My son is 24 months old and is a very sensitive child. I am a grad student, and he has been in care with a nanny/babysitter for about 24 hours a week since he was about 8 months. Starting at about 20 months, we switched to a wonderful SAHM who had her daughter with her and cared for him the same amount of time, except he had the added bonus of social interaction. Unfortunately, her husband lost his job and she had to go back to work. We were originally planning on sending DS to daycare starting at about 33 months, after spending a year with that care provider. We decided to put him in a day care situation starting at 24 months instead, in order to avoid multiple transitions, and to have more reliable care that can't quit on you.
I spent about 4 weeks searching for the appropriate place, and visited 10 different centers. I wasn't thrilled with any of them, but went with the one I felt best about, based on the fact that it has very low teacher turnover, very engaging teachers, he would have older kids around who could stimulate him, they follow a simple curriculum, and it was highly recommended by our previous care provider for her child (and by her neighbor who had 3 kids there). It is also very reasonably priced as we only pay for the 24 or so hours we actually use. There are certainly things left to be desired (such as insufficient handwashing - sinks only in 1 of 3 rooms and in bathroom, overall relatively small space, door is open/no security code, etc), but he also seemed to feel most comfortable there (only took him to visit about 3 places so as not to overwhelm him).
The problem is, I'm not entirely convinced he is ready for this transition. First, from what I have read about child development, the right/emotional side of the brain is actively developing for the first few years of life; the left brain only kicks in to help kids reason and adjust to such social/group situations more like at about 36 months. So, I'm not convinced center-based care is developmentally appropriate at this age. Second, he is introverted, slow-to-warm up, sensitive and very attached to me. I would imagine that the transition for any child is hard, but arguably harder for the introvert and child that feels uncomfortable in groups.
The transition has been very hard. First, we started him in Jan after the December break during which we were with him for 2 solid weeks (always harder to separate after long periods together). However, on the first day, he walked in on his own, happy and excited. He only cried when I left, as one would expect. Then, that day, he suddenly stopped walking (when he got home). After trip to doc & ER, turned out to be unrelated to anything that had happened in daycare; it was a virus that got to his hips and kept him from walking. Needless to say, we had to keep him out the rest of the week, so there was another week of together with mom, and he was very physically and emotionally needy. Second week of daycare (first only lasted 1 day), he did NOT want to go. He told me, "don't like it", "no go to school", etc. He cried/screamed the entire way over and then insanely when I left for the first two days. He cried a typical "emotional release" cry when I picked him up those two days. The next two days, I managed to get a message across to him that I didn't like it either, and that I would come "back." I think he wasn't sure about that part, because I was using different language ("pick you up") that he may not have understood. We started a mantra of "first lunch, then nap, then mama come back." This has gotten him through the ride to school and through the dropoff without tears.
But, here's the thing -- even without tears, I know he is suffering just the same. He is not going happily. He is resigned. The last time I dropped him off, he simply got down, turned and walked away. He didn't even say goodbye. And, this is not happily running off to play, this is "I have to do this because mama says so." The whole week he was whimpering and vulnerable when I picked him up. Anything would set him off on the ride home. First thing we do when home is nurse. Then, the rest of the evening, he is touchy, and has had negative behaviors like hitting, throwing things and banging things, because he knows I don't want him to do these things and is clearly testing me. I am trying to be firm but patient.
I'm sure some of the behavior/tantruming stuff has to do with his lack of sleep -- he's only getting 30-45 mins there max, when sleeps 1.5-2 hrs at home. This brings up another thing -- he is prone to night terrors, which peak when there is sleep deprivation, and he hasn't had since 15 months -- he just had another night terror last night (and has had very disturbed night sleeping since we started).
Admittedly, if I had infinite time, I would probably look for an in-home care situation with a small number of kids. The problem is, I really don't have time to interview and search right now, with the semester starting (I did all that legwork in December to find the "right" day care in the first place).
To make things even more complicated, we are expecting DC#2 in September, which is when we were originally planning on having him start pre-school, and would presumably put him in if we were to take him out now, though I suppose we could take our chances and aim for a year from now. There is certainly something to be said for transitioning him before DC#2 is anywhere near the horizon.
