Play date disaster Update Post #9

[One_Girl]

My dd just got back from a play date at a friends house. This is her second play date away from the house and it went terribly. In less than an hour the mom called and told me that my dd needed to go home. When I was walking her home, my dd told me that she and her friend were arguing about what to play and the mom threatened to put them both in time out and the dad threatened to spank them both. When my dd started crying because the dad scared her he told her to take deep breathes or he'd really hit her. I am just shocked and appalled. The mom and I talked about parenting beliefs, she brought it up, and she told me they didn't believe in spanking and that her husband was the one who convinced her that spanking wasn't the way to go when they had their dd. I had their daughter over a lot to play and they have never had an argument that they couldn't work through, sometimes they needed a little mediation or help finding an alternative game, but they never needed to be isolated or even threatened with isolation.

My dd told me she told them that I wasn't violent and that when threatened to call me to be mean she told him he would be doing her a favor and that she wanted him to call me. I am proud of her for standing up for herself and making sure she got out of there, but I don't want her playing there again. I would like it if the kids could stay friends because they are good friends. Should I call and confront them with this and tell them that their daughter is welcome here anytime but my dd will not be allowed to play there, or should I wait and see if they even call again and then bring it up?

[karemore]

I'm so sorry your daughter went through that. How scary for a child to be in a situation like that. It sounds like she handled herself very well.

I wouldn't confront the other parents, but I agree that you should never send your DD over there again. I'd focus on developing some other friendships for your DD.

I hope you are both OK!

[BetsyNY]

WOW. I can't imagine. How old is your daughter?

[pinksprklybarefoot]

Honestly, I'd send my husband over there. I'm terrible at confrontation, and I probably wouldn't get very far with that type of man. But DH would.

I am just dumbfounded that someone would actually threaten to hit another person's child (not that it is okay to hit your own).

[Purple*Lotus]

Wow, so inappropriate I will admit that I would be tempted to let the other child's Father know that hitting someone else's kid is illegal and assault I am sorry this happened to your child

[Purple*Lotus]

Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot

Honestly, I'd send my husband over there. I'm terrible at confrontation, and I probably wouldn't get very far with that type of man. But DH would.

I am just dumbfounded that someone would actually threaten to hit another person's child (not that it is okay to hit your own).

Yes, she said it better than me

[Latte Mama]

I'm so sorry your daughter had to go through that. I have a temper that I've managed to control quite well however, that man's words would send smoke out my ears! No one threatens my child, EVER.

Oh I'd be having a word with him, after I called the mom to hear what she has to say about the incident first.

[Addy's Mom]

I'd definitely both talk to the mom about it.

And I wouldn't allow my child over there for playdates unless I was there the whole time.

Something tells me there's more to this story, if it even matters. Like perhaps the dad's a bully and his wife doesn't/can't stand up to it, either. Just a hunch.

[One_Girl]

I called and talked to the mom and I am glad I did. She told me a completely different story that my dd told me was true when I told her about it. Apparently they were fighting and hurt each others feelings. My dd was crying and the dad jokingly said they should spank everyone to lighten the situation and that made things worse because my dd thought he was serious and was past the point where she could listen to her friends parents try to convince her that they don't spank and never have. I am still not sure that I want my dd to play there again, but I feel much better about the situation and am glad that I called to make sure I got both sides of the story. I don't understand why my dd had an meltdown there. Neither child has ever cried at my home when they play and they have been playing together for a long time. She also doesn't have meltdowns when she plays with her other friends either.

[Latte Mama]

Yes that's why I said speak to the mom first. But I don't think that spanking is something that should really be joked about, especially when a kid is crying, KWIM? How could a joke like that be amusing to an upset kid? Bad choice of words.

[momofmine]

I think that is a very weird thing to be joking about, and personally I would not ever let my dd go there again without me staying for the whole time.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Originally Posted by One_Girl

I don't understand why my dd had an meltdown there. Neither child has ever cried at my home when they play and they have been playing together for a long time. She also doesn't have meltdowns when she plays with her other friends either.

Children respond really differently when they are on their own "turf" and when their parents are around then when they are away and on their own. Also, children can get over-stimulated at other's homes, either because the environment is genuinely too much or just because its different than at home. Seems like perhaps, for whatever reason, she's not ready to play there without you for a bit. And you can use that as an "excuse" for the time being, even without talking about the spanking issue.

