getting ready to break the news

[mysticmomma]

We've decided for sure to homeschool next year. My dd turned 5 this fall, and is in a 3 day 4's program that is 2.5 hours long at our church. our 3 year old also goes. He won't be returning either. I'm really anti- school system, and for sure know it is not the best place for my dd, be it public or private. While I do enjoy having those 7.5 hours to myself each week, and I even looked into other programs that were part time where they could both go during the same hours. I was unsuccessful at finding such a program, and every step of the way felt like I was just being reassured that HS'ing is for us. I already told my mom that we were, and she pretends to be in agreement with whomever she's speaking to at the moment, so we're fine there. My dad said he's going to have to test them to make sure I'm teaching them right. It's my inlaws that I'm really hesitating on. Not for the usual terrible inlaw issues. I have great inlaws. My mother in law is one of my best friends. Problem A is that she was a teacher by profession. I know she will have some misconceptions about HS'ing. She's also been planning on signing up for sub'ing so she can sub for the grand kids. Education is very important to them. So much so that they have set aside funds for the grandkids college education. She gets teary eyed when talking about trying to make sure they get all the opportunities in the world because that's what they deserve. They have also been paying for the kids to go to preschool, and when dad called to remind me to enroll Evan for next year while we still had priority, I was caught off guard and stumbled on my words about looking for another program. He took the information (mainly that I was uncomfortable with fulltime kindergarten) and they ended up talking about it with friends over dinner. A friend that was a public school principal for a few decades. She asked what school Bella would go to next year, and they responded "school name" and then said, but the kids are thinking about something else, and went on to talk about the full time thing. Friend said that MIL/FIL need to "push the kids really hard" (meaning DH and I) about this because "school name" is a great school and if Bella doesn't go to full time kindergarten this year, she'll be way behind for first grade, especially since she has a fall birthday. MIL worked very hard to bring this up, and asked that I at least go look at the school (don't need to, been there and it's not the SCHOOL I object to, but the SYSTEM). I told her that I would, even though I probably won't. I reassured MIL that there were no PT kindergarten's in MD due to NCLB, even the church exempt schools are all going to full time (5-6 hours) while the public and private schools are 6-7 hours.

Anyway,

I've begun selecting curriculum (I've been reading about it since I was pg with Bella in 04 ) and looking into co-ops to join. I really just need some morale behind me. I know MIL will have opinions and concerns, and I want to help her through these issues. She's never going to push her views on us. We are completely different parents than she and FIL were, and we have talked about some differences. She obviously respects me as a woman and a parent, so I'm not worried about that, and "pass the bean dip" is not needed here.

So, tell me it'll be ok, that I've clearly thought this through and am making the best choice possible. Tell me we'll love hs'ing and everyone will be amazed at my genius kids. Tell me MIL will be fine and we'll work it out!

I'm still wondering if I should tell her in an email so she can gather her thoughts and questions and then talk, or if it should be a face to face...

[CariOfOz]

. Didn't really see anything wrong with anything posted, but I guess I misunderstood teh entire tone of the post. Didn't mean to tangle any knickers!

[zeldamomma]

It sounds like your IL's are maybe a little too involved in your kids education (your FIL is calling to remind YOU to re-enroll your son?)

If it were me, I would work on asserting some boundaries about what their role is in your children's lives. That may include saying "no thank you" next time they want to pay for something expensive like preschool, but it may not, I know that families are different about money-- in my family it would make me very uncomfortable to have my ILs paying for preschool, because I would feel like I had to give them a larger voice in preschool-related decisions. But I know some people have grandparents paying for big ticket things and it's not weird for them.

They may be unhappy with your decision to homeschool initially, but if your relationship hinges on your doing what they want, it's not much of a relationship.

The idea of them "pushing you really hard" would offend me, if I were you. They had their kids, they've grown up, and now it's your turn to be the parent. They need to respect that you and your dh get to make these decisions about your kids.

[earthmama369]

You mentioned that the ability to provide a child with opportunities is very important to them. This may be a way to help them understand homeschooling, by phrasing it in terms of the opportunities they'll have:

-an individualized education tailored to their learning styles and needs
-travel opportunities
-cultural opportunities (museums, etc.)
-hand-picked curriculum
-a wide social community of both peers and people of all ages and backgrounds
-schedule flexibility to take advantage of one-time events

At the same time, I agree with other posters that it will be necessary to set healthy, firm boundaries with them regarding your decisions as parents. They raised you. If they feel they did a good job as parents, then they should trust that they gave you the skills and resources for you to make the best decisions for YOUR children. (Conversely, if they feel they did a poor job, then they really shouldn't be making these decisions for another generation! See? Works both ways. )

[mysticmomma]

I guess I wasn't clear. This isn't about boundaries. They are firm. My MIL is very gentle in her approach, and I appreciate her thoughts and ideas. She has made me a better mother. And she wasn't calling us "kids" her friend was referring to us. And we are her "kids". Yes, adults, but still her children. It wasn't insulting. Ugh... now I wish I hadn't posted.