So, my question is, how long is it reasonable to expect them to adjust? I heard from one day care professional that one can expect 2 weeks. I have heard anecdotally of it taking 4-5 months. Have you pulled your child from such a situation when not transitioning well? How do you know when to make that choice? How long is too long? How can you bear watching the suffering for so long?
Thanks for any thoughts you might have!
I spent about 4 weeks searching for the appropriate place, and visited 10 different centers. I wasn't thrilled with any of them, but went with the one I felt best about, based on the fact that it has very low teacher turnover, very engaging teachers, he would have older kids around who could stimulate him, they follow a simple curriculum, and it was highly recommended by our previous care provider for her child (and by her neighbor who had 3 kids there). It is also very reasonably priced as we only pay for the 24 or so hours we actually use. There are certainly things left to be desired (such as insufficient handwashing - sinks only in 1 of 3 rooms and in bathroom, overall relatively small space, door is open/no security code, etc), but he also seemed to feel most comfortable there (only took him to visit about 3 places so as not to overwhelm him).
The problem is, I'm not entirely convinced he is ready for this transition. First, from what I have read about child development, the right/emotional side of the brain is actively developing for the first few years of life; the left brain only kicks in to help kids reason and adjust to such social/group situations more like at about 36 months. So, I'm not convinced center-based care is developmentally appropriate at this age. Second, he is introverted, slow-to-warm up, sensitive and very attached to me. I would imagine that the transition for any child is hard, but arguably harder for the introvert and child that feels uncomfortable in groups.
The transition has been very hard. First, we started him in Jan after the December break during which we were with him for 2 solid weeks (always harder to separate after long periods together). However, on the first day, he walked in on his own, happy and excited. He only cried when I left, as one would expect. Then, that day, he suddenly stopped walking (when he got home). After trip to doc & ER, turned out to be unrelated to anything that had happened in daycare; it was a virus that got to his hips and kept him from walking. Needless to say, we had to keep him out the rest of the week, so there was another week of together with mom, and he was very physically and emotionally needy. Second week of daycare (first only lasted 1 day), he did NOT want to go. He told me, "don't like it", "no go to school", etc. He cried/screamed the entire way over and then insanely when I left for the first two days. He cried a typical "emotional release" cry when I picked him up those two days. The next two days, I managed to get a message across to him that I didn't like it either, and that I would come "back." I think he wasn't sure about that part, because I was using different language ("pick you up") that he may not have understood. We started a mantra of "first lunch, then nap, then mama come back." This has gotten him through the ride to school and through the dropoff without tears.
But, here's the thing -- even without tears, I know he is suffering just the same. He is not going happily. He is resigned. The last time I dropped him off, he simply got down, turned and walked away. He didn't even say goodbye. And, this is not happily running off to play, this is "I have to do this because mama says so." The whole week he was whimpering and vulnerable when I picked him up. Anything would set him off on the ride home. First thing we do when home is nurse. Then, the rest of the evening, he is touchy, and has had negative behaviors like hitting, throwing things and banging things, because he knows I don't want him to do these things and is clearly testing me. I am trying to be firm but patient.
I'm sure some of the behavior/tantruming stuff has to do with his lack of sleep -- he's only getting 30-45 mins there max, when sleeps 1.5-2 hrs at home. This brings up another thing -- he is prone to night terrors, which peak when there is sleep deprivation, and he hasn't had since 15 months -- he just had another night terror last night (and has had very disturbed night sleeping since we started).
Admittedly, if I had infinite time, I would probably look for an in-home care situation with a small number of kids. The problem is, I really don't have time to interview and search right now, with the semester starting (I did all that legwork in December to find the "right" day care in the first place).
To make things even more complicated, we are expecting DC#2 in September, which is when we were originally planning on having him start pre-school, and would presumably put him in if we were to take him out now, though I suppose we could take our chances and aim for a year from now. There is certainly something to be said for transitioning him before DC#2 is anywhere near the horizon.
So, my question is, how long is it reasonable to expect them to adjust? I heard from one day care professional that one can expect 2 weeks. I have heard anecdotally of it taking 4-5 months. Have you pulled your child from such a situation when not transitioning well? How do you know when to make that choice? How long is too long? How can you bear watching the suffering for so long?
Thanks for any thoughts you might have!
Great to hear that you've found something that works for you and your DS. 