[theretohere]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

Children respond really differently when they are on their own "turf" and when their parents are around then when they are away and on their own. Also, children can get over-stimulated at other's homes, either because the environment is genuinely too much or just because its different than at home. Seems like perhaps, for whatever reason, she's not ready to play there without you for a bit. And you can use that as an "excuse" for the time being, even without talking about the spanking issue.

:

[One_Girl]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

Children respond really differently when they are on their own "turf" and when their parents are around then when they are away and on their own. Also, children can get over-stimulated at other's homes, either because the environment is genuinely too much or just because its different than at home. Seems like perhaps, for whatever reason, she's not ready to play there without you for a bit. And you can use that as an "excuse" for the time being, even without talking about the spanking issue.

I think you are right that she may have been overstimulated and just isn't ready to play at this house for now. I am going to use this as our reason for keeping play dates at home. I talked to my mother about this also and she pointed out that my dd had no reason to lie about what happened because she didn't do anything wrong (according to both sides of the story), but that the parents could be lying because they are embarrassed about their reaction. The joking about spanking is also disturbing and even if they did have good intentions my dd took it as a threat, she truly believed they were going to hurt her. I would still like to foster a friendship between the kids, but I think that all of you are right about not letting her go over to their house again. There have been other things that led me to think I shouldn't have my dd there alone and I really think I should have listened to those feelings instead of letting her go because I was worried that I was being overprotective. I hope I don't make the mistake of second guessing myself again. Thank you for your thoughtful responses!

[2cutiekitties]

I find it disturbing that the dad would do a joke like that and I have a wild sense of humor.

I would keep the playdates to my own house! I dont think your daughter is ready yet.

[SunshineJ]

Well if your dd came back and confirmed the story of the other mother, I'm thinking what "really" happened is probably somewhere in the middle. Perhaps the dad did threaten to spank them to get them to behave but is the type that would never follow through with it but uses it as an empty threat? The other mother, knowing that it was an empty threat (and her child knowing it as well) plays it off as joking, while your dd not knowing it wasn't serious takes it as real? Just speculation but it would make sense. Especially since the info in the first post didn't quite add up, kwim? I don't see a reason not to foster the friendship but I'd wait until your dd is more mature and able to handle their type of environment better before I let her over there unattended again.

[TulsiLeaf]

Originally Posted by SunshineJ

Well if your dd came back and confirmed the story of the other mother, I'm thinking what "really" happened is probably somewhere in the middle. Perhaps the dad did threaten to spank them to get them to behave but is the type that would never follow through with it but uses it as an empty threat? The other mother, knowing that it was an empty threat (and her child knowing it as well) plays it off as joking, while your dd not knowing it wasn't serious takes it as real? Just speculation but it would make sense. Especially since the info in the first post didn't quite add up, kwim? I don't see a reason not to foster the friendship but I'd wait until your dd is more mature and able to handle their type of environment better before I let her over there unattended again.

I was going to say that just because people don't spank doesn't mean they don't threaten. So he could have totally threatened her because that is what he does with his kids

[bjorker]

Originally Posted by 2cutiekitties

I find it disturbing that the dad would do a joke like that and I have a wild sense of humor.

I don't know, I could totally see that happening. My DP loves to play with kids, is a great parent, and likes to joke a lot (especially to 'lighten the situation')... but he oversteps that one pretty frequently. I have to remind him a lot that dd is the age she is and may not understand that he's joking. Although, I get more upset by his jokes than she ever does. He's just really bad at understanding which things are not appropriate to joke about, and that's the extent of it. I can see how that would frighten a child, especially if they're already feeling iffy about playing at someone else's house.

In any case, the result is the same... no more playdates at their house for the time being.

[mrspineau]

Wow, that is terrible. If anyone ever threatened my son like that, I would be giving them a mouthful, that's for sure.

[ollyoxenfree]

Since the joke/threat about spanking is only one warning on your radar, if your instincts tell you not to send her for independent playdates at that house, I'd listen to them. I imagine your dd isn't eager to return there anyway.

I also think it sounds like your dd was overstimulated and out of kilter a little - this was only her second playdate. It isn't surprising she would be a little anxious, especially once things turned stressful and she realized that she didn't have a parent present to help her out.

If she's playing at other friends' homes, perhaps shorter playdates are the way to go for the next little while. Plan for an hour or so. If they go well, you can extend the time by planning for an hour, and calling in to find out if you should let them keep playing a little longer, or come right over and get her.

BTW, I think the conflicting stories is pretty typical though. The truth often lies somewhere between two different versions of an incident.