[Jenivere]

Since you do have such a great relationship I do think everything will be fine even if they need a little time to adjust to the idea. They can continue to help with your children's education if they want to by helping you buy resources or memberships that you might not otherwise be able to afford. If they have the free time they could even go on field trips with you etc. From the sound of it they might be a bit concerned at first but will probably come around.

[Jenelle]

FWIW, I think the idea of an email is a good one. This is how I "broke it" to my parents. Gave them time to think, discuss, and formulate a response. Which wasn't at all a negative one like I had built up in my mind. IMO, face-to-face conversations can de-rail quickly, especially if it is something that you feel very strongly about and may be very emotional about. If you want to be able to make ALL of your points about homeschooling, how this is not a decision you've made lightly, all the research you've done, and the fact that you love them and are thankful for their love and support, then I personally think a carefully-worded email is the way to go.

Best wishes. I remember being where you are, and what I can tell you is that you will feel so much better once it is all out in the open.

[Geerbabe]

Home schooling provides wonderful opportunities for your mother-in-law to be involved in your kids' education if that is what she wants. Instead of spreading her attention over a whole classroom of kids that happens to include her grandchildren she can spend one on one time with them mentoring them in whatever subjects you both agree on. This could also be an opportunity for you to get the free time during the week that you will be missing!

[fruitfulmomma]

I am in agreement with Geerbabe and Jenivere... Approach the issue with them with confidence in yourself and your children and you'll be fine. When you do bring it up let them know that you appreciate their help and let them know what that can look like in the homeschooling environment. Instead of paying for tuition to preschool they can purchase zoo and museum memberships, pay for art supplies, single classes as rec centers, or even save for vacations to places that your children might not otherwise get to go.

If they want more information on the subject of education from an educators pov, John Taylor Gatto is a good source.

So, tell me it'll be ok, that I've clearly thought this through and am making the best choice possible. Tell me we'll love hs'ing and everyone will be amazed at my genius kids.

You'll be okay. You are obviously genuinely interested in your childrens education. Relax. Whether your children are recognized as amazing geniuses or not, they are all gifted with something and you can nurture those gifts in ways that no school ever can.

[AAK]

It sounds like it will be fine. Just be confident! That really helps. . . people don't really want to argue with a person who knows what and why. I would tell her in an excited way. . . say that it will be fun using all the resources around to provide an education with depth. If she asks about curriculum, go on about all the wonderful choices there are out there and then let her know that you found something that looks great. If she says that she is sad that she won't get to sub for the grandkids, mention that she can take them to museums, shows, etc and really get excited about what she will be able to teach them.

I think your in laws sound great. Mine are also public school employees. . .I was actually SHOCKED when they completely agreed with my decision. It is weird though, I still hear about the parents who were "home fooling" and then brought their children back to school only to be WAY behind and in need of services. But, my in laws have great confidence in my abilities--they have never implied that I was "home fooling".

Good luck and enjoy homeschooling!

Amy

[chaoticzenmom]

Originally Posted by mysticmomma

I guess I wasn't clear. This isn't about boundaries. They are firm. My MIL is very gentle in her approach, and I appreciate her thoughts and ideas. She has made me a better mother. And she wasn't calling us "kids" her friend was referring to us. And we are her "kids". Yes, adults, but still her children. It wasn't insulting. Ugh... now I wish I hadn't posted.

If your inlaws love to talk about you guys, then they're going to need ammo! They'll become your best homeschool advocates if done right. My inlaws had "concerns" as well, but now are loving the fact that we homeschool and like to brag to others.

Put 100 reasons to homeschool on your fridge for conversation, let them know how excited you are and how sure you are with your decision. Ask them to participate by creating cool science experiments or maybe they can help teach something that they enjoy (handwriting, etc.) but only after they're comfortable with the truth of homeschool (no red on work, self-motivation, etc.)

The truth will become evident eventually (about how awesome homeschooling is for your family) and they'll be learning in the process. Your MIL may even find some homeschooling niche that will excite her and help your homeschooling. When you tell them you're going to homeschool, make sure that you mention how nice it will be for them to be able to do field-trips, etc. with the kids.

