Stbx announced to me at the end of Nov. that he couldn't stay in our marriage any longer. That he loves me and always will, but he needs "more", he's never made purely selfish decisions for himself (this, despite the fact that he's had many affairs before), that he needs to find out who he is. Classic midlife crisis stuff, except I think that he's been in midlife crisis now that I look back since puberty. He has suffered from chronic depression and anxiety for most of his life, to varying degrees, and he's never been truly content with where he is in life, despite the fact that he's been so successful in so many ways. It's fair to say he's been more unhappy than happy in his life, though constantly over the years he never, ever indicated I was part of his unhappiness, in fact he would tell me so often that I was his rock, that I was the best thing in his life, the world, etc.
He told me at the time that the "trigger" for him leaving was that a couple of months prior, in September, his ex-gf from 2 gf's before meeting me had contacted him out of the blue. She lives in another city, married with one 12 yr old son. That she sparked feelings of excitement and promise that he'd only ever had with her, that he now realized what he'd been missing. He claimed that they'd only been talking, that there was no physical affair. She was still with her husband at the time, and wasn't certain if she should leave him.
A couple of weeks later, he told her that they shouldn't contact each other if she was uncertain about leaving him. So they stayed apart, no contact, for a few weeks. Throughout this time stbx and I got along fine, in fact we were having the best communication that we'd ever had now that the cards were all on the table. We both felt hopeful and optimistic that we would do this as well as was possible. He felt more and more that as time went on, that she wouldn't leave her husband. He did admit that if she did, he would want to try a relationship with her if she wanted to as well.
One week before Christmas I found out that they'd started contact again. That she had indeed left her husband.
I was devastated. Somehow, thinking that he was leaving our marriage to be alone was a lot more palatable than him leaving me for another woman. This stings, and the sting is getting sharper. I am feeling major feelings of rejection, vulnerability, fear, you name it.
To compound things, he is still living here and the kids still don't know. We'd originally planned to tell them just after Christmas, but he couldn't get a place until Feb. 1. He got a place for Feb. 1, and then we found out that for work reasons he has to travel in Feb for 2 weeks, which means we really can't tell the kids until he is back, so telling them won't happen until late Feb. Theoretically I could have put the kibosh on that trip, but it would have been a major hassle for all of us, for a bunch of reasons. I decided to swallow him being here until he is back, even though it's getting harder and harder for me to have him around.
I am having a very hard time dealing with the fact that there is an affair. I have absolutely ZERO desire or longing to have him back- I can say with 100% certainty that if he were to come crawling back I would not even consider it at this point. Far too much has happened, and in many respects I know I will never trust him again.
The things that are killing me are that it's not "fair" that he gets to do exactly what he wants, that he will be happy (even if it's not a real happiness) while I am left struggling and coping with two devastated kids. I worry also that while right now he is saying and doing all the right things (he wants to just give me his half of the house for example), the longer his relationship with this woman goes on, the more influence she will have over him. And I am fully aware that her interests are nowhere in sync with mine. I'd say they are at complete odds with each other.
I have been a SAHM for 10 years. I feel totally vulnerable even though I am doing all the right things. I know my rights, I have an excellent lawyer and I have a plan for the short term. But at the same time I am angry with him, and I have this fear that my anger will make him angry, and that this will make him renege on all that he has promised. He knows I am scared of this and he has tried to reassure me over and over that this will not happen. But, given that this affair (and he's had others) I am having a hard time trusting anything that comes out of him.
I dunno. I just think that if we were breaking up and another woman wasn't a factor, I'd find it a lot easier to cope with.
I would love to hear if anyone else has dealt with this sort of thing. For the first time in my life I am really at a loss.
He told me at the time that the "trigger" for him leaving was that a couple of months prior, in September, his ex-gf from 2 gf's before meeting me had contacted him out of the blue. She lives in another city, married with one 12 yr old son. That she sparked feelings of excitement and promise that he'd only ever had with her, that he now realized what he'd been missing. He claimed that they'd only been talking, that there was no physical affair. She was still with her husband at the time, and wasn't certain if she should leave him.
A couple of weeks later, he told her that they shouldn't contact each other if she was uncertain about leaving him. So they stayed apart, no contact, for a few weeks. Throughout this time stbx and I got along fine, in fact we were having the best communication that we'd ever had now that the cards were all on the table. We both felt hopeful and optimistic that we would do this as well as was possible. He felt more and more that as time went on, that she wouldn't leave her husband. He did admit that if she did, he would want to try a relationship with her if she wanted to as well.
One week before Christmas I found out that they'd started contact again. That she had indeed left her husband.
I was devastated. Somehow, thinking that he was leaving our marriage to be alone was a lot more palatable than him leaving me for another woman. This stings, and the sting is getting sharper. I am feeling major feelings of rejection, vulnerability, fear, you name it.
To compound things, he is still living here and the kids still don't know. We'd originally planned to tell them just after Christmas, but he couldn't get a place until Feb. 1. He got a place for Feb. 1, and then we found out that for work reasons he has to travel in Feb for 2 weeks, which means we really can't tell the kids until he is back, so telling them won't happen until late Feb. Theoretically I could have put the kibosh on that trip, but it would have been a major hassle for all of us, for a bunch of reasons. I decided to swallow him being here until he is back, even though it's getting harder and harder for me to have him around.
I am having a very hard time dealing with the fact that there is an affair. I have absolutely ZERO desire or longing to have him back- I can say with 100% certainty that if he were to come crawling back I would not even consider it at this point. Far too much has happened, and in many respects I know I will never trust him again.
The things that are killing me are that it's not "fair" that he gets to do exactly what he wants, that he will be happy (even if it's not a real happiness) while I am left struggling and coping with two devastated kids. I worry also that while right now he is saying and doing all the right things (he wants to just give me his half of the house for example), the longer his relationship with this woman goes on, the more influence she will have over him. And I am fully aware that her interests are nowhere in sync with mine. I'd say they are at complete odds with each other.
I have been a SAHM for 10 years. I feel totally vulnerable even though I am doing all the right things. I know my rights, I have an excellent lawyer and I have a plan for the short term. But at the same time I am angry with him, and I have this fear that my anger will make him angry, and that this will make him renege on all that he has promised. He knows I am scared of this and he has tried to reassure me over and over that this will not happen. But, given that this affair (and he's had others) I am having a hard time trusting anything that comes out of him.
I dunno. I just think that if we were breaking up and another woman wasn't a factor, I'd find it a lot easier to cope with.
I would love to hear if anyone else has dealt with this sort of thing. For the first time in my life I am really at a loss.
