm not some one who has big issues with porn (for adults) but I would want to know if one of my kids was looking at it, let alone showing it to other kids. However, I would disagree with those that say that the mom seeming less than horrified would be taking it lightly. I doubt I would freak out if someone told me something like that - I would just thank the other mother for letting me know and tell her that I would get to the bottom of it. It's not something that I think would deserve discipline in the traditional, punitive sense. I mean, I don't think my almost 9 year old son would even get that it was something problematic to show to another kid. I would want to know where he got it (was someone showing it to him, did he find it on the internet, etc), talk to him about the inappropriateness of showing something like that to another child, find out if he had any questions he needed answered, etc. For me, the freak out would be, "Did someone abuse my child?" but beyond that I'd probably handle it very matter of factly.

[Kailey's mom]

Maybe the mom doesn't know yet? I would call her and give her a heads up that the kids were watching porn that way she could set up some parental controls or change sleepover rules etc. If it were just the kids googling stuff..and they found it, and watched. I wouldn't be freaking. If this is something they were watching with an adult.. the police would already be involed kwim. No, it's not okay at all for kids to watch porn.. but it could have been more innocent than it seems. I'd call the mom where the kids where staying and ask her if she knew about this.

[peaceful_mama]

Oh WOW. If this were my house that this happened at, I would ABSOLUTELY want to know!
as others have said, you can find inappropriate content pretty quickly and through innocent ways on places like YouTube. That is why children in my house do not view that website independently.

That said, if somehow it DID happen, I would apologize profusely, thank the person for telling me, and change the situation so that it could not happen again--remove computer from isolated room, don't allow kids on computer when friends are over, whatever it might need to be.

If I brought this concern to another parent and they were not willing to do something about it and LAUGHED at it....I would no longer be associating with those people.

Even if a kid does know the basics of reproduction, it's one thing to be told the facts, or even to see a child's illustrated book on the topic. It's an entirely different ballgame to see the actual act in a live video, and IMO, that is totally inappropriate, whether the kid can verbally describe it because they've been told what happens to make a baby or not. So NO it does not matter what it was. It's NOT for children.

[lonegirl]

Originally Posted by s_kristina

Most things don't bother me, but I would be livid if my child was shown porn even by another child. I would certainly make sure the mother of the child who was doing the showing knew what happened. It's possible she does not know and would be horrified if she knew. I am more than a bit surprised at how the other mom reacted, but is it possible she was too shocked to really know how to react?

This is my thought....I am sure there are things on many people's computers that they wouldn't want kids to see and didn't know that kids came across them. Let the mom know. It is amazing how kids can find things on computers even with adults them....so maybe the mom doesn't know....

I also remember my dad hiding his mag stash....in the towel cupboard, behind the towels. I remember coming across them as a kid and never breathing a word to my parents. To this day I don't think my parents knew I found it...plus I showed my best friend...we were intrigued with all the naked girls....very innocent. I was probably about 9 or 10(but the 9 of my day is more like the 7 of today)