Oh, and tell your dad that you'll have to test him to make sure he's qualified to test your kids.LOL

[zeldamomma]

Originally Posted by mysticmomma

I guess I wasn't clear. This isn't about boundaries. They are firm. My MIL is very gentle in her approach, and I appreciate her thoughts and ideas. She has made me a better mother. And she wasn't calling us "kids" her friend was referring to us. And we are her "kids". Yes, adults, but still her children. It wasn't insulting. Ugh... now I wish I hadn't posted.

Sorry for misunderstanding and not reading carefully-- I was in too big a rush this morning.

If your relationship is as close and supportive as you describe, you don't need to worry. I'd tell her face-to-face, and try to be casual about it. You might want to have a book in hand that you could offer to lend, if she wants to know more.

I would think about how much help you want from your MIL, because she may respond by wanting to be very involved, and it would be good to be prepared to talk about that, just in case.

(Apparently I just can't bend my mind around the idea of having a loving, respectful relationship with a MIL-- how sad is that?)

[raelize]

we're in a similar boat. i finally got dh on board, not even worrying abotu his family (we're the weirdos in the family anyway), but my mom is the one kind of freaking out about it. like you, we are very close, they LOVE their granddaughters, and she is a teacher. she will say about someone else hs'ing- oh that is a great idea, my best students have been hs'ers, i think the system sucks, etc. but when it comes to her grandkids, she is all about giving me grief. and for me it isn't the academics- i feel like an involved parent will make sure their kid is "learning" what they "need" from any school- i taught, i know that the noisy parent gets the teacher's attention. but i don't want my kids in the system.
we are trying to buy a house and my mother is cnostantly remarking abotu he school systems and i remind her that we can't afford to be in any of the school systems that meet her criteria. so, now her push is that we would be able to get dds in a tony private school in D.C. yes, dds are brilliant, and they probably would get in, and i suppose i wouldn't turn down a FULL scholarship- but i can't plan our lives assuming that they will get in. and she doesn't get it- its the system that i DON'T want them to be part of. but it is for the same reasons you have - "the opportunities are so great! don't you want them to be able to have all those opportunites???"
anyway-can't give you much advice- but just to say that we're there with you. i think that i am going to just play the bean dip card. nod, smile, and "please pass the bean dip".
also- i think for her at least, i think she would have hs'ed us if she knew abotu it back then, if there was the support out there that there is now. and so i think a little bit of it is whether this is a commentary on her choices as a parent. she hated school, we all hated school, she hated sending us. so, i also wonder how much of that is there. maybe not for your situation, but i wonder if it is there for mine.
its funny- i was just coming on to vent abotu this myself.

[lach]

Originally Posted by mysticmomma

While I do enjoy having those 7.5 hours to myself each week, and I even looked into other programs that were part time where they could both go during the same hours. I was unsuccessful at finding such a program... she was a teacher by profession. She's also been planning on signing up for sub'ing so she can sub for the grand kids. Education is very important to them.

Maybe you can help get her on board by mentioning all the fun educational things she can do with them? It sounds like she's bored and likes teaching, and you could do with a break now and then (who couldn't?). Why not suggest that she take them for a morning a week and they can go to a museum or hang out or whatever? I have a feeling she'll see HSing as shutting a door on her, but this would create a wonderful opportunity for her to be able to do what she loves with her grandkids.

[Alvenchrst]

We JUST started homeschooling, pulled my son out of public kindergarten 2 weeks ago. My in law relationship sound very very similar to yours. I gave them a heads up, hey we're considering it, but we had also gone really back and forth before last year, and I did home school preschool, so they were more used to the idea, so that helped a lot. How I told them was, I started writing about it on my blog. And publicly talked about all our reasons why. Then I sent them an email with telling them about it and lots more details and said "we'd really appreciate your support" They've been great about it. They are not really ones to go outside a box so sometimes things take some getting used to for them, but once they have they've always been great. One great thing about the blog is that it's a window into our world. They love seeing it and all the great benefits.


It sounds like if she gets on board, she (your MIL) could be such a great support for you. You can approach it like that. Ask her to sub. I have a friend who's mom subs for her homeschooling sometimes and it's so sweet and they ALL love it.

Not promoting at all, because that's not the purpose for me, but if your intersted my blog is www.lifeaccordingtothechristians.wordpress.com

Good luck to you!

Oh and p.s. My son has ALREADY speed so far ahead from where he was at in public school. In just a few weeks. He's reading paragraphs.